He won't relent...

I was on the west coast this week on a business trip. Since our flight didn't leave til late, Lane and I headed to the beach in San Diego to look around. As I walked along the coast, the waves lapped up on my toes and I did what you always see people do -- I ran to escape the cold water. At some point, I got used to the temperature, and started to welcome the feel of the waves on my feet.

I'm always struck by the breadth and persistence of the sea. It reminds me of how big the earth really is; and how mighty and powerful our God, who created it all, really is.

At VWS this weekend, we sang a song during worship with lyrics that remind us that God won't relent until he has all of us...and, as I was singing with my eyes closed, connecting to God and his spirit, I was back on the beach again....

The waves, I realized, are like him reaching for us...sometimes hard and fast and overpowering; sometimes gentle and easy. But never, ever relenting. Even when he has "some" of me, he still keeps reaching for me, washing over me, asking for me, refreshing me.

And, I realized just how much of my life I haven't yet turned over to him. And yet, even through all that stubbornness and imperfection, the waves never stop reaching for me...I need to not run away, let them wash over me.

Thanks, God, for such a humbling and awesome reminder of how persistent your love is...

20-some years ago...

Okay...so, at the risk of totally dating myself, I have been thinking quite a bit lately about something that happened to me in my Junior year of high school...20-some years ago...

I went to Milford High School (proud member of the class of '89 -- Go Eagles!).

Now, it's important to understand that, as a teenager, I was bit of a nerd -- somewhat intelligent, but under-confident, and not at all sure where I really "fit".

One day, in my Junior year, I walked through the door into an English class with Mr. Roy Ferguson. Mr. Ferguson was a wonderful, older teacher from the northeast who loved Ernest Hemingway and Herman Melville. He was confined to a wheelchair by MS, and he had a passion for teaching and counseling students that was inspiring. I enjoyed Mr. Ferguson's class, and did fairly well, but didn't think there was anything remarkable about that...nothing remarkable about my writing or my participation in the class discussions or my answers to Mr. Ferguson's questions...

But, Mr. Ferguson did notice something "remarkable" about me. One day after class, he asked me to stay behind.

"Ann," he said, "you are a leader. Do you have any experience with the school newspaper or yearbook?"

(He knew I didn't, since he was the advisor for both groups).

I shyly said "No. But, I think I might be interested in writing."

Mr. Ferguson smiled and said: "Actually, I would like you to be the Editor-in-Chief of the yearbook for your Senior year. You'll need to pull a team together and lead all of the design and production of the book. I know you can do it. I know you'll be great. You ARE a leader, Ann."

I was stunned. Affirmed. Excited. Scared. Nervous. No-one had EVER called me a leader. No-one had EVER asked me to do something so important. No-one had EVER trusted me to create a team, set a vision, complete something so big. It was a key moment in my development and understanding of how I'm wired. Throughout the next year, he gently encouraged, empowered and enabled me to lead my team and produce the yearbook. It was a tremendous amount of work, I made a LOT of mistakes and I learned several lessons on leadership that I still carry with me today.

Many years later, I wrote Mr. Ferguson a letter thanking him for calling out something in me that I didn't see. Something that sparked development and self-awareness in me. Something that has impacted my life immeasurably. A year later, Mr. Ferguson died. But, his impact remains through me and so many countless other students he developed.

Who was it for you? Take a minute and thank someone that has spoken truth into your life about the amazing way you are wired and gifted. Then, pay it forward and call something out that you see in someone else...you never know what kind of impact you could have!

Some more about the flocks...

Still making my way through Ezekiel. (as a side note, my thirst for scripture is crazy insatiable...this is new for me...and pretty darn awesome).

Anyway...last post I shared this conviction about leading the flocks well...In Chapter 36, God reminds Israel of her reward and his promise to her (and things start to get a little "nicer" relative to all the warnings!). There a LOT in there, but I'll pull out one of the two specific sections that really spoke to me...starts in v 25.

"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit in you (note -- I LOVE that part!) and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." He goes on to talk about how she will be fruitful and how he'll provide for her...he talks about resettling the towns and rebuilding ruins; cultivating what was dead and barren...and he closes with this "...So will the ruined cities be filled with flocks of people. Then they will know that I am the Lord."

We are in the middle of this kind of awakening/re-birth here on the Westside of Cincinnati.

So, God, if you've really designed me to be a leader, and there's a flock to lead and this fruitful, feeling, re-built place is where we're heading...Count Me In! I'm all yours...

Shepherds and sheep

Zeke is still kicking my butt...chapter 34 got me this morning.

Here's a snippet of Chapter 34: "Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? ...You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. ...So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals."

I was driving to my favorite "hiding place" where I sometimes go to get work done on mornings when I don't have too many meetings, and this small (sometimes annoyingly persistent) voice kept saying "Africa". It's been whispering the name of that distant continent for a few years now. It also consistently whispers "Price Hill"... And, it consistently whispers "religion". Why these three? One is a distant continent, one is a close, but unfamiliar neighborhood, and one is an all-too familiar place I "lived" for many years. Pathetically, I keep (mostly) ignoring these specific words from the "voice"...mostly out of a long list of fears that I won't get into today, and, perhaps a busy-ness of tending to other whispers from that same voice (or maybe I'm a little clinically insane) that seem to be giving me other really important things to do.

However, a few of those fears are starting to evaporate...quickly...then, Zeke comes along and convicts me again, just as it has been since I started reading a week or two ago.

So anyway...I'm a pretty logical gal...If I am called to be a shepherd (isn't that just another word for leader?); and God is whispering to me about a field of sheep; then...(yes, I know the answer, friends...) And, the promise later in the book seems to provide some insight into the bigger picture...God appoints David to replace the lazy shepherds so that "(the people) will know that I am the Lord, when I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands of those that enslave them." That sounds like some pretty awesome freedom to me! ;-)

Once again...CRAP! God, tell me which flock to go tend and when...isn't the flock I'm trying to shepherd here and now important...I'm sure there's a connection here...order my steps...here I am...send me...

What is God whispering to you? Is there a flock of sheep somewhere that you are supposed to shepherd? Let's pray for each other!

Be careful what you pray for...

A few years ago, I began praying a pretty dangerous prayer. I knew it was dangerous, but I had finally reached a point, spurred on by my life group, where I knew I needed to pray it. The prayer went something like this... "God, break me of my pride. Knock me off my high horse and put me in my place. Don't let me ever think that I am responsible for anything that YOU accomplish through me. Humble me."

Have you ever prayed that one? Just a little hint, that's the kind of prayer He really likes to answer!

So, I'm still digging through Ezekiel. And I've realized something...much of what Ezekiel is sent to tell Israel is that they are too dang prideful. He's giving them all sorts of warnings and prophecies about the dangers of their self-righteousness and pride. He pretty much says He's going to destroy them if they don't knock it off and give credit where credit is due.

And, I'm realizing how very "knocked off my high horse" I really am these days. Thanks for answering that prayer, Dad.

It feels a little rotten, but in some ways, it feels so good. I think there's a balance I need to get to, though...I've almost let the pendulum swing too far.

Accepting thanks, praise, affirming words is difficult for me for some reason, even though it's totally my #1 love language! I feel a little self-centered to need that kind of affirmation...maybe I'm worried that if I accept it, it will quickly lead to pride once again.

I think, though, that God would be glorified if I was confident in my gifts and calling (subtly different than pride, certainly), in gratitude for the giver of all good gifts...so, I'll take these messages from Zeke and this weird "am I a leader" questioning and count them as gifts on my journey to becoming the leader that He's really calling me to be...

Really a leader?

My latest crisis of conscious is around whether I'm really a leader?

It's been crystal clear to me over the past week or so, that most of what I do is not "center-stage" leadership...I tend to do my best work in service of another leader...someone who has great vision, but needs help making it happen. Someone who can point to where the ship should go, but needs someone to actually steer it.

Or, maybe those are just the opportunities that have been placed before me, and God is training me up to be some other kind of leader...sometimes I feel like I have vision. When I do, it's pretty audacious stuff...why is it that the visions I get are never the ones I put strategy behind? Is it because I'm better suited, talented, gifted to support, or am I afraid?

Crap. This has kept me from good sleep for 3 nights straight now...

If someone else brought these thoughts to me, I'd tell them to get over themselves, eat a piece of humble pie, and do the work God is putting in front of them. Who cares what it's called or what credit you get or whether ANYONE other than you knows what you're doing -- God knows at the end of any given day whether I've glorified Him, right? If I'm being a servant leader, and equipping those around me (the leaders I serve under as well as folks that look "up" to me for guidance), then I'm doing what I'm called to do, and that IS leadership, right?

My brain is on overload tonight. God, give me wisdom and discernment to tell which of these messages in my head are from you and which are NOT from you, but rather messages that are trying to knock me off track. Is this You, sending me a message on humility, or is this the enemy sending me a message about a lack of value or need for power/authority? Maybe both are going on at the same time...the tension is thick and the balance is hard to find.