How to be Intimidating: Part 2

So, if you just googled "how to be intimidating" or "what makes a person intimidating" and you've found this blog, welcome!

I have an idea for you...if you're looking to really be intimidating...

People are intimidated by those that have confidence in themselves.

You need to be confident in yourself...you can try to fake it, but that only lasts so long before you break down and just realize that you're not much of anything on your own.

We're all so messed up...what I mean is, everyone, every person is messed up in their own way or ways.

But, there is hope!

If you want to be confident, you have to know that you are loved and accepted no matter who you are and how messed up you are.

Jesus loves you. Y O U. Receive it. Seriously. Go read a Bible...start in the back half -- the new Testament, and read the story of what He did for you.

Then, you'll know. And, you won't need to be intimidating anymore.

Intimidation doesn't win...

Love wins.

(I originally posted several months ago about a search I was doing to try to understand how to NOT be so intimidating to people, and instead I found all kinds of advice on the web about how TO be intimidating. I blogged about it. It's gotten traffic. So, I figured, if you are reading my blog to learn how to be intimidating, I should share with you why I was searching to find ways to NOT be intimidating...)

Great Expectations

This morning I went with my reset group to the prayer experience at Crossroads.

Even before I left this morning, I had been thinking about expectations.

More honestly, I was angry.

I've had a rough week or two. Mostly because I have allowed myself to be driven by, motivated by, and then frustrated by my perception of what other people expect from me.

Now, to be clear, I didn't reach that level of self-awareness about what was going on until wrestling this with God today.

See, I was angry because I just knew that people have unrealistic expectations of me. How dare they expect me to do, or fix, or say, or be whatever they are expecting me to do, fix, say or be? It's just not realistic to be so perfect, prescient, present...to have super powers that allow me to fix every problem immediately -- before it happens, preferably; to be three places at once; to know every detail of every situation going on around me and empathize with everyone's situation -- and find a solution that makes everyone happy.

Clearly, these people have a problem.

I should just tell them how ridiculous they are being. How they should know better. How they should think about all the things going on in my life and be a bit more empathetic and reasonable. How they should recognize and affirm how much I really am doing.

Even as I write this, it all looks so obvious, and yet, it took a while to see the flaw in my own logic and, even more, in my own heart on this topic.

How high are my expectation of others that they should know how I'm feeling without me saying anything about it? Maybe my expectations are the ones that are too high here.

This is all just a big mess. People have expectations of each other...and guess what? We'll never live up to each others expectations...and, more importantly, I realized this morning, I'll never live up to my own expectations of myself (sadly, I have to admit that, if I look at my life, it would tell me that I expect myself to be perfect, omni-present, all-knowing, merciful, yet convicting, etc...ummm, that sounds a bit lofty, don't you think?)

So, if I can't live up to my own expectations, or yours, what am I to do...

Here's what I heard this morning as I was praying...

First, let go of what I think others expect of me. I've made too many assumptions here, and even if they do expect the impossible, it's not my job to please everyone.

Second, recognize that God simply expects me to be me. Not to be Him. That's His job.

Third, maybe this quest for pleasing people by being so perfect is actually part of what makes me seem "intimidating"...

So, I'm going to jump into this messiness of being okay with me, even if I sense that people aren't so happy with me...

I'll let you know how it goes...

A gift for my year of softening...

This week I had an amazing experience of God's love for me. At VWS, we have a team of prayer warriors who have been doing a form of emotional healing prayer called SOZO. I went for some healing prayer in a SOZO on Tuesday night...

Wow.

Simply overwhelming.

I couldn't begin to capture in writing all of the things that God spoke to me through this prayer session. But, I wanted to try to write down at least one piece of it, because it was so powerful in its relevance to my 2009 goal of "softening."

Essentially, SOZO aims to set one free from lies that we may have believed for many years about ourselves. When we lay the lie down, denounce it, rebuke it, we ask God to replace it with something.

During my prayer time, I didn't really feel much about being intimidating. I realized there were lies I believed about myself related to fear, doubt, need for human affection, and a few other things. We went through a process of denying each lie that the Holy Spirit showed me I had believed about myself.

And then, we asked God what truth he had for me in exchange for the lies. I'll try to explain the picture He gave me, and little about what He revealed about its meaning...

In a brightly lit white space, Jesus stood with me. He was wearing a white robe with a gold sash. I was standing next to Him, and I realized that I was wearing a white robe, too. This reflects that I am made in His image (the white color represents holiness, right standing, purity).

He took off his gold sash and tied it around my waist, and told me it was my "warrior belt." (Gold represents wealth, kingliness, majesty, etc).

I reached in his pocket and pulled out two gifts...first, a pink heart (think, valentine!). Then, a small white pillow. I asked what the pillow was for -- softness, comfort, rest, slumber, protection for my head from the hard ground -- these were the words I heard.

Immediately, I saw the connection to my year of humility and getting "knocked off my horse" last year and my desire to be softer this year...and He was reassuring me that, all along, I've been a soft-hearted, loving person; and that He's always been there to keep me from hitting the hard ground when I'm humbled.

But, up til this week, I had chosen to believe a lie -- that I was an intimidating person; a mean person in some way.

To be clear, there have been times when my behavior has been intimidating or mean or overpowering...but I am not a mean, overpowering, intimidating person...there is a HUGE difference!

So, whatever I do that is not glorifying to God -- it's the ACTION or the BEHAVIOR, it's not ME and those actions/behaviors don't have to define me! I need to confess them, work on them, forgive myself for them, but I don't have to believe the lie that they define me.

What defines me is that I am made in His image...and that truth is quite a gift!

People, not projects

This week, I've been talking to various friends about what makes people intimidating. I've learned some really insightful things. After talking with one friend today, I was able to start articulating a few of them more clearly for myself. I'm starting to get a good idea of the things I need to work on...

Here are the newest insights...

• It's intimidating when someone turns every comment or occasion for small talk into a lengthy debate or discussion. Small talk is meant to be small, quick. I need to remember that I don't have to engage on every little topic. And, when I do, it makes me look like a know-it-all, which is intimidating...and annoying.
• Showing people that I fully expect and desire to learn something from them breaks down negative assumptions. This requires some balance -- i.e. if I want to be able to serve others, and not be intimidating in the process, I need to make sure that I'm open to being served -- to learning from them. People that I encounter are not projects...they're people.

Many of the folks that I've been intimidated by in the past have been people that I've looked up to...people who seemingly had achieved some success that felt attractive to me. What I've realized is that I'm not at all likely to "make the first move" and strike up a conversation with those folks (the whole "I'm not worthy" thing). So, if some folks feel that way about me, whether or not I think it's justified, I can break down the assumptions by reaching out first and "making the first move" to talk to someone, ask for their help or advice, or affirm them in some way.

So, more work to do...

What am I missing about what makes people intimidating or what makes someone approachable?

What makes a person intimidating?

So, I started doing some digging into what makes people intimidating. The web is an amazing resource...you can actually learn HOW to be intimidating -- in fact, there is a lot more out there about how to intimidate people than there is about how to NOT be intimidating. Some of it is pretty scary actually. But in an effort to learn, I thought I'd explore how one might become intimidating -- maybe it will help me realize what I'm doing that makes people feel intimidated...

Here's what I learned...

First of all, to be intimidating, you must
1. Focus on yourself.
2. Have un-shakeable confidence, or "fake it."
3. Intentionally make the other person feel inferior.
4. Insult the other person -- directly or subtly.

It stands to reason, then, that to be "softer," maybe I should focus on the opposite of these things...
1. Focus on the other person.
2. Admit my own vulnerabilities.
3. Intentionally position myself to serve rather than be served.
4. Affirm and build others up.

Oddly, I think of myself as being somewhat self-aware...but as I examine these opposites and think about how I interact with others, I've got a lot of work to do!

I really do focus too much on myself;

I'm still learning about how to admit and share my vulnerabilities and fears;

I'm not sure that I consistently position myself to serve (nor that when I do, my motives are always pure);

and I'm don't always remember the importance of affirming others...

I'm on a quest to really examine this definition of intimidation, get some feedback from people I trust, and who I know will be honest with me and look hard in the mirror.

Thankfully, God loves me just the way I am and I know He'll help me take one step at a time to grow into a softer, more approachable person...