Just 2 resolutions this year...

I'm just making two resolutions this year...but, they are big ones, and they cover a lot. Ironically, I probably have NO chance of actually fulfilling them, but I'm hoping that, by "striving" for these two things, I'll live more of this year in "thrive" mode versus "survive" mode.

Here they are:

1. (Strive to) Honor God in everything I do, say and think.
2. (Strive to) See myself and others as glorious -- made in the image of God.

I've been reading Isaiah and a general theme is the righteousness of God and how He/Love is the ultimate winner -- all the time. Submitting to that feels a whole lot easier than beating myself up over mistakes and shortcomings.

I'm going to meditate on the promise in Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock eternal."

And, pray Isaiah 26 8-9 "Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, I wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of my heart. My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you."

And, finally, I'm going to celebrate Isaiah 26: 19 "But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Your dew is like the dew of morning; the earth will give birth to her dead."

The celebration starts tonight...at VWS...when a whole bunch of people declare that they are following Jesus at our New Year's Rockin' Eve Worship and Baptism celebration! I can't wait to start 2009! Happy New Year!

SQUISH....

I'm feeling a bit like an ant today...

Let me explain...

I'm feeling small, insignificant and not very unique. I feel like there is a big, giant foot hovering above me, about to squish me.

Big foot probably won't feel a twinge of guilt, because I'm probably not contributing anything worthwhile anyway.

Forgive me while I ramble a bit here...I've had a difficult day, in many ways...

See, I've been here before. Trying to catalyze change and not making myself very popular in the process. Every other time, I've hit this point. Where my confidence wanes in the face of criticism and doubt and skepticism. But, I think what's getting to me more this time than in the past is the sense that people around me -- people I deeply respect, don't see me and my heart...they see process and strategy and self-reliance and force fitting of an approach that must feel like it's come from a cookie cutter or business book.

I need to work on communicating less with my mouth and more with my actions. I need to focus everyday on whether my heart is right with God. If it is, then I need to not be dissuaded...right? Why is this such a struggle for me?

God, convict me when and where I need to be convicted, and affirm me when I'm doing the work you've asked me to help with. Keep my eyes fixed on you. If I'm to "throw in the towel" on this one, will me to do so...if not, strengthen me to persevere.

Oh Christmas Tree(s)

I LOVE Christmas Trees. I think some people think I'm certifiably crazy, but I just love the cozy feeling you get when a room is lit with twinkle lights on a tree. Over the years, I've added trees...this year we have 10 in our home...I'll share some of them with you...

This one is in the kitchen. It is decorated with cookie cutters, candy apple, gingerbread and candy ornaments. It is a 6 foot tree, and has orange and white lights.

These two are on a plant shelf in the family room. Our trusty knight is keeping watch over them. These are the two new trees for 2008. They are 5.5 feet trees with white lights.

This is our "main" tree -- the one that the whole family decorates together in the family room. Lots of handmade and personalized ornaments on this one. This one is 10 feet tall and has multi-colored lights, which we add to with some fun bubble lights and other crystal lights.

This lovely red and gold tree graces our dining room. I love the topper on this one...it's blown glass. This is a 7.5 foot tree with red and white lights.

This may be my favorite tree. It's in our entry and I really enjoy decorating this one with deep jewel tones. This is a narrow 10 foot tall tree with white lights.

And, finally, the one that people really think is crazy...we have a small 4.5 foot tree in the powder room. I don't really care if you think I'm insane...it looks nice and ensures that no matter where you go on the main level of our house, you'll see a Christmas tree!

The kids each have trees in their rooms...Next year, I hope to add a tree in the basement, which will be completely finished by then.

So, there you have it. Enjoy...and Merry Christmas!

Here I am...

When I was a kid, we used to sing a particular hymn at my church...you may have heard it if you come from a fairly traditional background. The chorus went something like...

"Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go, Lord,
if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart."

Every time we sang that song, I'd start shaking and crying -- much against my will. I can remember it, vividly...from probably about age 9 or 10.

At the time, I remember feeling a strange mix of embarrassment and excitement, but over time, I began to "train myself" to NOT sing during that hymn...to focus on something, ANYthing else so that I wouldn't start crying and look like a dork in front of the other kids, who didn't seem to be at all influenced by the music, and were obviously MUCH cooler than I was.

Many years later, I realized with awe that God had been moving in my life, even at such a young age...calling me out to follow and to lead. To not follow the crowd and do what the cool kids were doing...somehow trying to convince my stubborn heart that the life I saw others living was not nearly as amazing as the life He had in mind for me...

I re-read the passage in Isaiah 6:8 tonight and am hearing Him again...calling me out to live an extraordinary life...as long as I don't allow myself to focus on anything other than what He has for me...

"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying -- "Whom shall I send?" And who will go for us? And I said, "Here am I. Send me."

Humbled again...

So, last week I did something really stupid. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice it to say that it was dumb, and I knew it was, and I did it anyway. And, almost instantly I regretted it. It was not glorifying to God, or to my family or to my co-workers...just overall reproachful! Anyway, as I was beating myself up over it this weekend, realizing that I needed to confess to a few folks that witnessed my behavior, I was feeling pretty crappy about myself...and in the midst of all that, I had the most amazing dream Saturday night...

In my dream, I was pregnant...a little hand and foot were pressing against the skin of my belly -- like the baby was full term and ready to be born and trying to push his way out. It was so real...I could almost feel the pressure from those little limbs. I woke up wondering what it meant, and headed to church...

Tim gave a message on how God wants to use us to bring life to the world. He talked about how we're all "impregnated" by God -- not to be weird or gross, but really that he's placed life in us and wants us to birth it and nurture it in the world. (Pretty good message...check out VWS and download the podcast if you'd like).

I realized that, even through my crap and stupidity, God still wants to use me. He forgives me before I forgive myself. He was trying to tell me through my dream and then through that message on Sunday morning that He's given me a life and purpose to bring into the world!

I was reflecting this week on Romans 7 -- probably trying to punish myself a bit more...in vs. 15-24, Paul talks about the craziness of humanity where we find ourselves doing stupid things that we know are wrong, that we don't want to do, but we do them anyway. And, avoiding things we should be doing that are good...and how wretched we are. Interestingly, I remembered much of the language of this passage, but I didn't realize the ending...and the beginning of Chapter 8..."Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!...Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

So, I'm working on forgiving myself by trying to birth and nurture life, and live out the purposes He's called me to for the moment...and realizing that I can learn through my mistakes and imperfections and hopefully leverage them to make me a better, more humble leader and follower...

Working mom...

Just wanted to register a thought that sometimes its REALLY hard to be a working mom. I'm in New York City this week. I left home on Sunday night to head up here for some work -- and I won't be back home until very late Friday night. This is extra stinky since I was in Chicago last week Thursday-Saturday and had less than 24 hours at home before leaving on this NYC trip.

I miss Nick and the kids so much. Someone asked me today if it's worth it -- me being here, on this trip and the business we can build here, in exchange for the time away from my family. Absolutely not, I said.

Here's the thing...I wear a lot of hats: servant to Jesus, wife to Nick, mother to Dominick, Lanie & Anthony, coach, employee, sister, daughter, member, friend, confidante, counselor, etc. There are only three hats, though, that ONLY I can wear...the one that is fulfilling the calling God has placed on my life; being a wife to my husband and being a mother to my kids.

Its not that I can't be a wife and mom while working...it's more that I need to keep in balance how much of my energy and "best effort" is going into each role. Sometimes I get it out of whack. Sometimes it's in balance, but not everyone is happy with my choices. And, quite often, I'm stuck in the middle.

So, this week, I'm praying that God helps me to be a good wife and mother, even from far away; that when I get home, He helps me make good decisions about how to spend my time and my energy; and to forgive myself for not doing it right all the time...

From bones to an army...

So, Thanksgiving is over...it always goes so quick. I spend all day cooking and in less than 45 minutes, my 24lb turkey is nothing but a carcass. We pulled the wishbone off and set it out to dry for the kids. Now, you're wondering, what does this have to do with ANYthing? Well...I happen to be finished with Ezekeil (finally!) and I've been wanting to capture some thoughts about dry bones (hahahaha)...Chapter 37.

Honestly, I've heard this story so many times, but as always, when I read it this time around, I saw and heard something completely new...and so relevant to right now, and so amazing that I've been trying to unpack it ever since.

First, go read chapter 37: 1-14. Okay...now...

Here's the clif notes version for those of you that cheated and didn't follow the link to reach it...God leads Zeke to this valley full of dry bones (yuck!). It stunk and was really depressing to look at. But, God said -- dude, it's not what you think! They're not dead! I'll bring them back to life, and put my spirit in them, and settle them in this land.

Wow...there is SO much going on here...Just when they were completely dried out and dead, God brings them back to life...

...Just when I think I've got nothing left to give, he breathes life back into me.
...Just when we think those around us are void of passion or emotion or energy, God can AND WANTS TO bring them back to life.

I love this part (vs 9-10): "...Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’ So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army."

How cool is that? An ARMY...up out of a bunch of dried up bones.

I want to be in THAT army! Raised from uselessness and into life!

So, that's my prayer this week..."come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into me so that I may live and be part of your army!"

I dare you to pray it with me...are you in?