Things I never do...

So, I've made it through the week! Nick comes home from Honduras tomorrow, and I've been reflective tonight about all the things the week has entailed. Here are just a few of the things that I almost NEVER do that I've done this week while Nick's been gone...

• Killed three wasps in our bathroom (where the heck do those things even come from?)
• Took out the trash and the recycling bin
• Cleaned the whole house -- Vacuumed and swiffed the floors (Nick's two favorite chores!); and dusted, which neither of us likes to do very often
  
• Cleaned the cat litter pans (actually, I haven't done this yet, but it's on my list to do tomorrow before he gets home)
• Packed Dominick's lunch for him everyday -- not because he can't do it himself, but just because...
• Planted some flowers in the yard
• Swept out the garage
  
• Took the kids to the bus stop
• Took Coco for a few walks
• Took the kids to get ice cream
• Watched TV much less and read/reflected/prayed much more often
  
• Cooked dinner...like 4 times!!!! Seriously, this is big...I made chicken noodle soup one night (NOT from a can!); I fried some chicken tonight (will never do that again...what a mess!); made tuna casserole one night, etc...
• Ate more fruits and veggies (weird, huh!?...but, I think I know why, and it's too deep for tonight's blogpost...)
• Cried...a lot...not just because I missed him, but because it was probably the most difficult and painful week I've had at Seek in the past two years...again, too much for tonight's post...
• Asked for help -- when the garage door got stuck and when I needed to go to the grocery and Anthony was sleepy and cranky
  
• Went into work late and left early, without stressing out about it
  
• Painted my toenails
  
• Went shopping for myself

I also did some not-so-great things...like staying up late into the night working (multiple nights); screaming at the kids (once on the way home from Dominick's soccer game when they just would not stop fighting in the car), and playing around on facebook much more than anyone should ever play around on facebook...

But, here's the really big thing...

I spent all this time this week coming up with things that I could do to show Nick how much I love him.

I spent all this time this week thinking about how much I love him, and need him and want him.

Everyone that asked got an earful about how great he is...and how brave he is to take this trip...and what an example he is for the kids...and what a great leader he is for this family.

And, eating better, painting my toenails, relaxing about work, treating myself a bit, just being "here" with the kids, talking great about him...these are the things that communicate my love.

So, why don't I do them more often? Why don't I sit around dreaming about how to show him my love when he's here?

Wow...God has just rocked my world this week. I'm so blessed and humbled.

So, tomorrow night, I'm going to put on a skirt, and makeup, and maybe even some perfume and take myself and my painted toenails to the airport and pick up my husband...

I hope he recognizes me!

Name Your Year

We had some friends over last night and had such a wonderful time. It's an amazing treasure to have friends that you can completely be yourself with...

Each of us took turns giving a "name" for 2008 and pre-titling 2009 as well. It was such a revealing and reflective exercise.

2008 for me would be titled "Humility." If you've been reading this blog, this won't be a surprise to you. So many times this year, I feel like I've been "knocked off my horse." Professionally, personally, spiritually, physically...in just about every area of my life. So many mistakes -- I'm not even sure that I made more mistakes this year than in the past, but I was so much more acutely aware of my own imperfection and my innate need for other people and for grace and forgiveness (from others, from God, from myself). Now, to be clear, I'm FAR from a humble person, but I'm working on learning humility everyday and realizing that being humble can make me a much better leader, wife, mother, friend, coach, employee...overall, a much better person.

I want 2009 to be a year of "softening." I recently reconnected with a friend from high school. He said in HS he was "intimidated" by me. He's not the first person to tell me this. Many, many people have told me this, more in the past few years -- it's often after I've seemingly broken through and actually started getting into a somewhat intimate friendship with someone that they "admit" it to me. But, I've realized that, like it or not, there is a perception that I'm kinda scary to some people.

I know (through all these lessons in humility) that this keeps me from depth in relationships. Maybe in the past, I subconsciously used this to protect me from having to be completely honest about my inadequacies (gotta let go of that in REAL relationships, right?). Looking back at some goals I set last year, I said I wanted to develop deep, intimate friendships with 2-3 women...I've started that, but I realize that part of why it takes so long is because I give off this perception...So, in 2009, I want to figure out what I'm doing, saying, etc. that is leading to this perception and "soften" up a bit...

So, Name YOUR Year...Talking through it and sharing it is such a gift...

SQUISH....

I'm feeling a bit like an ant today...

Let me explain...

I'm feeling small, insignificant and not very unique. I feel like there is a big, giant foot hovering above me, about to squish me.

Big foot probably won't feel a twinge of guilt, because I'm probably not contributing anything worthwhile anyway.

Forgive me while I ramble a bit here...I've had a difficult day, in many ways...

See, I've been here before. Trying to catalyze change and not making myself very popular in the process. Every other time, I've hit this point. Where my confidence wanes in the face of criticism and doubt and skepticism. But, I think what's getting to me more this time than in the past is the sense that people around me -- people I deeply respect, don't see me and my heart...they see process and strategy and self-reliance and force fitting of an approach that must feel like it's come from a cookie cutter or business book.

I need to work on communicating less with my mouth and more with my actions. I need to focus everyday on whether my heart is right with God. If it is, then I need to not be dissuaded...right? Why is this such a struggle for me?

God, convict me when and where I need to be convicted, and affirm me when I'm doing the work you've asked me to help with. Keep my eyes fixed on you. If I'm to "throw in the towel" on this one, will me to do so...if not, strengthen me to persevere.

Humbled again...

So, last week I did something really stupid. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice it to say that it was dumb, and I knew it was, and I did it anyway. And, almost instantly I regretted it. It was not glorifying to God, or to my family or to my co-workers...just overall reproachful! Anyway, as I was beating myself up over it this weekend, realizing that I needed to confess to a few folks that witnessed my behavior, I was feeling pretty crappy about myself...and in the midst of all that, I had the most amazing dream Saturday night...

In my dream, I was pregnant...a little hand and foot were pressing against the skin of my belly -- like the baby was full term and ready to be born and trying to push his way out. It was so real...I could almost feel the pressure from those little limbs. I woke up wondering what it meant, and headed to church...

Tim gave a message on how God wants to use us to bring life to the world. He talked about how we're all "impregnated" by God -- not to be weird or gross, but really that he's placed life in us and wants us to birth it and nurture it in the world. (Pretty good message...check out VWS and download the podcast if you'd like).

I realized that, even through my crap and stupidity, God still wants to use me. He forgives me before I forgive myself. He was trying to tell me through my dream and then through that message on Sunday morning that He's given me a life and purpose to bring into the world!

I was reflecting this week on Romans 7 -- probably trying to punish myself a bit more...in vs. 15-24, Paul talks about the craziness of humanity where we find ourselves doing stupid things that we know are wrong, that we don't want to do, but we do them anyway. And, avoiding things we should be doing that are good...and how wretched we are. Interestingly, I remembered much of the language of this passage, but I didn't realize the ending...and the beginning of Chapter 8..."Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!...Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

So, I'm working on forgiving myself by trying to birth and nurture life, and live out the purposes He's called me to for the moment...and realizing that I can learn through my mistakes and imperfections and hopefully leverage them to make me a better, more humble leader and follower...

Really a leader?

My latest crisis of conscious is around whether I'm really a leader?

It's been crystal clear to me over the past week or so, that most of what I do is not "center-stage" leadership...I tend to do my best work in service of another leader...someone who has great vision, but needs help making it happen. Someone who can point to where the ship should go, but needs someone to actually steer it.

Or, maybe those are just the opportunities that have been placed before me, and God is training me up to be some other kind of leader...sometimes I feel like I have vision. When I do, it's pretty audacious stuff...why is it that the visions I get are never the ones I put strategy behind? Is it because I'm better suited, talented, gifted to support, or am I afraid?

Crap. This has kept me from good sleep for 3 nights straight now...

If someone else brought these thoughts to me, I'd tell them to get over themselves, eat a piece of humble pie, and do the work God is putting in front of them. Who cares what it's called or what credit you get or whether ANYONE other than you knows what you're doing -- God knows at the end of any given day whether I've glorified Him, right? If I'm being a servant leader, and equipping those around me (the leaders I serve under as well as folks that look "up" to me for guidance), then I'm doing what I'm called to do, and that IS leadership, right?

My brain is on overload tonight. God, give me wisdom and discernment to tell which of these messages in my head are from you and which are NOT from you, but rather messages that are trying to knock me off track. Is this You, sending me a message on humility, or is this the enemy sending me a message about a lack of value or need for power/authority? Maybe both are going on at the same time...the tension is thick and the balance is hard to find.