So, I started doing some digging into what makes people intimidating. The web is an amazing resource...you can actually learn HOW to be intimidating -- in fact, there is a lot more out there about how to intimidate people than there is about how to NOT be intimidating. Some of it is pretty scary actually. But in an effort to learn, I thought I'd explore how one might become intimidating -- maybe it will help me realize what I'm doing that makes people feel intimidated...
Here's what I learned...
First of all, to be intimidating, you must
1. Focus on yourself.
2. Have un-shakeable confidence, or "fake it."
3. Intentionally make the other person feel inferior.
4. Insult the other person -- directly or subtly.
It stands to reason, then, that to be "softer," maybe I should focus on the opposite of these things...
1. Focus on the other person.
2. Admit my own vulnerabilities.
3. Intentionally position myself to serve rather than be served.
4. Affirm and build others up.
Oddly, I think of myself as being somewhat self-aware...but as I examine these opposites and think about how I interact with others, I've got a lot of work to do!
I really do focus too much on myself;
I'm still learning about how to admit and share my vulnerabilities and fears;
I'm not sure that I consistently position myself to serve (nor that when I do, my motives are always pure);
and I'm don't always remember the importance of affirming others...
I'm on a quest to really examine this definition of intimidation, get some feedback from people I trust, and who I know will be honest with me and look hard in the mirror.
Thankfully, God loves me just the way I am and I know He'll help me take one step at a time to grow into a softer, more approachable person...
8 comments:
Ann,
I think you are awesome for trying to figure this out about yourself. Although those things you found out about intimidation may be true, I still believe the other persons' self confidence plays a role. You can't be intimidated unless you let someone intimidate you. Keep up the good work, you'll figure it out.
Ann,
With the exception of what I read in your blog and our interactions at church, I honestly don't know all that much about you. Having said that, I would peg you for #2 in the list but not the others. In excavation, you seemed very confident of yourself and the materials you were presenting. You also admitted some of your weaknesses in front of the whole group.
As to the other 3, it's hard to know from the outside the internal motivations of another person. Do you focus on yourself too much? I really don't know. Have I ever felt insulted by you or be made to feel inferior by you? No (of course, Kelly would tell you that I tend to be rather oblivious to these sorts of things).
As Kelly said, its great that you are evaluating yourself and trying to make improvements. It's something that we all need to do on a regular basis.
I was thinking of leaving a comment here, but I was scared.
I hate it when I have a comment all thought out and then I read the already-posted comments and someone (RYAN) took my thoughts.
Dang it.
Stop worrying about it.
If they are intimidated by you, it is their problem.
i think you should appreciate who you are, I am also an intimidating person and sometimes I like it and sometimes I dont, but thats just me...appreciating myself has helped me understand myself better and realise that I dont need to change for other people, not everyone will be willing to appreciate who and what you are, but you can better than anyone else....I've learned that being myself has led me to getting the right people in my life and I cant say thats easy as well. but the right people in your life will accept and appreciate you the way you are, and the funny thing is intimidating people are easy to get along with once they open up to someone as well as fun people, so appreciate that quality, Not everyone possesses it....
In my case, I have been told once by an employer and another time by a friend that I am intimidating. Part of it is that i have a bulldog shape and a big brow that makes me look angry. Even if I am on cloud nine, I just have this natural scowl. Yeah it pretty much sucks but this is the card I have been dealt.
The best thing you can do is try to smile a lot and make conversation, but often times this is not enough. Because I am a bigger framed guy, I have a loud booming voice which also works against me. I think about 2 or 3 centuries ago, I would have been quite well liked, but in this politically correct world, people right away peg me. As people get to know me, they generally come around and feel comfortable around me. Genetics actually plays quite a role. Perhaps it dates back to an age where we were warriors more than diplomats. I don't know.
Every once in a while the gene pool kicks out someone like me.
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