Two truths and a lie

I'm not sure when exactly I started believing lies about myself, but I know it was a loooong time ago.

Generally speaking, I'm getting healthier. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. One of the goals I set for myself last year was to really "feel" my strength in those four areas. And, it seems that whenever I start to feel it, the same old lies come back at me and knock me down.

The big lie that I've bought into most of my life is the one that says "I'm not worthy." Not worthy of love. Not worthy of respect. Not worthy of being pursued. Not worthy of fighting for. Not worthy of acceptance. Not worthy of being trusted

Today, I bought into it again. I let myself believe that I'm not worthy of being trusted. I won't go into details, but suffice to say that, as I'm prone to do, I internalized and blamed myself for a situation today that really wasn't about me not being trustworthy...it was more about someone else not being willing to trust.

But, this is one of the key lies that has tortured me for much of my life.

When I was young, I wasn't to be trusted to be out late...it didn't matter how responsible I was, I was given a message that I was expected to do something irresponsible. In my marriage, I bought into believing that my recollection of certain events or conversations wasn't accurate --my word couldn't be trusted.

Unfortunately, I've allowed myself into many situations where this message was repeated. Until I started to identify it and work hard to replace it with truth a year or so ago, I didn't even trust myself.

So, that all kinda sucks.

But, here's the good part. (you know that icebreaker game, where you tell two truths and a lie and then people have to guess what the lie is...? well, I just told you the lie...now I'll tell you the truths that I'm working on seeing...thank you to my friends and my kids who show me these truths...)

The first truth is, I am worthy of being trusted. That's not to say that I never do dumb stuff and make mistakes. But, I know my heart. And, in many situations, my "gut" discernment about things often proves out to be right. So, I'm worthy of being trusted, by others and by myself.

Here's the second truth: I can't control whether other people will trust me. I can do things to earn trust. But, ultimately, even when I do those things, someone else has to make the decision to trust me.

That's how trust works.

Just like love and affection and forgiveness and so many other things in life.

They are like see-saws...and it takes two people, putting equal weight into it, to make it work well.

When it works well, it's beautiful and rewarding and nurtures relationships that produce growth, transformation and joy.

So, I'm going to trust that today's experience has been a growth-ful one for me...I'm going to have the courage to trust myself and continue to put myself "out there" to be trusted...because I want all that growth and transformation and joy so much more than I want the safety of never asking to be trusted.

Flame

Today was a rough day.

Difficult. Frustrating. Sad. Exhausting.

So, tonight as I was sitting around moping and wondering how I could've gone from being pretty fired up a a few days ago to feeling so glum. I realized that I hadn't picked up my Bible at all yesterday or today.

I have been reading through Paul's letters to the various churches (i.e. groups of believers). I have found them to be so relevant to the struggles and challenges and opportunities we have today. So, I read 1 Thessalonians tonight. Lots of things stood out to me, but the line I kept reading over and over and over was this one:

"Do not put out the Spirit's fire." 1 Thes 5:19

What does that line mean to you? As I prayed about it, the fire that came to mind is the one that He has uniquely given to me. Ann Eileen Lauer Calcara. Me.

I'm pretty unique. You are too, but this is my blog, so bear with me for a minute here...

Today, and for the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling particularly un-empathetic. Empathy is not really my thing. I like people. I have feelings. But, feeling FOR other people...that's not me. This has made me feel less-than-effective as we have been dealing with lots of really difficult, painful stuff -- lots of people are hurting really badly. And, I've struggled because I don't always (ever?) feel their pain. And, maybe, this limits and disables me from contributing in a meaningful way during this difficult time. Or, maybe not...

I could choose to let this lack of empathy consume me...but, that would be putting out the Spirit's fire...

Instead, what if I choose to stoke the flame that is mine...and focus on what I can do and can do well, trusting that what I have is needed, and what I have to give is enough? I'm surrounded by folks who are empathetic...and my responsibility is just to use what I've got, right?

The Spirit's fire in me burns brightly when I'm using the gifts I've been given...the talents I have...and not trying to be someone that I'm not. Want to know what kind of flame burns in me?

I am a MAXIMIZER. I focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. I seek to transform something strong into something superb.

I am STRATEGIC. I create alternate ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, I can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.

I am strong in understanding and leveraging INDIVIDUALIZATION. I am intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. I have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.

I am guided by BELIEF. I have certain core values that are unchanging. Out of these values emerges a defined purpose for my life.

I am RESPONSIBLE. I take psychological ownership of what I say I will do. I am committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.

How do I know this about myself? Gallup Strengthsfinder. Amazingly accurate. These are the descriptions they give. I could elaborate on how each of these play out in my life, but that might get boring...

I hope you know the flame God has set ablaze in you. Don't put it out by believing that who you are NOT is more defining than who you ARE.

Complacency or Futility

Yesterday in our VWS leadership team meeting, we were praying a bit together. I LOVE praying with that team! I often get powerful images and words and I'm trying to learn what to do with them.

We were reflecting, before we went into prayer, about the amount of "bad stuff" going on across our body. We're in a teaching series on 'fighting' that is all about recognizing when we're being led astray by temptations, bad habits, influences, thoughts, etc that can be attributed to this concept of "spiritual warfare" that I've blogged about before. And, it seems as we raise our voices about these things, they come at us even harder and stronger.

While we were praying, though, I kept hearing this phrase "a spirit of futility." As I leaned into that and prayed for some more understanding, even as I knew that a spirit of futility in our team and across our body is something that I needed to push back and pray against, I think God helped me to understand something.

Last fall, a group of us went to the Catalyst conference in Atlanta. It rocked us in so many ways! Primarily, it shook us out of a spirit of complacency. Complacency is when we really don't care to challenge the status quo...we just live day to day and "settle" with where things are/how things are. At the conference, we realized that we had been lulled into complacency because things had been going fairly well, and so we settled in. Honestly, we had worked really, really hard, and we needed a rest...but, we rested too long and too deeply. Anyway, we "woke up" at that conference and got back in the game -- working to join God in the stuff he's doing here on the Westside of Cincinnati.

Recently, the amount of "bad stuff" going on has been increasing...maybe we're just more aware of it, or maybe there really is a lot more of it going on -- maybe both. But, there's a lot of it. Marriages at stake. Dreams at stake. Futures at stake. Lives at stake and being ravaged by temptations, addictions, bad thought patterns that lead people down paths that they know they shouldn't go down, but they do anyway...It's easy to get frustrated. The work we're doing is hard work. A spirit of futility could take us over, if we're not vigilant against it.

Futility is when we just give up. We decide it's just not worth it to keep fighting for change and abundance and life. And, it's just as bad, if not worse, than complacency.

Both futility and complacency are big threats to the work that God is doing. When things are going well, complacency seems to be more likely to drag us down, and when things are tough, futility could be the happy recipient of our tattered spirits...

So, I'm praying against both complacency and futility and instead for steadfast strength for the body and leadership of VWS and every other group of people working to shine God's light in dark places.

If you're feeling the weight of complacency or futility, take a few minutes to let this word sink into your heart...plug in your earphones, close your eyes, and let it soak in...