Two truths and a lie

I'm not sure when exactly I started believing lies about myself, but I know it was a loooong time ago.

Generally speaking, I'm getting healthier. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. One of the goals I set for myself last year was to really "feel" my strength in those four areas. And, it seems that whenever I start to feel it, the same old lies come back at me and knock me down.

The big lie that I've bought into most of my life is the one that says "I'm not worthy." Not worthy of love. Not worthy of respect. Not worthy of being pursued. Not worthy of fighting for. Not worthy of acceptance. Not worthy of being trusted

Today, I bought into it again. I let myself believe that I'm not worthy of being trusted. I won't go into details, but suffice to say that, as I'm prone to do, I internalized and blamed myself for a situation today that really wasn't about me not being trustworthy...it was more about someone else not being willing to trust.

But, this is one of the key lies that has tortured me for much of my life.

When I was young, I wasn't to be trusted to be out late...it didn't matter how responsible I was, I was given a message that I was expected to do something irresponsible. In my marriage, I bought into believing that my recollection of certain events or conversations wasn't accurate --my word couldn't be trusted.

Unfortunately, I've allowed myself into many situations where this message was repeated. Until I started to identify it and work hard to replace it with truth a year or so ago, I didn't even trust myself.

So, that all kinda sucks.

But, here's the good part. (you know that icebreaker game, where you tell two truths and a lie and then people have to guess what the lie is...? well, I just told you the lie...now I'll tell you the truths that I'm working on seeing...thank you to my friends and my kids who show me these truths...)

The first truth is, I am worthy of being trusted. That's not to say that I never do dumb stuff and make mistakes. But, I know my heart. And, in many situations, my "gut" discernment about things often proves out to be right. So, I'm worthy of being trusted, by others and by myself.

Here's the second truth: I can't control whether other people will trust me. I can do things to earn trust. But, ultimately, even when I do those things, someone else has to make the decision to trust me.

That's how trust works.

Just like love and affection and forgiveness and so many other things in life.

They are like see-saws...and it takes two people, putting equal weight into it, to make it work well.

When it works well, it's beautiful and rewarding and nurtures relationships that produce growth, transformation and joy.

So, I'm going to trust that today's experience has been a growth-ful one for me...I'm going to have the courage to trust myself and continue to put myself "out there" to be trusted...because I want all that growth and transformation and joy so much more than I want the safety of never asking to be trusted.

Growth, Rest and Seasons...

It's been a nice, long break from blogging...

Actually, I'm lying...

It hasn't been a "nice" long break...

Rather, it's been a bit of a frustrating break.

I've been a bit "blocked" lately -- but not for lack of topics that I've wanted to write about. Quite the opposite, in fact...

Too many things I want to write about...

Today I realized I've got to start somewhere!

So, I'll share something interesting I learned about myself and about leadership today.

I'm at a conference in Sedona, Arizona (side note -- one of the MOST gorgeous places I've ever seen!). It's a conference focused on learning to lead differently.

Now, much of the content so far hasn't been that breakthrough for me, but having some time to reflect and think has been refreshing.

This afternoon, we were talking about our natural gifts. The facilitator of the session compared our gifts to "seeds" that need "soil" to grow. He asked us to consider "what soil do we need for our gifts to grow and thrive?" We each went outside for some quite time alone to consider this question.

I realize three things as I took in the beauty of the red rock area:

First, all throughout the hard, red rock walls, there were plants and vegetation growing -- flowers blooming and healthy leaves unfurling. And it struck me -- so often, we find ourselves in a place where we feel like we just "can't grow." But, is that really true? Can't we grow just about anywhere we are? As long as I desire to grow, and look for opportunities to grow, it doesn't matter whether I'm in a "rock" or soil...

Second, everywhere I looked, there were plants and animals -- little bugs flying all around, birds chirping, the plants and flowers I already mentioned. They are growing, being beautiful and giving back to the earth in their own, unique ways, and they aren't working hard to take on more responsibility or new challenges or to learn new skills (have you ever seen a bird try to learn to water ski?)...Now, there's nothing wrong with seeking out new skills, learning, knowledge, etc, but maybe sometimes I try too hard. Maybe if I just rested in my given talents and beauty, it would be "enough."

Finally, as I was reflecting on the plants and flowers again, I thought about the season -- it's late spring/early summer. For some of the plants, it's the season to flower and bloom. For others, it's a season of tremendous growth, but not for outward blooms. In several months, for most of these plants, it will be a season of outward dormancy, while the roots continue to grow and strengthen under the soil (or rock, in this case). I need to realize that seasons are healthy -- it's not always time to be blooming and "on"...with regularity, I need time for internal growth and nourishment without the pressure of production...

I consistently struggle with allowing myself to have "seasons"...the pressure to produce is strong...but, it's a choice, and I'm going to try to work on choosing to rest, reflect and pursue inward growth more often, knowing that what I "produce" will be healthier and more beautiful for the effort. I'm going to try to be content with my given strengths and talents, appreciate my own beauty, and grow wherever I am planted at the moment...

People, not projects

This week, I've been talking to various friends about what makes people intimidating. I've learned some really insightful things. After talking with one friend today, I was able to start articulating a few of them more clearly for myself. I'm starting to get a good idea of the things I need to work on...

Here are the newest insights...

• It's intimidating when someone turns every comment or occasion for small talk into a lengthy debate or discussion. Small talk is meant to be small, quick. I need to remember that I don't have to engage on every little topic. And, when I do, it makes me look like a know-it-all, which is intimidating...and annoying.
• Showing people that I fully expect and desire to learn something from them breaks down negative assumptions. This requires some balance -- i.e. if I want to be able to serve others, and not be intimidating in the process, I need to make sure that I'm open to being served -- to learning from them. People that I encounter are not projects...they're people.

Many of the folks that I've been intimidated by in the past have been people that I've looked up to...people who seemingly had achieved some success that felt attractive to me. What I've realized is that I'm not at all likely to "make the first move" and strike up a conversation with those folks (the whole "I'm not worthy" thing). So, if some folks feel that way about me, whether or not I think it's justified, I can break down the assumptions by reaching out first and "making the first move" to talk to someone, ask for their help or advice, or affirm them in some way.

So, more work to do...

What am I missing about what makes people intimidating or what makes someone approachable?