Courage is relative...

This might be slightly random, but I woke up around 3:15am last night with that phrase on my heart:  Courage is relative.

What is brave or courageous to me, might be easy for you.  What is easy for me, might take every ounce of gumption you can muster.  Courage is relative.

As I tried to press into it, I realized I have too often been controlled by a fear of hurting someone else by doing what is right for me.  This kind of fear is really co-dependence, I think.  It's about the fear of embracing and then acting on the understanding that I am really worthy of a better, different life...because whatever my current situation is safe and predictable.  Even if it's mediocre, it's at best laced with only a glimmer of the "big life" that I'm capable, worthy of and called into.  It took courage for me to step out of that safe life into this new, unpredictable one.  And, even now, each step requires a big, deep breath and a summoning of courage.  


My courage, for where I am right now.

And, it's not the same as the courage that you need to call on right now.

I'm guessing that for most of us, there is some big decision looming.  Some next step we think we might want -- or maybe even need -- to take.  Some challenge or dream that is crystal clear, but feels un-attainable.  Some risk or adventure that makes us tingle with anticipation but that we just haven't acted on yet.

In fact, I have a list of friends that I'm praying for.  And, in every case, that "courage" word keeps coming up.  Each of them is in a different situation.  Opportunities.  Challenges.  Storms to keep walking through.  New adventures to take on.  Big changes to navigate.

Whatever the case may be, I'm praying courage over each of you.  I'm praying courage for our society, actually...I'm tempted to get on a soap box here about the lack of courage to simply do the right thing, be honest, have integrity, admit our weaknesses, take bold steps out of love for others or ourselves.  Courage to stop behaving as if our lives don't matter, and that we should allow ourselves to be walked on, manipulated, pressured or bored into anything other than the big life that we're called to.
(soap box officially stepped onto...sorry...will step back down now).

As I re-read this post, it really is pretty random.  Courage is relative, and necessary to get to wherever we are being called by God.

So, for now, I'm going to keep praying courage over my friends and anyone else that I sense God tells me to...and, I'm going to update the mantra I wrote about a few weeks ago...now:  Be Courageous.  Trust and Receive.

flikr.com creative commons image from:   thebuffafamily

The Inner Critic

Sometimes I think that, the emptier my bucket, the louder the voice of the "inner critic" becomes.

Now, I'm going to ramble here for a bit...you don't have to read it...I'm writing it more for myself than for anyone else...

I'm trying hard to let God fill my bucket these days...I'm reading scripture and cranking (and crying to) worship music, and I hear God's voice pretty clearly. He tells me that He loves me just the way I am. That I'm beautiful -- not just cute or spunky, but b-e-a-utiful. That I'm intelligent, and that He made me that way -- that my brain is a gift, not a curse. That He has a plan for me, and that His timing is perfect -- and that I'll be totally blown away when I look back at what He's done for me.

And, I'm grateful for where I am and what I've got and that He's helped me begin to rebuild after years of being destroyed.

I "get it" that God loves every one of us. He loves our imperfections and flaws. He loves every little thing about us. He loves us deeply and unconditionally. I get that.

But, the Inner Critic seems to be telling me lately, that He (God) is the only one. That no-one else could ever or will ever have that level of unconditional, intimate, want-to-know-everything-about each other, love for me. Except maybe my mama. My brothers don't talk to me. My sister-in-law de-friended me. My dad won't stay on the phone with me for more than 5 minutes. And, with precious few exceptions, my friendships are pretty superficial. And, I'm starting to believe that people just aren't interested in deep, intimate relationships. Or, maybe they are, but they aren't really interested in getting to know "me" at all.

Interestingly, this is coming after I've just spent some good time over the past few months spending time with "me." Learning to enjoy my own company. And, it's been good...at least I thought I was...

And, this is coming at a time when I feel like God seems to be re-assuring me that I really was a good wife. That I really did try. That I really did pursue intimacy. That I really did communicate my needs and my hopes and my dreams and my feelings and that I really was interested in and tried to learn about his. I have struggled with others' perceptions of me in those areas...

So, I know this "Inner Critic" sure as heck isn't God talking to me. It's His big enemy, wanting to erode all the progress I've made. Wanting me to think that I'm un-lovable on earth. That I'll never be beautiful to anyone but God -- who thinks everyone is beautiful. That my intellect will always scare people off and keep them from wanting to get to know me. And, that if I don't shrink back into the coward and fake that's been able to "earn" the love (? maybe it was never love...maybe it was always just some superficial affection or tolerance?) of people that I thought were friends and family, then I don't stand a chance of experiencing that intimacy that I so long for with other human beings. Ironic, right? Because, that coward wasn't ever able to experience intimacy at all...I was too busy trying to be what others wanted me to be for anyone to ever know the real me.

So, before she beats me down, I need to drown out this Inner Critic. Shut her up for good.

I have no idea how to do this.

But, I think maybe it starts with asking God to get louder. And asking God to help me let Him fill my bucket. And admitting that I've been hurt and that it sucked and that its not "my fault" all the time. And letting myself feel that pain and then move beyond it because it's in the past.

Hmmm...Maybe I do know how to do this...

So, that's my prayer tonight. That He gets louder. And that His plan for me keeps moving forward. And that the hurts of the past stop haunting me. And that that damn Inner Critic goes away for good.