I've never been a fan of heights...

Something about heights has always scared me.  I don't mind flying, but tall buildings, especially in the open air kinda freak me out.  I love the view that you get, but looking "down" stirs up the fear in me every time.

Now, I've learned over time to deal with this fear and that the view is always worth a bit of trepidation, and I have really enjoyed visits to the Hancock Center in Chicago and the Empire State Building in New York City.  Each time, I focus on looking outward and upward rather than downward, and I do just fine.  That's where the better view is anyway, right?

I was thinking about this fear of "looking down" today and its a strong analog for my life the past year.

A year ago this week, I got fired.  From a job that I thought I was pretty good at.  I thought I was adding a lot of value.  I thought I was pretty indispensable.  But, obviously, not everyone agreed with me.  My ego took at hit, certainly.

Deep down, I knew I'd be okay.  I knew that it was really for the better since I wasn't learning and growing the way I need to in order to stay motivated and energized and engaged in a job.

But, losing my job while in the middle of a divorce, while sitting on a house that I couldn't sell without paying a LOT of money to close the gap between what was owed and what the market would allow it to sell for, while grieving that I had moved my dad 400 miles away because I had to admit that I just couldn't take care of him anymore...well, that was kinda the last thing I thought I needed...

Today, a year later, I'm thrilled to be scaling up a young company that seems to be starting to hit its stride.  I'm renting an adorable cape cod that's just the right size for me and the kids.  I'm healing from a painful marriage and divorce.  The kids are adjusting and have made some new friends in their new school district.  I have friends...real friends and I'm making new ones, too.  I'm closer to broke than I've been in my adult life, but each month I make the bills and am able to have some fun with the kids.

And, most days, I look upward and outward, and don't allow myself to look down.  I've developed a trust in God and His provision that I never could have understood a year ago.  How He loves me.  How He provides for me.  How He's designed and gifted me.  How His is the most perfect, pure, unconditional love.

But, today, I looked down.

I do it every so often...and I get scared.  Like, really scared.

I feel alone.  Tired.  Unworthy of ever being loved or taken care of by anyone.  Convinced that I will always be on my own.  I feel the weight of the financial responsibility for my kids.  And the sinking feeling that I simply won't have enough money to pay for braces, college, my own health care expenses and insurance, clothes for the kids, experiences for the kids.  And the condemnation of feeling that I won't have enough time or energy to give my best to the long list of things that I pressure myself to give my best to each day.

But, the beautiful thing about this trust that I've grown over the past year is that whenever I look down and start to fear, God gently reminds me -- through the comforting hug from a friend; Anthony's laughter; Dominick's maturity and responsibility; the sparkle in Lanie's eyes; the warmth of the sun; the excitement of a prospective client; the gratefulness of a young leader that I was able to mentor -- that He's got my back.  That I'm on the exact journey that He designed me to be on.  And, that I have more than enough to survive.  In fact, He delights in the strength and conviction and courage and passion that I'm tapping into and that propel me forward every day.

And, I'm reminded to look upward and outward, because He's not going to let me fall...

Amen to that.

picture from flickr creative commons:   tentonipete

Belief > Hope

A year ago today, I made a choice.

It was a choice I had been trying to make for several years.

A year ago, a glimmer of hope shown through darkness and made me think maybe, just maybe my life could be different. Maybe I was worth so more than I had come to believe I was. Maybe I was born with destiny. Maybe my story wasn't anywhere near complete. Maybe the dreams and visions I had for so many years were shown to me for a reason. And, maybe I could re-discover who I was and teach my kids about being brave and honest and about following God. Maybe, if I took this step, the next one would be clearer.

I couldn't have imagined what I'd go through this year. So many chains broken and so much freedom discovered.

In hindsight, relationships that were standing between me and God are gone. Old "truths" about who I was fell away, replaced with evidence of God's truth.

Throughout the year, hope has come and gone and come again.

Over the past several weeks, I'd been asking God to give me hope in abundance. Selfishly, I asked Him for proof that Hope is Alive. And, as He does, He showed up in the most unexpected ways...

First, a vivid dream...I won't get into it since some of you will think I'm nutty (some of you already know I'm a bit of a Jesus freak)...but, there was a sailboat (I'm the sailboat here), it gets nearly capsized by a powerful, fresh wind; rightsizes and begins a journey of purpose, speed and direction that it never expected. As I've prayed into it, it's clear to me that He's got a plan for me...

Then, a random email encounter with a real man of God. A man that I'll probably never meet, but who wrote of God's definition of marriage and man.

Finally, an invitation to dance and socialize with three couples that I really don't know well at all. Against my nature, I accepted the invite. Throughout the evening, an unexpected gift: I saw couples who love and touch and dance and laugh and genuinely enjoy each other.

Cowardly confession: I still only had hope that I was worth a different life; that society hadn't eroded the courage and conviction of 99.9% of men; and that love can last.

Today, it hit me. Hope is great, but I'm ready to move beyond hope.

I'm making a choice today.

I'm choosing belief over hope.

See, hope is beautiful, but is always clouded with a mist of "maybe." For me, that's driven by the voice I battle that says I'm not worth whatever I'm hoping for. And the pessimism that creeps into my heart from time to time that people just don't fight for others -- let alone themselves...it's just too easy to give in to fear and insecurity and mediocrity.

But, belief is hope with conviction.

Belief says "I know" this is going to happen. I know my life will be different. Not that my life can be different, but that it will be different. That my story will be amazing. That I am worth more to my Father than I can ever imagine."

It's a bold choice. It would be easier to stick with hope. But, I will choose belief, and I will ask my friends to hold me to it. And I will start living differently today because of the choice.

Will you join me?