Dear blog

I miss you.

I'm sorry I haven't written.

I am a little bit tired and my hair is messy from wearing too many hats.

I am a little bit road-weary.

I've been reading Acts.

Acts 3:19: Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord

I feel a bit empty, but maybe that's because there is new hope and new desire and new passion on its way...

I have a plan to get refreshed next week...filled back up...inspired...as I pray in anticipation, I am ever more ready to receive...

A look in the mirror part 2: Pursuit

So, I've been a little gun-shy since my last post got so much interesting action on Facebook (you'd never know if you only read this online!)...but this second installment of "Looking in the Mirror" has been on my heart since just after I wrote the last one; a few things have solidified since then, so it's a good time to share.

As I continue to look in the mirror and ask God to reveal things to me that I need to work on, I keep hearing the word "pursuit." While that may seem a bit "generic," as I've prayed about it, it's actually been fairly painful.

Here's what the mirror is revealing about pursuit...

I want to be pursued. Maybe I need to be pursued -- I'm not sure on that yet, since I'm still working through this...

On the surface, that doesn't seem so bad, right?

But, I'm realizing there are things I do in life just so that I will feel wanted, needed, desired, appreciated, respected by other people.

I read a book a few years ago called "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul," The book asserts that all women yearn for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil their own beauty. I picked it up again this week to re-read it, and I was struck by how much more deeply it's "talking to me" this time around.

I've been realizing, and I need to confess, that I've been lured by worldly definitions into being embarrassed about my desire to be pursued -- to be romanced. If I want to be romanced, surely I'm a weak woman, according to the world. I have believed this for too long. I want to be romanced.

Perhaps it's just they way God has made me as a woman.

And, I've worked too hard and tried to be too perfect, smart and accomplished. This pursuit of accomplishment and worldly success and recognition have been my most oft used tools to try to win this elusive romance. I've tried others -- flirting, dieting and exercising to try to achieve some perfect look. But, consistently, the hole is still there in my heart -- that nagging sense that I will never be "enough" to be worthy of being pursued.

All this time, I've been pushing back my very nature, my femininity, in a confused attempt to fulfill what might just be a uniquely feminine desire that only God can fill. How messed up is that!?

Here's a passage from the book that really spoke some truth to my heart:

A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that He finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in Him, she is enough. In fact, the only thing getting in the way of our being fully captivating and enjoyed is our striving.

So, my look in the mirror once showed me my flaws, but when I look again, I'm working on seeing myself as the beautiful, desirable, worthy woman that He sees.

Again, from "Captivating:"

Even though I've "succeeded" in many areas, I've always been ashamed of the absence of my femininity as defined by the world. Asking God what He thought of me as a woman was beyond agonizing. I wrestled with Him right to the end. I knew in my mind He wouldn't be mean, but I was convinced I had failed him miserably in this department...When I finally allowed myself to hear God speak a new name, it was Grace. And the lie of "too much boy and not enough girl" gets shattered in a moment. He crowns me with Grace. He crowns me with love. And I'm satisfied.

I always pray on my way to work. This morning while I was driving to work and praying, I saw the most beautiful sunrise I've seen in some time...actually, the sun was already fairly high in the sky. When I first looked up, it was barely lit and perfectly round, but as I drove, it shone brighter and brighter until I had to fish through my purse for my sunglasses. It felt like God was showing me how brightly and intensely His love burns for me...what a beautiful illustration and evidence of His love for me!

I think I'm going to stop apologizing for my desire to be desirable, and work on reflecting on the evidence that God is pursuing me intently and finds me irreplaceable and worthy.

God, help me to feel how intensely you are pursuing me, how deep and passionate your love is for me, and how worthy I really am of your love.

Looking in the mirror -- Part 1

We just started a new series at VWS called "A look in the mirror." Its about taking an honest look at ourselves and seeing whatever God wants to reveal, convict, affirm in each of us.

One area I've been looking at for myself lately is around my "need" for "stuff." Tonight, as I was praying and asking God to reveal things to me that get in the way of doing His work, He reminded me of this area. Then, as I was reading through some scripture (I'm just going through the New Testament, and I've just started in 1 John), I read:

" The world and all its desires pass away, but the person who does the will of God lives forever." 1John 2:17

God and I have been working on this one for awhile now...

About 2.5 years ago (wow, can't believe it's been that long already), I left P&G. About a year before that, we bought a house on the Westside of Cincinnati and moved our family over here to help start VWS.

It is a gorgeous house.

It is a big house.

It has lots of bells and whistles. (well, not literally, but it has lots of little and big extras).

When we bought it, it was definitely a "God thing" -- pieces falling into place in weird ways...I won't go into details, but I do believe that we are in the house that God wanted us to buy at the time.

But, over the past two years or so, we've begun to feel like maybe we shouldn't be in this house.

Maybe it's too big. Too gorgeous. Too much.

We don't make nearly as much money as we did when I was at P&G. And, honestly, we shouldn't be spending nearly so much on a mortgage payment as we are right now.

Truth is, we've got a LOT of nice stuff.

Harder truth is, as we've acquired all of this nice stuff, our lives have become more and more complicated and less and less focused on what really matters.

To be brutally clear, MY life has been less and less focused.

So, for the past two years, I've been quietly praying into this feeling. Half-asking God to will me and Nick to do what He wants us to with His money and with our family. Nick has been praying this too, only we didn't admit it to each other!

Slowly, ever so slowly, the reasons we had for staying in the house began to seem so illogical.

- The hassle of moving again
- Where would we put all of our furniture and "stuff"
- I like my double ovens
- We like our 3-car garage
- We need a kitchen island the size of our first apartment

And now, we're at a place where God has so willed us to want to get out of this house that we can hardly wait to get it sold.

And then, comes the harder part...He's willed us to let go of the house, and now we have to wait on His timing.

But, even through all of this, if I REALLY look in the mirror on this one, here's the hardest thing for me to admit...

I'm embarrassed that I live in such opulence.

I don't want people to know.

If they see the house, I explain how we got such a great deal on it and that we never would have bought it if it wouldn't have been a foreclosure, and that we never would have built something with so much "stuff" in it.

I am forcing myself to write this down...it hurts...

I don't want to tell you that I live in a house that is worth about $700K and currently on the market for a cool $599K.

I think you'll judge me. You'll say I'm 'rich' and therefore must not be after God's heart. You'll say that I value "stuff" more than God or my family. That I pursue work that keeps me away from home too many nights on business trips just to pay a mortgage, and that if I had my priorities straight, I'd make different choices.

And, you'd be right...at least in part.

I am rich. I do value stuff -- way more than I should.

But, where you'd be wrong is that I am chasing hard after God's heart for me, for my life. Standing next to Nick and fighting against everything that is getting in our way of doing what God wants us to do with what He has blessed us with.

So, the house is on the market.

We are ready to let go.

Three months it's been on the market. No one has even looked at it. Tomorrow, someone is coming to look.

Father God, help us to be patient and wait on your timing, and honor our desire to chase after you more than we chase after stuff. Thank you for willing us to want to steward your money differently. We will wait on You and Your will in humility and anticipation...and really hope that the buyer is coming tomorrow!!!