Courage is relative...

This might be slightly random, but I woke up around 3:15am last night with that phrase on my heart:  Courage is relative.

What is brave or courageous to me, might be easy for you.  What is easy for me, might take every ounce of gumption you can muster.  Courage is relative.

As I tried to press into it, I realized I have too often been controlled by a fear of hurting someone else by doing what is right for me.  This kind of fear is really co-dependence, I think.  It's about the fear of embracing and then acting on the understanding that I am really worthy of a better, different life...because whatever my current situation is safe and predictable.  Even if it's mediocre, it's at best laced with only a glimmer of the "big life" that I'm capable, worthy of and called into.  It took courage for me to step out of that safe life into this new, unpredictable one.  And, even now, each step requires a big, deep breath and a summoning of courage.  


My courage, for where I am right now.

And, it's not the same as the courage that you need to call on right now.

I'm guessing that for most of us, there is some big decision looming.  Some next step we think we might want -- or maybe even need -- to take.  Some challenge or dream that is crystal clear, but feels un-attainable.  Some risk or adventure that makes us tingle with anticipation but that we just haven't acted on yet.

In fact, I have a list of friends that I'm praying for.  And, in every case, that "courage" word keeps coming up.  Each of them is in a different situation.  Opportunities.  Challenges.  Storms to keep walking through.  New adventures to take on.  Big changes to navigate.

Whatever the case may be, I'm praying courage over each of you.  I'm praying courage for our society, actually...I'm tempted to get on a soap box here about the lack of courage to simply do the right thing, be honest, have integrity, admit our weaknesses, take bold steps out of love for others or ourselves.  Courage to stop behaving as if our lives don't matter, and that we should allow ourselves to be walked on, manipulated, pressured or bored into anything other than the big life that we're called to.
(soap box officially stepped onto...sorry...will step back down now).

As I re-read this post, it really is pretty random.  Courage is relative, and necessary to get to wherever we are being called by God.

So, for now, I'm going to keep praying courage over my friends and anyone else that I sense God tells me to...and, I'm going to update the mantra I wrote about a few weeks ago...now:  Be Courageous.  Trust and Receive.

flikr.com creative commons image from:   thebuffafamily

a better story

"We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn't mean anything and that humanity has no great purpose. It's a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder. How grateful we are to hear these stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them." - Donald Miller, from "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years"

I didn't want to finish this book. I stalled and read just a few pages at a time...it was that good...I just didn't want it to end.

Never has a book read me like this one did -- at this very moment in my life.

This moment of transformation. Hope. Belief that I can have a better story. Embracing that I'm worthy of a better story. Serious, difficult, chain-breaking honesty with myself. Learning to walk on the right side of the line that divides self-deprecating levels of humility from fully embracing the glory of who I was created to be and the story I was created to live and tell; and the countless stories I was created to intersect and inspire.

You and I were created to live an amazing story. There are so many opportunities right in front of us, every day. Beauty that we can choose to appreciate or rush by. Risks we can embrace or shy away from. Relationships we can initiate and invest in or keep at arm's length. Hurt and shame we can leave behind or choose to hold onto.

I'm starting small, but committing myself to making little steps every day...each of these are new habits for me...so, it's a risk to break my routine, which I've recently realized I was really attached to...something about when your routine gets thrown out the window and you have no choice but to embrace each moment...

• Run. Already blogged about this one...
• Enjoy decorating my house -- even though I know I probably won't stay in this house very long, I really like to decorate and I want my space to reflect who I am...so, instead of rationalizing why I shouldn't invest the time or money, I'm going to enjoy it.
• Laugh with my kids. I'm working hard to be "present" with my kids. To close the computer and put down the iphone and really listen when they talk. Giggle with them when they are silly at the dinner table.
• Ask for help. Reaching out to friends to ask for help and offer to help. Share my pain and sadness and fear; and my victories and accomplishments and celebrations. I don't have to do it all myself.
• Choose hope. My friend, Ali, models this really well. Fear and loneliness and self-pity pull strongly, but hope is stronger, when I choose to allow it to be.

There are more to come...but for now, READ THIS BOOK. Please. Start living a better story. If you're reading this, welcome to my story...I want to hear your story. I want to learn from you and marvel at whatever inspiration or idea or insight comes from the intersection of your story with mine. Are you ready to start living a better story?

freedom

The birdcage in my family room is empty. It represents my past...limiting, confining, artificial boundaries set by someone other than me. I've been inspired, moved (to tears tonight, when I found this one and brought it home), motivated, reminded and hopeful each time I've seen a birdcage over the past year.

Tonight, I was trying to decide whether to keep the door on the cage open or close it.

On one hand, I like the celebration of the open door. The freedom it signifies. The release. That first gush of fresh air that the trapped bird feels as she leaves the cage.

But, as I was reflecting on this whole journey I'm on to recover from being a coward, I realized that I want that door to be closed. Shut tight. I never want to be in a cage again. And, the door needs to stay closed because sometimes it's really tempting to go right back into that cage.

In the cage, it's safe and predictable. I know how to survive in the cage. The fear that I can survive outside the cage is real and it taunts me with self-doubt and reminders of the woman I let myself believe I was.

My mom came over today and she was cleaning out the hummingbird feeder that she had put in the front yard for the kids several weeks ago. She told me that we can pack it away til spring because the hummingbirds had all migrated by now. To Panama. Seriously...those little tiny creatures make it from Cincinnati to Panama.

And I realized, in that moment, that the fear I have to fly away from that cage is not from the One that created me to fly.

I don't think those birds know the exact route they will take. I think they get stuck in storms and wind gusts and they just keep pressing on...flapping their wings harder when they need to, gliding when they get a little tired. Relying on the other birds they're with to help guide them and keep them company and enjoy the flight. Somehow, they find food and rest and everything they need along the way.

If those little hummingbirds can make it all the way to Panama, I can shut the door on the cage of the boundaries I had on my life and spread my wings and fly with expectation to the place I'll spend the next season...

So, the door on the birdcage in my family room will stay closed as a reminder that I have all that I need out here, and that the place I'm heading is so much better.

Who I am

A few weeks ago, I was at church for a prayer and worship night. I knew I needed to just be quiet for awhile and let God talk to me a bit. I had asked Him one simple question: who am I?

This is the list of words that I felt like he was giving me...I wrote them down, in the dark of the church as the worship music was playing (hence the messy handwriting):

Redeemed
Released
Refreshed
Free
Given
Touched
Anointed
Planned
Provided
Surrounded
Carried
Held
Becoming
Joy
Treasure
Treasured
Changed

Whoa, right? He really kinda likes me, eh?

Here's the thing...He has had to remind me of these things so often. I so easily let gravity pull me back into other beliefs about myself.

One of the disciplines I've been working on over the past year or so is asking others (including the Big Guy Himself) to give me words to describe me -- not just because I want to hear nice things about myself, but really because I need to re-learn, re-program my beliefs about who I am. Healthy practice...you should try it.

Tonight I needed to re-read a few of these words. This particular list I have tacked to a mirror in my room.

The coward I used to be would look in the mirror to find the flaws. It was the "humble" thing to do, she thought. The recovering coward knows that it takes a brave woman to embrace the good and bad about herself...I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone else...What I mean is, once I embrace the glory of who I am, I have to act on it. I can't hide behind beliefs that I'm not worthy of an extraordinary life. I have to get out and embrace life, change, opportunity. And, that's a whole new habit for me. But, I'm doing it. Every day. (well, just about every day).

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!