I've never been a fan of heights...

Something about heights has always scared me.  I don't mind flying, but tall buildings, especially in the open air kinda freak me out.  I love the view that you get, but looking "down" stirs up the fear in me every time.

Now, I've learned over time to deal with this fear and that the view is always worth a bit of trepidation, and I have really enjoyed visits to the Hancock Center in Chicago and the Empire State Building in New York City.  Each time, I focus on looking outward and upward rather than downward, and I do just fine.  That's where the better view is anyway, right?

I was thinking about this fear of "looking down" today and its a strong analog for my life the past year.

A year ago this week, I got fired.  From a job that I thought I was pretty good at.  I thought I was adding a lot of value.  I thought I was pretty indispensable.  But, obviously, not everyone agreed with me.  My ego took at hit, certainly.

Deep down, I knew I'd be okay.  I knew that it was really for the better since I wasn't learning and growing the way I need to in order to stay motivated and energized and engaged in a job.

But, losing my job while in the middle of a divorce, while sitting on a house that I couldn't sell without paying a LOT of money to close the gap between what was owed and what the market would allow it to sell for, while grieving that I had moved my dad 400 miles away because I had to admit that I just couldn't take care of him anymore...well, that was kinda the last thing I thought I needed...

Today, a year later, I'm thrilled to be scaling up a young company that seems to be starting to hit its stride.  I'm renting an adorable cape cod that's just the right size for me and the kids.  I'm healing from a painful marriage and divorce.  The kids are adjusting and have made some new friends in their new school district.  I have friends...real friends and I'm making new ones, too.  I'm closer to broke than I've been in my adult life, but each month I make the bills and am able to have some fun with the kids.

And, most days, I look upward and outward, and don't allow myself to look down.  I've developed a trust in God and His provision that I never could have understood a year ago.  How He loves me.  How He provides for me.  How He's designed and gifted me.  How His is the most perfect, pure, unconditional love.

But, today, I looked down.

I do it every so often...and I get scared.  Like, really scared.

I feel alone.  Tired.  Unworthy of ever being loved or taken care of by anyone.  Convinced that I will always be on my own.  I feel the weight of the financial responsibility for my kids.  And the sinking feeling that I simply won't have enough money to pay for braces, college, my own health care expenses and insurance, clothes for the kids, experiences for the kids.  And the condemnation of feeling that I won't have enough time or energy to give my best to the long list of things that I pressure myself to give my best to each day.

But, the beautiful thing about this trust that I've grown over the past year is that whenever I look down and start to fear, God gently reminds me -- through the comforting hug from a friend; Anthony's laughter; Dominick's maturity and responsibility; the sparkle in Lanie's eyes; the warmth of the sun; the excitement of a prospective client; the gratefulness of a young leader that I was able to mentor -- that He's got my back.  That I'm on the exact journey that He designed me to be on.  And, that I have more than enough to survive.  In fact, He delights in the strength and conviction and courage and passion that I'm tapping into and that propel me forward every day.

And, I'm reminded to look upward and outward, because He's not going to let me fall...

Amen to that.

picture from flickr creative commons:   tentonipete

A random cure for writer's block

I've been suffering lately from reverse-writer's block...a few too many things on my mind...too hard to decide what to write about.

So, I thought I'd dump a few random thoughts so I can just get over the block and back to writing again...

Random thought/musing #1
I signed up for google analytics. Its a service (FREE!) from google that will analyze where your blog traffic is coming from. Pretty interesting to see where you are all reading from! But, here's something quite surprising to me...the biggest single post that has gotten a lot of traffic in the past week is the one titled "How to Be Intimidating." This was a post I wrote a while back, and it was part of my exploration about how NOT to be intimidating. In fact, if you search on google for "how to be intimidating," that blog post shows up -- as the TOP hit! Now, the good news is that if folks hit my blog thinking they're going to read about how to be intimidating, they get just the opposite; the bad news is that lots of people are searching google for help to be more intimidating! Does this bother anyone but me?

Random thought/musing #2
Anthony and I have a little ritual when I'm tucking him in at night. After we read, pray and sing a song, he always has to have a "no-kiss hug." It's a hug, without a kiss. He loves it. For months, he's been anti-kiss from mom. But in the past couple of weeks, he started asking for a kiss and asking to give me a kiss after the no-kiss hug. How sweet is he!?

Random thought/musing #3
Lanie is about to turn 8. Her newest pastime is listening to Taylor Swift. Every time I see her singing along with the words to those cute puppy-love tunes, I can't help by stare at her and realize how quickly being a little girl goes by...When I was 8, I had my first real crush...my neighbor's nephew Dennis. We held hands and hugged in the garage of his aunt and uncle's house, and we ate popcorn with melted butter while we watched movies. It was dreamy. When he sat next to me, I felt all tingly. Can she really be the same age as I was then!?

Random thought/musing #4
Dominick has a best friend. I love watching them hang out together. They stay up late on sleep-over nights and giggle. They skipped through Kroger together today. He's getting to the age where he'll start to tell Nate things that he doesn't tell me...(can you tell I'm feeling a bit reminiscent today?) I'm equal parts excited for him that he has such a great friend, and sad that I'm being replaced as his confidante...

Random thought/musing #5 (this one's for the girls only)
What is up with Victoria's Secret underwear? Every time I buy a new batch, I buy a 5 pairs in the same size and same "style"... but every single one fits totally differently once I wear them. Now, certainly there are times during the month where I might expect them to fit a bit differently, but that does not nearly explain the dramatic difference in the size and cut from one pair to another. Am I the only one this happens to? Maybe I'm too old for Victoria's Secret...

Random thought/musing #6 (last one for today...)
I'm excited about seeing old friends lately. I blogged about my friends Julie and Jill a few weeks ago, and got to see them each quite recently over lunches. It was great to laugh and remember and share with each other. Tomorrow, I get to see an old friend, Jason, who I haven't seen in probably about 3 years. And, last night, we ran into an old friend at Dave & Buster's...I'm getting good practice for my HS reunion, which is coming up in a few weeks!

Okay...I feel better now. Hopefully back to less scattered thinking over the next week or so...

Taking care of "stuff"

So, Nick left yesterday for Honduras, and I've been on my own with the kids for almost 48 hours now. To most moms, this would not be a big deal, I imagine.

But, as Dominick seems quite fond on reminding me the past two days, I'm not a "normal mom."

I am the one that usually goes on "trips," according to the kids. (This is, in fact, quite true.) So, me being home with them each night, fixing dinner, taking them to practices, getting them ready for school and onto the bus -- it's all stuff I'm not as practiced at as Nick is...

Lanie and Anthony seem quite content with how things have been going these couple of days, but Dominick believes that there is "important stuff" that I'm just not taking care of...hmmm...

Tonight, as I was putting the kids in bed, Lanie and Dominick and I prayed together for Nick. (Anthony was already asleep). Lanie's prayer was so sweet...it went something like this:

"Dear Jesus, please take care of Daddy and help him to remember, that even though we're really far away from him, that we love him and miss him. Please help us to have fun and do okay while he's gone. Please protect him and bring him home safely."

Nice.

Sweet.

No sideways comments about my mothering this week...

Then, it was Dominick's turn...

"Dear God, please help us. We know that Mom is usually the one that goes on trips, and Dad takes care of things for us. Please help us with the hole that we have since Dad isn't here to take care of stuff for us. That's it. Amen."

Um...so, what "stuff" am I not taking care of? I asked him this question, and if he was worried about something not getting taken care of. He seemed worried, but unable to describe the gaping hole in "things that need to be taken care of."

In any case, I am certainly appreciating what it feels like to be a single parent, and know that this experience will help me to appreciate and empathize with Nick when I do have to travel...and hopefully the kids will survive the rest of our week. By the tone of Dominick's blog, it'll be a miracle if we survive. ;-)

Kids are amazing

I've told you about Dominick before...quite an amazing young man.

For a few weeks, Dominick has been asking me if he could start his own blog.

So, last weekend, we started a blog for him. Check it out!

I've always been impressed by Dominick's maturity, intelligence, focus and passion. But, nothing quite compares to reading his authentic, raw thoughts -- the ones that he feels he must share via his blog.

God is so good to Nick and I. So often, we realize the gaps in our parenting. And then, we remember...God is the ultimate parent, and He can close every gap. Thank you, God, for such an awesome kid!

Waiting for purpose...

This is Dominick. He just turned 10 in December. My first born son, Dominick is a more intense male version of yours truly. Almost everything about him is just like his mom, but amped up a bit. He's smart -- much smarter than me...intensely competitive, full of passion, responsibility, an exceptionally strong will, and often victim to his incessant stream of strategic, logical thoughts and ideas.

And there is a serious battle going on for this guy. He's going to win...God is going to win, and I can't wait to see the victory.

At VWS this past Sunday, pastor Jim taught the kids about "purpose." Last night, while I was tucking Dominick into bed after another battle of wills (we have those often in our house), he asked me if I knew what his purpose was in life. He was feeling pretty bad after losing some privileges for some bad choices earlier in the evening, and he wondered, was his purpose ultimately to die? Was it to argue with his parents? Was it to make bad choices and always feel like he's fighting against the world?

As we often do, Dominick and I talked about his gift of "passion." Passion is one of those "gifts" that, when not exercised for good, can land folks in jail, chase away would-be friends, and leave one feeling intensely disappointed in oneself. When it's used for good, the results can be exponential and more far-reaching than one might have been able to imagine.

I'm convinced that Dominick's mix of gifts and talents and passion have been placed in him for a purpose. As we talked and prayed last night, I asked God to reveal his purpose to Dominick. In my heart, though, I felt like it would come in time, when he's closer to being a "grown up" when people come to know their purpose...when you're a kid, it's just about being a kid, right?

Wrong.

All morning, Dominick was on my mind...why should he, can he not have purpose NOW? And, how empowering and scary to the bad guy trying to mess with Dominick's head would it be for Dominick to live out today's purpose instead of believing the lies that he's not worth much and is just meant to die or make bad choices or be a disappointment. He's not hearing those lies from his parents...they are coming from an enemy that is trying to lie to him and wear him down...why? Because this kid is going to be DANGEROUS for God!

And, I don't have to wait to see it...I can encourage and call out purpose in my 10 year old right now, today...

I'd love it if you'd please keep Dominick in your prayers, friends. And, share your ideas about how to help kids see purpose in their lives...