Over the past several weeks (or maybe it's been even longer than that), though, I forgot that this was the year of awakening...
And, I think I kinda fell asleep.
After I injured my hip running about 6 weeks ago, I started to shrink back into old patterns...and maybe some new patterns that weren't all that healthy. I was becoming selfish, feeling sorry for myself a lot, and found anger and un-forgiveness making their way back into my thoughts. I could feel it happening, but momentum works in both positive and negative directions, and I didn't put up much of a fight.
I hadn't stopped praying, but even my prayers had become selfish ones. All about me...make me better. Make me whole. Give me strength. Gimme this...gimme that.
In the quiet moments, I could hear God whispering me back, and then one night about two weeks ago, while I was looking for some inspiration to "pick me up," This verse came up on my computer screen:
"But everything exposed by the light becomes visible -- and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: 'Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.'"
Ephesians 5:13-14
Honestly, I looked at it and read it probably 5 times and I knew that I was supposed to be really hearing it, and I felt a little spark in my heart, but it seemed to be a lone ember...
That Sunday, I went to church. You'll never guess what verse Tim was teaching from...yep; that one.
I looked over at Ali and said "Ok...Clearly, He's trying to tell me something here, I'd better pay attention..."
And, He spoke. Loudly. Here's what He said (yea, it's a lot, but many of these are repeat messages that He keeps telling me over and over again since I'm stubborn don't retain them well...):
- Wake Up, Child. See this video for reference...(not the greatest video, but a great song). You've been asleep too long. You said this was the year to Wake Up, so DO IT.
- You are shrinking back from the light for all the wrong reasons. Why are you letting someone else's' words define who you are. Stop hiding from people because you think that they might have been told something that's not true about you. Show them who you are. That's your job...not anyone else's.
- Your apathy is disobedient and selfish. You're sitting on your gifts. Start using the gifts I gave you again...you are happiest when you are using them.
- I will restore your ability to trust and to receive, if you let me.
- You are worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for. Just because some lame, imperfect humans haven't fought for you, I did, and I still am, and I always will. Stop believing that no-one has or will fight for you...I'm right in front of you.
- Are you ready? Because change is coming. Refresh is coming. Once you open your eyes, you're going to see it coming. Trust and Receive.
I'm not going to get into too many details about what happened in the days that followed, but I will tell you this: I am awake now. Wide awake. And I feel so blessed. So 180-degrees from where I was. The tears I was crying from pain and anguish have been replaced by genuine tears of gratitude and wonder.
Later that Sunday, as I was walking out of church, a friend said to me "Ann, it's getting better."
It IS getting better. I can look back a year ago and say that it is so so much better. I am stronger. I am more whole. I am more and more and more and more "me" every day on this journey...and I'm less and less and less afraid.
So, my mantra and prayer right now is "Trust and Receive." I'm ready for the year of awakening to begin, so watch out world...because I'm awake even before I hit starbucks every morning...and, as the song says, I'm gonna make history.
Photo from flickr creative commons photo stream: Sean MacEntee
