Two truths and a lie

I'm not sure when exactly I started believing lies about myself, but I know it was a loooong time ago.

Generally speaking, I'm getting healthier. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. One of the goals I set for myself last year was to really "feel" my strength in those four areas. And, it seems that whenever I start to feel it, the same old lies come back at me and knock me down.

The big lie that I've bought into most of my life is the one that says "I'm not worthy." Not worthy of love. Not worthy of respect. Not worthy of being pursued. Not worthy of fighting for. Not worthy of acceptance. Not worthy of being trusted

Today, I bought into it again. I let myself believe that I'm not worthy of being trusted. I won't go into details, but suffice to say that, as I'm prone to do, I internalized and blamed myself for a situation today that really wasn't about me not being trustworthy...it was more about someone else not being willing to trust.

But, this is one of the key lies that has tortured me for much of my life.

When I was young, I wasn't to be trusted to be out late...it didn't matter how responsible I was, I was given a message that I was expected to do something irresponsible. In my marriage, I bought into believing that my recollection of certain events or conversations wasn't accurate --my word couldn't be trusted.

Unfortunately, I've allowed myself into many situations where this message was repeated. Until I started to identify it and work hard to replace it with truth a year or so ago, I didn't even trust myself.

So, that all kinda sucks.

But, here's the good part. (you know that icebreaker game, where you tell two truths and a lie and then people have to guess what the lie is...? well, I just told you the lie...now I'll tell you the truths that I'm working on seeing...thank you to my friends and my kids who show me these truths...)

The first truth is, I am worthy of being trusted. That's not to say that I never do dumb stuff and make mistakes. But, I know my heart. And, in many situations, my "gut" discernment about things often proves out to be right. So, I'm worthy of being trusted, by others and by myself.

Here's the second truth: I can't control whether other people will trust me. I can do things to earn trust. But, ultimately, even when I do those things, someone else has to make the decision to trust me.

That's how trust works.

Just like love and affection and forgiveness and so many other things in life.

They are like see-saws...and it takes two people, putting equal weight into it, to make it work well.

When it works well, it's beautiful and rewarding and nurtures relationships that produce growth, transformation and joy.

So, I'm going to trust that today's experience has been a growth-ful one for me...I'm going to have the courage to trust myself and continue to put myself "out there" to be trusted...because I want all that growth and transformation and joy so much more than I want the safety of never asking to be trusted.