Courage is relative...

This might be slightly random, but I woke up around 3:15am last night with that phrase on my heart:  Courage is relative.

What is brave or courageous to me, might be easy for you.  What is easy for me, might take every ounce of gumption you can muster.  Courage is relative.

As I tried to press into it, I realized I have too often been controlled by a fear of hurting someone else by doing what is right for me.  This kind of fear is really co-dependence, I think.  It's about the fear of embracing and then acting on the understanding that I am really worthy of a better, different life...because whatever my current situation is safe and predictable.  Even if it's mediocre, it's at best laced with only a glimmer of the "big life" that I'm capable, worthy of and called into.  It took courage for me to step out of that safe life into this new, unpredictable one.  And, even now, each step requires a big, deep breath and a summoning of courage.  


My courage, for where I am right now.

And, it's not the same as the courage that you need to call on right now.

I'm guessing that for most of us, there is some big decision looming.  Some next step we think we might want -- or maybe even need -- to take.  Some challenge or dream that is crystal clear, but feels un-attainable.  Some risk or adventure that makes us tingle with anticipation but that we just haven't acted on yet.

In fact, I have a list of friends that I'm praying for.  And, in every case, that "courage" word keeps coming up.  Each of them is in a different situation.  Opportunities.  Challenges.  Storms to keep walking through.  New adventures to take on.  Big changes to navigate.

Whatever the case may be, I'm praying courage over each of you.  I'm praying courage for our society, actually...I'm tempted to get on a soap box here about the lack of courage to simply do the right thing, be honest, have integrity, admit our weaknesses, take bold steps out of love for others or ourselves.  Courage to stop behaving as if our lives don't matter, and that we should allow ourselves to be walked on, manipulated, pressured or bored into anything other than the big life that we're called to.
(soap box officially stepped onto...sorry...will step back down now).

As I re-read this post, it really is pretty random.  Courage is relative, and necessary to get to wherever we are being called by God.

So, for now, I'm going to keep praying courage over my friends and anyone else that I sense God tells me to...and, I'm going to update the mantra I wrote about a few weeks ago...now:  Be Courageous.  Trust and Receive.

flikr.com creative commons image from:   thebuffafamily

Belief > Hope

A year ago today, I made a choice.

It was a choice I had been trying to make for several years.

A year ago, a glimmer of hope shown through darkness and made me think maybe, just maybe my life could be different. Maybe I was worth so more than I had come to believe I was. Maybe I was born with destiny. Maybe my story wasn't anywhere near complete. Maybe the dreams and visions I had for so many years were shown to me for a reason. And, maybe I could re-discover who I was and teach my kids about being brave and honest and about following God. Maybe, if I took this step, the next one would be clearer.

I couldn't have imagined what I'd go through this year. So many chains broken and so much freedom discovered.

In hindsight, relationships that were standing between me and God are gone. Old "truths" about who I was fell away, replaced with evidence of God's truth.

Throughout the year, hope has come and gone and come again.

Over the past several weeks, I'd been asking God to give me hope in abundance. Selfishly, I asked Him for proof that Hope is Alive. And, as He does, He showed up in the most unexpected ways...

First, a vivid dream...I won't get into it since some of you will think I'm nutty (some of you already know I'm a bit of a Jesus freak)...but, there was a sailboat (I'm the sailboat here), it gets nearly capsized by a powerful, fresh wind; rightsizes and begins a journey of purpose, speed and direction that it never expected. As I've prayed into it, it's clear to me that He's got a plan for me...

Then, a random email encounter with a real man of God. A man that I'll probably never meet, but who wrote of God's definition of marriage and man.

Finally, an invitation to dance and socialize with three couples that I really don't know well at all. Against my nature, I accepted the invite. Throughout the evening, an unexpected gift: I saw couples who love and touch and dance and laugh and genuinely enjoy each other.

Cowardly confession: I still only had hope that I was worth a different life; that society hadn't eroded the courage and conviction of 99.9% of men; and that love can last.

Today, it hit me. Hope is great, but I'm ready to move beyond hope.

I'm making a choice today.

I'm choosing belief over hope.

See, hope is beautiful, but is always clouded with a mist of "maybe." For me, that's driven by the voice I battle that says I'm not worth whatever I'm hoping for. And the pessimism that creeps into my heart from time to time that people just don't fight for others -- let alone themselves...it's just too easy to give in to fear and insecurity and mediocrity.

But, belief is hope with conviction.

Belief says "I know" this is going to happen. I know my life will be different. Not that my life can be different, but that it will be different. That my story will be amazing. That I am worth more to my Father than I can ever imagine."

It's a bold choice. It would be easier to stick with hope. But, I will choose belief, and I will ask my friends to hold me to it. And I will start living differently today because of the choice.

Will you join me?

Who I am

A few weeks ago, I was at church for a prayer and worship night. I knew I needed to just be quiet for awhile and let God talk to me a bit. I had asked Him one simple question: who am I?

This is the list of words that I felt like he was giving me...I wrote them down, in the dark of the church as the worship music was playing (hence the messy handwriting):

Redeemed
Released
Refreshed
Free
Given
Touched
Anointed
Planned
Provided
Surrounded
Carried
Held
Becoming
Joy
Treasure
Treasured
Changed

Whoa, right? He really kinda likes me, eh?

Here's the thing...He has had to remind me of these things so often. I so easily let gravity pull me back into other beliefs about myself.

One of the disciplines I've been working on over the past year or so is asking others (including the Big Guy Himself) to give me words to describe me -- not just because I want to hear nice things about myself, but really because I need to re-learn, re-program my beliefs about who I am. Healthy practice...you should try it.

Tonight I needed to re-read a few of these words. This particular list I have tacked to a mirror in my room.

The coward I used to be would look in the mirror to find the flaws. It was the "humble" thing to do, she thought. The recovering coward knows that it takes a brave woman to embrace the good and bad about herself...I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone else...What I mean is, once I embrace the glory of who I am, I have to act on it. I can't hide behind beliefs that I'm not worthy of an extraordinary life. I have to get out and embrace life, change, opportunity. And, that's a whole new habit for me. But, I'm doing it. Every day. (well, just about every day).

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!