Courage is relative...

This might be slightly random, but I woke up around 3:15am last night with that phrase on my heart:  Courage is relative.

What is brave or courageous to me, might be easy for you.  What is easy for me, might take every ounce of gumption you can muster.  Courage is relative.

As I tried to press into it, I realized I have too often been controlled by a fear of hurting someone else by doing what is right for me.  This kind of fear is really co-dependence, I think.  It's about the fear of embracing and then acting on the understanding that I am really worthy of a better, different life...because whatever my current situation is safe and predictable.  Even if it's mediocre, it's at best laced with only a glimmer of the "big life" that I'm capable, worthy of and called into.  It took courage for me to step out of that safe life into this new, unpredictable one.  And, even now, each step requires a big, deep breath and a summoning of courage.  


My courage, for where I am right now.

And, it's not the same as the courage that you need to call on right now.

I'm guessing that for most of us, there is some big decision looming.  Some next step we think we might want -- or maybe even need -- to take.  Some challenge or dream that is crystal clear, but feels un-attainable.  Some risk or adventure that makes us tingle with anticipation but that we just haven't acted on yet.

In fact, I have a list of friends that I'm praying for.  And, in every case, that "courage" word keeps coming up.  Each of them is in a different situation.  Opportunities.  Challenges.  Storms to keep walking through.  New adventures to take on.  Big changes to navigate.

Whatever the case may be, I'm praying courage over each of you.  I'm praying courage for our society, actually...I'm tempted to get on a soap box here about the lack of courage to simply do the right thing, be honest, have integrity, admit our weaknesses, take bold steps out of love for others or ourselves.  Courage to stop behaving as if our lives don't matter, and that we should allow ourselves to be walked on, manipulated, pressured or bored into anything other than the big life that we're called to.
(soap box officially stepped onto...sorry...will step back down now).

As I re-read this post, it really is pretty random.  Courage is relative, and necessary to get to wherever we are being called by God.

So, for now, I'm going to keep praying courage over my friends and anyone else that I sense God tells me to...and, I'm going to update the mantra I wrote about a few weeks ago...now:  Be Courageous.  Trust and Receive.

flikr.com creative commons image from:   thebuffafamily

The year of awakening...better late than never...

So, at the beginning of 2012, I decided that this would be the year of "awakening."  I wanted to wake up to life -- to be more aware, more alive, alert, present.  To live more than ever in the "moment."  Try new things.  Laugh from my belly.  Feel my emotions.  Work hard from my gifts and be amazed at the energy it brings me rather than fatigued from useless toil.  Love and receive love.  Trust.

Over the past several weeks (or maybe it's been even longer than that), though, I forgot that this was the year of awakening...

And, I think I kinda fell asleep.

After I injured my hip running about 6 weeks ago, I started to shrink back into old patterns...and maybe some new patterns that weren't all that healthy.  I was becoming selfish, feeling sorry for myself a lot, and found anger and un-forgiveness making their way back into my thoughts.  I could feel it happening, but momentum works in both positive and negative directions, and I didn't put up much of a fight.

I hadn't stopped praying, but even my prayers had become selfish ones.  All about me...make me better.  Make me whole.  Give me strength.  Gimme this...gimme that.

In the quiet moments, I could hear God whispering me back, and then one night about two weeks ago, while I was looking for some inspiration to "pick me up," This verse came up on my computer screen:

"But everything exposed by the light becomes visible -- and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.  This is why it is said:  'Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.'"
Ephesians 5:13-14

Honestly, I looked at it and read it probably 5 times and I knew that I was supposed to be really hearing it,  and I felt a little spark in my heart, but it seemed to be a lone ember...

That Sunday, I went to church.  You'll never guess what verse Tim was teaching from...yep; that one.

I looked over at Ali and said "Ok...Clearly, He's trying to tell me something here, I'd better pay attention..."

And, He spoke.  Loudly.  Here's what He said (yea, it's a lot, but many of these are repeat messages that He keeps telling me over and over again since I'm stubborn don't retain them well...):

• Wake Up, Child.  See this video for reference...(not the greatest video, but a great song).  You've been asleep too long.  You said this was the year to Wake Up, so DO IT.  
• You are shrinking back from the light for all the wrong reasons.  Why are you letting someone else's' words define who you are.  Stop hiding from people because you think that they might have been told something that's not true about you.  Show them who you are.  That's your job...not anyone else's.
• Your apathy is disobedient and selfish.  You're sitting on your gifts.  Start using the gifts I gave you again...you are happiest when you are using them.
• I will restore your ability to trust and to receive, if you let me.
• You are worth fighting for.  You are worth fighting for.  You are worth fighting for.  Just because some lame, imperfect humans haven't fought for you, I did, and I still am, and I always will.  Stop believing that no-one has or will fight for you...I'm right in front of you.
• Are you ready?  Because change is coming.  Refresh is coming.  Once you open your eyes, you're going to see it coming.  Trust and Receive.

I'm not going to get into too many details about what happened in the days that followed, but I will tell you this:  I am awake now.  Wide awake.  And I feel so blessed.  So 180-degrees from where I was.  The tears I was crying from pain and anguish have been replaced by genuine tears of gratitude and wonder.  

Later that Sunday, as I was walking out of church, a friend said to me "Ann, it's getting better."

It IS getting better.  I can look back a year ago and say that it is so so much better.  I am stronger.  I am more whole.  I am more and more and more and more "me" every day on this journey...and I'm less and less and less afraid.

So, my mantra and prayer right now is "Trust and Receive."  I'm ready for the year of awakening to begin, so watch out world...because I'm awake even before I hit starbucks every morning...and, as the song says, I'm gonna make history.

Photo from flickr creative commons photo stream:   Sean MacEntee

The Plan

I met up with a friend that I hadn't seen in probably 2 0r 3 years on Friday for a beer and a catch up. I knew he'd had a crazy year -- maybe as crazy as mine -- and I thought it would be great to commiserate a bit.

I quickly remembered why I had always loved our conversations...we always seem to get into discussions about God and His will...this time, we debated whether free will actually interrupts God's ideal plan, or whether the choices that we and others make are really just part of His Plan all along. I still haven't resolved where that netted out, but as I was driving home that night, I knew God was speaking to me with a wake-up call about "His Plan" for my life...

I have been praying a lot lately for the next chapter of God's plan for my life to get started. See, I'm expectant. (no, not that kind of expectant)...I'm expecting that God has an amazing plan for me. He's confirmed it and reassured me and shown me pictures and signs. And, each day, I wake up believing that His Plan will be revealed when He's good and ready to show me. And, I had shared with my friend that he should have hope and belief that God has a Plan for him too -- that after such a crappy year of loss and humility, that I just knew that God's Plan for him must be so awesome...

But, even as I said it Friday night, something felt "off" about it. And, as I drove home and prayed about it this weekend, I realized that what was "off" was my insistence that the Plan hadn't started yet. That I hadn't been walking every single day in His Plan -- and that the past 2 years or so weren't part of it. That I had insisted that if my friend would just trust, that God's great Plan for him would eventually be revealed...

The truth about His Plan, for me, is that these past few years of tear-down and erosion of everything that gave me security and identity was a chapter. And, more recently, this re-birth and re-definition and newfound understanding of trust is a chapter.

Last spring, I recall feeling a sense of being re-born into a new chapter -- not exactly that the story of my life up to that point wasn't part of the "book," but that there was a turning point in the book...this year, as the trees are blooming and the daffodils are coming up (early, I might add!), it feels like that all over again...another new chapter.

I am being made new. I am becoming. If a friend described me today, it would be a very very different description than two years ago.

My friend said, on Friday, "you're different...I can tell...more vulnerable. More 'you'."

I am different -- I'm not just on my way to being different...I am a better, wiser, more beautiful, joyful, surrendered, forgiving, trusting woman, friend, daughter and mother than I was a year ago...(oh yea, I'm also a runner...I couldn't have said that a year ago!)

So, I'm not waiting on His Plan anymore...I'm living in it. And, so so blessed to have so many amazing friends to be part of the story.

The Inner Critic

Sometimes I think that, the emptier my bucket, the louder the voice of the "inner critic" becomes.

Now, I'm going to ramble here for a bit...you don't have to read it...I'm writing it more for myself than for anyone else...

I'm trying hard to let God fill my bucket these days...I'm reading scripture and cranking (and crying to) worship music, and I hear God's voice pretty clearly. He tells me that He loves me just the way I am. That I'm beautiful -- not just cute or spunky, but b-e-a-utiful. That I'm intelligent, and that He made me that way -- that my brain is a gift, not a curse. That He has a plan for me, and that His timing is perfect -- and that I'll be totally blown away when I look back at what He's done for me.

And, I'm grateful for where I am and what I've got and that He's helped me begin to rebuild after years of being destroyed.

I "get it" that God loves every one of us. He loves our imperfections and flaws. He loves every little thing about us. He loves us deeply and unconditionally. I get that.

But, the Inner Critic seems to be telling me lately, that He (God) is the only one. That no-one else could ever or will ever have that level of unconditional, intimate, want-to-know-everything-about each other, love for me. Except maybe my mama. My brothers don't talk to me. My sister-in-law de-friended me. My dad won't stay on the phone with me for more than 5 minutes. And, with precious few exceptions, my friendships are pretty superficial. And, I'm starting to believe that people just aren't interested in deep, intimate relationships. Or, maybe they are, but they aren't really interested in getting to know "me" at all.

Interestingly, this is coming after I've just spent some good time over the past few months spending time with "me." Learning to enjoy my own company. And, it's been good...at least I thought I was...

And, this is coming at a time when I feel like God seems to be re-assuring me that I really was a good wife. That I really did try. That I really did pursue intimacy. That I really did communicate my needs and my hopes and my dreams and my feelings and that I really was interested in and tried to learn about his. I have struggled with others' perceptions of me in those areas...

So, I know this "Inner Critic" sure as heck isn't God talking to me. It's His big enemy, wanting to erode all the progress I've made. Wanting me to think that I'm un-lovable on earth. That I'll never be beautiful to anyone but God -- who thinks everyone is beautiful. That my intellect will always scare people off and keep them from wanting to get to know me. And, that if I don't shrink back into the coward and fake that's been able to "earn" the love (? maybe it was never love...maybe it was always just some superficial affection or tolerance?) of people that I thought were friends and family, then I don't stand a chance of experiencing that intimacy that I so long for with other human beings. Ironic, right? Because, that coward wasn't ever able to experience intimacy at all...I was too busy trying to be what others wanted me to be for anyone to ever know the real me.

So, before she beats me down, I need to drown out this Inner Critic. Shut her up for good.

I have no idea how to do this.

But, I think maybe it starts with asking God to get louder. And asking God to help me let Him fill my bucket. And admitting that I've been hurt and that it sucked and that its not "my fault" all the time. And letting myself feel that pain and then move beyond it because it's in the past.

Hmmm...Maybe I do know how to do this...

So, that's my prayer tonight. That He gets louder. And that His plan for me keeps moving forward. And that the hurts of the past stop haunting me. And that that damn Inner Critic goes away for good.

Two truths and a lie

I'm not sure when exactly I started believing lies about myself, but I know it was a loooong time ago.

Generally speaking, I'm getting healthier. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. One of the goals I set for myself last year was to really "feel" my strength in those four areas. And, it seems that whenever I start to feel it, the same old lies come back at me and knock me down.

The big lie that I've bought into most of my life is the one that says "I'm not worthy." Not worthy of love. Not worthy of respect. Not worthy of being pursued. Not worthy of fighting for. Not worthy of acceptance. Not worthy of being trusted

Today, I bought into it again. I let myself believe that I'm not worthy of being trusted. I won't go into details, but suffice to say that, as I'm prone to do, I internalized and blamed myself for a situation today that really wasn't about me not being trustworthy...it was more about someone else not being willing to trust.

But, this is one of the key lies that has tortured me for much of my life.

When I was young, I wasn't to be trusted to be out late...it didn't matter how responsible I was, I was given a message that I was expected to do something irresponsible. In my marriage, I bought into believing that my recollection of certain events or conversations wasn't accurate --my word couldn't be trusted.

Unfortunately, I've allowed myself into many situations where this message was repeated. Until I started to identify it and work hard to replace it with truth a year or so ago, I didn't even trust myself.

So, that all kinda sucks.

But, here's the good part. (you know that icebreaker game, where you tell two truths and a lie and then people have to guess what the lie is...? well, I just told you the lie...now I'll tell you the truths that I'm working on seeing...thank you to my friends and my kids who show me these truths...)

The first truth is, I am worthy of being trusted. That's not to say that I never do dumb stuff and make mistakes. But, I know my heart. And, in many situations, my "gut" discernment about things often proves out to be right. So, I'm worthy of being trusted, by others and by myself.

Here's the second truth: I can't control whether other people will trust me. I can do things to earn trust. But, ultimately, even when I do those things, someone else has to make the decision to trust me.

That's how trust works.

Just like love and affection and forgiveness and so many other things in life.

They are like see-saws...and it takes two people, putting equal weight into it, to make it work well.

When it works well, it's beautiful and rewarding and nurtures relationships that produce growth, transformation and joy.

So, I'm going to trust that today's experience has been a growth-ful one for me...I'm going to have the courage to trust myself and continue to put myself "out there" to be trusted...because I want all that growth and transformation and joy so much more than I want the safety of never asking to be trusted.

Belief > Hope

A year ago today, I made a choice.

It was a choice I had been trying to make for several years.

A year ago, a glimmer of hope shown through darkness and made me think maybe, just maybe my life could be different. Maybe I was worth so more than I had come to believe I was. Maybe I was born with destiny. Maybe my story wasn't anywhere near complete. Maybe the dreams and visions I had for so many years were shown to me for a reason. And, maybe I could re-discover who I was and teach my kids about being brave and honest and about following God. Maybe, if I took this step, the next one would be clearer.

I couldn't have imagined what I'd go through this year. So many chains broken and so much freedom discovered.

In hindsight, relationships that were standing between me and God are gone. Old "truths" about who I was fell away, replaced with evidence of God's truth.

Throughout the year, hope has come and gone and come again.

Over the past several weeks, I'd been asking God to give me hope in abundance. Selfishly, I asked Him for proof that Hope is Alive. And, as He does, He showed up in the most unexpected ways...

First, a vivid dream...I won't get into it since some of you will think I'm nutty (some of you already know I'm a bit of a Jesus freak)...but, there was a sailboat (I'm the sailboat here), it gets nearly capsized by a powerful, fresh wind; rightsizes and begins a journey of purpose, speed and direction that it never expected. As I've prayed into it, it's clear to me that He's got a plan for me...

Then, a random email encounter with a real man of God. A man that I'll probably never meet, but who wrote of God's definition of marriage and man.

Finally, an invitation to dance and socialize with three couples that I really don't know well at all. Against my nature, I accepted the invite. Throughout the evening, an unexpected gift: I saw couples who love and touch and dance and laugh and genuinely enjoy each other.

Cowardly confession: I still only had hope that I was worth a different life; that society hadn't eroded the courage and conviction of 99.9% of men; and that love can last.

Today, it hit me. Hope is great, but I'm ready to move beyond hope.

I'm making a choice today.

I'm choosing belief over hope.

See, hope is beautiful, but is always clouded with a mist of "maybe." For me, that's driven by the voice I battle that says I'm not worth whatever I'm hoping for. And the pessimism that creeps into my heart from time to time that people just don't fight for others -- let alone themselves...it's just too easy to give in to fear and insecurity and mediocrity.

But, belief is hope with conviction.

Belief says "I know" this is going to happen. I know my life will be different. Not that my life can be different, but that it will be different. That my story will be amazing. That I am worth more to my Father than I can ever imagine."

It's a bold choice. It would be easier to stick with hope. But, I will choose belief, and I will ask my friends to hold me to it. And I will start living differently today because of the choice.

Will you join me?

a better story

"We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn't mean anything and that humanity has no great purpose. It's a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder. How grateful we are to hear these stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them." - Donald Miller, from "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years"

I didn't want to finish this book. I stalled and read just a few pages at a time...it was that good...I just didn't want it to end.

Never has a book read me like this one did -- at this very moment in my life.

This moment of transformation. Hope. Belief that I can have a better story. Embracing that I'm worthy of a better story. Serious, difficult, chain-breaking honesty with myself. Learning to walk on the right side of the line that divides self-deprecating levels of humility from fully embracing the glory of who I was created to be and the story I was created to live and tell; and the countless stories I was created to intersect and inspire.

You and I were created to live an amazing story. There are so many opportunities right in front of us, every day. Beauty that we can choose to appreciate or rush by. Risks we can embrace or shy away from. Relationships we can initiate and invest in or keep at arm's length. Hurt and shame we can leave behind or choose to hold onto.

I'm starting small, but committing myself to making little steps every day...each of these are new habits for me...so, it's a risk to break my routine, which I've recently realized I was really attached to...something about when your routine gets thrown out the window and you have no choice but to embrace each moment...

• Run. Already blogged about this one...
• Enjoy decorating my house -- even though I know I probably won't stay in this house very long, I really like to decorate and I want my space to reflect who I am...so, instead of rationalizing why I shouldn't invest the time or money, I'm going to enjoy it.
• Laugh with my kids. I'm working hard to be "present" with my kids. To close the computer and put down the iphone and really listen when they talk. Giggle with them when they are silly at the dinner table.
• Ask for help. Reaching out to friends to ask for help and offer to help. Share my pain and sadness and fear; and my victories and accomplishments and celebrations. I don't have to do it all myself.
• Choose hope. My friend, Ali, models this really well. Fear and loneliness and self-pity pull strongly, but hope is stronger, when I choose to allow it to be.

There are more to come...but for now, READ THIS BOOK. Please. Start living a better story. If you're reading this, welcome to my story...I want to hear your story. I want to learn from you and marvel at whatever inspiration or idea or insight comes from the intersection of your story with mine. Are you ready to start living a better story?