Dear blog

I miss you.

I'm sorry I haven't written.

I am a little bit tired and my hair is messy from wearing too many hats.

I am a little bit road-weary.

I've been reading Acts.

Acts 3:19: Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord

I feel a bit empty, but maybe that's because there is new hope and new desire and new passion on its way...

I have a plan to get refreshed next week...filled back up...inspired...as I pray in anticipation, I am ever more ready to receive...

A look in the mirror part 2: Pursuit

So, I've been a little gun-shy since my last post got so much interesting action on Facebook (you'd never know if you only read this online!)...but this second installment of "Looking in the Mirror" has been on my heart since just after I wrote the last one; a few things have solidified since then, so it's a good time to share.

As I continue to look in the mirror and ask God to reveal things to me that I need to work on, I keep hearing the word "pursuit." While that may seem a bit "generic," as I've prayed about it, it's actually been fairly painful.

Here's what the mirror is revealing about pursuit...

I want to be pursued. Maybe I need to be pursued -- I'm not sure on that yet, since I'm still working through this...

On the surface, that doesn't seem so bad, right?

But, I'm realizing there are things I do in life just so that I will feel wanted, needed, desired, appreciated, respected by other people.

I read a book a few years ago called "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul," The book asserts that all women yearn for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil their own beauty. I picked it up again this week to re-read it, and I was struck by how much more deeply it's "talking to me" this time around.

I've been realizing, and I need to confess, that I've been lured by worldly definitions into being embarrassed about my desire to be pursued -- to be romanced. If I want to be romanced, surely I'm a weak woman, according to the world. I have believed this for too long. I want to be romanced.

Perhaps it's just they way God has made me as a woman.

And, I've worked too hard and tried to be too perfect, smart and accomplished. This pursuit of accomplishment and worldly success and recognition have been my most oft used tools to try to win this elusive romance. I've tried others -- flirting, dieting and exercising to try to achieve some perfect look. But, consistently, the hole is still there in my heart -- that nagging sense that I will never be "enough" to be worthy of being pursued.

All this time, I've been pushing back my very nature, my femininity, in a confused attempt to fulfill what might just be a uniquely feminine desire that only God can fill. How messed up is that!?

Here's a passage from the book that really spoke some truth to my heart:

A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that He finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in Him, she is enough. In fact, the only thing getting in the way of our being fully captivating and enjoyed is our striving.

So, my look in the mirror once showed me my flaws, but when I look again, I'm working on seeing myself as the beautiful, desirable, worthy woman that He sees.

Again, from "Captivating:"

Even though I've "succeeded" in many areas, I've always been ashamed of the absence of my femininity as defined by the world. Asking God what He thought of me as a woman was beyond agonizing. I wrestled with Him right to the end. I knew in my mind He wouldn't be mean, but I was convinced I had failed him miserably in this department...When I finally allowed myself to hear God speak a new name, it was Grace. And the lie of "too much boy and not enough girl" gets shattered in a moment. He crowns me with Grace. He crowns me with love. And I'm satisfied.

I always pray on my way to work. This morning while I was driving to work and praying, I saw the most beautiful sunrise I've seen in some time...actually, the sun was already fairly high in the sky. When I first looked up, it was barely lit and perfectly round, but as I drove, it shone brighter and brighter until I had to fish through my purse for my sunglasses. It felt like God was showing me how brightly and intensely His love burns for me...what a beautiful illustration and evidence of His love for me!

I think I'm going to stop apologizing for my desire to be desirable, and work on reflecting on the evidence that God is pursuing me intently and finds me irreplaceable and worthy.

God, help me to feel how intensely you are pursuing me, how deep and passionate your love is for me, and how worthy I really am of your love.

Looking in the mirror -- Part 1

We just started a new series at VWS called "A look in the mirror." Its about taking an honest look at ourselves and seeing whatever God wants to reveal, convict, affirm in each of us.

One area I've been looking at for myself lately is around my "need" for "stuff." Tonight, as I was praying and asking God to reveal things to me that get in the way of doing His work, He reminded me of this area. Then, as I was reading through some scripture (I'm just going through the New Testament, and I've just started in 1 John), I read:

" The world and all its desires pass away, but the person who does the will of God lives forever." 1John 2:17

God and I have been working on this one for awhile now...

About 2.5 years ago (wow, can't believe it's been that long already), I left P&G. About a year before that, we bought a house on the Westside of Cincinnati and moved our family over here to help start VWS.

It is a gorgeous house.

It is a big house.

It has lots of bells and whistles. (well, not literally, but it has lots of little and big extras).

When we bought it, it was definitely a "God thing" -- pieces falling into place in weird ways...I won't go into details, but I do believe that we are in the house that God wanted us to buy at the time.

But, over the past two years or so, we've begun to feel like maybe we shouldn't be in this house.

Maybe it's too big. Too gorgeous. Too much.

We don't make nearly as much money as we did when I was at P&G. And, honestly, we shouldn't be spending nearly so much on a mortgage payment as we are right now.

Truth is, we've got a LOT of nice stuff.

Harder truth is, as we've acquired all of this nice stuff, our lives have become more and more complicated and less and less focused on what really matters.

To be brutally clear, MY life has been less and less focused.

So, for the past two years, I've been quietly praying into this feeling. Half-asking God to will me and Nick to do what He wants us to with His money and with our family. Nick has been praying this too, only we didn't admit it to each other!

Slowly, ever so slowly, the reasons we had for staying in the house began to seem so illogical.

- The hassle of moving again
- Where would we put all of our furniture and "stuff"
- I like my double ovens
- We like our 3-car garage
- We need a kitchen island the size of our first apartment

And now, we're at a place where God has so willed us to want to get out of this house that we can hardly wait to get it sold.

And then, comes the harder part...He's willed us to let go of the house, and now we have to wait on His timing.

But, even through all of this, if I REALLY look in the mirror on this one, here's the hardest thing for me to admit...

I'm embarrassed that I live in such opulence.

I don't want people to know.

If they see the house, I explain how we got such a great deal on it and that we never would have bought it if it wouldn't have been a foreclosure, and that we never would have built something with so much "stuff" in it.

I am forcing myself to write this down...it hurts...

I don't want to tell you that I live in a house that is worth about $700K and currently on the market for a cool $599K.

I think you'll judge me. You'll say I'm 'rich' and therefore must not be after God's heart. You'll say that I value "stuff" more than God or my family. That I pursue work that keeps me away from home too many nights on business trips just to pay a mortgage, and that if I had my priorities straight, I'd make different choices.

And, you'd be right...at least in part.

I am rich. I do value stuff -- way more than I should.

But, where you'd be wrong is that I am chasing hard after God's heart for me, for my life. Standing next to Nick and fighting against everything that is getting in our way of doing what God wants us to do with what He has blessed us with.

So, the house is on the market.

We are ready to let go.

Three months it's been on the market. No one has even looked at it. Tomorrow, someone is coming to look.

Father God, help us to be patient and wait on your timing, and honor our desire to chase after you more than we chase after stuff. Thank you for willing us to want to steward your money differently. We will wait on You and Your will in humility and anticipation...and really hope that the buyer is coming tomorrow!!!

The heart is working too hard

My father, Paul Gordon Lauer, was born in 1938.

At the age of 3, he was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Essentially, for those of you that don't know, in Type 1 Diabetes, the pancreas stops making insulin. The patient must take insulin in order to regulate blood sugar, or major complications can set in. In the early 40s, there was no way for patients to take insulin, so my grandparents did their best to control my Dad's diet to help control his blood sugar.

By age 23, complications began to set in, even though medication and some treatment had become available. My father lost sight in both of his eyes.

At age 30, he met and fell in love with my mother and they were married.

At age 32, he suffered stroke. The same week, he and my mother found out they were expecting a baby, and then he suffered a heart attack.

He survived, and early the following year, I was born.

A few weeks after I was born, his kidneys began to fail, and he started receiving dialysis treatment.

In July, 1971, only 3.5 months after I was born, while receiving dialysis, my father suffered a massive coronary and died.

Some other time, I'll comment on how amazing my mother is and how strong she must have been, and the amazing bond that she and I have, likely because it was "just us" for a year or so before she re-married...

But, for now...

I taught this past Sunday at church.

First time.

And, I told the story of my father.

I told the story because I realized that it had something to teach me about the body of Christ -- the Church.

In 1 Corinthians, we read:

14Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. 15If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 16And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 17If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? 18But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. 19If they were all one part, where would the body be? 20As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

21The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" 22On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

27Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

My dad's story illustrates what happens when certain parts of the body aren't doing their jobs. First, his pancreas didn't work, so his kidneys tried to make up for it.

They tried and tried, and eventually couldn't do it.

Not their fault.

They weren't designed to do what the pancreas does.

Then, his heart tried to make up for the kidneys and the pancreas.

But, clearly, it wasn't made to do the same things as the pancreas or kidneys.

It tried and tried, but eventually couldn't do it...

Isn't this how the Church body works -- or rather, how it doesn't work? A few parts trying to make up for the fact that the others aren't doing their jobs?

I'm convinced its because people don't understand three things:

• Each of us is amazingly unique
• Each of us is gifted for a purpose
• Each of us is desperately needed

Understanding my own uniqueness, purpose and value has been a journey for me, but embracing the truth of my design has changed my life for the better in innumerable ways.

God's plan involves all of us. When we're doing what we've been designed to do, we are fully living -- just as God intended for us!

I love being part of a church body that is working to help people understand these truths.

Thank you, God, for revealing new truth from my father's story.

How to be Intimidating: Part 2

So, if you just googled "how to be intimidating" or "what makes a person intimidating" and you've found this blog, welcome!

I have an idea for you...if you're looking to really be intimidating...

People are intimidated by those that have confidence in themselves.

You need to be confident in yourself...you can try to fake it, but that only lasts so long before you break down and just realize that you're not much of anything on your own.

We're all so messed up...what I mean is, everyone, every person is messed up in their own way or ways.

But, there is hope!

If you want to be confident, you have to know that you are loved and accepted no matter who you are and how messed up you are.

Jesus loves you. Y O U. Receive it. Seriously. Go read a Bible...start in the back half -- the new Testament, and read the story of what He did for you.

Then, you'll know. And, you won't need to be intimidating anymore.

Intimidation doesn't win...

Love wins.

(I originally posted several months ago about a search I was doing to try to understand how to NOT be so intimidating to people, and instead I found all kinds of advice on the web about how TO be intimidating. I blogged about it. It's gotten traffic. So, I figured, if you are reading my blog to learn how to be intimidating, I should share with you why I was searching to find ways to NOT be intimidating...)

Take a deep breath...

I'm having one of "those" weeks...

Every once in awhile, I have something close to a panic attack when I look at my calendar and a growing list of things "to do" and have that sinking, awful realization that I am certainly forgetting several really important things I need to do...

It happened this afternoon.

My work schedule has been busier than normal.

As I get more and more into my role at VWS, there is more and more to do.

School starts soon, and that means appointments, supplies, open houses, registration paperwork, clothes and shoes, new backpacks, etc, etc, etc.

Soccer practice is ramping up for both Dominick and Lanie.

The house is on the market, and Nick and I seem to be doing a lot of paperwork and upkeep to keep it presentable for whenever that one perfect buyer comes along.

And, I'm neglecting the things I shouldn't neglect...

• Staying in the word -- reading scripture daily keeps me centered...why is it one of the first things I let go of when things get crazy like this?
• Caring for Nick and the kids -- somehow they get the brunt of my frustration and anxiety, as I stomp around feeling sorry for myself.
• Caring for myself -- exercise is always a challenge, but it's about 9pm, and I just realized I haven't eaten dinner...which means I'll probably end up eating something not-so-healthy and much too late.
• Sleep -- late to bed and early to rise...trying to fit it all in.
• Friends -- I'm already fighting the logical solution to give up time with my girlfriends in order to accommodate soccer practices and time at home.

So, I'm going to try to set some boundaries for the amount of time I spend on work stuff and not neglect the things that I know keep me healthy and sane...and keep taking deep breaths...

A random cure for writer's block

I've been suffering lately from reverse-writer's block...a few too many things on my mind...too hard to decide what to write about.

So, I thought I'd dump a few random thoughts so I can just get over the block and back to writing again...

Random thought/musing #1
I signed up for google analytics. Its a service (FREE!) from google that will analyze where your blog traffic is coming from. Pretty interesting to see where you are all reading from! But, here's something quite surprising to me...the biggest single post that has gotten a lot of traffic in the past week is the one titled "How to Be Intimidating." This was a post I wrote a while back, and it was part of my exploration about how NOT to be intimidating. In fact, if you search on google for "how to be intimidating," that blog post shows up -- as the TOP hit! Now, the good news is that if folks hit my blog thinking they're going to read about how to be intimidating, they get just the opposite; the bad news is that lots of people are searching google for help to be more intimidating! Does this bother anyone but me?

Random thought/musing #2
Anthony and I have a little ritual when I'm tucking him in at night. After we read, pray and sing a song, he always has to have a "no-kiss hug." It's a hug, without a kiss. He loves it. For months, he's been anti-kiss from mom. But in the past couple of weeks, he started asking for a kiss and asking to give me a kiss after the no-kiss hug. How sweet is he!?

Random thought/musing #3
Lanie is about to turn 8. Her newest pastime is listening to Taylor Swift. Every time I see her singing along with the words to those cute puppy-love tunes, I can't help by stare at her and realize how quickly being a little girl goes by...When I was 8, I had my first real crush...my neighbor's nephew Dennis. We held hands and hugged in the garage of his aunt and uncle's house, and we ate popcorn with melted butter while we watched movies. It was dreamy. When he sat next to me, I felt all tingly. Can she really be the same age as I was then!?

Random thought/musing #4
Dominick has a best friend. I love watching them hang out together. They stay up late on sleep-over nights and giggle. They skipped through Kroger together today. He's getting to the age where he'll start to tell Nate things that he doesn't tell me...(can you tell I'm feeling a bit reminiscent today?) I'm equal parts excited for him that he has such a great friend, and sad that I'm being replaced as his confidante...

Random thought/musing #5 (this one's for the girls only)
What is up with Victoria's Secret underwear? Every time I buy a new batch, I buy a 5 pairs in the same size and same "style"... but every single one fits totally differently once I wear them. Now, certainly there are times during the month where I might expect them to fit a bit differently, but that does not nearly explain the dramatic difference in the size and cut from one pair to another. Am I the only one this happens to? Maybe I'm too old for Victoria's Secret...

Random thought/musing #6 (last one for today...)
I'm excited about seeing old friends lately. I blogged about my friends Julie and Jill a few weeks ago, and got to see them each quite recently over lunches. It was great to laugh and remember and share with each other. Tomorrow, I get to see an old friend, Jason, who I haven't seen in probably about 3 years. And, last night, we ran into an old friend at Dave & Buster's...I'm getting good practice for my HS reunion, which is coming up in a few weeks!

Okay...I feel better now. Hopefully back to less scattered thinking over the next week or so...

This ain't your mama's church...

Growing up, church...

...was a place I went on Sundays.

...was a building.

...smelled a little "funny."

...was predictable.

...was about my religion.

...never seemed to go fast enough (except for the one guy we called "Father Fast Mass"...we loved him!).

...didn't mean much to me.

...was an obligation.



These days, church...

...is a community of people.

...challenges me to grow.

...is a gift.

...is so meaningful to me.

...is something I look forward to.

...smells pretty good (I think it's the coffee!)

...is about my relationships.

I've been reading through Hebrews this week and reflecting a lot on what church really is. What priesthood really means. What I had to learn and un-learn as I began to develop a relationship with Jesus and real community with others.

How has your definition of church changed over time? What is your definition of church?

Spaghetti Logic

I've been thinking a lot about spaghetti lately.

Probably one of my favorite meals as a kid; and now, as a mom, I know why my mother made it once a week -- it's sooooo easy to make!

But, that's not what I've been thinking about.

A few years ago, there was a guy that worked in my group at P&G. He is a mathematical GENIUS. Seriously. Crazy smart. His job was to create and then maintain a highly complex statistical model for predicting how much "stuff" people would buy. He worked with another guy in my group who was even smarter. Smarter guy once tried to explain to me how smart guy created mathematical models. He called it spaghetti logic. Each equation had a beginning and an end, but they wound around all over the place getting from A to Z. They intersected each other in important, although seemingly inconsequential and unplanned ways. And, in order for the spaghetti logic to work, because the model was complex, there had to be multiple strands of spaghetti mixed in together...



Really, I've been thinking a lot about spaghetti logic lately.

Hang with me, if I haven't lost you yet...

I think life is like spaghetti logic...

When I was in high school, I met this girl named Julie. I was new at school, and Julie was so nice to me. She hung out with me between classes, and we became friends. One week, she invited me to go with her to a church youth group volleyball game. This was very strange to me. Playing volleyball with kids from church? This sort of thing just did not happen at my traditional Catholic church. I was a little worried they'd all be a bunch of "Jesus freaks." But, Julie was fun, and pretty normal from what I could tell, so I went. My mom took me to Julie's house, where her dad was going to take us to the volleyball game. I didn't quite know what to think of her dad. Bruce was so..."there." He actually seemed interested in talking to me, getting to know me. He smiled and paid attention when I talked and actually seemed to like what I said. (At this point in my life, having a conversation that did not dissolve into tears or screaming with a father figure was pretty foreign to me.)

Anyway, we went to the volleyball game, and I remember not really being sure what to expect at all, but, having a great time playing. Julie was a great hostess and never left me feeling alone or awkward about being a "stranger" among the youth group. Toward the end of the evening, I remember a guy getting up on a stage -- maybe he was a pastor or the youth leader, I'm not sure -- but I remember him talking to us about Jesus. Did we want to have a relationship with Jesus, he asked...

Hmmmm...this was puzzling to me. "Sure," I thought, "who wouldn't want that." I knew Jesus -- sang to him on Sundays and often had to fight back tears when I was singing...never could understand why that was happening (that's another section of the long piece of spaghetti that is my life...more on that later, maybe). "If you want to have a relationship with Jesus, pray with me..." He said. And then he went on to lead us to pray for Jesus to be front and center in our lives. I prayed with him that night. I think it was the first time that I ever really prayed that way. Fireworks didn't go off, and I didn't tell anyone that I had prayed that prayer that night.

Months went by, and Julie and I drifted apart. I had more "important" things to do like chase boys and work and over-achieve and life got crazy. I still talked to Jesus every day, but spent many, many years fairly lost and confused.

Years later, I met a wonderful woman named Jill. She worked with me at P&G. She was a few years older; I was expecting my first baby, and she had 3 kids already. She seemed to have her priorities right and seemed to know what she wanted to teach her kids about Jesus and God -- something I had been thinking a lot about since I became pregnant. Eventually, Jill led me to Vineyard Community Church, where I found Jesus again and began a life that has become increasingly more abundant with each passing year.

The same year I met Jill, I had met a guy named Tim at P&G, almost in passing, since he left P&G shortly after we met. A year later, Tim and I worked together on a project. A year later, Tim and I were friends, and were getting together with our spouses and a few others in a small group. A year later, Tim asked me into leadership in some of the work he was doing at VCC. Several years later, Nick and I picked up our life and moved to the Westside of Cincinnati for this crazy little church plant called Vineyard Westside where Tim is the Senior Pastor. A year later, I quit P&G to take a job at Seek, because I was convinced that God had something in store for me. A year later, I joined the leadership team of VWS. A year later, we're selling our house to steward our money differently and give more of our lives to what God is doing in this world.

Spaghetti logic...twists and turns and intersections that I couldn't possibly understand, anticipate, appreciate or expect. And, I'm realizing, when I let myself be "softened" like a perfectly al dente strand of pasta, God will twist and turn His spaghetti logic in amazing ways.

When I think about the number of twists and turns and intersections and the profound impact they've each had in my life, I'm humbled. It seems, some of the events that initially didn't feel important or significant at all turn out to be major turning points.

Amazingly, I've recently re-connected with Julie (Facebook is awesome!). Her story and her life is an inspiration and a testament to God's faithfulness.

So, next time you meet someone new, ask yourself if maybe God is putting together one big plate of pasta and to help you recognize the logic of why you and this other "strand" are intersecting.

...with all diligence

Romans 12:8 says "If a person's gift is leadership, let them lead with all diligence."

This verse came to mind this afternoon while I was praying for the leadership of VWS.

"...with all diligence."

Why diligence?

I looked up a few synonyms/definitions for diligence:

• Earnest
• Perseverance
• Zeal
• Fervor
• Passion
• Painstaking
  
• Having a purpose and being steadily and soberly eager in pursuing it
• Constant in effort to accomplish something
• Attentive and persistent in doing anything

Leadership is hard. I know many, many leaders who share moments of questioning "Is it really worth it?" "Why me?" or "I'm not sure I really want to be a leader."

When the mantle of leadership is most heavy, it is then that we must lead with all diligence. If it was easy, how much breakthrough could we really achieve for God?

The world needs spirit-led leaders who lead with all diligence, persistence, attention, passion and zeal and push back the spirit of futility that otherwise would certainly limit what God wants to do through those He's gifted to lead.

Father, help me and every other leader after Your heart to be a leader who leads with all diligence.

Flame

Today was a rough day.

Difficult. Frustrating. Sad. Exhausting.

So, tonight as I was sitting around moping and wondering how I could've gone from being pretty fired up a a few days ago to feeling so glum. I realized that I hadn't picked up my Bible at all yesterday or today.

I have been reading through Paul's letters to the various churches (i.e. groups of believers). I have found them to be so relevant to the struggles and challenges and opportunities we have today. So, I read 1 Thessalonians tonight. Lots of things stood out to me, but the line I kept reading over and over and over was this one:

"Do not put out the Spirit's fire." 1 Thes 5:19

What does that line mean to you? As I prayed about it, the fire that came to mind is the one that He has uniquely given to me. Ann Eileen Lauer Calcara. Me.

I'm pretty unique. You are too, but this is my blog, so bear with me for a minute here...

Today, and for the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling particularly un-empathetic. Empathy is not really my thing. I like people. I have feelings. But, feeling FOR other people...that's not me. This has made me feel less-than-effective as we have been dealing with lots of really difficult, painful stuff -- lots of people are hurting really badly. And, I've struggled because I don't always (ever?) feel their pain. And, maybe, this limits and disables me from contributing in a meaningful way during this difficult time. Or, maybe not...

I could choose to let this lack of empathy consume me...but, that would be putting out the Spirit's fire...

Instead, what if I choose to stoke the flame that is mine...and focus on what I can do and can do well, trusting that what I have is needed, and what I have to give is enough? I'm surrounded by folks who are empathetic...and my responsibility is just to use what I've got, right?

The Spirit's fire in me burns brightly when I'm using the gifts I've been given...the talents I have...and not trying to be someone that I'm not. Want to know what kind of flame burns in me?

I am a MAXIMIZER. I focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. I seek to transform something strong into something superb.

I am STRATEGIC. I create alternate ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, I can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.

I am strong in understanding and leveraging INDIVIDUALIZATION. I am intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. I have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.

I am guided by BELIEF. I have certain core values that are unchanging. Out of these values emerges a defined purpose for my life.

I am RESPONSIBLE. I take psychological ownership of what I say I will do. I am committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.

How do I know this about myself? Gallup Strengthsfinder. Amazingly accurate. These are the descriptions they give. I could elaborate on how each of these play out in my life, but that might get boring...

I hope you know the flame God has set ablaze in you. Don't put it out by believing that who you are NOT is more defining than who you ARE.

Complacency or Futility

Yesterday in our VWS leadership team meeting, we were praying a bit together. I LOVE praying with that team! I often get powerful images and words and I'm trying to learn what to do with them.

We were reflecting, before we went into prayer, about the amount of "bad stuff" going on across our body. We're in a teaching series on 'fighting' that is all about recognizing when we're being led astray by temptations, bad habits, influences, thoughts, etc that can be attributed to this concept of "spiritual warfare" that I've blogged about before. And, it seems as we raise our voices about these things, they come at us even harder and stronger.

While we were praying, though, I kept hearing this phrase "a spirit of futility." As I leaned into that and prayed for some more understanding, even as I knew that a spirit of futility in our team and across our body is something that I needed to push back and pray against, I think God helped me to understand something.

Last fall, a group of us went to the Catalyst conference in Atlanta. It rocked us in so many ways! Primarily, it shook us out of a spirit of complacency. Complacency is when we really don't care to challenge the status quo...we just live day to day and "settle" with where things are/how things are. At the conference, we realized that we had been lulled into complacency because things had been going fairly well, and so we settled in. Honestly, we had worked really, really hard, and we needed a rest...but, we rested too long and too deeply. Anyway, we "woke up" at that conference and got back in the game -- working to join God in the stuff he's doing here on the Westside of Cincinnati.

Recently, the amount of "bad stuff" going on has been increasing...maybe we're just more aware of it, or maybe there really is a lot more of it going on -- maybe both. But, there's a lot of it. Marriages at stake. Dreams at stake. Futures at stake. Lives at stake and being ravaged by temptations, addictions, bad thought patterns that lead people down paths that they know they shouldn't go down, but they do anyway...It's easy to get frustrated. The work we're doing is hard work. A spirit of futility could take us over, if we're not vigilant against it.

Futility is when we just give up. We decide it's just not worth it to keep fighting for change and abundance and life. And, it's just as bad, if not worse, than complacency.

Both futility and complacency are big threats to the work that God is doing. When things are going well, complacency seems to be more likely to drag us down, and when things are tough, futility could be the happy recipient of our tattered spirits...

So, I'm praying against both complacency and futility and instead for steadfast strength for the body and leadership of VWS and every other group of people working to shine God's light in dark places.

If you're feeling the weight of complacency or futility, take a few minutes to let this word sink into your heart...plug in your earphones, close your eyes, and let it soak in...

Yard Sale!

So, Saturday morning, we awoke to find that our neighborhood was having its annual community yard sale.

We weren't notified this year (I'm not surprised), so we didn't participate. I think we might have this year if we had known, but not a big deal.

Except...

A few of the neighbors in the cul-de-sac did decide to participate.

Now, you need to know a bit about the "layout" of our street. Our house sits along the curve of the cul-de-sac, and a private drive is just off of the very end of the street -- there are 3-4 houses off the private drive.

Apparently, the neighbors in the private drive didn't want to block their private drive in order to set up for the yard sale.

So...

They set up in our yard.

In. Our. Yard.

All across our front lawn. Cars parked in front of our driveway. People smoking and dropping their ashes in our grass. Our grass...that Nick was planning to cut on Saturday morning.

So, you're wondering, surely the neighbors asked if they could hold a yard sale in OUR yard.

You would think so, huh!?

But, they didn't...!!!! (is your mouth hanging open in disbelief right now...it should be!)

Nick went out to ask what was going on. They said "We didn't want to block our private drive. Are you mad?"

Oh. My. Goodness.

Okay, I have to admit, I was LIVID. Really, I'm trying to do this Love Wins thing around here, but it's soooooo hard.

If they would have asked, of course we would have happily let them have the sale in our yard. We would have joined them...made for some neighborly good times in the cul-de-sac...

I just don't get it.

On a lighter note, in a purely beautiful moment of poetic justice...

Coco did her business in the small patch of grass between one of their sale tables and the driveway. ;-) Call the police on that...

What'cha think?

Of my new background?

Seriously?

Check out this un-signed letter Nick and I got in the mail today...

Dear Mr & Mrs Calcara,

On behalf of the neighborhood in which you live, we would like to inform you that we are getting ready to call the police on your barking dog.

Apparently, you don't know that you are violating an ordinance of Miami Township. But, you are.

We have listened to your barking dog for quite awhile now and we are tired of it. THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD IS!!!!!!!! In addition to the neighbors being tired of the noise violation, so are the golfers. We now are going to inform Aston Oaks Golf Course, and the Homeowners Association.

How about showing consideration for others. You live in a nice house. Have you any manners? Were you not taught to show respect for others? We respect you. How about respect for us?

Now we get the police involved.

Sincerely,

The neighborhood

I re-typed it word for word here...it was typed, on plain white paper, no return address.

Seriously?

We have a dog. I've heard her bark about 3 times in her life. Someone is home about 90% of the time here, so she is rarely left here alone, when she might bark and we wouldn't hear it. I called a few of the neighbors tonight to ask if she has been barking while we're gone...no-one has heard her (that I talked to).

Who does this? Maybe the same people that told our nanny that she could no longer bring the kids to the pool because she is not a resident of the neighborhood?

This is one of those situations where we are SERIOUSLY challenged to live out "love wins" and to love our neighbors.

And, one of those situations where I'm reminded that "attacks" come in all shapes and sizes. I'm not surprised that we are being "persecuted" by our neighbors right now. Truth is, we don't know them very well, and have kept to ourselves more than we should have since we moved in. I don't believe this is any kind of 'karma' punishment, it's just that our neighborhood has proven difficult to "break into" the groups of friendships and seemingly life-long relationships that folks have with each other.

In any case, if we end up in jail for our barking dog, or whatever other rule they can think of next to accuse us of breaking, maybe a few of you will pool your money and post bail for us! ;-)

Processing Sedona

Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you for the prize. Such a person goes into great detail about what he has seen, and his unspiritual mind puffs him up with idle notions. He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow. (Col 2:18-19)

Two weeks ago, I visited Sedona, AZ on a business trip.

More accurately, two weeks ago, I visited Sedona on what I thought was going to be a business trip, but what actually ended up being a very interesting part of my own spiritual journey.

First, let me say up front, that some of you may think I'm a total nut job by the time I'm done sharing some of this with you...I think I can live with that...

Second, I'm still processing all that I saw and experienced in Sedona, so I hope you'll show some grace as I stumble through this...

I flew into Phoenix on Monday morning and rented a car for the 2 hour drive north to Sedona. I've been to Phoenix several times over the past few months, but had never been to Sedona. I knew I'd be in "red rock" country, but didn't really know what else to expect.

As I drove north and into the mountains, the beauty of the red rocks seemed to appear out of nowhere. Honestly, I had never seen such amazing beauty before. I could barely drive, and if I wouldn't have already been several hours late for the "conference" I was attending, I would have stopped multiple times to snap a few pictures and stand in awe of the beauty of the landscape. I was reminded over and over again of the indescribable beauty that God creates, and I felt small and a bit ashamed that I had never ventured that way to see and appreciate this amazing beauty right in the good 'ol USA. The sun was bright and the day was exceptionally clear. It was as if the rocks were worshipping Him with their beauty!



After a couple of hours, I neared the town of Sedona. A small-ish town, I discovered. The pueblo architecture was lovely, and the vegetation was much more lush than I had imagined, but as I drove into town, I couldn't quite explain why I started feeling a "heaviness" and seeing a bit of a darkness across the landscape. Somehow the beauty that had all but over-taken me just a few miles south didn't seem so impressive or beautiful anymore...and, honestly, I was not sure I understood why at all.

I made my way through winding roads towards the conference center where our meeting was being held, and as I drove through town, I began to notice a few things...

Crystal shops. Tarot card readings. Psychics. UFO crash sites. Sedona "energy" sites.

Huh?

Every block. Every strip mall. Every shopping center. Every quaint looking shop.

It took me a day or two to get my bearings and begin to put things together...let me digress for a minute...

A few months ago, I blogged about a theory that the most stilted, criminal minds might actually be some of the most gifted and 'dangerous for God' people ever...they are simply a big target for the enemy to deceive with his lies that they should/can use their gifts to gain wealth, fame and fortune and that those things will bring them happiness...in much the same way, I began to understand a difficult truth...

In a place of such amazing natural beauty, that can only be from God, the Holy Spirit is certainly present and active...the tears and sense of awe that I experienced driving into Sedona before I got into the town is evidence of this unspoiled presence of God. But, once in the town, I realized, that where there is so much of God's presence, of course, other, darker spirits are likely to be present, and this dark presence explains the oppression and sadness I felt there.

The piece I'm still working through is that the town of Sedona seems to be taken over by new-age concepts. They talk about Sedona being a 'vortex' of energy from the earth...this energy has 'healing power' and is deeply 'spiritual.' The presence of this 'energy' is thought to be stronger in Sedona than in other places. And, it's credited to the 'creator' or the 'divine.' Scripture is often quoted, but so are the words of other 'texts' and thinkers (Buddhism, Hindu, etc). Locals are quick to reference/credit "God," but don't talk about the idea of relationship or Christianity or Jesus or angels or demons. Some consider themselves 'born again' believers that proclaim Jesus is the Son of God, but seem to believe a list of other new-age-y things as well...

While I was there, I feel like God revealed some truth to me in terms of understanding how strong and deceptive the presence of evil is in the world. He strengthened me and my armor to fight for real freedom for those who are deceived and who are deceiving others (knowingly or unknowingly) by allowing these other spirits to influence them. As I've been learning, I realize how deceptive new-age thinking can really be...maybe I'll write more on that later...it's a bit much to process through, and I'm far from knowing enough to really talk intelligently about it all...

Certainly, I did enjoy the natural beauty of Sedona...this is one my favorite spots -- Cathedral Rock, I think it's called. And, I'm so grateful to be reminded that God's beauty is all around me, but that we have to be vigilant to guard against other, deceptive spirits that are also on this earth -- at least for the time being! ;-)

I'm curious to talk to others that may have been to Sedona. What was your experience? Where else have you felt the presence of God and the presence of darkness or evil as well?

Growth, Rest and Seasons...

It's been a nice, long break from blogging...

Actually, I'm lying...

It hasn't been a "nice" long break...

Rather, it's been a bit of a frustrating break.

I've been a bit "blocked" lately -- but not for lack of topics that I've wanted to write about. Quite the opposite, in fact...

Too many things I want to write about...

Today I realized I've got to start somewhere!

So, I'll share something interesting I learned about myself and about leadership today.

I'm at a conference in Sedona, Arizona (side note -- one of the MOST gorgeous places I've ever seen!). It's a conference focused on learning to lead differently.

Now, much of the content so far hasn't been that breakthrough for me, but having some time to reflect and think has been refreshing.

This afternoon, we were talking about our natural gifts. The facilitator of the session compared our gifts to "seeds" that need "soil" to grow. He asked us to consider "what soil do we need for our gifts to grow and thrive?" We each went outside for some quite time alone to consider this question.

I realize three things as I took in the beauty of the red rock area:

First, all throughout the hard, red rock walls, there were plants and vegetation growing -- flowers blooming and healthy leaves unfurling. And it struck me -- so often, we find ourselves in a place where we feel like we just "can't grow." But, is that really true? Can't we grow just about anywhere we are? As long as I desire to grow, and look for opportunities to grow, it doesn't matter whether I'm in a "rock" or soil...

Second, everywhere I looked, there were plants and animals -- little bugs flying all around, birds chirping, the plants and flowers I already mentioned. They are growing, being beautiful and giving back to the earth in their own, unique ways, and they aren't working hard to take on more responsibility or new challenges or to learn new skills (have you ever seen a bird try to learn to water ski?)...Now, there's nothing wrong with seeking out new skills, learning, knowledge, etc, but maybe sometimes I try too hard. Maybe if I just rested in my given talents and beauty, it would be "enough."

Finally, as I was reflecting on the plants and flowers again, I thought about the season -- it's late spring/early summer. For some of the plants, it's the season to flower and bloom. For others, it's a season of tremendous growth, but not for outward blooms. In several months, for most of these plants, it will be a season of outward dormancy, while the roots continue to grow and strengthen under the soil (or rock, in this case). I need to realize that seasons are healthy -- it's not always time to be blooming and "on"...with regularity, I need time for internal growth and nourishment without the pressure of production...

I consistently struggle with allowing myself to have "seasons"...the pressure to produce is strong...but, it's a choice, and I'm going to try to work on choosing to rest, reflect and pursue inward growth more often, knowing that what I "produce" will be healthier and more beautiful for the effort. I'm going to try to be content with my given strengths and talents, appreciate my own beauty, and grow wherever I am planted at the moment...

Things I never do...

So, I've made it through the week! Nick comes home from Honduras tomorrow, and I've been reflective tonight about all the things the week has entailed. Here are just a few of the things that I almost NEVER do that I've done this week while Nick's been gone...

• Killed three wasps in our bathroom (where the heck do those things even come from?)
• Took out the trash and the recycling bin
• Cleaned the whole house -- Vacuumed and swiffed the floors (Nick's two favorite chores!); and dusted, which neither of us likes to do very often
  
• Cleaned the cat litter pans (actually, I haven't done this yet, but it's on my list to do tomorrow before he gets home)
• Packed Dominick's lunch for him everyday -- not because he can't do it himself, but just because...
• Planted some flowers in the yard
• Swept out the garage
  
• Took the kids to the bus stop
• Took Coco for a few walks
• Took the kids to get ice cream
• Watched TV much less and read/reflected/prayed much more often
  
• Cooked dinner...like 4 times!!!! Seriously, this is big...I made chicken noodle soup one night (NOT from a can!); I fried some chicken tonight (will never do that again...what a mess!); made tuna casserole one night, etc...
• Ate more fruits and veggies (weird, huh!?...but, I think I know why, and it's too deep for tonight's blogpost...)
• Cried...a lot...not just because I missed him, but because it was probably the most difficult and painful week I've had at Seek in the past two years...again, too much for tonight's post...
• Asked for help -- when the garage door got stuck and when I needed to go to the grocery and Anthony was sleepy and cranky
  
• Went into work late and left early, without stressing out about it
  
• Painted my toenails
  
• Went shopping for myself

I also did some not-so-great things...like staying up late into the night working (multiple nights); screaming at the kids (once on the way home from Dominick's soccer game when they just would not stop fighting in the car), and playing around on facebook much more than anyone should ever play around on facebook...

But, here's the really big thing...

I spent all this time this week coming up with things that I could do to show Nick how much I love him.

I spent all this time this week thinking about how much I love him, and need him and want him.

Everyone that asked got an earful about how great he is...and how brave he is to take this trip...and what an example he is for the kids...and what a great leader he is for this family.

And, eating better, painting my toenails, relaxing about work, treating myself a bit, just being "here" with the kids, talking great about him...these are the things that communicate my love.

So, why don't I do them more often? Why don't I sit around dreaming about how to show him my love when he's here?

Wow...God has just rocked my world this week. I'm so blessed and humbled.

So, tomorrow night, I'm going to put on a skirt, and makeup, and maybe even some perfume and take myself and my painted toenails to the airport and pick up my husband...

I hope he recognizes me!

Taking care of "stuff"

So, Nick left yesterday for Honduras, and I've been on my own with the kids for almost 48 hours now. To most moms, this would not be a big deal, I imagine.

But, as Dominick seems quite fond on reminding me the past two days, I'm not a "normal mom."

I am the one that usually goes on "trips," according to the kids. (This is, in fact, quite true.) So, me being home with them each night, fixing dinner, taking them to practices, getting them ready for school and onto the bus -- it's all stuff I'm not as practiced at as Nick is...

Lanie and Anthony seem quite content with how things have been going these couple of days, but Dominick believes that there is "important stuff" that I'm just not taking care of...hmmm...

Tonight, as I was putting the kids in bed, Lanie and Dominick and I prayed together for Nick. (Anthony was already asleep). Lanie's prayer was so sweet...it went something like this:

"Dear Jesus, please take care of Daddy and help him to remember, that even though we're really far away from him, that we love him and miss him. Please help us to have fun and do okay while he's gone. Please protect him and bring him home safely."

Nice.

Sweet.

No sideways comments about my mothering this week...

Then, it was Dominick's turn...

"Dear God, please help us. We know that Mom is usually the one that goes on trips, and Dad takes care of things for us. Please help us with the hole that we have since Dad isn't here to take care of stuff for us. That's it. Amen."

Um...so, what "stuff" am I not taking care of? I asked him this question, and if he was worried about something not getting taken care of. He seemed worried, but unable to describe the gaping hole in "things that need to be taken care of."

In any case, I am certainly appreciating what it feels like to be a single parent, and know that this experience will help me to appreciate and empathize with Nick when I do have to travel...and hopefully the kids will survive the rest of our week. By the tone of Dominick's blog, it'll be a miracle if we survive. ;-)

Joy and Sadness...

A few years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night, by a crystal clear voice telling me "You are going to die."

Mind you, there was no-one awake in our house at the time. Nick was sleeping soundly next to me, and the kids were comfy in their beds.

Still, the voice in my head was perfectly clear...and tenacious...

"You are going to die."

I protested, pled, bargained. At some point during this interaction, I realized that the voice was God's, and for awhile (longer than was reasonable, probably), I fought with Him.

Finally, I caved in. "Okay," I rationed, "I'm going to die. When?"

"Someday." The voice answered me.

"Um...could you provide a little more detail please...???"

"No, but do you see that man lying next to you?"

"Yes, of course...he's snoring and taking up more than his half of the bed..."

"Yes...He is the one I made for you.
Are you treating him that way?
You are going to die someday...will he know that you knew that he was the man for you?"

Ouch...

and

Wow...

What an amazing message from God that night.

Honestly, since that night over 6 years ago, that one vision/message has kept me going some days.

Marriage is hard work.

But, today, I'm reaping an amazing reward.

Nick is heading tomorrow on an adventure. To Honduras. On a mission trip. Six years ago, this would not have been something that he would have ever considered.

But, the man he is today is a transformed version of who he was then. I've always been humbled by his honesty and pragmatic approach to life. Such an amazing foil to my incessant strategic "what if" planning mindset...

And, in past year or so, he's pretty much 'lapped me' in the journey of spiritual growth, and this trip represents a key point in his journey with God.

I'm joyful and excited for him...and, almost surprisingly, a bit sad.

I can hardly imagine a whole week without him here. He'll be gone in about 6 hours, and I'm a mess...seriously...crying off and on all day today...trying to be brave and not let on that I'm not sure how to survive without him here...

And, I'm realizing that this trip is just as much about him finding whatever God has for him there, as it is about me more fully understanding the depth of this love that God has given me for him...

So, here's to a week of learning for both of us, from thousands of miles away from each other.

I hope you'll pray for both of us this week...

I have a theory

I have a theory...maybe I'm not the first person to think of this -- in fact, I'm pretty sure that someone else much smarter and more self-actualized has probably thought a lot more about this than I have, but here's my theory...

My theory is that some of the most potentially powerful people for the kingdom of God are the ones who are currently stuck in the worst situations.

The woman who has been beaten black and blue by a husband who's ravaged with rage deep inside him,

and the husband who is beating her.

The sanitation worker who took the only job he could find so that he could pay the bills, but is eternally unchallenged and bored with his job.

The prisoner who embezzeled thousands of dollars from his company.

The child in Africa, who suffers from malaria, can't seem to get any clean water to drink, and doesn't understand how to process the big dreams that race through her mind.

When I reflect on this theory, I wonder why there is no evil force putting inexplicable effort into keeping me down...or maybe there is, but why am I so fortunate to be able to join God in the work I see him doing? How much more powerful are these folks that I see everyday who aren't as fortunate as I am?

See, if God knows about the power and vision he has for each of his children, I'm quite convinced that satan knows about it, too...and he (satan) pours out a lot of energy to keep these folks from living out what God has designed them to do...doesn't this make sense? Think about the countless "celebrities" who aren't using their fame and fortune for good...and then, think of the ones that are using it for good...God designed us all for kingdom purposes, but even those of us that are trying to pursue it potentially never realize the impact that God wants to make through us.

Can you imagine a world where folks lived out their unique design for good? Here's a woman who really "gets" this...This young woman and her work is an inspiration to me. Even more, though, I'm inspired by the guys that her organization "sets free."

Next time you encounter someone who is beaten down, unable to "make it,", seemingly trapped by addiction or rage or bad decisions, think about it...

What did God really design that person for?

Is it really so hard to believe that it was for a good and noble and really important kingdom purpose?

Kids are amazing

I've told you about Dominick before...quite an amazing young man.

For a few weeks, Dominick has been asking me if he could start his own blog.

So, last weekend, we started a blog for him. Check it out!

I've always been impressed by Dominick's maturity, intelligence, focus and passion. But, nothing quite compares to reading his authentic, raw thoughts -- the ones that he feels he must share via his blog.

God is so good to Nick and I. So often, we realize the gaps in our parenting. And then, we remember...God is the ultimate parent, and He can close every gap. Thank you, God, for such an awesome kid!

Great Expectations

This morning I went with my reset group to the prayer experience at Crossroads.

Even before I left this morning, I had been thinking about expectations.

More honestly, I was angry.

I've had a rough week or two. Mostly because I have allowed myself to be driven by, motivated by, and then frustrated by my perception of what other people expect from me.

Now, to be clear, I didn't reach that level of self-awareness about what was going on until wrestling this with God today.

See, I was angry because I just knew that people have unrealistic expectations of me. How dare they expect me to do, or fix, or say, or be whatever they are expecting me to do, fix, say or be? It's just not realistic to be so perfect, prescient, present...to have super powers that allow me to fix every problem immediately -- before it happens, preferably; to be three places at once; to know every detail of every situation going on around me and empathize with everyone's situation -- and find a solution that makes everyone happy.

Clearly, these people have a problem.

I should just tell them how ridiculous they are being. How they should know better. How they should think about all the things going on in my life and be a bit more empathetic and reasonable. How they should recognize and affirm how much I really am doing.

Even as I write this, it all looks so obvious, and yet, it took a while to see the flaw in my own logic and, even more, in my own heart on this topic.

How high are my expectation of others that they should know how I'm feeling without me saying anything about it? Maybe my expectations are the ones that are too high here.

This is all just a big mess. People have expectations of each other...and guess what? We'll never live up to each others expectations...and, more importantly, I realized this morning, I'll never live up to my own expectations of myself (sadly, I have to admit that, if I look at my life, it would tell me that I expect myself to be perfect, omni-present, all-knowing, merciful, yet convicting, etc...ummm, that sounds a bit lofty, don't you think?)

So, if I can't live up to my own expectations, or yours, what am I to do...

Here's what I heard this morning as I was praying...

First, let go of what I think others expect of me. I've made too many assumptions here, and even if they do expect the impossible, it's not my job to please everyone.

Second, recognize that God simply expects me to be me. Not to be Him. That's His job.

Third, maybe this quest for pleasing people by being so perfect is actually part of what makes me seem "intimidating"...

So, I'm going to jump into this messiness of being okay with me, even if I sense that people aren't so happy with me...

I'll let you know how it goes...

A big misunderstanding

When I was growing up, we observed "lent." As I understood it, I had to "give something up" -- something I really, really liked. Giving this thing up would remind me of the sacrifice Jesus made for me, and when he spent 40 days in the desert praying and fasting and being tempted to walk away from the path his father had sent him on.

Most years, I gave up candy. Someone once told me about a "loophole" to this lenten rule that said that you had to give up your "thing" all week, but on Sunday, you could have the day off (you know, it's the 'sabbath')...

Each year, I could hardly wait til Easter Sunday, when I could finally enjoy the thing I had given up.

In recent years, as I've ventured farther from religious rules and more into a relationship with Jesus, I've purposely avoided the whole topic of lent...it just didn't make sense to me...it felt like a big "group fast" -- and folks seem to be so interested in comparing notes..."what did you give up this year? I gave up chocolate." "I gave up coffee." I gave up cussing."

This year, once again, I've avoided it.

But, oddly, it's been on my heart...and as I've pressed into it, I think I have a new understanding of the whole thing...

In Luke 4, when Jesus goes into the desert for 40 days, he's tempted with all kinds of great stuff -- power, money, fame, safety...and he resists, and he leans on his father to get him through it. At the end of all the temptation, the Bible says that the devil finished his temptation and left Jesus...

This has me thinking...

What if giving up something is not about me remembering what Jesus did for me? What if its really about me letting myself rely on God to resist stuff that I ought to be resisting anyway. And, what if I hear from Him more clearly because I'm relying on him instead of some other thing (habit, food, drink, whatever) that I'm probably way too reliant on? What if it's really about building up my faith and ability to resist evil?

So, I know I've missed half the "season," but I'm gonna give it a whirl and give something up.

I don't need to tell you what it is...that's between me and God...

I believe if I do this with the right intentions in my heart, He'll actually reveal something to me -- so, by giving something up, I'll get something else in return...probably something much more beneficial to my heart.

So, I'm going to lean on Him, and listen for Him and ask Him what He wants to reveal to me while I'm fasting from this "earthly pleasure."

Please don't tell me what you're "giving up" for lent...but I'd love to know what you are GETTING during lent...care to share?

A new excuse

So, I neglected to get up and work out this morning...

Again...

But, I have a new excuse to add to my list...

Anthony (age 4, almost 5) came downstairs to our room around 2am and asked if he could get into bed with us.

I always thought that having a first floor master bedroom, with the kids' rooms upstairs was a good thing. Most days, I like it. I can get up and get ready for work without disturbing anyone. And, you know, there are other benefits...this is a nice girl's blog, though, so I won't go into those...

Anyway, one of the ways that it's NOT good to have a first floor bedroom is that I'm way too, well, asleep, to get up at 2am and escort Anthony back to bed. Even if I could rouse myself to get up, he's just so darn cute, I'm not sure I would. And, he the youngest, which means he gets extra favor for climbing in bed with us at 2am...

So, when the alarm went off this morning, I had to turn it off quick -- so that he wouldn't wake up...poor little guy. And, I couldn't get up and work out in our room (where the elliptical machine is) because then I'd wake him up.

Darn.

Foiled again.

However, I have to say that I was kinda upset about the whole thing. I really wanted to exercise this morning.

Oh well...

I'll try again tomorrow...

A big anniversary

It's coming up on 2 years now since I left P&G to join a small, somewhat maverick little company called Seek (http://www.seekresearch.com). After 12 years of comfort, cash and status, I was wrestling with God about whether it was time for me to take a big step of faith and try something new.

A move like this was no small change.

I'd be walking away from years of credibility I had worked hard to build. A large crowd of very diverse friends and inspiring, motivating co-workers -- truly many of the best and brightest people I had ever known or had the honor to work alongside and learn from. A FAT paycheck and very comfortable pile of stock options that would certainly pay for college tuition for the kids, nice vacations and maybe, someday a house a the beach.

But, I felt and heard God calling me out. Asking me to take a risk in His name...

One day, I was driving to work, and praying about whether to accept the job offer I had from Seek, or stay at P&G. I had told the folks at P&G that I was considering leaving, and they were being so amazing and gracious and accommodating. They had asked me to consider "what did I really want" -- and I believe they had every intention of trying to deliver on whatever my answer was. So many amazing mentors and coaches there knew me very well, and wanted the best for me always.

And, on that fateful drive down River Road, God gave me a crystal clear vision that I've not ever really written down. It's about time I did...

Here goes...

A small lamb is standing in a desert. A kind shepherd is standing next to the lamb. The lamb is tentative, looking to the right and to the left -- evidently trying to decide which way to go.

To the right, a beautiful and bountiful "feast" is awaiting the lamb. Fresh fruits, flowers -- all of the lamb's favorites...prepared with utmost care, and clearly highly catered to the lamb. Every piece of the "feast" was healthy and good.

To the left, a gently sloping hill of of sand with those ripples you always see. Beyond the slope is out of view.

The lamb looks up with question's in her eyes to the kind shepherd. (Do you know where this is going yet?)

He gently nudges her to the left.

"Why?" she asks (yes, in my vision, the lamb could talk). "The feast over to the right has been carefully prepared by those who love me so much. It is healthy and bountiful and beautiful."

He again gently nudges her to the left. "Child, you can't see what's over that hill. But, I can. Do you trust me that it's even better?"

I called the folks at Seek that afternoon and said "I'm in!"

Over the past two years, I can tell you that there have been days/weeks where I felt like I was stuck in one of those ripples in the sand...but occasionally, I think I'm seeing a few glimpses of what's beyond that gentle slope. I've never looked back, and I'm amazed how God has been faithful to care and provide for us, how much I've grown, how much deeper my faith has become, and how much sheer joy and fun have come into my life in the past 2 years.

I do feel like He's showing me, step by step, a little more each day about what might be over that hill, and I'm so grateful to be along for the ride!

So, which direction are you heading? Are you taking the safe, easy route, or are you ready to follow Him, even if it means going the opposite way than what looks logical?

Excuses...

I've been making excuses lately...and I need to stop it. I'm annoying myself.

Every morning, my alarm goes off at 5:30am.

Most mornings, I do actually hear it, but quickly hit the snooze.

Then, I hit the snooze again 10 minutes later when the alarm goes off again.

Then, I hit the snooze again.

And again.

This goes on for quite some time -- most mornings, an hour or more...honestly, there are often 20-30 minute time periods in there that I really think I'm hitting the snooze in my sleep (not sleep walking or talking in my sleep, my habit is sleep-snoozing).

But, most mornings, sometime around 6am, I think I start to actually wake up a little...and I start making excuses for why I'm not getting out of bed to work out...here are a few of my standards...

• Nick is sleeping so soundly...if I get up, I'll wake him up. (I like this one, it makes me feel like a caring wife)
  
• I think my blood sugar is a bit too high to work out. (that sounds medically sound, right?)
  
• I think my blood sugar is a bit too low to work out.
• I have to be a work early today because I have a lot to do...I don't have time to work out today, but I really wanted to. Darn.
• I think I'm getting a headache.
• I'm tired.
• I'm warm and cozy and it's cold outside the bed.
• I deserve some sleep...I had a rough night and didn't fall asleep until very late.
• I'll be grumpy and sleepy all day if I get up this early and work out. (this is clearly the lamest and also the biggest lie I tell myself)
  
• I'll just sleep 10 more minutes, and then I'll get up. (this one is a classic...often repeated several times, and then followed by one of the above excuses)
  

What do they all have in common?

They are all pathetic (except the low blood sugar, but even then, I should at least get up and check it rather than assuming!). They are all convenient. They are all helping me keep this extra 15 lbs that I've been telling myself I'm "actively" trying to lose for the past 2 years...

So there.

I thought if I confessed, it might make me feel a bit more convicted to get my lazy butt out of bed tomorrow and work out...

Oh yeah, and I think I'll move the alarm clock a bit farther away from my bed and see if that helps, too!

Writing a Great Resume

People ask me fairly often to help them optimize their resumes for them. I've realized over the years that there are some common "tricks" to writing a great resume...

Given the number of people out of work these days, I thought I'd share a few of them with you...I've been a "hiring manager" in various roles for years, so I hope this adds to the credibility of my observations!

1. Use Active Verbs. Tell me what you DID, not what you were responsible for in your past roles. As a hiring manager, I'm MOST interested in the contribution that you made. So, if you were "responsible for answering phones," I'd be more impressed by seeing that you "Created a warm and welcoming environment for a heavy volume of callers, evidenced by frequent unsolicited feedback." Or, if you were "responsible for counting money in a cash drawer at the end of a shift, " I'd be more intrigued to hear that you "Identified multiple inefficiencies in end-of-shift cash drawer reconciliation process, reducing a previous discrepancy average of $450 to less than $10/shift." See the difference? Created. Led. Identified. Envisioned. Ensured. Active verbs.

2. C.A.R. Context, Action, Result. For any item that you include in your resume, provide me with some CONTEXT -- what was the environment or situation you were working in? Then, you must include the ACTION that you took (this is where the active verbs come in); and finally, the RESULT you were able to achieve. In the two previous examples:
Context: heavy volume of callers; big discrepancy in cash drawer reconciliation
Action: Created a welcoming greeting; Identified the problem and found a sustainable fix
Result: Frequent unsolicited feedback; significant reduction in average cash discrepancy
You see that they don't have to be written "in order", but often, when I'm teaching this concept, I ask folks to write them out in order, and then we turn them into a more succinct sentence or phrase.

3. Brag...a little...but be truthful. It's hard for some of us to talk about ourselves. But, if you want someone to hire you, they need to know what you can do for them! Your resume should highlight your unique contributions. It should answer the question: What would NOT have happened at this company/in this department/etc. if I would not have been there? If you were part of a team, you can say that, but cite what YOUR contribution was to the team.

4. Focus. Lately, I see a LOT of people who just want "a job." I get it...Times are hard, and if you're out of work, there is a lot of pressure to just get "something." But, hiring managers don't want generalists...they want to know why you are perfect for their job...they have LOTS of people to choose from right now. So, you may need different versions of your resume that highlight different contributions that are more relevant for the role you are applying for.

5. Details. Check your spelling. Check your grammar. Make sure that the document looks nice (margins line up, don't use 4 different fonts/font sizes, etc). Have a trusted, grammatically correct friend look it over for you! Honestly, if a resume hits my desk and it has typos, grammar errors, someone uses the same word too frequently, or it looks "messy,", I toss it out. Harsh, but true. I don't have to settle for any employee...especially not these days!

There are lots of other tips and tricks, but these 5 will certainly make a noticeable improvement in your resume. If you have other tricks or hints, I'd love to hear them!

Oh, how I'm missed you...

Sometimes things just get out of control, you know?

I was doing so well there for awhile...

Had (made) some margin in my schedule....

Prioritized spending quite time with God....

Journaled/blogged my thoughts and various things I felt like God was revealing to me...

Then, as I tend to do, I let life take over and take control...

So, I've missed you all...I've been reading your blogs, but haven't done much on mine.

And, I'm not sure I've been giving God enough space to talk as much as I should...as much as He might want to talk to me.

Sometimes when the kids are talking all at once to me, and I just want to share something with them, or hug them, or look at them and they are squirming around and screaming and whining about something...I stop...and wonder...

Is this what God sees when He's trying to talk to me? Trying to hug me? Trying to show me or tell me in some way that He loves me?

Of course, I know the answer to those silly rhetorical questions. And, I realized I'm a whiner sometimes, and a squirm-er most times...

So, I'm trying to slow down and listen...But, I will share this little update...

I read Isaiah 58 a few weeks ago. I read it over and over and over and over again. Found myself getting pumped up, moved, excited, convicted, called. And then, for a few weeks, distracted.

Tim read it this week during his message at VWS....and I saw in my bible how I had underlined the whole darn chapter...

and I realized...

He's trying to say something to me...

and I need to slow down a bit, fix my eyes on Him, and listen for awhile.

So, here's to re-prioritizing...again...and remembering that I have to make an effort to make time to listen...

Overwhelmed

I've been thinking a lot about being overwhelmed. I really over-use the word "overwhelmed." Lately, I've realized that I use it almost equally in two "opposite" directions -- I say I'm "overwhelmed" when I am exceptionally stressed, busy, upset; and, I use it when I'm completely awed by something amazing -- often something that God has orchestrated, created or revealed to me.

I'm going to make a brave resolution...

I'm going to reserve the word "overwhelmed" for those situations when I am truly awed by God's presence in my life -- where I feel submerged, sinking in his grace and presence...

That said, I've been overwhelmed many times in the past few weeks, ever since my SOZO experience, I've been having dreams and visions...almost too many and too much to piece it together enough to blog about, but I will soon...

I'm traveling this week...Cincinnati to Denver on Monday; Denver to San Diego on Wednesday, and home tomorrow by way of a quick layover in Salt Lake City. I've flown over the Rocky Mountains before, but this time, I was really overwhelmed by the beauty, majesty and expanse of the range. The bright sun shone on the peaks and cast shadows -- from the sky it looked at one point like a meringue covered pie, and then at another point, choppy, white peaked waves. As I was staring out the window at this glorious example of God's divine creation, I found myself crying...from the wonder of the beauty of the earth; from the gratitude for what I've been blessed to see; for the "small-ness" of me, and the bigness of God and the reality that I'll never be able to comprehend a love so big as His.

Someday, I hope I'll be able to spend a bit more time exploring the beauty of the Rocky Mountains up close. But, for now, I'm looking forward to the view from my seat at 34,000 feet tomorrow on my way home!

A gift for my year of softening...

This week I had an amazing experience of God's love for me. At VWS, we have a team of prayer warriors who have been doing a form of emotional healing prayer called SOZO. I went for some healing prayer in a SOZO on Tuesday night...

Wow.

Simply overwhelming.

I couldn't begin to capture in writing all of the things that God spoke to me through this prayer session. But, I wanted to try to write down at least one piece of it, because it was so powerful in its relevance to my 2009 goal of "softening."

Essentially, SOZO aims to set one free from lies that we may have believed for many years about ourselves. When we lay the lie down, denounce it, rebuke it, we ask God to replace it with something.

During my prayer time, I didn't really feel much about being intimidating. I realized there were lies I believed about myself related to fear, doubt, need for human affection, and a few other things. We went through a process of denying each lie that the Holy Spirit showed me I had believed about myself.

And then, we asked God what truth he had for me in exchange for the lies. I'll try to explain the picture He gave me, and little about what He revealed about its meaning...

In a brightly lit white space, Jesus stood with me. He was wearing a white robe with a gold sash. I was standing next to Him, and I realized that I was wearing a white robe, too. This reflects that I am made in His image (the white color represents holiness, right standing, purity).

He took off his gold sash and tied it around my waist, and told me it was my "warrior belt." (Gold represents wealth, kingliness, majesty, etc).

I reached in his pocket and pulled out two gifts...first, a pink heart (think, valentine!). Then, a small white pillow. I asked what the pillow was for -- softness, comfort, rest, slumber, protection for my head from the hard ground -- these were the words I heard.

Immediately, I saw the connection to my year of humility and getting "knocked off my horse" last year and my desire to be softer this year...and He was reassuring me that, all along, I've been a soft-hearted, loving person; and that He's always been there to keep me from hitting the hard ground when I'm humbled.

But, up til this week, I had chosen to believe a lie -- that I was an intimidating person; a mean person in some way.

To be clear, there have been times when my behavior has been intimidating or mean or overpowering...but I am not a mean, overpowering, intimidating person...there is a HUGE difference!

So, whatever I do that is not glorifying to God -- it's the ACTION or the BEHAVIOR, it's not ME and those actions/behaviors don't have to define me! I need to confess them, work on them, forgive myself for them, but I don't have to believe the lie that they define me.

What defines me is that I am made in His image...and that truth is quite a gift!

What's in a name?

There has been a lot in popular "maverick" leadership press over the past few years about titles. All over, "hip" companies are letting folks create their own titles, or giving people very descriptive titles ("Change Agent" or "Optimizer" or "Detail Driver") while moving away from "traditional" titles like Vice President or Director. Tradition is bad! Change is good! Freedom from the chains of stuffy old definitions that put people and their contributions into a pre-determined box! Let people create a title that communicates what they uniquely bring and who they uniquely are...

I have been a big supporter of this movement for quite some time...

However...I've been thinking about it a LOT lately, and I might be changing my mind a bit...

I was reflecting on big moments in my own personal growth, both in my career and in life in general. I realized that almost every time I've made a significant leap in my growth, it's been PREceded by some "title" that was given to me. Usually, I had some understanding of what the "title" meant or the mantle it carried, but never did I feel worthy of it or ready for it. In contrast, times when I've given myself a title, it's reflective what I thought I was contributing or reasonably capable of contributing at the time, but rarely something way beyond me that I could grow into.

A few examples...

"mom" -- I was given the title "mom" when I first became pregnant with my first child. Arguably, at that point, I was not doing any of the things I thought "moms" do...I was still taking care of myself, would vomit at the sight or smell of someone else's vomit, needed a good 8 hours of sleep, and thought my life was "busy." Ha! But, something about being called "mom" inspired me to begin to live up to the title.

"mentor" -- this was a big one for me...a young manager at P&G asked me to be her "mentor" several years ago. I had a pretty good idea of what a mentor was, and I certainly didn't think I was capable of being one to someone else...I was, at that point, mostly a mentee -- seeking guidance from my own set of mentors (wise people with lots of career and life experience). But, again, somehow, being called a mentor inspired me to begin to live up to the title.

"coach" -- again...same story for me. Several others: "Manager" "Associate Director" "General Manager" "Executive Director"...each time, I've not felt ready or worthy, but I had a pretty good working "definition" of what the title meant, and each time, growth came because I strove to live up to the title.

Jesus did the same thing...he gathered a bunch of wayward teenagers with grim prospects for their futures and he called them priest, disciple, healer, fisher of men...all titles that had meaning and definition and that were not at all reflective of what these guys were doing at the time, but rather what Jesus knew they could do if they were inspired and motivated.

Anyway, a bit of rambling tonight...but food for thought...and a few questions to ask myself (maybe that you need to ask yourself, too!):

• Who in my care do I need to bestow a big title on?
  
• Where do I need to embrace the "traditional" titles because they will inspire growth for me or for someone I'm coaching or mentoring?
  
• Where might a title be holding someone back from what they could be?
  
• Are any of my own titles holding me back? If so, even if no-one else changes them, how might my own perspective or behavior shift if I strove to be worthy of a different "title?"

Waiting for purpose...

This is Dominick. He just turned 10 in December. My first born son, Dominick is a more intense male version of yours truly. Almost everything about him is just like his mom, but amped up a bit. He's smart -- much smarter than me...intensely competitive, full of passion, responsibility, an exceptionally strong will, and often victim to his incessant stream of strategic, logical thoughts and ideas.

And there is a serious battle going on for this guy. He's going to win...God is going to win, and I can't wait to see the victory.

At VWS this past Sunday, pastor Jim taught the kids about "purpose." Last night, while I was tucking Dominick into bed after another battle of wills (we have those often in our house), he asked me if I knew what his purpose was in life. He was feeling pretty bad after losing some privileges for some bad choices earlier in the evening, and he wondered, was his purpose ultimately to die? Was it to argue with his parents? Was it to make bad choices and always feel like he's fighting against the world?

As we often do, Dominick and I talked about his gift of "passion." Passion is one of those "gifts" that, when not exercised for good, can land folks in jail, chase away would-be friends, and leave one feeling intensely disappointed in oneself. When it's used for good, the results can be exponential and more far-reaching than one might have been able to imagine.

I'm convinced that Dominick's mix of gifts and talents and passion have been placed in him for a purpose. As we talked and prayed last night, I asked God to reveal his purpose to Dominick. In my heart, though, I felt like it would come in time, when he's closer to being a "grown up" when people come to know their purpose...when you're a kid, it's just about being a kid, right?

Wrong.

All morning, Dominick was on my mind...why should he, can he not have purpose NOW? And, how empowering and scary to the bad guy trying to mess with Dominick's head would it be for Dominick to live out today's purpose instead of believing the lies that he's not worth much and is just meant to die or make bad choices or be a disappointment. He's not hearing those lies from his parents...they are coming from an enemy that is trying to lie to him and wear him down...why? Because this kid is going to be DANGEROUS for God!

And, I don't have to wait to see it...I can encourage and call out purpose in my 10 year old right now, today...

I'd love it if you'd please keep Dominick in your prayers, friends. And, share your ideas about how to help kids see purpose in their lives...