A gift for my year of softening...

This week I had an amazing experience of God's love for me. At VWS, we have a team of prayer warriors who have been doing a form of emotional healing prayer called SOZO. I went for some healing prayer in a SOZO on Tuesday night...

Wow.

Simply overwhelming.

I couldn't begin to capture in writing all of the things that God spoke to me through this prayer session. But, I wanted to try to write down at least one piece of it, because it was so powerful in its relevance to my 2009 goal of "softening."

Essentially, SOZO aims to set one free from lies that we may have believed for many years about ourselves. When we lay the lie down, denounce it, rebuke it, we ask God to replace it with something.

During my prayer time, I didn't really feel much about being intimidating. I realized there were lies I believed about myself related to fear, doubt, need for human affection, and a few other things. We went through a process of denying each lie that the Holy Spirit showed me I had believed about myself.

And then, we asked God what truth he had for me in exchange for the lies. I'll try to explain the picture He gave me, and little about what He revealed about its meaning...

In a brightly lit white space, Jesus stood with me. He was wearing a white robe with a gold sash. I was standing next to Him, and I realized that I was wearing a white robe, too. This reflects that I am made in His image (the white color represents holiness, right standing, purity).

He took off his gold sash and tied it around my waist, and told me it was my "warrior belt." (Gold represents wealth, kingliness, majesty, etc).

I reached in his pocket and pulled out two gifts...first, a pink heart (think, valentine!). Then, a small white pillow. I asked what the pillow was for -- softness, comfort, rest, slumber, protection for my head from the hard ground -- these were the words I heard.

Immediately, I saw the connection to my year of humility and getting "knocked off my horse" last year and my desire to be softer this year...and He was reassuring me that, all along, I've been a soft-hearted, loving person; and that He's always been there to keep me from hitting the hard ground when I'm humbled.

But, up til this week, I had chosen to believe a lie -- that I was an intimidating person; a mean person in some way.

To be clear, there have been times when my behavior has been intimidating or mean or overpowering...but I am not a mean, overpowering, intimidating person...there is a HUGE difference!

So, whatever I do that is not glorifying to God -- it's the ACTION or the BEHAVIOR, it's not ME and those actions/behaviors don't have to define me! I need to confess them, work on them, forgive myself for them, but I don't have to believe the lie that they define me.

What defines me is that I am made in His image...and that truth is quite a gift!

What's in a name?

There has been a lot in popular "maverick" leadership press over the past few years about titles. All over, "hip" companies are letting folks create their own titles, or giving people very descriptive titles ("Change Agent" or "Optimizer" or "Detail Driver") while moving away from "traditional" titles like Vice President or Director. Tradition is bad! Change is good! Freedom from the chains of stuffy old definitions that put people and their contributions into a pre-determined box! Let people create a title that communicates what they uniquely bring and who they uniquely are...

I have been a big supporter of this movement for quite some time...

However...I've been thinking about it a LOT lately, and I might be changing my mind a bit...

I was reflecting on big moments in my own personal growth, both in my career and in life in general. I realized that almost every time I've made a significant leap in my growth, it's been PREceded by some "title" that was given to me. Usually, I had some understanding of what the "title" meant or the mantle it carried, but never did I feel worthy of it or ready for it. In contrast, times when I've given myself a title, it's reflective what I thought I was contributing or reasonably capable of contributing at the time, but rarely something way beyond me that I could grow into.

A few examples...

"mom" -- I was given the title "mom" when I first became pregnant with my first child. Arguably, at that point, I was not doing any of the things I thought "moms" do...I was still taking care of myself, would vomit at the sight or smell of someone else's vomit, needed a good 8 hours of sleep, and thought my life was "busy." Ha! But, something about being called "mom" inspired me to begin to live up to the title.

"mentor" -- this was a big one for me...a young manager at P&G asked me to be her "mentor" several years ago. I had a pretty good idea of what a mentor was, and I certainly didn't think I was capable of being one to someone else...I was, at that point, mostly a mentee -- seeking guidance from my own set of mentors (wise people with lots of career and life experience). But, again, somehow, being called a mentor inspired me to begin to live up to the title.

"coach" -- again...same story for me. Several others: "Manager" "Associate Director" "General Manager" "Executive Director"...each time, I've not felt ready or worthy, but I had a pretty good working "definition" of what the title meant, and each time, growth came because I strove to live up to the title.

Jesus did the same thing...he gathered a bunch of wayward teenagers with grim prospects for their futures and he called them priest, disciple, healer, fisher of men...all titles that had meaning and definition and that were not at all reflective of what these guys were doing at the time, but rather what Jesus knew they could do if they were inspired and motivated.

Anyway, a bit of rambling tonight...but food for thought...and a few questions to ask myself (maybe that you need to ask yourself, too!):

• Who in my care do I need to bestow a big title on?
  
• Where do I need to embrace the "traditional" titles because they will inspire growth for me or for someone I'm coaching or mentoring?
  
• Where might a title be holding someone back from what they could be?
  
• Are any of my own titles holding me back? If so, even if no-one else changes them, how might my own perspective or behavior shift if I strove to be worthy of a different "title?"

Waiting for purpose...

This is Dominick. He just turned 10 in December. My first born son, Dominick is a more intense male version of yours truly. Almost everything about him is just like his mom, but amped up a bit. He's smart -- much smarter than me...intensely competitive, full of passion, responsibility, an exceptionally strong will, and often victim to his incessant stream of strategic, logical thoughts and ideas.

And there is a serious battle going on for this guy. He's going to win...God is going to win, and I can't wait to see the victory.

At VWS this past Sunday, pastor Jim taught the kids about "purpose." Last night, while I was tucking Dominick into bed after another battle of wills (we have those often in our house), he asked me if I knew what his purpose was in life. He was feeling pretty bad after losing some privileges for some bad choices earlier in the evening, and he wondered, was his purpose ultimately to die? Was it to argue with his parents? Was it to make bad choices and always feel like he's fighting against the world?

As we often do, Dominick and I talked about his gift of "passion." Passion is one of those "gifts" that, when not exercised for good, can land folks in jail, chase away would-be friends, and leave one feeling intensely disappointed in oneself. When it's used for good, the results can be exponential and more far-reaching than one might have been able to imagine.

I'm convinced that Dominick's mix of gifts and talents and passion have been placed in him for a purpose. As we talked and prayed last night, I asked God to reveal his purpose to Dominick. In my heart, though, I felt like it would come in time, when he's closer to being a "grown up" when people come to know their purpose...when you're a kid, it's just about being a kid, right?

Wrong.

All morning, Dominick was on my mind...why should he, can he not have purpose NOW? And, how empowering and scary to the bad guy trying to mess with Dominick's head would it be for Dominick to live out today's purpose instead of believing the lies that he's not worth much and is just meant to die or make bad choices or be a disappointment. He's not hearing those lies from his parents...they are coming from an enemy that is trying to lie to him and wear him down...why? Because this kid is going to be DANGEROUS for God!

And, I don't have to wait to see it...I can encourage and call out purpose in my 10 year old right now, today...

I'd love it if you'd please keep Dominick in your prayers, friends. And, share your ideas about how to help kids see purpose in their lives...

People, not projects

This week, I've been talking to various friends about what makes people intimidating. I've learned some really insightful things. After talking with one friend today, I was able to start articulating a few of them more clearly for myself. I'm starting to get a good idea of the things I need to work on...

Here are the newest insights...

• It's intimidating when someone turns every comment or occasion for small talk into a lengthy debate or discussion. Small talk is meant to be small, quick. I need to remember that I don't have to engage on every little topic. And, when I do, it makes me look like a know-it-all, which is intimidating...and annoying.
• Showing people that I fully expect and desire to learn something from them breaks down negative assumptions. This requires some balance -- i.e. if I want to be able to serve others, and not be intimidating in the process, I need to make sure that I'm open to being served -- to learning from them. People that I encounter are not projects...they're people.

Many of the folks that I've been intimidated by in the past have been people that I've looked up to...people who seemingly had achieved some success that felt attractive to me. What I've realized is that I'm not at all likely to "make the first move" and strike up a conversation with those folks (the whole "I'm not worthy" thing). So, if some folks feel that way about me, whether or not I think it's justified, I can break down the assumptions by reaching out first and "making the first move" to talk to someone, ask for their help or advice, or affirm them in some way.

So, more work to do...

What am I missing about what makes people intimidating or what makes someone approachable?

What makes a person intimidating?

So, I started doing some digging into what makes people intimidating. The web is an amazing resource...you can actually learn HOW to be intimidating -- in fact, there is a lot more out there about how to intimidate people than there is about how to NOT be intimidating. Some of it is pretty scary actually. But in an effort to learn, I thought I'd explore how one might become intimidating -- maybe it will help me realize what I'm doing that makes people feel intimidated...

Here's what I learned...

First of all, to be intimidating, you must
1. Focus on yourself.
2. Have un-shakeable confidence, or "fake it."
3. Intentionally make the other person feel inferior.
4. Insult the other person -- directly or subtly.

It stands to reason, then, that to be "softer," maybe I should focus on the opposite of these things...
1. Focus on the other person.
2. Admit my own vulnerabilities.
3. Intentionally position myself to serve rather than be served.
4. Affirm and build others up.

Oddly, I think of myself as being somewhat self-aware...but as I examine these opposites and think about how I interact with others, I've got a lot of work to do!

I really do focus too much on myself;

I'm still learning about how to admit and share my vulnerabilities and fears;

I'm not sure that I consistently position myself to serve (nor that when I do, my motives are always pure);

and I'm don't always remember the importance of affirming others...

I'm on a quest to really examine this definition of intimidation, get some feedback from people I trust, and who I know will be honest with me and look hard in the mirror.

Thankfully, God loves me just the way I am and I know He'll help me take one step at a time to grow into a softer, more approachable person...

Name Your Year

We had some friends over last night and had such a wonderful time. It's an amazing treasure to have friends that you can completely be yourself with...

Each of us took turns giving a "name" for 2008 and pre-titling 2009 as well. It was such a revealing and reflective exercise.

2008 for me would be titled "Humility." If you've been reading this blog, this won't be a surprise to you. So many times this year, I feel like I've been "knocked off my horse." Professionally, personally, spiritually, physically...in just about every area of my life. So many mistakes -- I'm not even sure that I made more mistakes this year than in the past, but I was so much more acutely aware of my own imperfection and my innate need for other people and for grace and forgiveness (from others, from God, from myself). Now, to be clear, I'm FAR from a humble person, but I'm working on learning humility everyday and realizing that being humble can make me a much better leader, wife, mother, friend, coach, employee...overall, a much better person.

I want 2009 to be a year of "softening." I recently reconnected with a friend from high school. He said in HS he was "intimidated" by me. He's not the first person to tell me this. Many, many people have told me this, more in the past few years -- it's often after I've seemingly broken through and actually started getting into a somewhat intimate friendship with someone that they "admit" it to me. But, I've realized that, like it or not, there is a perception that I'm kinda scary to some people.

I know (through all these lessons in humility) that this keeps me from depth in relationships. Maybe in the past, I subconsciously used this to protect me from having to be completely honest about my inadequacies (gotta let go of that in REAL relationships, right?). Looking back at some goals I set last year, I said I wanted to develop deep, intimate friendships with 2-3 women...I've started that, but I realize that part of why it takes so long is because I give off this perception...So, in 2009, I want to figure out what I'm doing, saying, etc. that is leading to this perception and "soften" up a bit...

So, Name YOUR Year...Talking through it and sharing it is such a gift...