SQUISH....

I'm feeling a bit like an ant today...

Let me explain...

I'm feeling small, insignificant and not very unique. I feel like there is a big, giant foot hovering above me, about to squish me.

Big foot probably won't feel a twinge of guilt, because I'm probably not contributing anything worthwhile anyway.

Forgive me while I ramble a bit here...I've had a difficult day, in many ways...

See, I've been here before. Trying to catalyze change and not making myself very popular in the process. Every other time, I've hit this point. Where my confidence wanes in the face of criticism and doubt and skepticism. But, I think what's getting to me more this time than in the past is the sense that people around me -- people I deeply respect, don't see me and my heart...they see process and strategy and self-reliance and force fitting of an approach that must feel like it's come from a cookie cutter or business book.

I need to work on communicating less with my mouth and more with my actions. I need to focus everyday on whether my heart is right with God. If it is, then I need to not be dissuaded...right? Why is this such a struggle for me?

God, convict me when and where I need to be convicted, and affirm me when I'm doing the work you've asked me to help with. Keep my eyes fixed on you. If I'm to "throw in the towel" on this one, will me to do so...if not, strengthen me to persevere.

Be careful what you pray for...

A few years ago, I began praying a pretty dangerous prayer. I knew it was dangerous, but I had finally reached a point, spurred on by my life group, where I knew I needed to pray it. The prayer went something like this... "God, break me of my pride. Knock me off my high horse and put me in my place. Don't let me ever think that I am responsible for anything that YOU accomplish through me. Humble me."

Have you ever prayed that one? Just a little hint, that's the kind of prayer He really likes to answer!

So, I'm still digging through Ezekiel. And I've realized something...much of what Ezekiel is sent to tell Israel is that they are too dang prideful. He's giving them all sorts of warnings and prophecies about the dangers of their self-righteousness and pride. He pretty much says He's going to destroy them if they don't knock it off and give credit where credit is due.

And, I'm realizing how very "knocked off my high horse" I really am these days. Thanks for answering that prayer, Dad.

It feels a little rotten, but in some ways, it feels so good. I think there's a balance I need to get to, though...I've almost let the pendulum swing too far.

Accepting thanks, praise, affirming words is difficult for me for some reason, even though it's totally my #1 love language! I feel a little self-centered to need that kind of affirmation...maybe I'm worried that if I accept it, it will quickly lead to pride once again.

I think, though, that God would be glorified if I was confident in my gifts and calling (subtly different than pride, certainly), in gratitude for the giver of all good gifts...so, I'll take these messages from Zeke and this weird "am I a leader" questioning and count them as gifts on my journey to becoming the leader that He's really calling me to be...