Things I never do...

So, I've made it through the week! Nick comes home from Honduras tomorrow, and I've been reflective tonight about all the things the week has entailed. Here are just a few of the things that I almost NEVER do that I've done this week while Nick's been gone...

• Killed three wasps in our bathroom (where the heck do those things even come from?)
• Took out the trash and the recycling bin
• Cleaned the whole house -- Vacuumed and swiffed the floors (Nick's two favorite chores!); and dusted, which neither of us likes to do very often
  
• Cleaned the cat litter pans (actually, I haven't done this yet, but it's on my list to do tomorrow before he gets home)
• Packed Dominick's lunch for him everyday -- not because he can't do it himself, but just because...
• Planted some flowers in the yard
• Swept out the garage
  
• Took the kids to the bus stop
• Took Coco for a few walks
• Took the kids to get ice cream
• Watched TV much less and read/reflected/prayed much more often
  
• Cooked dinner...like 4 times!!!! Seriously, this is big...I made chicken noodle soup one night (NOT from a can!); I fried some chicken tonight (will never do that again...what a mess!); made tuna casserole one night, etc...
• Ate more fruits and veggies (weird, huh!?...but, I think I know why, and it's too deep for tonight's blogpost...)
• Cried...a lot...not just because I missed him, but because it was probably the most difficult and painful week I've had at Seek in the past two years...again, too much for tonight's post...
• Asked for help -- when the garage door got stuck and when I needed to go to the grocery and Anthony was sleepy and cranky
  
• Went into work late and left early, without stressing out about it
  
• Painted my toenails
  
• Went shopping for myself

I also did some not-so-great things...like staying up late into the night working (multiple nights); screaming at the kids (once on the way home from Dominick's soccer game when they just would not stop fighting in the car), and playing around on facebook much more than anyone should ever play around on facebook...

But, here's the really big thing...

I spent all this time this week coming up with things that I could do to show Nick how much I love him.

I spent all this time this week thinking about how much I love him, and need him and want him.

Everyone that asked got an earful about how great he is...and how brave he is to take this trip...and what an example he is for the kids...and what a great leader he is for this family.

And, eating better, painting my toenails, relaxing about work, treating myself a bit, just being "here" with the kids, talking great about him...these are the things that communicate my love.

So, why don't I do them more often? Why don't I sit around dreaming about how to show him my love when he's here?

Wow...God has just rocked my world this week. I'm so blessed and humbled.

So, tomorrow night, I'm going to put on a skirt, and makeup, and maybe even some perfume and take myself and my painted toenails to the airport and pick up my husband...

I hope he recognizes me!

Taking care of "stuff"

So, Nick left yesterday for Honduras, and I've been on my own with the kids for almost 48 hours now. To most moms, this would not be a big deal, I imagine.

But, as Dominick seems quite fond on reminding me the past two days, I'm not a "normal mom."

I am the one that usually goes on "trips," according to the kids. (This is, in fact, quite true.) So, me being home with them each night, fixing dinner, taking them to practices, getting them ready for school and onto the bus -- it's all stuff I'm not as practiced at as Nick is...

Lanie and Anthony seem quite content with how things have been going these couple of days, but Dominick believes that there is "important stuff" that I'm just not taking care of...hmmm...

Tonight, as I was putting the kids in bed, Lanie and Dominick and I prayed together for Nick. (Anthony was already asleep). Lanie's prayer was so sweet...it went something like this:

"Dear Jesus, please take care of Daddy and help him to remember, that even though we're really far away from him, that we love him and miss him. Please help us to have fun and do okay while he's gone. Please protect him and bring him home safely."

Nice.

Sweet.

No sideways comments about my mothering this week...

Then, it was Dominick's turn...

"Dear God, please help us. We know that Mom is usually the one that goes on trips, and Dad takes care of things for us. Please help us with the hole that we have since Dad isn't here to take care of stuff for us. That's it. Amen."

Um...so, what "stuff" am I not taking care of? I asked him this question, and if he was worried about something not getting taken care of. He seemed worried, but unable to describe the gaping hole in "things that need to be taken care of."

In any case, I am certainly appreciating what it feels like to be a single parent, and know that this experience will help me to appreciate and empathize with Nick when I do have to travel...and hopefully the kids will survive the rest of our week. By the tone of Dominick's blog, it'll be a miracle if we survive. ;-)

Joy and Sadness...

A few years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night, by a crystal clear voice telling me "You are going to die."

Mind you, there was no-one awake in our house at the time. Nick was sleeping soundly next to me, and the kids were comfy in their beds.

Still, the voice in my head was perfectly clear...and tenacious...

"You are going to die."

I protested, pled, bargained. At some point during this interaction, I realized that the voice was God's, and for awhile (longer than was reasonable, probably), I fought with Him.

Finally, I caved in. "Okay," I rationed, "I'm going to die. When?"

"Someday." The voice answered me.

"Um...could you provide a little more detail please...???"

"No, but do you see that man lying next to you?"

"Yes, of course...he's snoring and taking up more than his half of the bed..."

"Yes...He is the one I made for you.
Are you treating him that way?
You are going to die someday...will he know that you knew that he was the man for you?"

Ouch...

and

Wow...

What an amazing message from God that night.

Honestly, since that night over 6 years ago, that one vision/message has kept me going some days.

Marriage is hard work.

But, today, I'm reaping an amazing reward.

Nick is heading tomorrow on an adventure. To Honduras. On a mission trip. Six years ago, this would not have been something that he would have ever considered.

But, the man he is today is a transformed version of who he was then. I've always been humbled by his honesty and pragmatic approach to life. Such an amazing foil to my incessant strategic "what if" planning mindset...

And, in past year or so, he's pretty much 'lapped me' in the journey of spiritual growth, and this trip represents a key point in his journey with God.

I'm joyful and excited for him...and, almost surprisingly, a bit sad.

I can hardly imagine a whole week without him here. He'll be gone in about 6 hours, and I'm a mess...seriously...crying off and on all day today...trying to be brave and not let on that I'm not sure how to survive without him here...

And, I'm realizing that this trip is just as much about him finding whatever God has for him there, as it is about me more fully understanding the depth of this love that God has given me for him...

So, here's to a week of learning for both of us, from thousands of miles away from each other.

I hope you'll pray for both of us this week...

I have a theory

I have a theory...maybe I'm not the first person to think of this -- in fact, I'm pretty sure that someone else much smarter and more self-actualized has probably thought a lot more about this than I have, but here's my theory...

My theory is that some of the most potentially powerful people for the kingdom of God are the ones who are currently stuck in the worst situations.

The woman who has been beaten black and blue by a husband who's ravaged with rage deep inside him,

and the husband who is beating her.

The sanitation worker who took the only job he could find so that he could pay the bills, but is eternally unchallenged and bored with his job.

The prisoner who embezzeled thousands of dollars from his company.

The child in Africa, who suffers from malaria, can't seem to get any clean water to drink, and doesn't understand how to process the big dreams that race through her mind.

When I reflect on this theory, I wonder why there is no evil force putting inexplicable effort into keeping me down...or maybe there is, but why am I so fortunate to be able to join God in the work I see him doing? How much more powerful are these folks that I see everyday who aren't as fortunate as I am?

See, if God knows about the power and vision he has for each of his children, I'm quite convinced that satan knows about it, too...and he (satan) pours out a lot of energy to keep these folks from living out what God has designed them to do...doesn't this make sense? Think about the countless "celebrities" who aren't using their fame and fortune for good...and then, think of the ones that are using it for good...God designed us all for kingdom purposes, but even those of us that are trying to pursue it potentially never realize the impact that God wants to make through us.

Can you imagine a world where folks lived out their unique design for good? Here's a woman who really "gets" this...This young woman and her work is an inspiration to me. Even more, though, I'm inspired by the guys that her organization "sets free."

Next time you encounter someone who is beaten down, unable to "make it,", seemingly trapped by addiction or rage or bad decisions, think about it...

What did God really design that person for?

Is it really so hard to believe that it was for a good and noble and really important kingdom purpose?

Kids are amazing

I've told you about Dominick before...quite an amazing young man.

For a few weeks, Dominick has been asking me if he could start his own blog.

So, last weekend, we started a blog for him. Check it out!

I've always been impressed by Dominick's maturity, intelligence, focus and passion. But, nothing quite compares to reading his authentic, raw thoughts -- the ones that he feels he must share via his blog.

God is so good to Nick and I. So often, we realize the gaps in our parenting. And then, we remember...God is the ultimate parent, and He can close every gap. Thank you, God, for such an awesome kid!

Great Expectations

This morning I went with my reset group to the prayer experience at Crossroads.

Even before I left this morning, I had been thinking about expectations.

More honestly, I was angry.

I've had a rough week or two. Mostly because I have allowed myself to be driven by, motivated by, and then frustrated by my perception of what other people expect from me.

Now, to be clear, I didn't reach that level of self-awareness about what was going on until wrestling this with God today.

See, I was angry because I just knew that people have unrealistic expectations of me. How dare they expect me to do, or fix, or say, or be whatever they are expecting me to do, fix, say or be? It's just not realistic to be so perfect, prescient, present...to have super powers that allow me to fix every problem immediately -- before it happens, preferably; to be three places at once; to know every detail of every situation going on around me and empathize with everyone's situation -- and find a solution that makes everyone happy.

Clearly, these people have a problem.

I should just tell them how ridiculous they are being. How they should know better. How they should think about all the things going on in my life and be a bit more empathetic and reasonable. How they should recognize and affirm how much I really am doing.

Even as I write this, it all looks so obvious, and yet, it took a while to see the flaw in my own logic and, even more, in my own heart on this topic.

How high are my expectation of others that they should know how I'm feeling without me saying anything about it? Maybe my expectations are the ones that are too high here.

This is all just a big mess. People have expectations of each other...and guess what? We'll never live up to each others expectations...and, more importantly, I realized this morning, I'll never live up to my own expectations of myself (sadly, I have to admit that, if I look at my life, it would tell me that I expect myself to be perfect, omni-present, all-knowing, merciful, yet convicting, etc...ummm, that sounds a bit lofty, don't you think?)

So, if I can't live up to my own expectations, or yours, what am I to do...

Here's what I heard this morning as I was praying...

First, let go of what I think others expect of me. I've made too many assumptions here, and even if they do expect the impossible, it's not my job to please everyone.

Second, recognize that God simply expects me to be me. Not to be Him. That's His job.

Third, maybe this quest for pleasing people by being so perfect is actually part of what makes me seem "intimidating"...

So, I'm going to jump into this messiness of being okay with me, even if I sense that people aren't so happy with me...

I'll let you know how it goes...

A big misunderstanding

When I was growing up, we observed "lent." As I understood it, I had to "give something up" -- something I really, really liked. Giving this thing up would remind me of the sacrifice Jesus made for me, and when he spent 40 days in the desert praying and fasting and being tempted to walk away from the path his father had sent him on.

Most years, I gave up candy. Someone once told me about a "loophole" to this lenten rule that said that you had to give up your "thing" all week, but on Sunday, you could have the day off (you know, it's the 'sabbath')...

Each year, I could hardly wait til Easter Sunday, when I could finally enjoy the thing I had given up.

In recent years, as I've ventured farther from religious rules and more into a relationship with Jesus, I've purposely avoided the whole topic of lent...it just didn't make sense to me...it felt like a big "group fast" -- and folks seem to be so interested in comparing notes..."what did you give up this year? I gave up chocolate." "I gave up coffee." I gave up cussing."

This year, once again, I've avoided it.

But, oddly, it's been on my heart...and as I've pressed into it, I think I have a new understanding of the whole thing...

In Luke 4, when Jesus goes into the desert for 40 days, he's tempted with all kinds of great stuff -- power, money, fame, safety...and he resists, and he leans on his father to get him through it. At the end of all the temptation, the Bible says that the devil finished his temptation and left Jesus...

This has me thinking...

What if giving up something is not about me remembering what Jesus did for me? What if its really about me letting myself rely on God to resist stuff that I ought to be resisting anyway. And, what if I hear from Him more clearly because I'm relying on him instead of some other thing (habit, food, drink, whatever) that I'm probably way too reliant on? What if it's really about building up my faith and ability to resist evil?

So, I know I've missed half the "season," but I'm gonna give it a whirl and give something up.

I don't need to tell you what it is...that's between me and God...

I believe if I do this with the right intentions in my heart, He'll actually reveal something to me -- so, by giving something up, I'll get something else in return...probably something much more beneficial to my heart.

So, I'm going to lean on Him, and listen for Him and ask Him what He wants to reveal to me while I'm fasting from this "earthly pleasure."

Please don't tell me what you're "giving up" for lent...but I'd love to know what you are GETTING during lent...care to share?