Great Expectations

This morning I went with my reset group to the prayer experience at Crossroads.

Even before I left this morning, I had been thinking about expectations.

More honestly, I was angry.

I've had a rough week or two. Mostly because I have allowed myself to be driven by, motivated by, and then frustrated by my perception of what other people expect from me.

Now, to be clear, I didn't reach that level of self-awareness about what was going on until wrestling this with God today.

See, I was angry because I just knew that people have unrealistic expectations of me. How dare they expect me to do, or fix, or say, or be whatever they are expecting me to do, fix, say or be? It's just not realistic to be so perfect, prescient, present...to have super powers that allow me to fix every problem immediately -- before it happens, preferably; to be three places at once; to know every detail of every situation going on around me and empathize with everyone's situation -- and find a solution that makes everyone happy.

Clearly, these people have a problem.

I should just tell them how ridiculous they are being. How they should know better. How they should think about all the things going on in my life and be a bit more empathetic and reasonable. How they should recognize and affirm how much I really am doing.

Even as I write this, it all looks so obvious, and yet, it took a while to see the flaw in my own logic and, even more, in my own heart on this topic.

How high are my expectation of others that they should know how I'm feeling without me saying anything about it? Maybe my expectations are the ones that are too high here.

This is all just a big mess. People have expectations of each other...and guess what? We'll never live up to each others expectations...and, more importantly, I realized this morning, I'll never live up to my own expectations of myself (sadly, I have to admit that, if I look at my life, it would tell me that I expect myself to be perfect, omni-present, all-knowing, merciful, yet convicting, etc...ummm, that sounds a bit lofty, don't you think?)

So, if I can't live up to my own expectations, or yours, what am I to do...

Here's what I heard this morning as I was praying...

First, let go of what I think others expect of me. I've made too many assumptions here, and even if they do expect the impossible, it's not my job to please everyone.

Second, recognize that God simply expects me to be me. Not to be Him. That's His job.

Third, maybe this quest for pleasing people by being so perfect is actually part of what makes me seem "intimidating"...

So, I'm going to jump into this messiness of being okay with me, even if I sense that people aren't so happy with me...

I'll let you know how it goes...

20-some years ago...

Okay...so, at the risk of totally dating myself, I have been thinking quite a bit lately about something that happened to me in my Junior year of high school...20-some years ago...

I went to Milford High School (proud member of the class of '89 -- Go Eagles!).

Now, it's important to understand that, as a teenager, I was bit of a nerd -- somewhat intelligent, but under-confident, and not at all sure where I really "fit".

One day, in my Junior year, I walked through the door into an English class with Mr. Roy Ferguson. Mr. Ferguson was a wonderful, older teacher from the northeast who loved Ernest Hemingway and Herman Melville. He was confined to a wheelchair by MS, and he had a passion for teaching and counseling students that was inspiring. I enjoyed Mr. Ferguson's class, and did fairly well, but didn't think there was anything remarkable about that...nothing remarkable about my writing or my participation in the class discussions or my answers to Mr. Ferguson's questions...

But, Mr. Ferguson did notice something "remarkable" about me. One day after class, he asked me to stay behind.

"Ann," he said, "you are a leader. Do you have any experience with the school newspaper or yearbook?"

(He knew I didn't, since he was the advisor for both groups).

I shyly said "No. But, I think I might be interested in writing."

Mr. Ferguson smiled and said: "Actually, I would like you to be the Editor-in-Chief of the yearbook for your Senior year. You'll need to pull a team together and lead all of the design and production of the book. I know you can do it. I know you'll be great. You ARE a leader, Ann."

I was stunned. Affirmed. Excited. Scared. Nervous. No-one had EVER called me a leader. No-one had EVER asked me to do something so important. No-one had EVER trusted me to create a team, set a vision, complete something so big. It was a key moment in my development and understanding of how I'm wired. Throughout the next year, he gently encouraged, empowered and enabled me to lead my team and produce the yearbook. It was a tremendous amount of work, I made a LOT of mistakes and I learned several lessons on leadership that I still carry with me today.

Many years later, I wrote Mr. Ferguson a letter thanking him for calling out something in me that I didn't see. Something that sparked development and self-awareness in me. Something that has impacted my life immeasurably. A year later, Mr. Ferguson died. But, his impact remains through me and so many countless other students he developed.

Who was it for you? Take a minute and thank someone that has spoken truth into your life about the amazing way you are wired and gifted. Then, pay it forward and call something out that you see in someone else...you never know what kind of impact you could have!