Great Expectations

This morning I went with my reset group to the prayer experience at Crossroads.

Even before I left this morning, I had been thinking about expectations.

More honestly, I was angry.

I've had a rough week or two. Mostly because I have allowed myself to be driven by, motivated by, and then frustrated by my perception of what other people expect from me.

Now, to be clear, I didn't reach that level of self-awareness about what was going on until wrestling this with God today.

See, I was angry because I just knew that people have unrealistic expectations of me. How dare they expect me to do, or fix, or say, or be whatever they are expecting me to do, fix, say or be? It's just not realistic to be so perfect, prescient, present...to have super powers that allow me to fix every problem immediately -- before it happens, preferably; to be three places at once; to know every detail of every situation going on around me and empathize with everyone's situation -- and find a solution that makes everyone happy.

Clearly, these people have a problem.

I should just tell them how ridiculous they are being. How they should know better. How they should think about all the things going on in my life and be a bit more empathetic and reasonable. How they should recognize and affirm how much I really am doing.

Even as I write this, it all looks so obvious, and yet, it took a while to see the flaw in my own logic and, even more, in my own heart on this topic.

How high are my expectation of others that they should know how I'm feeling without me saying anything about it? Maybe my expectations are the ones that are too high here.

This is all just a big mess. People have expectations of each other...and guess what? We'll never live up to each others expectations...and, more importantly, I realized this morning, I'll never live up to my own expectations of myself (sadly, I have to admit that, if I look at my life, it would tell me that I expect myself to be perfect, omni-present, all-knowing, merciful, yet convicting, etc...ummm, that sounds a bit lofty, don't you think?)

So, if I can't live up to my own expectations, or yours, what am I to do...

Here's what I heard this morning as I was praying...

First, let go of what I think others expect of me. I've made too many assumptions here, and even if they do expect the impossible, it's not my job to please everyone.

Second, recognize that God simply expects me to be me. Not to be Him. That's His job.

Third, maybe this quest for pleasing people by being so perfect is actually part of what makes me seem "intimidating"...

So, I'm going to jump into this messiness of being okay with me, even if I sense that people aren't so happy with me...

I'll let you know how it goes...

A big misunderstanding

When I was growing up, we observed "lent." As I understood it, I had to "give something up" -- something I really, really liked. Giving this thing up would remind me of the sacrifice Jesus made for me, and when he spent 40 days in the desert praying and fasting and being tempted to walk away from the path his father had sent him on.

Most years, I gave up candy. Someone once told me about a "loophole" to this lenten rule that said that you had to give up your "thing" all week, but on Sunday, you could have the day off (you know, it's the 'sabbath')...

Each year, I could hardly wait til Easter Sunday, when I could finally enjoy the thing I had given up.

In recent years, as I've ventured farther from religious rules and more into a relationship with Jesus, I've purposely avoided the whole topic of lent...it just didn't make sense to me...it felt like a big "group fast" -- and folks seem to be so interested in comparing notes..."what did you give up this year? I gave up chocolate." "I gave up coffee." I gave up cussing."

This year, once again, I've avoided it.

But, oddly, it's been on my heart...and as I've pressed into it, I think I have a new understanding of the whole thing...

In Luke 4, when Jesus goes into the desert for 40 days, he's tempted with all kinds of great stuff -- power, money, fame, safety...and he resists, and he leans on his father to get him through it. At the end of all the temptation, the Bible says that the devil finished his temptation and left Jesus...

This has me thinking...

What if giving up something is not about me remembering what Jesus did for me? What if its really about me letting myself rely on God to resist stuff that I ought to be resisting anyway. And, what if I hear from Him more clearly because I'm relying on him instead of some other thing (habit, food, drink, whatever) that I'm probably way too reliant on? What if it's really about building up my faith and ability to resist evil?

So, I know I've missed half the "season," but I'm gonna give it a whirl and give something up.

I don't need to tell you what it is...that's between me and God...

I believe if I do this with the right intentions in my heart, He'll actually reveal something to me -- so, by giving something up, I'll get something else in return...probably something much more beneficial to my heart.

So, I'm going to lean on Him, and listen for Him and ask Him what He wants to reveal to me while I'm fasting from this "earthly pleasure."

Please don't tell me what you're "giving up" for lent...but I'd love to know what you are GETTING during lent...care to share?

A new excuse

So, I neglected to get up and work out this morning...

Again...

But, I have a new excuse to add to my list...

Anthony (age 4, almost 5) came downstairs to our room around 2am and asked if he could get into bed with us.

I always thought that having a first floor master bedroom, with the kids' rooms upstairs was a good thing. Most days, I like it. I can get up and get ready for work without disturbing anyone. And, you know, there are other benefits...this is a nice girl's blog, though, so I won't go into those...

Anyway, one of the ways that it's NOT good to have a first floor bedroom is that I'm way too, well, asleep, to get up at 2am and escort Anthony back to bed. Even if I could rouse myself to get up, he's just so darn cute, I'm not sure I would. And, he the youngest, which means he gets extra favor for climbing in bed with us at 2am...

So, when the alarm went off this morning, I had to turn it off quick -- so that he wouldn't wake up...poor little guy. And, I couldn't get up and work out in our room (where the elliptical machine is) because then I'd wake him up.

Darn.

Foiled again.

However, I have to say that I was kinda upset about the whole thing. I really wanted to exercise this morning.

Oh well...

I'll try again tomorrow...

A big anniversary

It's coming up on 2 years now since I left P&G to join a small, somewhat maverick little company called Seek (http://www.seekresearch.com). After 12 years of comfort, cash and status, I was wrestling with God about whether it was time for me to take a big step of faith and try something new.

A move like this was no small change.

I'd be walking away from years of credibility I had worked hard to build. A large crowd of very diverse friends and inspiring, motivating co-workers -- truly many of the best and brightest people I had ever known or had the honor to work alongside and learn from. A FAT paycheck and very comfortable pile of stock options that would certainly pay for college tuition for the kids, nice vacations and maybe, someday a house a the beach.

But, I felt and heard God calling me out. Asking me to take a risk in His name...

One day, I was driving to work, and praying about whether to accept the job offer I had from Seek, or stay at P&G. I had told the folks at P&G that I was considering leaving, and they were being so amazing and gracious and accommodating. They had asked me to consider "what did I really want" -- and I believe they had every intention of trying to deliver on whatever my answer was. So many amazing mentors and coaches there knew me very well, and wanted the best for me always.

And, on that fateful drive down River Road, God gave me a crystal clear vision that I've not ever really written down. It's about time I did...

Here goes...

A small lamb is standing in a desert. A kind shepherd is standing next to the lamb. The lamb is tentative, looking to the right and to the left -- evidently trying to decide which way to go.

To the right, a beautiful and bountiful "feast" is awaiting the lamb. Fresh fruits, flowers -- all of the lamb's favorites...prepared with utmost care, and clearly highly catered to the lamb. Every piece of the "feast" was healthy and good.

To the left, a gently sloping hill of of sand with those ripples you always see. Beyond the slope is out of view.

The lamb looks up with question's in her eyes to the kind shepherd. (Do you know where this is going yet?)

He gently nudges her to the left.

"Why?" she asks (yes, in my vision, the lamb could talk). "The feast over to the right has been carefully prepared by those who love me so much. It is healthy and bountiful and beautiful."

He again gently nudges her to the left. "Child, you can't see what's over that hill. But, I can. Do you trust me that it's even better?"

I called the folks at Seek that afternoon and said "I'm in!"

Over the past two years, I can tell you that there have been days/weeks where I felt like I was stuck in one of those ripples in the sand...but occasionally, I think I'm seeing a few glimpses of what's beyond that gentle slope. I've never looked back, and I'm amazed how God has been faithful to care and provide for us, how much I've grown, how much deeper my faith has become, and how much sheer joy and fun have come into my life in the past 2 years.

I do feel like He's showing me, step by step, a little more each day about what might be over that hill, and I'm so grateful to be along for the ride!

So, which direction are you heading? Are you taking the safe, easy route, or are you ready to follow Him, even if it means going the opposite way than what looks logical?

Excuses...

I've been making excuses lately...and I need to stop it. I'm annoying myself.

Every morning, my alarm goes off at 5:30am.

Most mornings, I do actually hear it, but quickly hit the snooze.

Then, I hit the snooze again 10 minutes later when the alarm goes off again.

Then, I hit the snooze again.

And again.

This goes on for quite some time -- most mornings, an hour or more...honestly, there are often 20-30 minute time periods in there that I really think I'm hitting the snooze in my sleep (not sleep walking or talking in my sleep, my habit is sleep-snoozing).

But, most mornings, sometime around 6am, I think I start to actually wake up a little...and I start making excuses for why I'm not getting out of bed to work out...here are a few of my standards...

• Nick is sleeping so soundly...if I get up, I'll wake him up. (I like this one, it makes me feel like a caring wife)
  
• I think my blood sugar is a bit too high to work out. (that sounds medically sound, right?)
  
• I think my blood sugar is a bit too low to work out.
• I have to be a work early today because I have a lot to do...I don't have time to work out today, but I really wanted to. Darn.
• I think I'm getting a headache.
• I'm tired.
• I'm warm and cozy and it's cold outside the bed.
• I deserve some sleep...I had a rough night and didn't fall asleep until very late.
• I'll be grumpy and sleepy all day if I get up this early and work out. (this is clearly the lamest and also the biggest lie I tell myself)
  
• I'll just sleep 10 more minutes, and then I'll get up. (this one is a classic...often repeated several times, and then followed by one of the above excuses)
  

What do they all have in common?

They are all pathetic (except the low blood sugar, but even then, I should at least get up and check it rather than assuming!). They are all convenient. They are all helping me keep this extra 15 lbs that I've been telling myself I'm "actively" trying to lose for the past 2 years...

So there.

I thought if I confessed, it might make me feel a bit more convicted to get my lazy butt out of bed tomorrow and work out...

Oh yeah, and I think I'll move the alarm clock a bit farther away from my bed and see if that helps, too!