Who I am

A few weeks ago, I was at church for a prayer and worship night. I knew I needed to just be quiet for awhile and let God talk to me a bit. I had asked Him one simple question: who am I?

This is the list of words that I felt like he was giving me...I wrote them down, in the dark of the church as the worship music was playing (hence the messy handwriting):

Redeemed
Released
Refreshed
Free
Given
Touched
Anointed
Planned
Provided
Surrounded
Carried
Held
Becoming
Joy
Treasure
Treasured
Changed

Whoa, right? He really kinda likes me, eh?

Here's the thing...He has had to remind me of these things so often. I so easily let gravity pull me back into other beliefs about myself.

One of the disciplines I've been working on over the past year or so is asking others (including the Big Guy Himself) to give me words to describe me -- not just because I want to hear nice things about myself, but really because I need to re-learn, re-program my beliefs about who I am. Healthy practice...you should try it.

Tonight I needed to re-read a few of these words. This particular list I have tacked to a mirror in my room.

The coward I used to be would look in the mirror to find the flaws. It was the "humble" thing to do, she thought. The recovering coward knows that it takes a brave woman to embrace the good and bad about herself...I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone else...What I mean is, once I embrace the glory of who I am, I have to act on it. I can't hide behind beliefs that I'm not worthy of an extraordinary life. I have to get out and embrace life, change, opportunity. And, that's a whole new habit for me. But, I'm doing it. Every day. (well, just about every day).

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

Coming soon...

a re-launch...

of my blog.

of my life.

Have been busy losing things the past two years: my 16 year marriage, too-big-house, job, several friends (hmmm...maybe they weren't really friends), and several pounds.

Thankfully, through it all, I've gained so so much more...and I want to write about it. Faith. Trust. Boldness. Beauty. Worthiness. Joy. Intimacy. Courage. And freedom, freedom, freedom.

I'm coming back...see you soon, blogworld...

Dear blog

I miss you.

I'm sorry I haven't written.

I am a little bit tired and my hair is messy from wearing too many hats.

I am a little bit road-weary.

I've been reading Acts.

Acts 3:19: Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord

I feel a bit empty, but maybe that's because there is new hope and new desire and new passion on its way...

I have a plan to get refreshed next week...filled back up...inspired...as I pray in anticipation, I am ever more ready to receive...

A look in the mirror part 2: Pursuit

So, I've been a little gun-shy since my last post got so much interesting action on Facebook (you'd never know if you only read this online!)...but this second installment of "Looking in the Mirror" has been on my heart since just after I wrote the last one; a few things have solidified since then, so it's a good time to share.

As I continue to look in the mirror and ask God to reveal things to me that I need to work on, I keep hearing the word "pursuit." While that may seem a bit "generic," as I've prayed about it, it's actually been fairly painful.

Here's what the mirror is revealing about pursuit...

I want to be pursued. Maybe I need to be pursued -- I'm not sure on that yet, since I'm still working through this...

On the surface, that doesn't seem so bad, right?

But, I'm realizing there are things I do in life just so that I will feel wanted, needed, desired, appreciated, respected by other people.

I read a book a few years ago called "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul," The book asserts that all women yearn for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil their own beauty. I picked it up again this week to re-read it, and I was struck by how much more deeply it's "talking to me" this time around.

I've been realizing, and I need to confess, that I've been lured by worldly definitions into being embarrassed about my desire to be pursued -- to be romanced. If I want to be romanced, surely I'm a weak woman, according to the world. I have believed this for too long. I want to be romanced.

Perhaps it's just they way God has made me as a woman.

And, I've worked too hard and tried to be too perfect, smart and accomplished. This pursuit of accomplishment and worldly success and recognition have been my most oft used tools to try to win this elusive romance. I've tried others -- flirting, dieting and exercising to try to achieve some perfect look. But, consistently, the hole is still there in my heart -- that nagging sense that I will never be "enough" to be worthy of being pursued.

All this time, I've been pushing back my very nature, my femininity, in a confused attempt to fulfill what might just be a uniquely feminine desire that only God can fill. How messed up is that!?

Here's a passage from the book that really spoke some truth to my heart:

A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that He finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in Him, she is enough. In fact, the only thing getting in the way of our being fully captivating and enjoyed is our striving.

So, my look in the mirror once showed me my flaws, but when I look again, I'm working on seeing myself as the beautiful, desirable, worthy woman that He sees.

Again, from "Captivating:"

Even though I've "succeeded" in many areas, I've always been ashamed of the absence of my femininity as defined by the world. Asking God what He thought of me as a woman was beyond agonizing. I wrestled with Him right to the end. I knew in my mind He wouldn't be mean, but I was convinced I had failed him miserably in this department...When I finally allowed myself to hear God speak a new name, it was Grace. And the lie of "too much boy and not enough girl" gets shattered in a moment. He crowns me with Grace. He crowns me with love. And I'm satisfied.

I always pray on my way to work. This morning while I was driving to work and praying, I saw the most beautiful sunrise I've seen in some time...actually, the sun was already fairly high in the sky. When I first looked up, it was barely lit and perfectly round, but as I drove, it shone brighter and brighter until I had to fish through my purse for my sunglasses. It felt like God was showing me how brightly and intensely His love burns for me...what a beautiful illustration and evidence of His love for me!

I think I'm going to stop apologizing for my desire to be desirable, and work on reflecting on the evidence that God is pursuing me intently and finds me irreplaceable and worthy.

God, help me to feel how intensely you are pursuing me, how deep and passionate your love is for me, and how worthy I really am of your love.

Looking in the mirror -- Part 1

We just started a new series at VWS called "A look in the mirror." Its about taking an honest look at ourselves and seeing whatever God wants to reveal, convict, affirm in each of us.

One area I've been looking at for myself lately is around my "need" for "stuff." Tonight, as I was praying and asking God to reveal things to me that get in the way of doing His work, He reminded me of this area. Then, as I was reading through some scripture (I'm just going through the New Testament, and I've just started in 1 John), I read:

" The world and all its desires pass away, but the person who does the will of God lives forever." 1John 2:17

God and I have been working on this one for awhile now...

About 2.5 years ago (wow, can't believe it's been that long already), I left P&G. About a year before that, we bought a house on the Westside of Cincinnati and moved our family over here to help start VWS.

It is a gorgeous house.

It is a big house.

It has lots of bells and whistles. (well, not literally, but it has lots of little and big extras).

When we bought it, it was definitely a "God thing" -- pieces falling into place in weird ways...I won't go into details, but I do believe that we are in the house that God wanted us to buy at the time.

But, over the past two years or so, we've begun to feel like maybe we shouldn't be in this house.

Maybe it's too big. Too gorgeous. Too much.

We don't make nearly as much money as we did when I was at P&G. And, honestly, we shouldn't be spending nearly so much on a mortgage payment as we are right now.

Truth is, we've got a LOT of nice stuff.

Harder truth is, as we've acquired all of this nice stuff, our lives have become more and more complicated and less and less focused on what really matters.

To be brutally clear, MY life has been less and less focused.

So, for the past two years, I've been quietly praying into this feeling. Half-asking God to will me and Nick to do what He wants us to with His money and with our family. Nick has been praying this too, only we didn't admit it to each other!

Slowly, ever so slowly, the reasons we had for staying in the house began to seem so illogical.

- The hassle of moving again
- Where would we put all of our furniture and "stuff"
- I like my double ovens
- We like our 3-car garage
- We need a kitchen island the size of our first apartment

And now, we're at a place where God has so willed us to want to get out of this house that we can hardly wait to get it sold.

And then, comes the harder part...He's willed us to let go of the house, and now we have to wait on His timing.

But, even through all of this, if I REALLY look in the mirror on this one, here's the hardest thing for me to admit...

I'm embarrassed that I live in such opulence.

I don't want people to know.

If they see the house, I explain how we got such a great deal on it and that we never would have bought it if it wouldn't have been a foreclosure, and that we never would have built something with so much "stuff" in it.

I am forcing myself to write this down...it hurts...

I don't want to tell you that I live in a house that is worth about $700K and currently on the market for a cool $599K.

I think you'll judge me. You'll say I'm 'rich' and therefore must not be after God's heart. You'll say that I value "stuff" more than God or my family. That I pursue work that keeps me away from home too many nights on business trips just to pay a mortgage, and that if I had my priorities straight, I'd make different choices.

And, you'd be right...at least in part.

I am rich. I do value stuff -- way more than I should.

But, where you'd be wrong is that I am chasing hard after God's heart for me, for my life. Standing next to Nick and fighting against everything that is getting in our way of doing what God wants us to do with what He has blessed us with.

So, the house is on the market.

We are ready to let go.

Three months it's been on the market. No one has even looked at it. Tomorrow, someone is coming to look.

Father God, help us to be patient and wait on your timing, and honor our desire to chase after you more than we chase after stuff. Thank you for willing us to want to steward your money differently. We will wait on You and Your will in humility and anticipation...and really hope that the buyer is coming tomorrow!!!

The heart is working too hard

My father, Paul Gordon Lauer, was born in 1938.

At the age of 3, he was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Essentially, for those of you that don't know, in Type 1 Diabetes, the pancreas stops making insulin. The patient must take insulin in order to regulate blood sugar, or major complications can set in. In the early 40s, there was no way for patients to take insulin, so my grandparents did their best to control my Dad's diet to help control his blood sugar.

By age 23, complications began to set in, even though medication and some treatment had become available. My father lost sight in both of his eyes.

At age 30, he met and fell in love with my mother and they were married.

At age 32, he suffered stroke. The same week, he and my mother found out they were expecting a baby, and then he suffered a heart attack.

He survived, and early the following year, I was born.

A few weeks after I was born, his kidneys began to fail, and he started receiving dialysis treatment.

In July, 1971, only 3.5 months after I was born, while receiving dialysis, my father suffered a massive coronary and died.

Some other time, I'll comment on how amazing my mother is and how strong she must have been, and the amazing bond that she and I have, likely because it was "just us" for a year or so before she re-married...

But, for now...

I taught this past Sunday at church.

First time.

And, I told the story of my father.

I told the story because I realized that it had something to teach me about the body of Christ -- the Church.

In 1 Corinthians, we read:

14Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. 15If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 16And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 17If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? 18But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. 19If they were all one part, where would the body be? 20As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

21The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" 22On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

27Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

My dad's story illustrates what happens when certain parts of the body aren't doing their jobs. First, his pancreas didn't work, so his kidneys tried to make up for it.

They tried and tried, and eventually couldn't do it.

Not their fault.

They weren't designed to do what the pancreas does.

Then, his heart tried to make up for the kidneys and the pancreas.

But, clearly, it wasn't made to do the same things as the pancreas or kidneys.

It tried and tried, but eventually couldn't do it...

Isn't this how the Church body works -- or rather, how it doesn't work? A few parts trying to make up for the fact that the others aren't doing their jobs?

I'm convinced its because people don't understand three things:

• Each of us is amazingly unique
• Each of us is gifted for a purpose
• Each of us is desperately needed

Understanding my own uniqueness, purpose and value has been a journey for me, but embracing the truth of my design has changed my life for the better in innumerable ways.

God's plan involves all of us. When we're doing what we've been designed to do, we are fully living -- just as God intended for us!

I love being part of a church body that is working to help people understand these truths.

Thank you, God, for revealing new truth from my father's story.

How to be Intimidating: Part 2

So, if you just googled "how to be intimidating" or "what makes a person intimidating" and you've found this blog, welcome!

I have an idea for you...if you're looking to really be intimidating...

People are intimidated by those that have confidence in themselves.

You need to be confident in yourself...you can try to fake it, but that only lasts so long before you break down and just realize that you're not much of anything on your own.

We're all so messed up...what I mean is, everyone, every person is messed up in their own way or ways.

But, there is hope!

If you want to be confident, you have to know that you are loved and accepted no matter who you are and how messed up you are.

Jesus loves you. Y O U. Receive it. Seriously. Go read a Bible...start in the back half -- the new Testament, and read the story of what He did for you.

Then, you'll know. And, you won't need to be intimidating anymore.

Intimidation doesn't win...

Love wins.

(I originally posted several months ago about a search I was doing to try to understand how to NOT be so intimidating to people, and instead I found all kinds of advice on the web about how TO be intimidating. I blogged about it. It's gotten traffic. So, I figured, if you are reading my blog to learn how to be intimidating, I should share with you why I was searching to find ways to NOT be intimidating...)