Humbled again...

So, last week I did something really stupid. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice it to say that it was dumb, and I knew it was, and I did it anyway. And, almost instantly I regretted it. It was not glorifying to God, or to my family or to my co-workers...just overall reproachful! Anyway, as I was beating myself up over it this weekend, realizing that I needed to confess to a few folks that witnessed my behavior, I was feeling pretty crappy about myself...and in the midst of all that, I had the most amazing dream Saturday night...

In my dream, I was pregnant...a little hand and foot were pressing against the skin of my belly -- like the baby was full term and ready to be born and trying to push his way out. It was so real...I could almost feel the pressure from those little limbs. I woke up wondering what it meant, and headed to church...

Tim gave a message on how God wants to use us to bring life to the world. He talked about how we're all "impregnated" by God -- not to be weird or gross, but really that he's placed life in us and wants us to birth it and nurture it in the world. (Pretty good message...check out VWS and download the podcast if you'd like).

I realized that, even through my crap and stupidity, God still wants to use me. He forgives me before I forgive myself. He was trying to tell me through my dream and then through that message on Sunday morning that He's given me a life and purpose to bring into the world!

I was reflecting this week on Romans 7 -- probably trying to punish myself a bit more...in vs. 15-24, Paul talks about the craziness of humanity where we find ourselves doing stupid things that we know are wrong, that we don't want to do, but we do them anyway. And, avoiding things we should be doing that are good...and how wretched we are. Interestingly, I remembered much of the language of this passage, but I didn't realize the ending...and the beginning of Chapter 8..."Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!...Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

So, I'm working on forgiving myself by trying to birth and nurture life, and live out the purposes He's called me to for the moment...and realizing that I can learn through my mistakes and imperfections and hopefully leverage them to make me a better, more humble leader and follower...

Am I a leader worth following?

So, this week at VWS, Tim taught on the characteristics of good leaders. Not the skill sets of leaders or the competencies of leaders or the strength or talent of leaders, but the integrity and character of leaders. Tough stuff. Very convicting.

I'd like to pick apart each of the 14 characteristics and explore where I am with each of them over the next few weeks. I think it will be challenging and scary, but a great pathway for growth and self-awareness.

The first one (from 1 Timothy 3) is that a leader is above reproach. The message version says "well thought of"...the amplified version says "must give no grounds for accusation"...KJV says "blameless". It's easy to gloss over that, but it's a high standard, isn't it? That means that leaders don't do things like gossip, drink too much, laugh at or tell a dirty joke, talk badly about someone behind their backs, hold prejudices, the list goes on. All very human things that I do from time to time -- probably more often than I even realize because so many of those things are almost expected and certainly very accepted. But, a leader is called to rise above all that -- because all of those things are reproachable! When someone does them, we think less of that person as a leader, don't we?

My vulnerability here is so clear. I'm weak and sometimes I just want to join in and feel like I'm part of the "crowd" or the cool people having all the "fun". For the next few days, I'm going to meditate on this idea of being blameless, above reproach, well-thought-of. I'm going to think about the leaders that I've followed and those that I've deliberately not followed -- I can already think of examples of where leaders did things that may have seemed small or insignificant to them at the time, but scarred their credibility in my eyes -- an unjust reaction to a co-worker, a dis-tasteful joke, an assumption based on a stereotype (isn't that pretty close to a prejudice?), etc. How many times today did I violate this character trait around those I lead, around those I lead with, or even in my own thoughts?

Here's my thinking on this...(I know, desperately logical and a bit predictable...but, that's me!):
1. Become more aware of what I'm doing that is reproachable.
2. Deliberately work on some new patterns and behaviors to replace old ones.
3. Confess to someone and ask them to hold me accountable.
4. Allow new habits and behaviors and God's grace grow me as a leader in these areas...

Want to try these steps with me? Let me know how you do...I'll check back soon!