How I'm Getting Over the Fear of Asking for Help

Asking for help has never been a strength of mine.

Somehow, along the way to "growing up" I bought into the "Ideal" that we were supposed to be independent. Fiercely so. That, being able to handle it all, on my own, was the mark of being successful and admirable and happy, and that I "should" aspire to be successful and admirable and happy.

My mom tells me that when I was young, my favorite phrase was "All by myself!" I wanted to do things on my own. I was in a big hurry to grow up so that I didn't need to depend on anyone else to take care of me.

Now, I've done a lot of soul searching over the past few years. And I know there's lots of depth behind why I developed such a need to do it all "myself." But, I've been working hard lately to shift that mindset.

And, here are two things I've learned that have really impacted how I think about asking for and receiving help.

First, I realized that, especially in America, the land where freedom is equated with independence, I'm not alone in having this deep seated need to take care of everyone on my own, and not ask for help. That realization was helpful and healthy, but not as breakthrough as the second thing I began reflecting on...

Helping others feels good. 

It's that simple. I realized that, for me, and for many (most?) people I know, helping feels really good.

And, to everyone else, I'm someone they could help. If only I'll ask, and take the help that's being offered.

So, I've been practicing.

• Asking mom and friends for help with the logistics of getting 3 kids where they need to be while working full time.
• Asking friends to listen when I need to talk.
• Letting someone else pay for my meal.
• Letting someone make me dinner.

And, the big one I'm learning on is this upcoming trip to Africa. I'm asking for financial and prayer support. And, receiving support...which feels a little weird.

I was talking with a friend the other night that does fundraising for a living. And he said the key insight into why people give is so that they can feel like they are making meaningful contribution to a cause they believe in. Even if they can't volunteer their time or energy, they can support financially.

At this point, I'm not in a position to support many causes with funding, but I can support with my time and energy. So, it all works together! This is my time to help the people of Soweto with my energy and time, and let others support with funds. And, that feels good for everyone.

So, would you like to support me for my trip to Africa this coming spring? If so, I will gratefully receive, and I hope that you will realize that your support is a meaningful contribution...and maybe next time, I'll be able to support the cause you're giving time and energy to.

Click here to support my trip!

(Photo from  Nagarjun Flickr Creative Commons)

He's been setting me up for this...

About six years ago, I was at a conference in Atlanta and a group of young men and women from Africa came on stage. As they sang and danced for God, I was seriously wrecked. I couldn't explain it, to be honest. But, as they finished, I heard a not-so-quiet prompting from God about going to Africa.

Preposterous, I thought. I had three young kids, a busy full time job that had me traveling with some regularity and a constant feeling that I was failing, miserably, at everything...to leave my kids and husband at home so I could go chasing God's prompting to Africa just didn't feel at all possible. But, I put it on my prayer list and asked God to open the door when He was ready.

Fast forward to several weeks ago. I've been going to Crossroads Church in Oakley for a few months now, and they recently announced that, after a few years hiatus, they were taking a group to South Africa on a mission trip in 2014. My heart pounded and raced. I panicked. I laughed. I cried. And, I signed up.

So, in a few months, I'm heading to South Africa for 10 days. I don't know yet what I'll be doing exactly, but will be working at Grace Bible Church in Soweto, South Africa.

Today as I sat in our kickoff meeting for the trip, I realized that six years ago, even one year ago probably, I hadn't yet learned to ask for help. Now I know I need to ask for help. I need help from my friends and family in order to step into this adventure.

I don't know what God has to show me and what He will prompt me to do when I get back, but I do know that I want whatever that is...

So, starting now, I'm asking for help. In exchange, I'm going to work on sharing more about my journey to this point...I haven't blogged since the beginning of the year...and I want to get back to it.

Will you consider supporting me? I need prayer support to keep my fears at bay, and financial support since I'm in no position to pay for this trip! (my how things change in a few years, huh?)

If you'd like to make a contribution to my trip, please click Ann Lauer's Africa Trip Donations.

In the meantime, watch this spot...I'll be back to share more about what's been going on in the past year as He's been setting me up to conquer a big cluster of fears that surround this trip!

The year of exponential

For the past few years, in lieu of making "resolutions," I've been setting a theme for the year. Interestingly, each year, as I try to listen for what God would have me focus on for the coming year, I get a pretty clear word, and, in my Type-A, (trying-to-recover-from-being-a) control freak way, I determine what the year will bring.

By this year, though, I think I've learned the lesson...each time I've defined and pre-determined what the theme of the year would really mean, I've been off.  Usually, my definition is too small...

2010 was the year of softening.  I had decided that I was too intimidating.  I needed to be more approachable, empathetic.  This would be the year that I became friendlier, kinder, gentler.  And, I did all those things.  But, 2010 brought an unexpected softening of my own, very hardened heart.  2010 was the year I began to feel again.  I began to feel the pain that I had calloused myself to for many years. And I began to sense that there was joy to be felt, too...and that led to 2011.

2011 was the year of courage.  Courage to walk away from the life I had known.  To step out in faith and make a different life for myself and my kids. To break a cycle that seemed like it might be impossible to break, but needed to, before it broke me...2011 was the year I wrestled through separation and divorce, leaving behind my home and money and job and all the things that I had come to think of as security.  Unexpected was the ushering in of trust -- which I know now is hand-in-hand connected to courage...Unprecedented trust led to 2012.

2012 was the year of awakening. I was going to wake up to my life -- be more present, have more fun, be more aware of making memories, run with strength and purpose.  I didn't and couldn't have anticipated how many areas of my life needed to awaken...beauty, wholeness, self.  I am awake and alive.  I'm not sure yet that I can even fully articulate what happened last year, but I feel like I've woken up to the woman that I was created to be, and fully embracing my own "awesomeness." (That's not bragging...its really that I woke up from incorrectly thinking that I was doing the right thing with all my negative self talk and doubts).  And, it's led to 2013.

The year of exponential. Now, admittedly, my first thought when I started hearing that word was that was really good news for my business!  Exponential growth for the business.  That was my original prediction about what this year will bring. And, that's when I realized that for the past few years, my prediction was way too small.

Exponential, n. any positive constant raised to a power (dictionary.com)

Yes, the business will grow exponentially...it's a positive, and I'm raising it to a power.  Along with every other positive on a very long list of positives in my life right now -- the resilience and joy and growth of my kids; depth of relationships; my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual strength; gratitude and provision that displaces fear; radiance from the inside out; there are so so many!

What the heck does God have planned for me this year!?  I know His plans are good and that I will prosper (Jeremiah 29:11) And, I plan to raise every positive constant in my life to Him.  And, I'm predicting that the results will be unexpected, unprecedented and exponential.

Bring. It. On. 2013. I'm ready for exponential-whatever-it-is.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a girl who woke up and realized that it was time to stop living as if she wasn't worth much.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who mustered up her courage and set out on a journey to re-invent her life and break the cycle of unworthiness.

She got fired from a job she didn't really love anyway.  She started using her gifts and talents and passions to do what she loves to do and let the provision that work become quite enough.  She walked away from relationships that were feeding her negativity.  She left behind the big house, big paychecks, and lots and lots and lots of "stuff."

She started each day asking God to show her opportunities to use her gifts, to expand her ability to impact others in a positive way, to sustain her and provide for her and her kids.

She went to bed each night thanking God for showing her a little bit more of His plan each day, for the incredible gifts and talents and passions that had been given to her and her kids, for friends that spoke of her worth and her beauty, and for His unending provision, mercy and grace.

And somehow, over the course of two years of fighting through fear and doubt, she began to really see and know her own uniqueness, beauty, glory, worth.

How deeply she is loved.

How far she had come.

How many patterns and habits and chains had been broken.

How everything that had happened would shape and inspire the days ahead.

How, all the moments she got tired and felt defeated, He was right there beside her; fighting for her; interceding for her; knowing her even more than she knew herself and making all the seemingly right and wrong details come together for good.

How He delivered on every single promise.

And she knew that His plan was just right for her, and that all it took was the courage to stop trying to write her own story, and let just Him be the author of her "once upon a time."

(photo from flickr creative commons:  timo_w2s)

Waiting on a warrior

If there is one, over-arching thing I've been learning this year, it's this:

The jealous lover of my soul has nothing less in mind for me than a warrior of integrity and courage, that makes me want to be more courageous and have more integrity. 

One who loves Jesus, and loves that I love Jesus.  

One who knows how I take my coffee.  

One who learns how I like to be kissed.  

One who can’t wait to hear the details of my day and share the details of his.  

One who never tires of learning me, and letting me learn him.  

One who "gets" how simultaneously messed up and gloriously made I am.  

One who celebrates my gifts, talents and passions as much as he celebrates and embraces his own.

I am worth it. 

And, as I talked through this a bit with a good friend tonight, I realized just how far I've come in the past year.

And, that God has faithfully used the struggle and pain of the past two years, and the years even before, to set me free.  

I appreciate freedom because I knew imprisonment and manipulation.

I appreciate provision because I lost much.

I know my beauty because it radiates from the inside out.

I know my worth because I know my maker.

I know joy because he is making me new.

I will wait on a warrior, because the jealous lover of my soul has nothing less in mind for me.

What I learned about healing from a deaf cat...

When I was in my early 20s, I was living in a little apartment with my best friend Brigid.  One weekend night, I went "home" to Mom & Dad's house to do some laundry.  While I was there, I was sitting on the couch with my Dad's 20-something year old cat, Snickers. Snickers had lost her hearing and most of her sense of balance a few months earlier, and although she was sweet and affectionate, she was also old and well, a bit confused.

When she started to fall off the couch (remember, no balance), I put my arm out to catch her, she got scared, and grabbed onto my hand.  With her mouth.  With her dirty, nasty, 20-year-old cat teeth.  Right through the bottom of my palm just above my wrist and under my pinky finger.  I screeched and yelped in pain, but managed to shake her off, and rinsed the tooth sized hole in my hand out with soap and water and headed home.

The next morning, I woke up feeling about as sick as I had ever felt in my life.  I couldn't walk.  Brigid wasn't home, so I literally rolled out of bed and onto the floor to call my Mom.  (I was in my 20s, so I had come to realize that Mom's know everything).  I had a few other symptoms that might make a mama worry about blood poisoning...so she quickly came to pick me up and we headed to the hospital.

In the ER, they swiftly strapped down my right arm to get an IV in me, while they proceeded use a toolbox full of shiny little picks and scissor looking knives to shovel out the poison in my left hand from where Snickers had bit me. I had never felt so vulnerable -- and I had never felt so much acute pain.  (Since then I've had 3 babies, so I trumped that pain and vulnerability a few times over, but at the time, it was pretty darn painful).

They must've dug around in my hand for 30 minutes.  And, after they finished, and bandaged it up and admitted me to make sure I had enough antibiotics to ward off anything, it still hurt.  Bad.

Little by little, the pain subsided.  After a few days, I was released and allowed to go home.

For a few weeks, I nursed the wound until it healed over completely.

Now, there's a tiny scar, but it's fully healed.

I remembered this story this week.  And, I've been remembering other stories of physical healing -- breaking my ankle, and the intensity of the pain when the Dr had to set it before casting it.  The intense pain of contractions and pushing out each of my three children.

I remembered these stories because I think this past month I've been experiencing the same intensity of pain, but emotionally.

See, for the past two years, I thought I'd been healing.  Healing from lots of years of damage and pain.  But, I think those two years have been kinda like when I went home and just went to bed after Snickers bit me 20 years ago...

Several weeks ago, in my prayer conversations with God, I sensed that I was ready for some healing.  Ready to "receive" something from Him.  I had been on a journey for several months of purifying my heart; learning to expect God to show up (rather than just hoping maybe He would), and I had heard Him say that the next step was to "receive."

Little did I realize, He still had some work to do.  Just like the Dr in the ER had to clean the gunk out of my hand, or set my broken ankle, God needed to set my heart in the right place.  And, He's been doing that the past few weeks.  It's come in the form of acknowledging some "lies" that I really needed to let go of if I was ever going to really heal.  And it's been really painful, but I've revealed four lies that I'm walking away from -- cleaning them out, because they are poison to me, and I can't heal if they're still around.

Lie #1:  I'm not beautiful.  I'm cute and smart.  But, I'm not beautiful.
I can't explain exactly how He has finally gotten through to me on this one, but I just don't believe it anymore.  I am beautiful.  I am beautiful when I'm smiling and joyful and living out my gifts -- doing what I love to do.  And my Father God thinks I'm beautiful.  That is all I need to know.

Lie #2:  Nothing good ever lasts.
I think through lots of bible reading, and taking deliberate inventory of things in my life that are good, and that have lasted, I've just realized that it's not at all true to make such a blanket statement.  So, I'm dropping this one, too.  God wants good things for me.  Things that last.  Relationships that last.  Gifts that keep getting better and bringing me more and more joy (like teaching, which I'm realizing I need to step back into).

Lie #3:  I have a lot of sin and "debt" to pay off before God's going to send me any blessings.
How can I deny the friendships I've found over the past two years as anything other than blessings?  This has been right in front of my face, but honestly, I've spent too much time over the past few years thinking about all the things I don't have rather than seeing all of the gifts and blessings that are right in front me.  They are innumerable.  And, I'm grateful beyond measure.

Lie #4  I'm not worthy of love, other than "obligatory love" (God and my mama).
I've been projecting a bit to debunk this one.  When I look at my kids, it's so so easy to see and believe and fight for them to feel and be loved.  And, to see so clearly and easily why they are worthy of love from me and from God and from anyone else that would care to get to know them.  Duh, I'm God's kid...so, it's true for me to.  Of course I'm worth it.

Whew...this entry is already long enough, but let me end by saying that healing involves pain.  Identifying the lies and cutting them out hurts.  The coward in me knew that.  And, she's been afraid.

But, the recovering coward is letting the tears of that pain just wash me clean and new.

God, keep me focused on the path you have me on...keep making me new and whole.

I've never been a fan of heights...

Something about heights has always scared me.  I don't mind flying, but tall buildings, especially in the open air kinda freak me out.  I love the view that you get, but looking "down" stirs up the fear in me every time.

Now, I've learned over time to deal with this fear and that the view is always worth a bit of trepidation, and I have really enjoyed visits to the Hancock Center in Chicago and the Empire State Building in New York City.  Each time, I focus on looking outward and upward rather than downward, and I do just fine.  That's where the better view is anyway, right?

I was thinking about this fear of "looking down" today and its a strong analog for my life the past year.

A year ago this week, I got fired.  From a job that I thought I was pretty good at.  I thought I was adding a lot of value.  I thought I was pretty indispensable.  But, obviously, not everyone agreed with me.  My ego took at hit, certainly.

Deep down, I knew I'd be okay.  I knew that it was really for the better since I wasn't learning and growing the way I need to in order to stay motivated and energized and engaged in a job.

But, losing my job while in the middle of a divorce, while sitting on a house that I couldn't sell without paying a LOT of money to close the gap between what was owed and what the market would allow it to sell for, while grieving that I had moved my dad 400 miles away because I had to admit that I just couldn't take care of him anymore...well, that was kinda the last thing I thought I needed...

Today, a year later, I'm thrilled to be scaling up a young company that seems to be starting to hit its stride.  I'm renting an adorable cape cod that's just the right size for me and the kids.  I'm healing from a painful marriage and divorce.  The kids are adjusting and have made some new friends in their new school district.  I have friends...real friends and I'm making new ones, too.  I'm closer to broke than I've been in my adult life, but each month I make the bills and am able to have some fun with the kids.

And, most days, I look upward and outward, and don't allow myself to look down.  I've developed a trust in God and His provision that I never could have understood a year ago.  How He loves me.  How He provides for me.  How He's designed and gifted me.  How His is the most perfect, pure, unconditional love.

But, today, I looked down.

I do it every so often...and I get scared.  Like, really scared.

I feel alone.  Tired.  Unworthy of ever being loved or taken care of by anyone.  Convinced that I will always be on my own.  I feel the weight of the financial responsibility for my kids.  And the sinking feeling that I simply won't have enough money to pay for braces, college, my own health care expenses and insurance, clothes for the kids, experiences for the kids.  And the condemnation of feeling that I won't have enough time or energy to give my best to the long list of things that I pressure myself to give my best to each day.

But, the beautiful thing about this trust that I've grown over the past year is that whenever I look down and start to fear, God gently reminds me -- through the comforting hug from a friend; Anthony's laughter; Dominick's maturity and responsibility; the sparkle in Lanie's eyes; the warmth of the sun; the excitement of a prospective client; the gratefulness of a young leader that I was able to mentor -- that He's got my back.  That I'm on the exact journey that He designed me to be on.  And, that I have more than enough to survive.  In fact, He delights in the strength and conviction and courage and passion that I'm tapping into and that propel me forward every day.

And, I'm reminded to look upward and outward, because He's not going to let me fall...

Amen to that.

picture from flickr creative commons:   tentonipete