So, I started doing some digging into what makes people intimidating. The web is an amazing resource...you can actually learn HOW to be intimidating -- in fact, there is a lot more out there about how to intimidate people than there is about how to NOT be intimidating. Some of it is pretty scary actually. But in an effort to learn, I thought I'd explore how one might become intimidating -- maybe it will help me realize what I'm doing that makes people feel intimidated...
Here's what I learned...
First of all, to be intimidating, you must
1. Focus on yourself.
2. Have un-shakeable confidence, or "fake it."
3. Intentionally make the other person feel inferior.
4. Insult the other person -- directly or subtly.
It stands to reason, then, that to be "softer," maybe I should focus on the opposite of these things...
1. Focus on the other person.
2. Admit my own vulnerabilities.
3. Intentionally position myself to serve rather than be served.
4. Affirm and build others up.
Oddly, I think of myself as being somewhat self-aware...but as I examine these opposites and think about how I interact with others, I've got a lot of work to do!
I really do focus too much on myself;
I'm still learning about how to admit and share my vulnerabilities and fears;
I'm not sure that I consistently position myself to serve (nor that when I do, my motives are always pure);
and I'm don't always remember the importance of affirming others...
I'm on a quest to really examine this definition of intimidation, get some feedback from people I trust, and who I know will be honest with me and look hard in the mirror.
Thankfully, God loves me just the way I am and I know He'll help me take one step at a time to grow into a softer, more approachable person...
5 comments:
Ann,
I think you are awesome for trying to figure this out about yourself. Although those things you found out about intimidation may be true, I still believe the other persons' self confidence plays a role. You can't be intimidated unless you let someone intimidate you. Keep up the good work, you'll figure it out.
Ann,
With the exception of what I read in your blog and our interactions at church, I honestly don't know all that much about you. Having said that, I would peg you for #2 in the list but not the others. In excavation, you seemed very confident of yourself and the materials you were presenting. You also admitted some of your weaknesses in front of the whole group.
As to the other 3, it's hard to know from the outside the internal motivations of another person. Do you focus on yourself too much? I really don't know. Have I ever felt insulted by you or be made to feel inferior by you? No (of course, Kelly would tell you that I tend to be rather oblivious to these sorts of things).
As Kelly said, its great that you are evaluating yourself and trying to make improvements. It's something that we all need to do on a regular basis.
I was thinking of leaving a comment here, but I was scared.
I hate it when I have a comment all thought out and then I read the already-posted comments and someone (RYAN) took my thoughts.
Dang it.
Stop worrying about it.
If they are intimidated by you, it is their problem.
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