Belief > Hope

A year ago today, I made a choice.

It was a choice I had been trying to make for several years.

A year ago, a glimmer of hope shown through darkness and made me think maybe, just maybe my life could be different. Maybe I was worth so more than I had come to believe I was. Maybe I was born with destiny. Maybe my story wasn't anywhere near complete. Maybe the dreams and visions I had for so many years were shown to me for a reason. And, maybe I could re-discover who I was and teach my kids about being brave and honest and about following God. Maybe, if I took this step, the next one would be clearer.

I couldn't have imagined what I'd go through this year. So many chains broken and so much freedom discovered.

In hindsight, relationships that were standing between me and God are gone. Old "truths" about who I was fell away, replaced with evidence of God's truth.

Throughout the year, hope has come and gone and come again.

Over the past several weeks, I'd been asking God to give me hope in abundance. Selfishly, I asked Him for proof that Hope is Alive. And, as He does, He showed up in the most unexpected ways...

First, a vivid dream...I won't get into it since some of you will think I'm nutty (some of you already know I'm a bit of a Jesus freak)...but, there was a sailboat (I'm the sailboat here), it gets nearly capsized by a powerful, fresh wind; rightsizes and begins a journey of purpose, speed and direction that it never expected. As I've prayed into it, it's clear to me that He's got a plan for me...

Then, a random email encounter with a real man of God. A man that I'll probably never meet, but who wrote of God's definition of marriage and man.

Finally, an invitation to dance and socialize with three couples that I really don't know well at all. Against my nature, I accepted the invite. Throughout the evening, an unexpected gift: I saw couples who love and touch and dance and laugh and genuinely enjoy each other.

Cowardly confession: I still only had hope that I was worth a different life; that society hadn't eroded the courage and conviction of 99.9% of men; and that love can last.

Today, it hit me. Hope is great, but I'm ready to move beyond hope.

I'm making a choice today.

I'm choosing belief over hope.

See, hope is beautiful, but is always clouded with a mist of "maybe." For me, that's driven by the voice I battle that says I'm not worth whatever I'm hoping for. And the pessimism that creeps into my heart from time to time that people just don't fight for others -- let alone themselves...it's just too easy to give in to fear and insecurity and mediocrity.

But, belief is hope with conviction.

Belief says "I know" this is going to happen. I know my life will be different. Not that my life can be different, but that it will be different. That my story will be amazing. That I am worth more to my Father than I can ever imagine."

It's a bold choice. It would be easier to stick with hope. But, I will choose belief, and I will ask my friends to hold me to it. And I will start living differently today because of the choice.

Will you join me?

a better story

"We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn't mean anything and that humanity has no great purpose. It's a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder. How grateful we are to hear these stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them." - Donald Miller, from "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years"

I didn't want to finish this book. I stalled and read just a few pages at a time...it was that good...I just didn't want it to end.

Never has a book read me like this one did -- at this very moment in my life.

This moment of transformation. Hope. Belief that I can have a better story. Embracing that I'm worthy of a better story. Serious, difficult, chain-breaking honesty with myself. Learning to walk on the right side of the line that divides self-deprecating levels of humility from fully embracing the glory of who I was created to be and the story I was created to live and tell; and the countless stories I was created to intersect and inspire.

You and I were created to live an amazing story. There are so many opportunities right in front of us, every day. Beauty that we can choose to appreciate or rush by. Risks we can embrace or shy away from. Relationships we can initiate and invest in or keep at arm's length. Hurt and shame we can leave behind or choose to hold onto.

I'm starting small, but committing myself to making little steps every day...each of these are new habits for me...so, it's a risk to break my routine, which I've recently realized I was really attached to...something about when your routine gets thrown out the window and you have no choice but to embrace each moment...

• Run. Already blogged about this one...
• Enjoy decorating my house -- even though I know I probably won't stay in this house very long, I really like to decorate and I want my space to reflect who I am...so, instead of rationalizing why I shouldn't invest the time or money, I'm going to enjoy it.
• Laugh with my kids. I'm working hard to be "present" with my kids. To close the computer and put down the iphone and really listen when they talk. Giggle with them when they are silly at the dinner table.
• Ask for help. Reaching out to friends to ask for help and offer to help. Share my pain and sadness and fear; and my victories and accomplishments and celebrations. I don't have to do it all myself.
• Choose hope. My friend, Ali, models this really well. Fear and loneliness and self-pity pull strongly, but hope is stronger, when I choose to allow it to be.

There are more to come...but for now, READ THIS BOOK. Please. Start living a better story. If you're reading this, welcome to my story...I want to hear your story. I want to learn from you and marvel at whatever inspiration or idea or insight comes from the intersection of your story with mine. Are you ready to start living a better story?