How I'm Getting Over the Fear of Asking for Help

Asking for help has never been a strength of mine.

Somehow, along the way to "growing up" I bought into the "Ideal" that we were supposed to be independent. Fiercely so. That, being able to handle it all, on my own, was the mark of being successful and admirable and happy, and that I "should" aspire to be successful and admirable and happy.

My mom tells me that when I was young, my favorite phrase was "All by myself!" I wanted to do things on my own. I was in a big hurry to grow up so that I didn't need to depend on anyone else to take care of me.

Now, I've done a lot of soul searching over the past few years. And I know there's lots of depth behind why I developed such a need to do it all "myself." But, I've been working hard lately to shift that mindset.

And, here are two things I've learned that have really impacted how I think about asking for and receiving help.

First, I realized that, especially in America, the land where freedom is equated with independence, I'm not alone in having this deep seated need to take care of everyone on my own, and not ask for help. That realization was helpful and healthy, but not as breakthrough as the second thing I began reflecting on...

Helping others feels good. 

It's that simple. I realized that, for me, and for many (most?) people I know, helping feels really good.

And, to everyone else, I'm someone they could help. If only I'll ask, and take the help that's being offered.

So, I've been practicing.

• Asking mom and friends for help with the logistics of getting 3 kids where they need to be while working full time.
• Asking friends to listen when I need to talk.
• Letting someone else pay for my meal.
• Letting someone make me dinner.

And, the big one I'm learning on is this upcoming trip to Africa. I'm asking for financial and prayer support. And, receiving support...which feels a little weird.

I was talking with a friend the other night that does fundraising for a living. And he said the key insight into why people give is so that they can feel like they are making meaningful contribution to a cause they believe in. Even if they can't volunteer their time or energy, they can support financially.

At this point, I'm not in a position to support many causes with funding, but I can support with my time and energy. So, it all works together! This is my time to help the people of Soweto with my energy and time, and let others support with funds. And, that feels good for everyone.

So, would you like to support me for my trip to Africa this coming spring? If so, I will gratefully receive, and I hope that you will realize that your support is a meaningful contribution...and maybe next time, I'll be able to support the cause you're giving time and energy to.

Click here to support my trip!

(Photo from  Nagarjun Flickr Creative Commons)

He's been setting me up for this...

About six years ago, I was at a conference in Atlanta and a group of young men and women from Africa came on stage. As they sang and danced for God, I was seriously wrecked. I couldn't explain it, to be honest. But, as they finished, I heard a not-so-quiet prompting from God about going to Africa.

Preposterous, I thought. I had three young kids, a busy full time job that had me traveling with some regularity and a constant feeling that I was failing, miserably, at everything...to leave my kids and husband at home so I could go chasing God's prompting to Africa just didn't feel at all possible. But, I put it on my prayer list and asked God to open the door when He was ready.

Fast forward to several weeks ago. I've been going to Crossroads Church in Oakley for a few months now, and they recently announced that, after a few years hiatus, they were taking a group to South Africa on a mission trip in 2014. My heart pounded and raced. I panicked. I laughed. I cried. And, I signed up.

So, in a few months, I'm heading to South Africa for 10 days. I don't know yet what I'll be doing exactly, but will be working at Grace Bible Church in Soweto, South Africa.

Today as I sat in our kickoff meeting for the trip, I realized that six years ago, even one year ago probably, I hadn't yet learned to ask for help. Now I know I need to ask for help. I need help from my friends and family in order to step into this adventure.

I don't know what God has to show me and what He will prompt me to do when I get back, but I do know that I want whatever that is...

So, starting now, I'm asking for help. In exchange, I'm going to work on sharing more about my journey to this point...I haven't blogged since the beginning of the year...and I want to get back to it.

Will you consider supporting me? I need prayer support to keep my fears at bay, and financial support since I'm in no position to pay for this trip! (my how things change in a few years, huh?)

If you'd like to make a contribution to my trip, please click Ann Lauer's Africa Trip Donations.

In the meantime, watch this spot...I'll be back to share more about what's been going on in the past year as He's been setting me up to conquer a big cluster of fears that surround this trip!

The year of exponential

For the past few years, in lieu of making "resolutions," I've been setting a theme for the year. Interestingly, each year, as I try to listen for what God would have me focus on for the coming year, I get a pretty clear word, and, in my Type-A, (trying-to-recover-from-being-a) control freak way, I determine what the year will bring.

By this year, though, I think I've learned the lesson...each time I've defined and pre-determined what the theme of the year would really mean, I've been off.  Usually, my definition is too small...

2010 was the year of softening.  I had decided that I was too intimidating.  I needed to be more approachable, empathetic.  This would be the year that I became friendlier, kinder, gentler.  And, I did all those things.  But, 2010 brought an unexpected softening of my own, very hardened heart.  2010 was the year I began to feel again.  I began to feel the pain that I had calloused myself to for many years. And I began to sense that there was joy to be felt, too...and that led to 2011.

2011 was the year of courage.  Courage to walk away from the life I had known.  To step out in faith and make a different life for myself and my kids. To break a cycle that seemed like it might be impossible to break, but needed to, before it broke me...2011 was the year I wrestled through separation and divorce, leaving behind my home and money and job and all the things that I had come to think of as security.  Unexpected was the ushering in of trust -- which I know now is hand-in-hand connected to courage...Unprecedented trust led to 2012.

2012 was the year of awakening. I was going to wake up to my life -- be more present, have more fun, be more aware of making memories, run with strength and purpose.  I didn't and couldn't have anticipated how many areas of my life needed to awaken...beauty, wholeness, self.  I am awake and alive.  I'm not sure yet that I can even fully articulate what happened last year, but I feel like I've woken up to the woman that I was created to be, and fully embracing my own "awesomeness." (That's not bragging...its really that I woke up from incorrectly thinking that I was doing the right thing with all my negative self talk and doubts).  And, it's led to 2013.

The year of exponential. Now, admittedly, my first thought when I started hearing that word was that was really good news for my business!  Exponential growth for the business.  That was my original prediction about what this year will bring. And, that's when I realized that for the past few years, my prediction was way too small.

Exponential, n. any positive constant raised to a power (dictionary.com)

Yes, the business will grow exponentially...it's a positive, and I'm raising it to a power.  Along with every other positive on a very long list of positives in my life right now -- the resilience and joy and growth of my kids; depth of relationships; my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual strength; gratitude and provision that displaces fear; radiance from the inside out; there are so so many!

What the heck does God have planned for me this year!?  I know His plans are good and that I will prosper (Jeremiah 29:11) And, I plan to raise every positive constant in my life to Him.  And, I'm predicting that the results will be unexpected, unprecedented and exponential.

Bring. It. On. 2013. I'm ready for exponential-whatever-it-is.