A look in the mirror part 2: Pursuit

So, I've been a little gun-shy since my last post got so much interesting action on Facebook (you'd never know if you only read this online!)...but this second installment of "Looking in the Mirror" has been on my heart since just after I wrote the last one; a few things have solidified since then, so it's a good time to share.

As I continue to look in the mirror and ask God to reveal things to me that I need to work on, I keep hearing the word "pursuit." While that may seem a bit "generic," as I've prayed about it, it's actually been fairly painful.

Here's what the mirror is revealing about pursuit...

I want to be pursued. Maybe I need to be pursued -- I'm not sure on that yet, since I'm still working through this...

On the surface, that doesn't seem so bad, right?

But, I'm realizing there are things I do in life just so that I will feel wanted, needed, desired, appreciated, respected by other people.

I read a book a few years ago called "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul," The book asserts that all women yearn for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil their own beauty. I picked it up again this week to re-read it, and I was struck by how much more deeply it's "talking to me" this time around.

I've been realizing, and I need to confess, that I've been lured by worldly definitions into being embarrassed about my desire to be pursued -- to be romanced. If I want to be romanced, surely I'm a weak woman, according to the world. I have believed this for too long. I want to be romanced.

Perhaps it's just they way God has made me as a woman.

And, I've worked too hard and tried to be too perfect, smart and accomplished. This pursuit of accomplishment and worldly success and recognition have been my most oft used tools to try to win this elusive romance. I've tried others -- flirting, dieting and exercising to try to achieve some perfect look. But, consistently, the hole is still there in my heart -- that nagging sense that I will never be "enough" to be worthy of being pursued.

All this time, I've been pushing back my very nature, my femininity, in a confused attempt to fulfill what might just be a uniquely feminine desire that only God can fill. How messed up is that!?

Here's a passage from the book that really spoke some truth to my heart:

A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that He finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in Him, she is enough. In fact, the only thing getting in the way of our being fully captivating and enjoyed is our striving.

So, my look in the mirror once showed me my flaws, but when I look again, I'm working on seeing myself as the beautiful, desirable, worthy woman that He sees.

Again, from "Captivating:"

Even though I've "succeeded" in many areas, I've always been ashamed of the absence of my femininity as defined by the world. Asking God what He thought of me as a woman was beyond agonizing. I wrestled with Him right to the end. I knew in my mind He wouldn't be mean, but I was convinced I had failed him miserably in this department...When I finally allowed myself to hear God speak a new name, it was Grace. And the lie of "too much boy and not enough girl" gets shattered in a moment. He crowns me with Grace. He crowns me with love. And I'm satisfied.

I always pray on my way to work. This morning while I was driving to work and praying, I saw the most beautiful sunrise I've seen in some time...actually, the sun was already fairly high in the sky. When I first looked up, it was barely lit and perfectly round, but as I drove, it shone brighter and brighter until I had to fish through my purse for my sunglasses. It felt like God was showing me how brightly and intensely His love burns for me...what a beautiful illustration and evidence of His love for me!

I think I'm going to stop apologizing for my desire to be desirable, and work on reflecting on the evidence that God is pursuing me intently and finds me irreplaceable and worthy.

God, help me to feel how intensely you are pursuing me, how deep and passionate your love is for me, and how worthy I really am of your love.