So, last week I did something really stupid. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice it to say that it was dumb, and I knew it was, and I did it anyway. And, almost instantly I regretted it. It was not glorifying to God, or to my family or to my co-workers...just overall reproachful! Anyway, as I was beating myself up over it this weekend, realizing that I needed to confess to a few folks that witnessed my behavior, I was feeling pretty crappy about myself...and in the midst of all that, I had the most amazing dream Saturday night...
In my dream, I was pregnant...a little hand and foot were pressing against the skin of my belly -- like the baby was full term and ready to be born and trying to push his way out. It was so real...I could almost feel the pressure from those little limbs. I woke up wondering what it meant, and headed to church...
Tim gave a message on how God wants to use us to bring life to the world. He talked about how we're all "impregnated" by God -- not to be weird or gross, but really that he's placed life in us and wants us to birth it and nurture it in the world. (Pretty good message...check out VWS and download the podcast if you'd like).
I realized that, even through my crap and stupidity, God still wants to use me. He forgives me before I forgive myself. He was trying to tell me through my dream and then through that message on Sunday morning that He's given me a life and purpose to bring into the world!
I was reflecting this week on Romans 7 -- probably trying to punish myself a bit more...in vs. 15-24, Paul talks about the craziness of humanity where we find ourselves doing stupid things that we know are wrong, that we don't want to do, but we do them anyway. And, avoiding things we should be doing that are good...and how wretched we are. Interestingly, I remembered much of the language of this passage, but I didn't realize the ending...and the beginning of Chapter 8..."Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!...Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."
So, I'm working on forgiving myself by trying to birth and nurture life, and live out the purposes He's called me to for the moment...and realizing that I can learn through my mistakes and imperfections and hopefully leverage them to make me a better, more humble leader and follower...
2 comments:
Great post, Ann. We are so hard on ourselves. Harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else. If we could just stop and realize this is Satan trying to distract us and steal our joy. And when I think about how much God loves us and as you said forgives us before we forgive ourselves, it blows my mind. Forgiven and forgotten, what an example we have to follow.
Is it wrong that I want so badly to know what you did? Teehee.
Just remember that God's tone of voice is loving, and gentle - the voice of the enemy is condemning and accusatory.
A still small voice in the midst of chaos and noise is hard to hear most times...but it's possible.
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