Two truths and a lie

I'm not sure when exactly I started believing lies about myself, but I know it was a loooong time ago.

Generally speaking, I'm getting healthier. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. One of the goals I set for myself last year was to really "feel" my strength in those four areas. And, it seems that whenever I start to feel it, the same old lies come back at me and knock me down.

The big lie that I've bought into most of my life is the one that says "I'm not worthy." Not worthy of love. Not worthy of respect. Not worthy of being pursued. Not worthy of fighting for. Not worthy of acceptance. Not worthy of being trusted

Today, I bought into it again. I let myself believe that I'm not worthy of being trusted. I won't go into details, but suffice to say that, as I'm prone to do, I internalized and blamed myself for a situation today that really wasn't about me not being trustworthy...it was more about someone else not being willing to trust.

But, this is one of the key lies that has tortured me for much of my life.

When I was young, I wasn't to be trusted to be out late...it didn't matter how responsible I was, I was given a message that I was expected to do something irresponsible. In my marriage, I bought into believing that my recollection of certain events or conversations wasn't accurate --my word couldn't be trusted.

Unfortunately, I've allowed myself into many situations where this message was repeated. Until I started to identify it and work hard to replace it with truth a year or so ago, I didn't even trust myself.

So, that all kinda sucks.

But, here's the good part. (you know that icebreaker game, where you tell two truths and a lie and then people have to guess what the lie is...? well, I just told you the lie...now I'll tell you the truths that I'm working on seeing...thank you to my friends and my kids who show me these truths...)

The first truth is, I am worthy of being trusted. That's not to say that I never do dumb stuff and make mistakes. But, I know my heart. And, in many situations, my "gut" discernment about things often proves out to be right. So, I'm worthy of being trusted, by others and by myself.

Here's the second truth: I can't control whether other people will trust me. I can do things to earn trust. But, ultimately, even when I do those things, someone else has to make the decision to trust me.

That's how trust works.

Just like love and affection and forgiveness and so many other things in life.

They are like see-saws...and it takes two people, putting equal weight into it, to make it work well.

When it works well, it's beautiful and rewarding and nurtures relationships that produce growth, transformation and joy.

So, I'm going to trust that today's experience has been a growth-ful one for me...I'm going to have the courage to trust myself and continue to put myself "out there" to be trusted...because I want all that growth and transformation and joy so much more than I want the safety of never asking to be trusted.

Belief > Hope

A year ago today, I made a choice.

It was a choice I had been trying to make for several years.

A year ago, a glimmer of hope shown through darkness and made me think maybe, just maybe my life could be different. Maybe I was worth so more than I had come to believe I was. Maybe I was born with destiny. Maybe my story wasn't anywhere near complete. Maybe the dreams and visions I had for so many years were shown to me for a reason. And, maybe I could re-discover who I was and teach my kids about being brave and honest and about following God. Maybe, if I took this step, the next one would be clearer.

I couldn't have imagined what I'd go through this year. So many chains broken and so much freedom discovered.

In hindsight, relationships that were standing between me and God are gone. Old "truths" about who I was fell away, replaced with evidence of God's truth.

Throughout the year, hope has come and gone and come again.

Over the past several weeks, I'd been asking God to give me hope in abundance. Selfishly, I asked Him for proof that Hope is Alive. And, as He does, He showed up in the most unexpected ways...

First, a vivid dream...I won't get into it since some of you will think I'm nutty (some of you already know I'm a bit of a Jesus freak)...but, there was a sailboat (I'm the sailboat here), it gets nearly capsized by a powerful, fresh wind; rightsizes and begins a journey of purpose, speed and direction that it never expected. As I've prayed into it, it's clear to me that He's got a plan for me...

Then, a random email encounter with a real man of God. A man that I'll probably never meet, but who wrote of God's definition of marriage and man.

Finally, an invitation to dance and socialize with three couples that I really don't know well at all. Against my nature, I accepted the invite. Throughout the evening, an unexpected gift: I saw couples who love and touch and dance and laugh and genuinely enjoy each other.

Cowardly confession: I still only had hope that I was worth a different life; that society hadn't eroded the courage and conviction of 99.9% of men; and that love can last.

Today, it hit me. Hope is great, but I'm ready to move beyond hope.

I'm making a choice today.

I'm choosing belief over hope.

See, hope is beautiful, but is always clouded with a mist of "maybe." For me, that's driven by the voice I battle that says I'm not worth whatever I'm hoping for. And the pessimism that creeps into my heart from time to time that people just don't fight for others -- let alone themselves...it's just too easy to give in to fear and insecurity and mediocrity.

But, belief is hope with conviction.

Belief says "I know" this is going to happen. I know my life will be different. Not that my life can be different, but that it will be different. That my story will be amazing. That I am worth more to my Father than I can ever imagine."

It's a bold choice. It would be easier to stick with hope. But, I will choose belief, and I will ask my friends to hold me to it. And I will start living differently today because of the choice.

Will you join me?