Waiting for purpose...

This is Dominick. He just turned 10 in December. My first born son, Dominick is a more intense male version of yours truly. Almost everything about him is just like his mom, but amped up a bit. He's smart -- much smarter than me...intensely competitive, full of passion, responsibility, an exceptionally strong will, and often victim to his incessant stream of strategic, logical thoughts and ideas.

And there is a serious battle going on for this guy. He's going to win...God is going to win, and I can't wait to see the victory.

At VWS this past Sunday, pastor Jim taught the kids about "purpose." Last night, while I was tucking Dominick into bed after another battle of wills (we have those often in our house), he asked me if I knew what his purpose was in life. He was feeling pretty bad after losing some privileges for some bad choices earlier in the evening, and he wondered, was his purpose ultimately to die? Was it to argue with his parents? Was it to make bad choices and always feel like he's fighting against the world?

As we often do, Dominick and I talked about his gift of "passion." Passion is one of those "gifts" that, when not exercised for good, can land folks in jail, chase away would-be friends, and leave one feeling intensely disappointed in oneself. When it's used for good, the results can be exponential and more far-reaching than one might have been able to imagine.

I'm convinced that Dominick's mix of gifts and talents and passion have been placed in him for a purpose. As we talked and prayed last night, I asked God to reveal his purpose to Dominick. In my heart, though, I felt like it would come in time, when he's closer to being a "grown up" when people come to know their purpose...when you're a kid, it's just about being a kid, right?

Wrong.

All morning, Dominick was on my mind...why should he, can he not have purpose NOW? And, how empowering and scary to the bad guy trying to mess with Dominick's head would it be for Dominick to live out today's purpose instead of believing the lies that he's not worth much and is just meant to die or make bad choices or be a disappointment. He's not hearing those lies from his parents...they are coming from an enemy that is trying to lie to him and wear him down...why? Because this kid is going to be DANGEROUS for God!

And, I don't have to wait to see it...I can encourage and call out purpose in my 10 year old right now, today...

I'd love it if you'd please keep Dominick in your prayers, friends. And, share your ideas about how to help kids see purpose in their lives...

People, not projects

This week, I've been talking to various friends about what makes people intimidating. I've learned some really insightful things. After talking with one friend today, I was able to start articulating a few of them more clearly for myself. I'm starting to get a good idea of the things I need to work on...

Here are the newest insights...

• It's intimidating when someone turns every comment or occasion for small talk into a lengthy debate or discussion. Small talk is meant to be small, quick. I need to remember that I don't have to engage on every little topic. And, when I do, it makes me look like a know-it-all, which is intimidating...and annoying.
• Showing people that I fully expect and desire to learn something from them breaks down negative assumptions. This requires some balance -- i.e. if I want to be able to serve others, and not be intimidating in the process, I need to make sure that I'm open to being served -- to learning from them. People that I encounter are not projects...they're people.

Many of the folks that I've been intimidated by in the past have been people that I've looked up to...people who seemingly had achieved some success that felt attractive to me. What I've realized is that I'm not at all likely to "make the first move" and strike up a conversation with those folks (the whole "I'm not worthy" thing). So, if some folks feel that way about me, whether or not I think it's justified, I can break down the assumptions by reaching out first and "making the first move" to talk to someone, ask for their help or advice, or affirm them in some way.

So, more work to do...

What am I missing about what makes people intimidating or what makes someone approachable?

What makes a person intimidating?

So, I started doing some digging into what makes people intimidating. The web is an amazing resource...you can actually learn HOW to be intimidating -- in fact, there is a lot more out there about how to intimidate people than there is about how to NOT be intimidating. Some of it is pretty scary actually. But in an effort to learn, I thought I'd explore how one might become intimidating -- maybe it will help me realize what I'm doing that makes people feel intimidated...

Here's what I learned...

First of all, to be intimidating, you must
1. Focus on yourself.
2. Have un-shakeable confidence, or "fake it."
3. Intentionally make the other person feel inferior.
4. Insult the other person -- directly or subtly.

It stands to reason, then, that to be "softer," maybe I should focus on the opposite of these things...
1. Focus on the other person.
2. Admit my own vulnerabilities.
3. Intentionally position myself to serve rather than be served.
4. Affirm and build others up.

Oddly, I think of myself as being somewhat self-aware...but as I examine these opposites and think about how I interact with others, I've got a lot of work to do!

I really do focus too much on myself;

I'm still learning about how to admit and share my vulnerabilities and fears;

I'm not sure that I consistently position myself to serve (nor that when I do, my motives are always pure);

and I'm don't always remember the importance of affirming others...

I'm on a quest to really examine this definition of intimidation, get some feedback from people I trust, and who I know will be honest with me and look hard in the mirror.

Thankfully, God loves me just the way I am and I know He'll help me take one step at a time to grow into a softer, more approachable person...

Name Your Year

We had some friends over last night and had such a wonderful time. It's an amazing treasure to have friends that you can completely be yourself with...

Each of us took turns giving a "name" for 2008 and pre-titling 2009 as well. It was such a revealing and reflective exercise.

2008 for me would be titled "Humility." If you've been reading this blog, this won't be a surprise to you. So many times this year, I feel like I've been "knocked off my horse." Professionally, personally, spiritually, physically...in just about every area of my life. So many mistakes -- I'm not even sure that I made more mistakes this year than in the past, but I was so much more acutely aware of my own imperfection and my innate need for other people and for grace and forgiveness (from others, from God, from myself). Now, to be clear, I'm FAR from a humble person, but I'm working on learning humility everyday and realizing that being humble can make me a much better leader, wife, mother, friend, coach, employee...overall, a much better person.

I want 2009 to be a year of "softening." I recently reconnected with a friend from high school. He said in HS he was "intimidated" by me. He's not the first person to tell me this. Many, many people have told me this, more in the past few years -- it's often after I've seemingly broken through and actually started getting into a somewhat intimate friendship with someone that they "admit" it to me. But, I've realized that, like it or not, there is a perception that I'm kinda scary to some people.

I know (through all these lessons in humility) that this keeps me from depth in relationships. Maybe in the past, I subconsciously used this to protect me from having to be completely honest about my inadequacies (gotta let go of that in REAL relationships, right?). Looking back at some goals I set last year, I said I wanted to develop deep, intimate friendships with 2-3 women...I've started that, but I realize that part of why it takes so long is because I give off this perception...So, in 2009, I want to figure out what I'm doing, saying, etc. that is leading to this perception and "soften" up a bit...

So, Name YOUR Year...Talking through it and sharing it is such a gift...

Just 2 resolutions this year...

I'm just making two resolutions this year...but, they are big ones, and they cover a lot. Ironically, I probably have NO chance of actually fulfilling them, but I'm hoping that, by "striving" for these two things, I'll live more of this year in "thrive" mode versus "survive" mode.

Here they are:

1. (Strive to) Honor God in everything I do, say and think.
2. (Strive to) See myself and others as glorious -- made in the image of God.

I've been reading Isaiah and a general theme is the righteousness of God and how He/Love is the ultimate winner -- all the time. Submitting to that feels a whole lot easier than beating myself up over mistakes and shortcomings.

I'm going to meditate on the promise in Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock eternal."

And, pray Isaiah 26 8-9 "Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, I wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of my heart. My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you."

And, finally, I'm going to celebrate Isaiah 26: 19 "But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Your dew is like the dew of morning; the earth will give birth to her dead."

The celebration starts tonight...at VWS...when a whole bunch of people declare that they are following Jesus at our New Year's Rockin' Eve Worship and Baptism celebration! I can't wait to start 2009! Happy New Year!

SQUISH....

I'm feeling a bit like an ant today...

Let me explain...

I'm feeling small, insignificant and not very unique. I feel like there is a big, giant foot hovering above me, about to squish me.

Big foot probably won't feel a twinge of guilt, because I'm probably not contributing anything worthwhile anyway.

Forgive me while I ramble a bit here...I've had a difficult day, in many ways...

See, I've been here before. Trying to catalyze change and not making myself very popular in the process. Every other time, I've hit this point. Where my confidence wanes in the face of criticism and doubt and skepticism. But, I think what's getting to me more this time than in the past is the sense that people around me -- people I deeply respect, don't see me and my heart...they see process and strategy and self-reliance and force fitting of an approach that must feel like it's come from a cookie cutter or business book.

I need to work on communicating less with my mouth and more with my actions. I need to focus everyday on whether my heart is right with God. If it is, then I need to not be dissuaded...right? Why is this such a struggle for me?

God, convict me when and where I need to be convicted, and affirm me when I'm doing the work you've asked me to help with. Keep my eyes fixed on you. If I'm to "throw in the towel" on this one, will me to do so...if not, strengthen me to persevere.

Oh Christmas Tree(s)

I LOVE Christmas Trees. I think some people think I'm certifiably crazy, but I just love the cozy feeling you get when a room is lit with twinkle lights on a tree. Over the years, I've added trees...this year we have 10 in our home...I'll share some of them with you...

This one is in the kitchen. It is decorated with cookie cutters, candy apple, gingerbread and candy ornaments. It is a 6 foot tree, and has orange and white lights.

These two are on a plant shelf in the family room. Our trusty knight is keeping watch over them. These are the two new trees for 2008. They are 5.5 feet trees with white lights.

This is our "main" tree -- the one that the whole family decorates together in the family room. Lots of handmade and personalized ornaments on this one. This one is 10 feet tall and has multi-colored lights, which we add to with some fun bubble lights and other crystal lights.

This lovely red and gold tree graces our dining room. I love the topper on this one...it's blown glass. This is a 7.5 foot tree with red and white lights.

This may be my favorite tree. It's in our entry and I really enjoy decorating this one with deep jewel tones. This is a narrow 10 foot tall tree with white lights.

And, finally, the one that people really think is crazy...we have a small 4.5 foot tree in the powder room. I don't really care if you think I'm insane...it looks nice and ensures that no matter where you go on the main level of our house, you'll see a Christmas tree!

The kids each have trees in their rooms...Next year, I hope to add a tree in the basement, which will be completely finished by then.

So, there you have it. Enjoy...and Merry Christmas!