I've never been a fan of heights...

Something about heights has always scared me.  I don't mind flying, but tall buildings, especially in the open air kinda freak me out.  I love the view that you get, but looking "down" stirs up the fear in me every time.

Now, I've learned over time to deal with this fear and that the view is always worth a bit of trepidation, and I have really enjoyed visits to the Hancock Center in Chicago and the Empire State Building in New York City.  Each time, I focus on looking outward and upward rather than downward, and I do just fine.  That's where the better view is anyway, right?

I was thinking about this fear of "looking down" today and its a strong analog for my life the past year.

A year ago this week, I got fired.  From a job that I thought I was pretty good at.  I thought I was adding a lot of value.  I thought I was pretty indispensable.  But, obviously, not everyone agreed with me.  My ego took at hit, certainly.

Deep down, I knew I'd be okay.  I knew that it was really for the better since I wasn't learning and growing the way I need to in order to stay motivated and energized and engaged in a job.

But, losing my job while in the middle of a divorce, while sitting on a house that I couldn't sell without paying a LOT of money to close the gap between what was owed and what the market would allow it to sell for, while grieving that I had moved my dad 400 miles away because I had to admit that I just couldn't take care of him anymore...well, that was kinda the last thing I thought I needed...

Today, a year later, I'm thrilled to be scaling up a young company that seems to be starting to hit its stride.  I'm renting an adorable cape cod that's just the right size for me and the kids.  I'm healing from a painful marriage and divorce.  The kids are adjusting and have made some new friends in their new school district.  I have friends...real friends and I'm making new ones, too.  I'm closer to broke than I've been in my adult life, but each month I make the bills and am able to have some fun with the kids.

And, most days, I look upward and outward, and don't allow myself to look down.  I've developed a trust in God and His provision that I never could have understood a year ago.  How He loves me.  How He provides for me.  How He's designed and gifted me.  How His is the most perfect, pure, unconditional love.

But, today, I looked down.

I do it every so often...and I get scared.  Like, really scared.

I feel alone.  Tired.  Unworthy of ever being loved or taken care of by anyone.  Convinced that I will always be on my own.  I feel the weight of the financial responsibility for my kids.  And the sinking feeling that I simply won't have enough money to pay for braces, college, my own health care expenses and insurance, clothes for the kids, experiences for the kids.  And the condemnation of feeling that I won't have enough time or energy to give my best to the long list of things that I pressure myself to give my best to each day.

But, the beautiful thing about this trust that I've grown over the past year is that whenever I look down and start to fear, God gently reminds me -- through the comforting hug from a friend; Anthony's laughter; Dominick's maturity and responsibility; the sparkle in Lanie's eyes; the warmth of the sun; the excitement of a prospective client; the gratefulness of a young leader that I was able to mentor -- that He's got my back.  That I'm on the exact journey that He designed me to be on.  And, that I have more than enough to survive.  In fact, He delights in the strength and conviction and courage and passion that I'm tapping into and that propel me forward every day.

And, I'm reminded to look upward and outward, because He's not going to let me fall...

Amen to that.

picture from flickr creative commons:   tentonipete

The Inner Critic

Sometimes I think that, the emptier my bucket, the louder the voice of the "inner critic" becomes.

Now, I'm going to ramble here for a bit...you don't have to read it...I'm writing it more for myself than for anyone else...

I'm trying hard to let God fill my bucket these days...I'm reading scripture and cranking (and crying to) worship music, and I hear God's voice pretty clearly. He tells me that He loves me just the way I am. That I'm beautiful -- not just cute or spunky, but b-e-a-utiful. That I'm intelligent, and that He made me that way -- that my brain is a gift, not a curse. That He has a plan for me, and that His timing is perfect -- and that I'll be totally blown away when I look back at what He's done for me.

And, I'm grateful for where I am and what I've got and that He's helped me begin to rebuild after years of being destroyed.

I "get it" that God loves every one of us. He loves our imperfections and flaws. He loves every little thing about us. He loves us deeply and unconditionally. I get that.

But, the Inner Critic seems to be telling me lately, that He (God) is the only one. That no-one else could ever or will ever have that level of unconditional, intimate, want-to-know-everything-about each other, love for me. Except maybe my mama. My brothers don't talk to me. My sister-in-law de-friended me. My dad won't stay on the phone with me for more than 5 minutes. And, with precious few exceptions, my friendships are pretty superficial. And, I'm starting to believe that people just aren't interested in deep, intimate relationships. Or, maybe they are, but they aren't really interested in getting to know "me" at all.

Interestingly, this is coming after I've just spent some good time over the past few months spending time with "me." Learning to enjoy my own company. And, it's been good...at least I thought I was...

And, this is coming at a time when I feel like God seems to be re-assuring me that I really was a good wife. That I really did try. That I really did pursue intimacy. That I really did communicate my needs and my hopes and my dreams and my feelings and that I really was interested in and tried to learn about his. I have struggled with others' perceptions of me in those areas...

So, I know this "Inner Critic" sure as heck isn't God talking to me. It's His big enemy, wanting to erode all the progress I've made. Wanting me to think that I'm un-lovable on earth. That I'll never be beautiful to anyone but God -- who thinks everyone is beautiful. That my intellect will always scare people off and keep them from wanting to get to know me. And, that if I don't shrink back into the coward and fake that's been able to "earn" the love (? maybe it was never love...maybe it was always just some superficial affection or tolerance?) of people that I thought were friends and family, then I don't stand a chance of experiencing that intimacy that I so long for with other human beings. Ironic, right? Because, that coward wasn't ever able to experience intimacy at all...I was too busy trying to be what others wanted me to be for anyone to ever know the real me.

So, before she beats me down, I need to drown out this Inner Critic. Shut her up for good.

I have no idea how to do this.

But, I think maybe it starts with asking God to get louder. And asking God to help me let Him fill my bucket. And admitting that I've been hurt and that it sucked and that its not "my fault" all the time. And letting myself feel that pain and then move beyond it because it's in the past.

Hmmm...Maybe I do know how to do this...

So, that's my prayer tonight. That He gets louder. And that His plan for me keeps moving forward. And that the hurts of the past stop haunting me. And that that damn Inner Critic goes away for good.

Really a leader?

My latest crisis of conscious is around whether I'm really a leader?

It's been crystal clear to me over the past week or so, that most of what I do is not "center-stage" leadership...I tend to do my best work in service of another leader...someone who has great vision, but needs help making it happen. Someone who can point to where the ship should go, but needs someone to actually steer it.

Or, maybe those are just the opportunities that have been placed before me, and God is training me up to be some other kind of leader...sometimes I feel like I have vision. When I do, it's pretty audacious stuff...why is it that the visions I get are never the ones I put strategy behind? Is it because I'm better suited, talented, gifted to support, or am I afraid?

Crap. This has kept me from good sleep for 3 nights straight now...

If someone else brought these thoughts to me, I'd tell them to get over themselves, eat a piece of humble pie, and do the work God is putting in front of them. Who cares what it's called or what credit you get or whether ANYONE other than you knows what you're doing -- God knows at the end of any given day whether I've glorified Him, right? If I'm being a servant leader, and equipping those around me (the leaders I serve under as well as folks that look "up" to me for guidance), then I'm doing what I'm called to do, and that IS leadership, right?

My brain is on overload tonight. God, give me wisdom and discernment to tell which of these messages in my head are from you and which are NOT from you, but rather messages that are trying to knock me off track. Is this You, sending me a message on humility, or is this the enemy sending me a message about a lack of value or need for power/authority? Maybe both are going on at the same time...the tension is thick and the balance is hard to find.