Now, I've learned over time to deal with this fear and that the view is always worth a bit of trepidation, and I have really enjoyed visits to the Hancock Center in Chicago and the Empire State Building in New York City. Each time, I focus on looking outward and upward rather than downward, and I do just fine. That's where the better view is anyway, right?
I was thinking about this fear of "looking down" today and its a strong analog for my life the past year.
A year ago this week, I got fired. From a job that I thought I was pretty good at. I thought I was adding a lot of value. I thought I was pretty indispensable. But, obviously, not everyone agreed with me. My ego took at hit, certainly.
Deep down, I knew I'd be okay. I knew that it was really for the better since I wasn't learning and growing the way I need to in order to stay motivated and energized and engaged in a job.
But, losing my job while in the middle of a divorce, while sitting on a house that I couldn't sell without paying a LOT of money to close the gap between what was owed and what the market would allow it to sell for, while grieving that I had moved my dad 400 miles away because I had to admit that I just couldn't take care of him anymore...well, that was kinda the last thing I thought I needed...
Today, a year later, I'm thrilled to be scaling up a young company that seems to be starting to hit its stride. I'm renting an adorable cape cod that's just the right size for me and the kids. I'm healing from a painful marriage and divorce. The kids are adjusting and have made some new friends in their new school district. I have friends...real friends and I'm making new ones, too. I'm closer to broke than I've been in my adult life, but each month I make the bills and am able to have some fun with the kids.
And, most days, I look upward and outward, and don't allow myself to look down. I've developed a trust in God and His provision that I never could have understood a year ago. How He loves me. How He provides for me. How He's designed and gifted me. How His is the most perfect, pure, unconditional love.
But, today, I looked down.
I do it every so often...and I get scared. Like, really scared.
I feel alone. Tired. Unworthy of ever being loved or taken care of by anyone. Convinced that I will always be on my own. I feel the weight of the financial responsibility for my kids. And the sinking feeling that I simply won't have enough money to pay for braces, college, my own health care expenses and insurance, clothes for the kids, experiences for the kids. And the condemnation of feeling that I won't have enough time or energy to give my best to the long list of things that I pressure myself to give my best to each day.
But, the beautiful thing about this trust that I've grown over the past year is that whenever I look down and start to fear, God gently reminds me -- through the comforting hug from a friend; Anthony's laughter; Dominick's maturity and responsibility; the sparkle in Lanie's eyes; the warmth of the sun; the excitement of a prospective client; the gratefulness of a young leader that I was able to mentor -- that He's got my back. That I'm on the exact journey that He designed me to be on. And, that I have more than enough to survive. In fact, He delights in the strength and conviction and courage and passion that I'm tapping into and that propel me forward every day.
And, I'm reminded to look upward and outward, because He's not going to let me fall...
Amen to that.
picture from flickr creative commons: tentonipete
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