When she started to fall off the couch (remember, no balance), I put my arm out to catch her, she got scared, and grabbed onto my hand. With her mouth. With her dirty, nasty, 20-year-old cat teeth. Right through the bottom of my palm just above my wrist and under my pinky finger. I screeched and yelped in pain, but managed to shake her off, and rinsed the tooth sized hole in my hand out with soap and water and headed home.
The next morning, I woke up feeling about as sick as I had ever felt in my life. I couldn't walk. Brigid wasn't home, so I literally rolled out of bed and onto the floor to call my Mom. (I was in my 20s, so I had come to realize that Mom's know everything). I had a few other symptoms that might make a mama worry about blood poisoning...so she quickly came to pick me up and we headed to the hospital.
In the ER, they swiftly strapped down my right arm to get an IV in me, while they proceeded use a toolbox full of shiny little picks and scissor looking knives to shovel out the poison in my left hand from where Snickers had bit me. I had never felt so vulnerable -- and I had never felt so much acute pain. (Since then I've had 3 babies, so I trumped that pain and vulnerability a few times over, but at the time, it was pretty darn painful).
They must've dug around in my hand for 30 minutes. And, after they finished, and bandaged it up and admitted me to make sure I had enough antibiotics to ward off anything, it still hurt. Bad.
Little by little, the pain subsided. After a few days, I was released and allowed to go home.
For a few weeks, I nursed the wound until it healed over completely.
Now, there's a tiny scar, but it's fully healed.
I remembered this story this week. And, I've been remembering other stories of physical healing -- breaking my ankle, and the intensity of the pain when the Dr had to set it before casting it. The intense pain of contractions and pushing out each of my three children.
I remembered these stories because I think this past month I've been experiencing the same intensity of pain, but emotionally.
See, for the past two years, I thought I'd been healing. Healing from lots of years of damage and pain. But, I think those two years have been kinda like when I went home and just went to bed after Snickers bit me 20 years ago...
Several weeks ago, in my prayer conversations with God, I sensed that I was ready for some healing. Ready to "receive" something from Him. I had been on a journey for several months of purifying my heart; learning to expect God to show up (rather than just hoping maybe He would), and I had heard Him say that the next step was to "receive."
Little did I realize, He still had some work to do. Just like the Dr in the ER had to clean the gunk out of my hand, or set my broken ankle, God needed to set my heart in the right place. And, He's been doing that the past few weeks. It's come in the form of acknowledging some "lies" that I really needed to let go of if I was ever going to really heal. And it's been really painful, but I've revealed four lies that I'm walking away from -- cleaning them out, because they are poison to me, and I can't heal if they're still around.
Lie #1: I'm not beautiful. I'm cute and smart. But, I'm not beautiful.
I can't explain exactly how He has finally gotten through to me on this one, but I just don't believe it anymore. I am beautiful. I am beautiful when I'm smiling and joyful and living out my gifts -- doing what I love to do. And my Father God thinks I'm beautiful. That is all I need to know.
Lie #2: Nothing good ever lasts.
I think through lots of bible reading, and taking deliberate inventory of things in my life that are good, and that have lasted, I've just realized that it's not at all true to make such a blanket statement. So, I'm dropping this one, too. God wants good things for me. Things that last. Relationships that last. Gifts that keep getting better and bringing me more and more joy (like teaching, which I'm realizing I need to step back into).
Lie #3: I have a lot of sin and "debt" to pay off before God's going to send me any blessings.
How can I deny the friendships I've found over the past two years as anything other than blessings? This has been right in front of my face, but honestly, I've spent too much time over the past few years thinking about all the things I don't have rather than seeing all of the gifts and blessings that are right in front me. They are innumerable. And, I'm grateful beyond measure.
Lie #4 I'm not worthy of love, other than "obligatory love" (God and my mama).
I've been projecting a bit to debunk this one. When I look at my kids, it's so so easy to see and believe and fight for them to feel and be loved. And, to see so clearly and easily why they are worthy of love from me and from God and from anyone else that would care to get to know them. Duh, I'm God's kid...so, it's true for me to. Of course I'm worth it.
Whew...this entry is already long enough, but let me end by saying that healing involves pain. Identifying the lies and cutting them out hurts. The coward in me knew that. And, she's been afraid.
But, the recovering coward is letting the tears of that pain just wash me clean and new.
God, keep me focused on the path you have me on...keep making me new and whole.
