Looking in the mirror -- Part 1

We just started a new series at VWS called "A look in the mirror." Its about taking an honest look at ourselves and seeing whatever God wants to reveal, convict, affirm in each of us.

One area I've been looking at for myself lately is around my "need" for "stuff." Tonight, as I was praying and asking God to reveal things to me that get in the way of doing His work, He reminded me of this area. Then, as I was reading through some scripture (I'm just going through the New Testament, and I've just started in 1 John), I read:

" The world and all its desires pass away, but the person who does the will of God lives forever." 1John 2:17

God and I have been working on this one for awhile now...

About 2.5 years ago (wow, can't believe it's been that long already), I left P&G. About a year before that, we bought a house on the Westside of Cincinnati and moved our family over here to help start VWS.

It is a gorgeous house.

It is a big house.

It has lots of bells and whistles. (well, not literally, but it has lots of little and big extras).

When we bought it, it was definitely a "God thing" -- pieces falling into place in weird ways...I won't go into details, but I do believe that we are in the house that God wanted us to buy at the time.

But, over the past two years or so, we've begun to feel like maybe we shouldn't be in this house.

Maybe it's too big. Too gorgeous. Too much.

We don't make nearly as much money as we did when I was at P&G. And, honestly, we shouldn't be spending nearly so much on a mortgage payment as we are right now.

Truth is, we've got a LOT of nice stuff.

Harder truth is, as we've acquired all of this nice stuff, our lives have become more and more complicated and less and less focused on what really matters.

To be brutally clear, MY life has been less and less focused.

So, for the past two years, I've been quietly praying into this feeling. Half-asking God to will me and Nick to do what He wants us to with His money and with our family. Nick has been praying this too, only we didn't admit it to each other!

Slowly, ever so slowly, the reasons we had for staying in the house began to seem so illogical.

- The hassle of moving again
- Where would we put all of our furniture and "stuff"
- I like my double ovens
- We like our 3-car garage
- We need a kitchen island the size of our first apartment

And now, we're at a place where God has so willed us to want to get out of this house that we can hardly wait to get it sold.

And then, comes the harder part...He's willed us to let go of the house, and now we have to wait on His timing.

But, even through all of this, if I REALLY look in the mirror on this one, here's the hardest thing for me to admit...

I'm embarrassed that I live in such opulence.

I don't want people to know.

If they see the house, I explain how we got such a great deal on it and that we never would have bought it if it wouldn't have been a foreclosure, and that we never would have built something with so much "stuff" in it.

I am forcing myself to write this down...it hurts...

I don't want to tell you that I live in a house that is worth about $700K and currently on the market for a cool $599K.

I think you'll judge me. You'll say I'm 'rich' and therefore must not be after God's heart. You'll say that I value "stuff" more than God or my family. That I pursue work that keeps me away from home too many nights on business trips just to pay a mortgage, and that if I had my priorities straight, I'd make different choices.

And, you'd be right...at least in part.

I am rich. I do value stuff -- way more than I should.

But, where you'd be wrong is that I am chasing hard after God's heart for me, for my life. Standing next to Nick and fighting against everything that is getting in our way of doing what God wants us to do with what He has blessed us with.

So, the house is on the market.

We are ready to let go.

Three months it's been on the market. No one has even looked at it. Tomorrow, someone is coming to look.

Father God, help us to be patient and wait on your timing, and honor our desire to chase after you more than we chase after stuff. Thank you for willing us to want to steward your money differently. We will wait on You and Your will in humility and anticipation...and really hope that the buyer is coming tomorrow!!!

The heart is working too hard

My father, Paul Gordon Lauer, was born in 1938.

At the age of 3, he was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Essentially, for those of you that don't know, in Type 1 Diabetes, the pancreas stops making insulin. The patient must take insulin in order to regulate blood sugar, or major complications can set in. In the early 40s, there was no way for patients to take insulin, so my grandparents did their best to control my Dad's diet to help control his blood sugar.

By age 23, complications began to set in, even though medication and some treatment had become available. My father lost sight in both of his eyes.

At age 30, he met and fell in love with my mother and they were married.

At age 32, he suffered stroke. The same week, he and my mother found out they were expecting a baby, and then he suffered a heart attack.

He survived, and early the following year, I was born.

A few weeks after I was born, his kidneys began to fail, and he started receiving dialysis treatment.

In July, 1971, only 3.5 months after I was born, while receiving dialysis, my father suffered a massive coronary and died.

Some other time, I'll comment on how amazing my mother is and how strong she must have been, and the amazing bond that she and I have, likely because it was "just us" for a year or so before she re-married...

But, for now...

I taught this past Sunday at church.

First time.

And, I told the story of my father.

I told the story because I realized that it had something to teach me about the body of Christ -- the Church.

In 1 Corinthians, we read:

14Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. 15If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 16And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 17If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? 18But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. 19If they were all one part, where would the body be? 20As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

21The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" 22On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

27Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

My dad's story illustrates what happens when certain parts of the body aren't doing their jobs. First, his pancreas didn't work, so his kidneys tried to make up for it.

They tried and tried, and eventually couldn't do it.

Not their fault.

They weren't designed to do what the pancreas does.

Then, his heart tried to make up for the kidneys and the pancreas.

But, clearly, it wasn't made to do the same things as the pancreas or kidneys.

It tried and tried, but eventually couldn't do it...

Isn't this how the Church body works -- or rather, how it doesn't work? A few parts trying to make up for the fact that the others aren't doing their jobs?

I'm convinced its because people don't understand three things:

• Each of us is amazingly unique
• Each of us is gifted for a purpose
• Each of us is desperately needed

Understanding my own uniqueness, purpose and value has been a journey for me, but embracing the truth of my design has changed my life for the better in innumerable ways.

God's plan involves all of us. When we're doing what we've been designed to do, we are fully living -- just as God intended for us!

I love being part of a church body that is working to help people understand these truths.

Thank you, God, for revealing new truth from my father's story.

How to be Intimidating: Part 2

So, if you just googled "how to be intimidating" or "what makes a person intimidating" and you've found this blog, welcome!

I have an idea for you...if you're looking to really be intimidating...

People are intimidated by those that have confidence in themselves.

You need to be confident in yourself...you can try to fake it, but that only lasts so long before you break down and just realize that you're not much of anything on your own.

We're all so messed up...what I mean is, everyone, every person is messed up in their own way or ways.

But, there is hope!

If you want to be confident, you have to know that you are loved and accepted no matter who you are and how messed up you are.

Jesus loves you. Y O U. Receive it. Seriously. Go read a Bible...start in the back half -- the new Testament, and read the story of what He did for you.

Then, you'll know. And, you won't need to be intimidating anymore.

Intimidation doesn't win...

Love wins.

(I originally posted several months ago about a search I was doing to try to understand how to NOT be so intimidating to people, and instead I found all kinds of advice on the web about how TO be intimidating. I blogged about it. It's gotten traffic. So, I figured, if you are reading my blog to learn how to be intimidating, I should share with you why I was searching to find ways to NOT be intimidating...)

Take a deep breath...

I'm having one of "those" weeks...

Every once in awhile, I have something close to a panic attack when I look at my calendar and a growing list of things "to do" and have that sinking, awful realization that I am certainly forgetting several really important things I need to do...

It happened this afternoon.

My work schedule has been busier than normal.

As I get more and more into my role at VWS, there is more and more to do.

School starts soon, and that means appointments, supplies, open houses, registration paperwork, clothes and shoes, new backpacks, etc, etc, etc.

Soccer practice is ramping up for both Dominick and Lanie.

The house is on the market, and Nick and I seem to be doing a lot of paperwork and upkeep to keep it presentable for whenever that one perfect buyer comes along.

And, I'm neglecting the things I shouldn't neglect...

• Staying in the word -- reading scripture daily keeps me centered...why is it one of the first things I let go of when things get crazy like this?
• Caring for Nick and the kids -- somehow they get the brunt of my frustration and anxiety, as I stomp around feeling sorry for myself.
• Caring for myself -- exercise is always a challenge, but it's about 9pm, and I just realized I haven't eaten dinner...which means I'll probably end up eating something not-so-healthy and much too late.
• Sleep -- late to bed and early to rise...trying to fit it all in.
• Friends -- I'm already fighting the logical solution to give up time with my girlfriends in order to accommodate soccer practices and time at home.

So, I'm going to try to set some boundaries for the amount of time I spend on work stuff and not neglect the things that I know keep me healthy and sane...and keep taking deep breaths...

A random cure for writer's block

I've been suffering lately from reverse-writer's block...a few too many things on my mind...too hard to decide what to write about.

So, I thought I'd dump a few random thoughts so I can just get over the block and back to writing again...

Random thought/musing #1
I signed up for google analytics. Its a service (FREE!) from google that will analyze where your blog traffic is coming from. Pretty interesting to see where you are all reading from! But, here's something quite surprising to me...the biggest single post that has gotten a lot of traffic in the past week is the one titled "How to Be Intimidating." This was a post I wrote a while back, and it was part of my exploration about how NOT to be intimidating. In fact, if you search on google for "how to be intimidating," that blog post shows up -- as the TOP hit! Now, the good news is that if folks hit my blog thinking they're going to read about how to be intimidating, they get just the opposite; the bad news is that lots of people are searching google for help to be more intimidating! Does this bother anyone but me?

Random thought/musing #2
Anthony and I have a little ritual when I'm tucking him in at night. After we read, pray and sing a song, he always has to have a "no-kiss hug." It's a hug, without a kiss. He loves it. For months, he's been anti-kiss from mom. But in the past couple of weeks, he started asking for a kiss and asking to give me a kiss after the no-kiss hug. How sweet is he!?

Random thought/musing #3
Lanie is about to turn 8. Her newest pastime is listening to Taylor Swift. Every time I see her singing along with the words to those cute puppy-love tunes, I can't help by stare at her and realize how quickly being a little girl goes by...When I was 8, I had my first real crush...my neighbor's nephew Dennis. We held hands and hugged in the garage of his aunt and uncle's house, and we ate popcorn with melted butter while we watched movies. It was dreamy. When he sat next to me, I felt all tingly. Can she really be the same age as I was then!?

Random thought/musing #4
Dominick has a best friend. I love watching them hang out together. They stay up late on sleep-over nights and giggle. They skipped through Kroger together today. He's getting to the age where he'll start to tell Nate things that he doesn't tell me...(can you tell I'm feeling a bit reminiscent today?) I'm equal parts excited for him that he has such a great friend, and sad that I'm being replaced as his confidante...

Random thought/musing #5 (this one's for the girls only)
What is up with Victoria's Secret underwear? Every time I buy a new batch, I buy a 5 pairs in the same size and same "style"... but every single one fits totally differently once I wear them. Now, certainly there are times during the month where I might expect them to fit a bit differently, but that does not nearly explain the dramatic difference in the size and cut from one pair to another. Am I the only one this happens to? Maybe I'm too old for Victoria's Secret...

Random thought/musing #6 (last one for today...)
I'm excited about seeing old friends lately. I blogged about my friends Julie and Jill a few weeks ago, and got to see them each quite recently over lunches. It was great to laugh and remember and share with each other. Tomorrow, I get to see an old friend, Jason, who I haven't seen in probably about 3 years. And, last night, we ran into an old friend at Dave & Buster's...I'm getting good practice for my HS reunion, which is coming up in a few weeks!

Okay...I feel better now. Hopefully back to less scattered thinking over the next week or so...

This ain't your mama's church...

Growing up, church...

...was a place I went on Sundays.

...was a building.

...smelled a little "funny."

...was predictable.

...was about my religion.

...never seemed to go fast enough (except for the one guy we called "Father Fast Mass"...we loved him!).

...didn't mean much to me.

...was an obligation.



These days, church...

...is a community of people.

...challenges me to grow.

...is a gift.

...is so meaningful to me.

...is something I look forward to.

...smells pretty good (I think it's the coffee!)

...is about my relationships.

I've been reading through Hebrews this week and reflecting a lot on what church really is. What priesthood really means. What I had to learn and un-learn as I began to develop a relationship with Jesus and real community with others.

How has your definition of church changed over time? What is your definition of church?

Spaghetti Logic

I've been thinking a lot about spaghetti lately.

Probably one of my favorite meals as a kid; and now, as a mom, I know why my mother made it once a week -- it's sooooo easy to make!

But, that's not what I've been thinking about.

A few years ago, there was a guy that worked in my group at P&G. He is a mathematical GENIUS. Seriously. Crazy smart. His job was to create and then maintain a highly complex statistical model for predicting how much "stuff" people would buy. He worked with another guy in my group who was even smarter. Smarter guy once tried to explain to me how smart guy created mathematical models. He called it spaghetti logic. Each equation had a beginning and an end, but they wound around all over the place getting from A to Z. They intersected each other in important, although seemingly inconsequential and unplanned ways. And, in order for the spaghetti logic to work, because the model was complex, there had to be multiple strands of spaghetti mixed in together...



Really, I've been thinking a lot about spaghetti logic lately.

Hang with me, if I haven't lost you yet...

I think life is like spaghetti logic...

When I was in high school, I met this girl named Julie. I was new at school, and Julie was so nice to me. She hung out with me between classes, and we became friends. One week, she invited me to go with her to a church youth group volleyball game. This was very strange to me. Playing volleyball with kids from church? This sort of thing just did not happen at my traditional Catholic church. I was a little worried they'd all be a bunch of "Jesus freaks." But, Julie was fun, and pretty normal from what I could tell, so I went. My mom took me to Julie's house, where her dad was going to take us to the volleyball game. I didn't quite know what to think of her dad. Bruce was so..."there." He actually seemed interested in talking to me, getting to know me. He smiled and paid attention when I talked and actually seemed to like what I said. (At this point in my life, having a conversation that did not dissolve into tears or screaming with a father figure was pretty foreign to me.)

Anyway, we went to the volleyball game, and I remember not really being sure what to expect at all, but, having a great time playing. Julie was a great hostess and never left me feeling alone or awkward about being a "stranger" among the youth group. Toward the end of the evening, I remember a guy getting up on a stage -- maybe he was a pastor or the youth leader, I'm not sure -- but I remember him talking to us about Jesus. Did we want to have a relationship with Jesus, he asked...

Hmmmm...this was puzzling to me. "Sure," I thought, "who wouldn't want that." I knew Jesus -- sang to him on Sundays and often had to fight back tears when I was singing...never could understand why that was happening (that's another section of the long piece of spaghetti that is my life...more on that later, maybe). "If you want to have a relationship with Jesus, pray with me..." He said. And then he went on to lead us to pray for Jesus to be front and center in our lives. I prayed with him that night. I think it was the first time that I ever really prayed that way. Fireworks didn't go off, and I didn't tell anyone that I had prayed that prayer that night.

Months went by, and Julie and I drifted apart. I had more "important" things to do like chase boys and work and over-achieve and life got crazy. I still talked to Jesus every day, but spent many, many years fairly lost and confused.

Years later, I met a wonderful woman named Jill. She worked with me at P&G. She was a few years older; I was expecting my first baby, and she had 3 kids already. She seemed to have her priorities right and seemed to know what she wanted to teach her kids about Jesus and God -- something I had been thinking a lot about since I became pregnant. Eventually, Jill led me to Vineyard Community Church, where I found Jesus again and began a life that has become increasingly more abundant with each passing year.

The same year I met Jill, I had met a guy named Tim at P&G, almost in passing, since he left P&G shortly after we met. A year later, Tim and I worked together on a project. A year later, Tim and I were friends, and were getting together with our spouses and a few others in a small group. A year later, Tim asked me into leadership in some of the work he was doing at VCC. Several years later, Nick and I picked up our life and moved to the Westside of Cincinnati for this crazy little church plant called Vineyard Westside where Tim is the Senior Pastor. A year later, I quit P&G to take a job at Seek, because I was convinced that God had something in store for me. A year later, I joined the leadership team of VWS. A year later, we're selling our house to steward our money differently and give more of our lives to what God is doing in this world.

Spaghetti logic...twists and turns and intersections that I couldn't possibly understand, anticipate, appreciate or expect. And, I'm realizing, when I let myself be "softened" like a perfectly al dente strand of pasta, God will twist and turn His spaghetti logic in amazing ways.

When I think about the number of twists and turns and intersections and the profound impact they've each had in my life, I'm humbled. It seems, some of the events that initially didn't feel important or significant at all turn out to be major turning points.

Amazingly, I've recently re-connected with Julie (Facebook is awesome!). Her story and her life is an inspiration and a testament to God's faithfulness.

So, next time you meet someone new, ask yourself if maybe God is putting together one big plate of pasta and to help you recognize the logic of why you and this other "strand" are intersecting.