Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a girl who woke up and realized that it was time to stop living as if she wasn't worth much.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who mustered up her courage and set out on a journey to re-invent her life and break the cycle of unworthiness.

She got fired from a job she didn't really love anyway.  She started using her gifts and talents and passions to do what she loves to do and let the provision that work become quite enough.  She walked away from relationships that were feeding her negativity.  She left behind the big house, big paychecks, and lots and lots and lots of "stuff."

She started each day asking God to show her opportunities to use her gifts, to expand her ability to impact others in a positive way, to sustain her and provide for her and her kids.

She went to bed each night thanking God for showing her a little bit more of His plan each day, for the incredible gifts and talents and passions that had been given to her and her kids, for friends that spoke of her worth and her beauty, and for His unending provision, mercy and grace.

And somehow, over the course of two years of fighting through fear and doubt, she began to really see and know her own uniqueness, beauty, glory, worth.

How deeply she is loved.

How far she had come.

How many patterns and habits and chains had been broken.

How everything that had happened would shape and inspire the days ahead.

How, all the moments she got tired and felt defeated, He was right there beside her; fighting for her; interceding for her; knowing her even more than she knew herself and making all the seemingly right and wrong details come together for good.

How He delivered on every single promise.

And she knew that His plan was just right for her, and that all it took was the courage to stop trying to write her own story, and let just Him be the author of her "once upon a time."

(photo from flickr creative commons:  timo_w2s)

Waiting on a warrior

If there is one, over-arching thing I've been learning this year, it's this:

The jealous lover of my soul has nothing less in mind for me than a warrior of integrity and courage, that makes me want to be more courageous and have more integrity. 

One who loves Jesus, and loves that I love Jesus.  

One who knows how I take my coffee.  

One who learns how I like to be kissed.  

One who can’t wait to hear the details of my day and share the details of his.  

One who never tires of learning me, and letting me learn him.  

One who "gets" how simultaneously messed up and gloriously made I am.  

One who celebrates my gifts, talents and passions as much as he celebrates and embraces his own.

I am worth it. 

And, as I talked through this a bit with a good friend tonight, I realized just how far I've come in the past year.

And, that God has faithfully used the struggle and pain of the past two years, and the years even before, to set me free.  

I appreciate freedom because I knew imprisonment and manipulation.

I appreciate provision because I lost much.

I know my beauty because it radiates from the inside out.

I know my worth because I know my maker.

I know joy because he is making me new.

I will wait on a warrior, because the jealous lover of my soul has nothing less in mind for me.

What I learned about healing from a deaf cat...

When I was in my early 20s, I was living in a little apartment with my best friend Brigid.  One weekend night, I went "home" to Mom & Dad's house to do some laundry.  While I was there, I was sitting on the couch with my Dad's 20-something year old cat, Snickers. Snickers had lost her hearing and most of her sense of balance a few months earlier, and although she was sweet and affectionate, she was also old and well, a bit confused.

When she started to fall off the couch (remember, no balance), I put my arm out to catch her, she got scared, and grabbed onto my hand.  With her mouth.  With her dirty, nasty, 20-year-old cat teeth.  Right through the bottom of my palm just above my wrist and under my pinky finger.  I screeched and yelped in pain, but managed to shake her off, and rinsed the tooth sized hole in my hand out with soap and water and headed home.

The next morning, I woke up feeling about as sick as I had ever felt in my life.  I couldn't walk.  Brigid wasn't home, so I literally rolled out of bed and onto the floor to call my Mom.  (I was in my 20s, so I had come to realize that Mom's know everything).  I had a few other symptoms that might make a mama worry about blood poisoning...so she quickly came to pick me up and we headed to the hospital.

In the ER, they swiftly strapped down my right arm to get an IV in me, while they proceeded use a toolbox full of shiny little picks and scissor looking knives to shovel out the poison in my left hand from where Snickers had bit me. I had never felt so vulnerable -- and I had never felt so much acute pain.  (Since then I've had 3 babies, so I trumped that pain and vulnerability a few times over, but at the time, it was pretty darn painful).

They must've dug around in my hand for 30 minutes.  And, after they finished, and bandaged it up and admitted me to make sure I had enough antibiotics to ward off anything, it still hurt.  Bad.

Little by little, the pain subsided.  After a few days, I was released and allowed to go home.

For a few weeks, I nursed the wound until it healed over completely.

Now, there's a tiny scar, but it's fully healed.

I remembered this story this week.  And, I've been remembering other stories of physical healing -- breaking my ankle, and the intensity of the pain when the Dr had to set it before casting it.  The intense pain of contractions and pushing out each of my three children.

I remembered these stories because I think this past month I've been experiencing the same intensity of pain, but emotionally.

See, for the past two years, I thought I'd been healing.  Healing from lots of years of damage and pain.  But, I think those two years have been kinda like when I went home and just went to bed after Snickers bit me 20 years ago...

Several weeks ago, in my prayer conversations with God, I sensed that I was ready for some healing.  Ready to "receive" something from Him.  I had been on a journey for several months of purifying my heart; learning to expect God to show up (rather than just hoping maybe He would), and I had heard Him say that the next step was to "receive."

Little did I realize, He still had some work to do.  Just like the Dr in the ER had to clean the gunk out of my hand, or set my broken ankle, God needed to set my heart in the right place.  And, He's been doing that the past few weeks.  It's come in the form of acknowledging some "lies" that I really needed to let go of if I was ever going to really heal.  And it's been really painful, but I've revealed four lies that I'm walking away from -- cleaning them out, because they are poison to me, and I can't heal if they're still around.

Lie #1:  I'm not beautiful.  I'm cute and smart.  But, I'm not beautiful.
I can't explain exactly how He has finally gotten through to me on this one, but I just don't believe it anymore.  I am beautiful.  I am beautiful when I'm smiling and joyful and living out my gifts -- doing what I love to do.  And my Father God thinks I'm beautiful.  That is all I need to know.

Lie #2:  Nothing good ever lasts.
I think through lots of bible reading, and taking deliberate inventory of things in my life that are good, and that have lasted, I've just realized that it's not at all true to make such a blanket statement.  So, I'm dropping this one, too.  God wants good things for me.  Things that last.  Relationships that last.  Gifts that keep getting better and bringing me more and more joy (like teaching, which I'm realizing I need to step back into).

Lie #3:  I have a lot of sin and "debt" to pay off before God's going to send me any blessings.
How can I deny the friendships I've found over the past two years as anything other than blessings?  This has been right in front of my face, but honestly, I've spent too much time over the past few years thinking about all the things I don't have rather than seeing all of the gifts and blessings that are right in front me.  They are innumerable.  And, I'm grateful beyond measure.

Lie #4  I'm not worthy of love, other than "obligatory love" (God and my mama).
I've been projecting a bit to debunk this one.  When I look at my kids, it's so so easy to see and believe and fight for them to feel and be loved.  And, to see so clearly and easily why they are worthy of love from me and from God and from anyone else that would care to get to know them.  Duh, I'm God's kid...so, it's true for me to.  Of course I'm worth it.

Whew...this entry is already long enough, but let me end by saying that healing involves pain.  Identifying the lies and cutting them out hurts.  The coward in me knew that.  And, she's been afraid.

But, the recovering coward is letting the tears of that pain just wash me clean and new.

God, keep me focused on the path you have me on...keep making me new and whole.

I've never been a fan of heights...

Something about heights has always scared me.  I don't mind flying, but tall buildings, especially in the open air kinda freak me out.  I love the view that you get, but looking "down" stirs up the fear in me every time.

Now, I've learned over time to deal with this fear and that the view is always worth a bit of trepidation, and I have really enjoyed visits to the Hancock Center in Chicago and the Empire State Building in New York City.  Each time, I focus on looking outward and upward rather than downward, and I do just fine.  That's where the better view is anyway, right?

I was thinking about this fear of "looking down" today and its a strong analog for my life the past year.

A year ago this week, I got fired.  From a job that I thought I was pretty good at.  I thought I was adding a lot of value.  I thought I was pretty indispensable.  But, obviously, not everyone agreed with me.  My ego took at hit, certainly.

Deep down, I knew I'd be okay.  I knew that it was really for the better since I wasn't learning and growing the way I need to in order to stay motivated and energized and engaged in a job.

But, losing my job while in the middle of a divorce, while sitting on a house that I couldn't sell without paying a LOT of money to close the gap between what was owed and what the market would allow it to sell for, while grieving that I had moved my dad 400 miles away because I had to admit that I just couldn't take care of him anymore...well, that was kinda the last thing I thought I needed...

Today, a year later, I'm thrilled to be scaling up a young company that seems to be starting to hit its stride.  I'm renting an adorable cape cod that's just the right size for me and the kids.  I'm healing from a painful marriage and divorce.  The kids are adjusting and have made some new friends in their new school district.  I have friends...real friends and I'm making new ones, too.  I'm closer to broke than I've been in my adult life, but each month I make the bills and am able to have some fun with the kids.

And, most days, I look upward and outward, and don't allow myself to look down.  I've developed a trust in God and His provision that I never could have understood a year ago.  How He loves me.  How He provides for me.  How He's designed and gifted me.  How His is the most perfect, pure, unconditional love.

But, today, I looked down.

I do it every so often...and I get scared.  Like, really scared.

I feel alone.  Tired.  Unworthy of ever being loved or taken care of by anyone.  Convinced that I will always be on my own.  I feel the weight of the financial responsibility for my kids.  And the sinking feeling that I simply won't have enough money to pay for braces, college, my own health care expenses and insurance, clothes for the kids, experiences for the kids.  And the condemnation of feeling that I won't have enough time or energy to give my best to the long list of things that I pressure myself to give my best to each day.

But, the beautiful thing about this trust that I've grown over the past year is that whenever I look down and start to fear, God gently reminds me -- through the comforting hug from a friend; Anthony's laughter; Dominick's maturity and responsibility; the sparkle in Lanie's eyes; the warmth of the sun; the excitement of a prospective client; the gratefulness of a young leader that I was able to mentor -- that He's got my back.  That I'm on the exact journey that He designed me to be on.  And, that I have more than enough to survive.  In fact, He delights in the strength and conviction and courage and passion that I'm tapping into and that propel me forward every day.

And, I'm reminded to look upward and outward, because He's not going to let me fall...

Amen to that.

picture from flickr creative commons:   tentonipete

Courage is relative...

This might be slightly random, but I woke up around 3:15am last night with that phrase on my heart:  Courage is relative.

What is brave or courageous to me, might be easy for you.  What is easy for me, might take every ounce of gumption you can muster.  Courage is relative.

As I tried to press into it, I realized I have too often been controlled by a fear of hurting someone else by doing what is right for me.  This kind of fear is really co-dependence, I think.  It's about the fear of embracing and then acting on the understanding that I am really worthy of a better, different life...because whatever my current situation is safe and predictable.  Even if it's mediocre, it's at best laced with only a glimmer of the "big life" that I'm capable, worthy of and called into.  It took courage for me to step out of that safe life into this new, unpredictable one.  And, even now, each step requires a big, deep breath and a summoning of courage.  


My courage, for where I am right now.

And, it's not the same as the courage that you need to call on right now.

I'm guessing that for most of us, there is some big decision looming.  Some next step we think we might want -- or maybe even need -- to take.  Some challenge or dream that is crystal clear, but feels un-attainable.  Some risk or adventure that makes us tingle with anticipation but that we just haven't acted on yet.

In fact, I have a list of friends that I'm praying for.  And, in every case, that "courage" word keeps coming up.  Each of them is in a different situation.  Opportunities.  Challenges.  Storms to keep walking through.  New adventures to take on.  Big changes to navigate.

Whatever the case may be, I'm praying courage over each of you.  I'm praying courage for our society, actually...I'm tempted to get on a soap box here about the lack of courage to simply do the right thing, be honest, have integrity, admit our weaknesses, take bold steps out of love for others or ourselves.  Courage to stop behaving as if our lives don't matter, and that we should allow ourselves to be walked on, manipulated, pressured or bored into anything other than the big life that we're called to.
(soap box officially stepped onto...sorry...will step back down now).

As I re-read this post, it really is pretty random.  Courage is relative, and necessary to get to wherever we are being called by God.

So, for now, I'm going to keep praying courage over my friends and anyone else that I sense God tells me to...and, I'm going to update the mantra I wrote about a few weeks ago...now:  Be Courageous.  Trust and Receive.

flikr.com creative commons image from:   thebuffafamily

The year of awakening...better late than never...

So, at the beginning of 2012, I decided that this would be the year of "awakening."  I wanted to wake up to life -- to be more aware, more alive, alert, present.  To live more than ever in the "moment."  Try new things.  Laugh from my belly.  Feel my emotions.  Work hard from my gifts and be amazed at the energy it brings me rather than fatigued from useless toil.  Love and receive love.  Trust.

Over the past several weeks (or maybe it's been even longer than that), though, I forgot that this was the year of awakening...

And, I think I kinda fell asleep.

After I injured my hip running about 6 weeks ago, I started to shrink back into old patterns...and maybe some new patterns that weren't all that healthy.  I was becoming selfish, feeling sorry for myself a lot, and found anger and un-forgiveness making their way back into my thoughts.  I could feel it happening, but momentum works in both positive and negative directions, and I didn't put up much of a fight.

I hadn't stopped praying, but even my prayers had become selfish ones.  All about me...make me better.  Make me whole.  Give me strength.  Gimme this...gimme that.

In the quiet moments, I could hear God whispering me back, and then one night about two weeks ago, while I was looking for some inspiration to "pick me up," This verse came up on my computer screen:

"But everything exposed by the light becomes visible -- and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.  This is why it is said:  'Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.'"
Ephesians 5:13-14

Honestly, I looked at it and read it probably 5 times and I knew that I was supposed to be really hearing it,  and I felt a little spark in my heart, but it seemed to be a lone ember...

That Sunday, I went to church.  You'll never guess what verse Tim was teaching from...yep; that one.

I looked over at Ali and said "Ok...Clearly, He's trying to tell me something here, I'd better pay attention..."

And, He spoke.  Loudly.  Here's what He said (yea, it's a lot, but many of these are repeat messages that He keeps telling me over and over again since I'm stubborn don't retain them well...):

• Wake Up, Child.  See this video for reference...(not the greatest video, but a great song).  You've been asleep too long.  You said this was the year to Wake Up, so DO IT.  
• You are shrinking back from the light for all the wrong reasons.  Why are you letting someone else's' words define who you are.  Stop hiding from people because you think that they might have been told something that's not true about you.  Show them who you are.  That's your job...not anyone else's.
• Your apathy is disobedient and selfish.  You're sitting on your gifts.  Start using the gifts I gave you again...you are happiest when you are using them.
• I will restore your ability to trust and to receive, if you let me.
• You are worth fighting for.  You are worth fighting for.  You are worth fighting for.  Just because some lame, imperfect humans haven't fought for you, I did, and I still am, and I always will.  Stop believing that no-one has or will fight for you...I'm right in front of you.
• Are you ready?  Because change is coming.  Refresh is coming.  Once you open your eyes, you're going to see it coming.  Trust and Receive.

I'm not going to get into too many details about what happened in the days that followed, but I will tell you this:  I am awake now.  Wide awake.  And I feel so blessed.  So 180-degrees from where I was.  The tears I was crying from pain and anguish have been replaced by genuine tears of gratitude and wonder.  

Later that Sunday, as I was walking out of church, a friend said to me "Ann, it's getting better."

It IS getting better.  I can look back a year ago and say that it is so so much better.  I am stronger.  I am more whole.  I am more and more and more and more "me" every day on this journey...and I'm less and less and less afraid.

So, my mantra and prayer right now is "Trust and Receive."  I'm ready for the year of awakening to begin, so watch out world...because I'm awake even before I hit starbucks every morning...and, as the song says, I'm gonna make history.

Photo from flickr creative commons photo stream:   Sean MacEntee

The Plan

I met up with a friend that I hadn't seen in probably 2 0r 3 years on Friday for a beer and a catch up. I knew he'd had a crazy year -- maybe as crazy as mine -- and I thought it would be great to commiserate a bit.

I quickly remembered why I had always loved our conversations...we always seem to get into discussions about God and His will...this time, we debated whether free will actually interrupts God's ideal plan, or whether the choices that we and others make are really just part of His Plan all along. I still haven't resolved where that netted out, but as I was driving home that night, I knew God was speaking to me with a wake-up call about "His Plan" for my life...

I have been praying a lot lately for the next chapter of God's plan for my life to get started. See, I'm expectant. (no, not that kind of expectant)...I'm expecting that God has an amazing plan for me. He's confirmed it and reassured me and shown me pictures and signs. And, each day, I wake up believing that His Plan will be revealed when He's good and ready to show me. And, I had shared with my friend that he should have hope and belief that God has a Plan for him too -- that after such a crappy year of loss and humility, that I just knew that God's Plan for him must be so awesome...

But, even as I said it Friday night, something felt "off" about it. And, as I drove home and prayed about it this weekend, I realized that what was "off" was my insistence that the Plan hadn't started yet. That I hadn't been walking every single day in His Plan -- and that the past 2 years or so weren't part of it. That I had insisted that if my friend would just trust, that God's great Plan for him would eventually be revealed...

The truth about His Plan, for me, is that these past few years of tear-down and erosion of everything that gave me security and identity was a chapter. And, more recently, this re-birth and re-definition and newfound understanding of trust is a chapter.

Last spring, I recall feeling a sense of being re-born into a new chapter -- not exactly that the story of my life up to that point wasn't part of the "book," but that there was a turning point in the book...this year, as the trees are blooming and the daffodils are coming up (early, I might add!), it feels like that all over again...another new chapter.

I am being made new. I am becoming. If a friend described me today, it would be a very very different description than two years ago.

My friend said, on Friday, "you're different...I can tell...more vulnerable. More 'you'."

I am different -- I'm not just on my way to being different...I am a better, wiser, more beautiful, joyful, surrendered, forgiving, trusting woman, friend, daughter and mother than I was a year ago...(oh yea, I'm also a runner...I couldn't have said that a year ago!)

So, I'm not waiting on His Plan anymore...I'm living in it. And, so so blessed to have so many amazing friends to be part of the story.

The Inner Critic

Sometimes I think that, the emptier my bucket, the louder the voice of the "inner critic" becomes.

Now, I'm going to ramble here for a bit...you don't have to read it...I'm writing it more for myself than for anyone else...

I'm trying hard to let God fill my bucket these days...I'm reading scripture and cranking (and crying to) worship music, and I hear God's voice pretty clearly. He tells me that He loves me just the way I am. That I'm beautiful -- not just cute or spunky, but b-e-a-utiful. That I'm intelligent, and that He made me that way -- that my brain is a gift, not a curse. That He has a plan for me, and that His timing is perfect -- and that I'll be totally blown away when I look back at what He's done for me.

And, I'm grateful for where I am and what I've got and that He's helped me begin to rebuild after years of being destroyed.

I "get it" that God loves every one of us. He loves our imperfections and flaws. He loves every little thing about us. He loves us deeply and unconditionally. I get that.

But, the Inner Critic seems to be telling me lately, that He (God) is the only one. That no-one else could ever or will ever have that level of unconditional, intimate, want-to-know-everything-about each other, love for me. Except maybe my mama. My brothers don't talk to me. My sister-in-law de-friended me. My dad won't stay on the phone with me for more than 5 minutes. And, with precious few exceptions, my friendships are pretty superficial. And, I'm starting to believe that people just aren't interested in deep, intimate relationships. Or, maybe they are, but they aren't really interested in getting to know "me" at all.

Interestingly, this is coming after I've just spent some good time over the past few months spending time with "me." Learning to enjoy my own company. And, it's been good...at least I thought I was...

And, this is coming at a time when I feel like God seems to be re-assuring me that I really was a good wife. That I really did try. That I really did pursue intimacy. That I really did communicate my needs and my hopes and my dreams and my feelings and that I really was interested in and tried to learn about his. I have struggled with others' perceptions of me in those areas...

So, I know this "Inner Critic" sure as heck isn't God talking to me. It's His big enemy, wanting to erode all the progress I've made. Wanting me to think that I'm un-lovable on earth. That I'll never be beautiful to anyone but God -- who thinks everyone is beautiful. That my intellect will always scare people off and keep them from wanting to get to know me. And, that if I don't shrink back into the coward and fake that's been able to "earn" the love (? maybe it was never love...maybe it was always just some superficial affection or tolerance?) of people that I thought were friends and family, then I don't stand a chance of experiencing that intimacy that I so long for with other human beings. Ironic, right? Because, that coward wasn't ever able to experience intimacy at all...I was too busy trying to be what others wanted me to be for anyone to ever know the real me.

So, before she beats me down, I need to drown out this Inner Critic. Shut her up for good.

I have no idea how to do this.

But, I think maybe it starts with asking God to get louder. And asking God to help me let Him fill my bucket. And admitting that I've been hurt and that it sucked and that its not "my fault" all the time. And letting myself feel that pain and then move beyond it because it's in the past.

Hmmm...Maybe I do know how to do this...

So, that's my prayer tonight. That He gets louder. And that His plan for me keeps moving forward. And that the hurts of the past stop haunting me. And that that damn Inner Critic goes away for good.

Two truths and a lie

I'm not sure when exactly I started believing lies about myself, but I know it was a loooong time ago.

Generally speaking, I'm getting healthier. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. One of the goals I set for myself last year was to really "feel" my strength in those four areas. And, it seems that whenever I start to feel it, the same old lies come back at me and knock me down.

The big lie that I've bought into most of my life is the one that says "I'm not worthy." Not worthy of love. Not worthy of respect. Not worthy of being pursued. Not worthy of fighting for. Not worthy of acceptance. Not worthy of being trusted

Today, I bought into it again. I let myself believe that I'm not worthy of being trusted. I won't go into details, but suffice to say that, as I'm prone to do, I internalized and blamed myself for a situation today that really wasn't about me not being trustworthy...it was more about someone else not being willing to trust.

But, this is one of the key lies that has tortured me for much of my life.

When I was young, I wasn't to be trusted to be out late...it didn't matter how responsible I was, I was given a message that I was expected to do something irresponsible. In my marriage, I bought into believing that my recollection of certain events or conversations wasn't accurate --my word couldn't be trusted.

Unfortunately, I've allowed myself into many situations where this message was repeated. Until I started to identify it and work hard to replace it with truth a year or so ago, I didn't even trust myself.

So, that all kinda sucks.

But, here's the good part. (you know that icebreaker game, where you tell two truths and a lie and then people have to guess what the lie is...? well, I just told you the lie...now I'll tell you the truths that I'm working on seeing...thank you to my friends and my kids who show me these truths...)

The first truth is, I am worthy of being trusted. That's not to say that I never do dumb stuff and make mistakes. But, I know my heart. And, in many situations, my "gut" discernment about things often proves out to be right. So, I'm worthy of being trusted, by others and by myself.

Here's the second truth: I can't control whether other people will trust me. I can do things to earn trust. But, ultimately, even when I do those things, someone else has to make the decision to trust me.

That's how trust works.

Just like love and affection and forgiveness and so many other things in life.

They are like see-saws...and it takes two people, putting equal weight into it, to make it work well.

When it works well, it's beautiful and rewarding and nurtures relationships that produce growth, transformation and joy.

So, I'm going to trust that today's experience has been a growth-ful one for me...I'm going to have the courage to trust myself and continue to put myself "out there" to be trusted...because I want all that growth and transformation and joy so much more than I want the safety of never asking to be trusted.