Confessions of a Recovering Coward

Two truths and a lie

2012-02-01T22:43:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure when exactly I started believing lies about myself, but I know it was a loooong time ago.

Generally speaking, I'm getting healthier. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. One of the goals I set for myself last year was to really "feel" my strength in those four areas. And, it seems that whenever I start to feel it, the same old lies come back at me and knock me down.

The big lie that I've bought into most of my life is the one that says "I'm not worthy." Not worthy of love. Not worthy of respect. Not worthy of being pursued. Not worthy of fighting for. Not worthy of acceptance. Not worthy of being trusted

Today, I bought into it again. I let myself believe that I'm not worthy of being trusted. I won't go into details, but suffice to say that, as I'm prone to do, I internalized and blamed myself for a situation today that really wasn't about me not being trustworthy...it was more about someone else not being willing to trust.

But, this is one of the key lies that has tortured me for much of my life.

When I was young, I wasn't to be trusted to be out late...it didn't matter how responsible I was, I was given a message that I was expected to do something irresponsible. In my marriage, I bought into believing that my recollection of certain events or conversations wasn't accurate --my word couldn't be trusted.

Unfortunately, I've allowed myself into many situations where this message was repeated. Until I started to identify it and work hard to replace it with truth a year or so ago, I didn't even trust myself.

So, that all kinda sucks.

But, here's the good part. (you know that icebreaker game, where you tell two truths and a lie and then people have to guess what the lie is...? well, I just told you the lie...now I'll tell you the truths that I'm working on seeing...thank you to my friends and my kids who show me these truths...)

The first truth is, I am worthy of being trusted. That's not to say that I never do dumb stuff and make mistakes. But, I know my heart. And, in many situations, my "gut" discernment about things often proves out to be right. So, I'm worthy of being trusted, by others and by myself.

Here's the second truth: I can't control whether other people will trust me. I can do things to earn trust. But, ultimately, even when I do those things, someone else has to make the decision to trust me.

That's how trust works.

Just like love and affection and forgiveness and so many other things in life.

They are like see-saws...and it takes two people, putting equal weight into it, to make it work well.

When it works well, it's beautiful and rewarding and nurtures relationships that produce growth, transformation and joy.

So, I'm going to trust that today's experience has been a growth-ful one for me...I'm going to have the courage to trust myself and continue to put myself "out there" to be trusted...because I want all that growth and transformation and joy so much more than I want the safety of never asking to be trusted.

Belief > Hope

2011-12-26T18:27:00.004-05:00

A year ago today, I made a choice.

It was a choice I had been trying to make for several years.

A year ago, a glimmer of hope shown through darkness and made me think maybe, just maybe my life could be different. Maybe I was worth so more than I had come to believe I was. Maybe I was born with destiny. Maybe my story wasn't anywhere near complete. Maybe the dreams and visions I had for so many years were shown to me for a reason. And, maybe I could re-discover who I was and teach my kids about being brave and honest and about following God. Maybe, if I took this step, the next one would be clearer.

I couldn't have imagined what I'd go through this year. So many chains broken and so much freedom discovered.

In hindsight, relationships that were standing between me and God are gone. Old "truths" about who I was fell away, replaced with evidence of God's truth.

Throughout the year, hope has come and gone and come again.

Over the past several weeks, I'd been asking God to give me hope in abundance. Selfishly, I asked Him for proof that Hope is Alive. And, as He does, He showed up in the most unexpected ways...

First, a vivid dream...I won't get into it since some of you will think I'm nutty (some of you already know I'm a bit of a Jesus freak)...but, there was a sailboat (I'm the sailboat here), it gets nearly capsized by a powerful, fresh wind; rightsizes and begins a journey of purpose, speed and direction that it never expected. As I've prayed into it, it's clear to me that He's got a plan for me...

Then, a random email encounter with a real man of God. A man that I'll probably never meet, but who wrote of God's definition of marriage and man.

Finally, an invitation to dance and socialize with three couples that I really don't know well at all. Against my nature, I accepted the invite. Throughout the evening, an unexpected gift: I saw couples who love and touch and dance and laugh and genuinely enjoy each other.

Cowardly confession: I still only had hope that I was worth a different life; that society hadn't eroded the courage and conviction of 99.9% of men; and that love can last.

Today, it hit me. Hope is great, but I'm ready to move beyond hope.

I'm making a choice today.

I'm choosing belief over hope.

See, hope is beautiful, but is always clouded with a mist of "maybe." For me, that's driven by the voice I battle that says I'm not worth whatever I'm hoping for. And the pessimism that creeps into my heart from time to time that people just don't fight for others -- let alone themselves...it's just too easy to give in to fear and insecurity and mediocrity.

But, belief is hope with conviction.

Belief says "I know" this is going to happen. I know my life will be different. Not that my life can be different, but that it will be different. That my story will be amazing. That I am worth more to my Father than I can ever imagine."

It's a bold choice. It would be easier to stick with hope. But, I will choose belief, and I will ask my friends to hold me to it. And I will start living differently today because of the choice.

Will you join me?

a better story

2011-10-04T22:02:00.007-04:00

"We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn't mean anything and that humanity has no great purpose. It's a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder. How grateful we are to hear these stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them." - Donald Miller, from "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years"

I didn't want to finish this book. I stalled and read just a few pages at a time...it was that good...I just didn't want it to end.

Never has a book read me like this one did -- at this very moment in my life.

This moment of transformation. Hope. Belief that I can have a better story. Embracing that I'm worthy of a better story. Serious, difficult, chain-breaking honesty with myself. Learning to walk on the right side of the line that divides self-deprecating levels of humility from fully embracing the glory of who I was created to be and the story I was created to live and tell; and the countless stories I was created to intersect and inspire.

You and I were created to live an amazing story. There are so many opportunities right in front of us, every day. Beauty that we can choose to appreciate or rush by. Risks we can embrace or shy away from. Relationships we can initiate and invest in or keep at arm's length. Hurt and shame we can leave behind or choose to hold onto.

I'm starting small, but committing myself to making little steps every day...each of these are new habits for me...so, it's a risk to break my routine, which I've recently realized I was really attached to...something about when your routine gets thrown out the window and you have no choice but to embrace each moment...

Run. Already blogged about this one...
Enjoy decorating my house -- even though I know I probably won't stay in this house very long, I really like to decorate and I want my space to reflect who I am...so, instead of rationalizing why I shouldn't invest the time or money, I'm going to enjoy it.
Laugh with my kids. I'm working hard to be "present" with my kids. To close the computer and put down the iphone and really listen when they talk. Giggle with them when they are silly at the dinner table.
Ask for help. Reaching out to friends to ask for help and offer to help. Share my pain and sadness and fear; and my victories and accomplishments and celebrations. I don't have to do it all myself.
Choose hope. My friend, Ali, models this really well. Fear and loneliness and self-pity pull strongly, but hope is stronger, when I choose to allow it to be.

There are more to come...but for now, READ THIS BOOK. Please. Start living a better story. If you're reading this, welcome to my story...I want to hear your story. I want to learn from you and marvel at whatever inspiration or idea or insight comes from the intersection of your story with mine. Are you ready to start living a better story?

freedom

2011-10-01T21:45:00.004-04:00

The birdcage in my family room is empty. It represents my past...limiting, confining, artificial boundaries set by someone other than me. I've been inspired, moved (to tears tonight, when I found this one and brought it home), motivated, reminded and hopeful each time I've seen a birdcage over the past year.

Tonight, I was trying to decide whether to keep the door on the cage open or close it.

On one hand, I like the celebration of the open door. The freedom it signifies. The release. That first gush of fresh air that the trapped bird feels as she leaves the cage.

But, as I was reflecting on this whole journey I'm on to recover from being a coward, I realized that I want that door to be closed. Shut tight. I never want to be in a cage again. And, the door needs to stay closed because sometimes it's really tempting to go right back into that cage.

In the cage, it's safe and predictable. I know how to survive in the cage. The fear that I can survive outside the cage is real and it taunts me with self-doubt and reminders of the woman I let myself believe I was.

My mom came over today and she was cleaning out the hummingbird feeder that she had put in the front yard for the kids several weeks ago. She told me that we can pack it away til spring because the hummingbirds had all migrated by now. To Panama. Seriously...those little tiny creatures make it from Cincinnati to Panama.

And I realized, in that moment, that the fear I have to fly away from that cage is not from the One that created me to fly.

I don't think those birds know the exact route they will take. I think they get stuck in storms and wind gusts and they just keep pressing on...flapping their wings harder when they need to, gliding when they get a little tired. Relying on the other birds they're with to help guide them and keep them company and enjoy the flight. Somehow, they find food and rest and everything they need along the way.

If those little hummingbirds can make it all the way to Panama, I can shut the door on the cage of the boundaries I had on my life and spread my wings and fly with expectation to the place I'll spend the next season...

So, the door on the birdcage in my family room will stay closed as a reminder that I have all that I need out here, and that the place I'm heading is so much better.

my strange relationship with anger

2011-09-26T22:46:00.004-04:00

I am coming to realize that I have a very odd relationship with anger.

On one hand, I don't mind being angry myself. I experience the emotion, get it out of my system by screaming or venting or punching a pillow (I know, tough girl, right?) or crying. I'm not afraid to get angry. Anger is an emotion I'm able to experience that helps me process through things I'm going through.

However, when someone else is angry, I've realized that their anger brings up a fear in me that is almost paralyzing. It's odd that I've only recently come to see this about myself. I always thought of myself as someone that welcomes conflict and debate. But, maybe I told myself that as a way to cope with lots of people in my life over the years that haven't controlled their anger very well.

Across several key relationships in my life, others' anger has caused me a great deal of pain, a deep sense of worthlessness and a fear of abandonment. Here's what I was conditioned to believe: If someone gets angry, it's probably my fault. If they get angry enough with me, they will probably give up on me and decide that I'm not worth staying in relationship with me. It's probably my fault anyway...I made him angry...if only I'd done "this" or not done "that"...

Anger and manipulation were never too far away from each other throughout most of my life. So, for many, many years, I've walked on eggshells in most of the relationships I've been in -- with anyone. Always afraid that I might make someone angry, and they'd write me off.

Recently this hit home in a new way...

I had been having a hard time with one of my kids. He was being disrespectful and, well, angry, fairly often and about often seemingly irrational things. He'd lash out with his words and his disrespectful attitude of blame; playing the victim and pointing fingers.

Now, I've come far enough in this journey to recognize the pattern of manipulation and verbal abuse that accompanies it, and I know that I need to set boundaries and hold him accountable with consequences for his behavior.

But, as I was disciplining him and setting the boundaries and explaining the consequences, and I could see his anger increasing, I could feel myself starting to back off...to take responsibility for his actions myself -- I was afraid that he'd get angry and decide that he just didn't love his mom anymore...

I felt stuck...trapped by my own fear of being rejected and the knowledge that I needed to teach him to be accountable and responsible. There was no way I could have both -- I'd have to risk either letting him be angry with me, or passing up the teaching moment (worst, teaching him that he could treat me in a disrespectful and manipulative way and that it was okay!).

In the end, I stuck to my convictions. I held him to the consequences and let him stomp loudly up to his room, slam the door and punch his pillow (heredity, huh?).

Honestly, I felt like crap about it though...until one of those friends (remember the ones that kick my ass regularly) reminded me that sometimes, as a parent, your kids are going to be angry with you. I know this is completely common sense for most of you, and I know this is true myself, but my default behavior doesn't reflect this as truth.

So, this is going to be a tough one for me...but I'm realizing that if I'm ever going to have real, intimate relationships that go deep, I'm going to have to bravely deal with anger and trust that the person who's angry will handle it in a healthy way...all part of this recovering coward's journey into her new story.

Run

2011-09-23T22:27:00.004-04:00

The coward in me said I couldn't run. That it wasn't safe since I'm diabetic and I might pass out if my blood sugar dropped too low. That my left knee couldn't handle it. That I was too out-of-shape. Recently, that I was too old to start. That I just didn't have time. That I might try, and then I'd fail, so therefore, I shouldn't try.

But, the recovering coward decided to give it a try. I've been inspired and encouraged by several friends who are long-time runners, and even more influenced by some friends who have quite recently become runners.

Now, the first time out, it was good. I was excited and energized. I went almost 2 miles. I walked most of the way, but when I ran, it felt great. And when I got home and collapsed on the floor, it was with a big smile on my face.

The second time was great, and I started to get a little cocky. So, I decided to run last week on the one hot afternoon that we had. It was u.g.l.y. I only made it about 1.5 miles and nearly passed out. I was discouraged and disappointed in myself. I felt like I backtracked about a zillion steps. I wanted to give up.

Here's where I divulge a key step in the recovering coward program: you must have friends who know you're on the journey and who will kick your ass when needed. They kick your ass sometimes nicely with encouraging words and affirmation, and other times by reminding you that you are strong and tenacious and that you need to quit whining and just do the thing you are so afraid of. I have a few of these friends (they know who they are). And, they did their jobs.

So, a few days later, I took a big leap and invested some serious cash in some new running shoes (they're cute, too, don't you agree?), took a few deep breaths and hit the sidewalks again. This time, I slowed down and took my time. I put together a playlist of songs that I knew I'd want to sing along to between breaths. And...I did it. I ran 2 solid miles -- no walking.

I felt great. Accomplished. Courageous. Persistent. Strong. Like a conqueror. A Runner.

I set a few goals for myself several months ago -- one of them was to "feel my strength emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically." I committed to run a 10K sometime in the next 2 years when I wrote that goal down -- I had never run more than a mile, and that had been in high school (which was a really long time ago!).

I'm excited to say I'm on my way.

And, I'm learning that one by one, this long list of things that I thought I couldn't do is really a bunch of crap. I can do so much more than I let myself believe. Wanna know some of the others? Here are just a few:

I can't paint. (Killed that one when I painted my new dining room a few weeks ago)
I can't cut grass in a straight line. (My yard looks damn good, thank you)
I can't hang a shelf or a picture or curtain rod. (You should see the drill I bought myself and have been busily using all over my house.)
I can't cook a decent meal. (I actually had myself convinced that I didn't like to cook...I kicked that one to the curb months ago and have really enjoyed trying new recipes and making up my own...invite yourself over and I will surprise you!)
I can't start my own company. (Ha...check it out http://www.theazoregarage.com)

I want to teach my kids to not use the phrase "I can't." That won't happen unless I stop saying it...it's going to be hard, but it's going to feel so so good. Just like running and cutting my own grass and painting and hanging pictures and cooking...I have a few more on my list...watch this space for updates...

Who I am

2011-09-21T22:13:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago, I was at church for a prayer and worship night. I knew I needed to just be quiet for awhile and let God talk to me a bit. I had asked Him one simple question: who am I?

This is the list of words that I felt like he was giving me...I wrote them down, in the dark of the church as the worship music was playing (hence the messy handwriting):

Redeemed
Released
Refreshed
Free
Given
Touched
Anointed
Planned
Provided
Surrounded
Carried
Held
Becoming
Joy
Treasure
Treasured
Changed

Whoa, right? He really kinda likes me, eh?

Here's the thing...He has had to remind me of these things so often. I so easily let gravity pull me back into other beliefs about myself.

One of the disciplines I've been working on over the past year or so is asking others (including the Big Guy Himself) to give me words to describe me -- not just because I want to hear nice things about myself, but really because I need to re-learn, re-program my beliefs about who I am. Healthy practice...you should try it.

Tonight I needed to re-read a few of these words. This particular list I have tacked to a mirror in my room.

The coward I used to be would look in the mirror to find the flaws. It was the "humble" thing to do, she thought. The recovering coward knows that it takes a brave woman to embrace the good and bad about herself...I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone else...What I mean is, once I embrace the glory of who I am, I have to act on it. I can't hide behind beliefs that I'm not worthy of an extraordinary life. I have to get out and embrace life, change, opportunity. And, that's a whole new habit for me. But, I'm doing it. Every day. (well, just about every day).

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

Coming soon...

2011-09-20T23:40:00.002-04:00

a re-launch...

of my blog.

of my life.

Have been busy losing things the past two years: my 16 year marriage, too-big-house, job, several friends (hmmm...maybe they weren't really friends), and several pounds.

Thankfully, through it all, I've gained so so much more...and I want to write about it. Faith. Trust. Boldness. Beauty. Worthiness. Joy. Intimacy. Courage. And freedom, freedom, freedom.

I'm coming back...see you soon, blogworld...

Dear blog

2009-09-30T23:34:00.003-04:00

I miss you.

I'm sorry I haven't written.

I am a little bit tired and my hair is messy from wearing too many hats.

I am a little bit road-weary.

I've been reading Acts.

Acts 3:19: Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord

I feel a bit empty, but maybe that's because there is new hope and new desire and new passion on its way...

I have a plan to get refreshed next week...filled back up...inspired...as I pray in anticipation, I am ever more ready to receive...

A look in the mirror part 2: Pursuit

2009-09-14T19:34:00.008-04:00

So, I've been a little gun-shy since my last post got so much interesting action on Facebook (you'd never know if you only read this online!)...but this second installment of "Looking in the Mirror" has been on my heart since just after I wrote the last one; a few things have solidified since then, so it's a good time to share.

As I continue to look in the mirror and ask God to reveal things to me that I need to work on, I keep hearing the word "pursuit." While that may seem a bit "generic," as I've prayed about it, it's actually been fairly painful.

Here's what the mirror is revealing about pursuit...

I want to be pursued. Maybe I need to be pursued -- I'm not sure on that yet, since I'm still working through this...

On the surface, that doesn't seem so bad, right?

But, I'm realizing there are things I do in life just so that I will feel wanted, needed, desired, appreciated, respected by other people.

I read a book a few years ago called "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul," The book asserts that all women yearn for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil their own beauty. I picked it up again this week to re-read it, and I was struck by how much more deeply it's "talking to me" this time around.

I've been realizing, and I need to confess, that I've been lured by worldly definitions into being embarrassed about my desire to be pursued -- to be romanced. If I want to be romanced, surely I'm a weak woman, according to the world. I have believed this for too long. I want to be romanced.

Perhaps it's just they way God has made me as a woman.

And, I've worked too hard and tried to be too perfect, smart and accomplished. This pursuit of accomplishment and worldly success and recognition have been my most oft used tools to try to win this elusive romance. I've tried others -- flirting, dieting and exercising to try to achieve some perfect look. But, consistently, the hole is still there in my heart -- that nagging sense that I will never be "enough" to be worthy of being pursued.

All this time, I've been pushing back my very nature, my femininity, in a confused attempt to fulfill what might just be a uniquely feminine desire that only God can fill. How messed up is that!?

Here's a passage from the book that really spoke some truth to my heart:

A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that He finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in Him, she is enough. In fact, the only thing getting in the way of our being fully captivating and enjoyed is our striving.

So, my look in the mirror once showed me my flaws, but when I look again, I'm working on seeing myself as the beautiful, desirable, worthy woman that He sees.

Again, from "Captivating:"

Even though I've "succeeded" in many areas, I've always been ashamed of the absence of my femininity as defined by the world. Asking God what He thought of me as a woman was beyond agonizing. I wrestled with Him right to the end. I knew in my mind He wouldn't be mean, but I was convinced I had failed him miserably in this department...When I finally allowed myself to hear God speak a new name, it was Grace. And the lie of "too much boy and not enough girl" gets shattered in a moment. He crowns me with Grace. He crowns me with love. And I'm satisfied.

I always pray on my way to work. This morning while I was driving to work and praying, I saw the most beautiful sunrise I've seen in some time...actually, the sun was already fairly high in the sky. When I first looked up, it was barely lit and perfectly round, but as I drove, it shone brighter and brighter until I had to fish through my purse for my sunglasses. It felt like God was showing me how brightly and intensely His love burns for me...what a beautiful illustration and evidence of His love for me!

I think I'm going to stop apologizing for my desire to be desirable, and work on reflecting on the evidence that God is pursuing me intently and finds me irreplaceable and worthy.

God, help me to feel how intensely you are pursuing me, how deep and passionate your love is for me, and how worthy I really am of your love.

Looking in the mirror -- Part 1

2009-09-01T00:05:00.010-04:00

We just started a new series at VWS called "A look in the mirror." Its about taking an honest look at ourselves and seeing whatever God wants to reveal, convict, affirm in each of us.

One area I've been looking at for myself lately is around my "need" for "stuff." Tonight, as I was praying and asking God to reveal things to me that get in the way of doing His work, He reminded me of this area. Then, as I was reading through some scripture (I'm just going through the New Testament, and I've just started in 1 John), I read:

" The world and all its desires pass away, but the person who does the will of God lives forever." 1John 2:17

God and I have been working on this one for awhile now...

About 2.5 years ago (wow, can't believe it's been that long already), I left P&G. About a year before that, we bought a house on the Westside of Cincinnati and moved our family over here to help start VWS.

It is a gorgeous house.

It is a big house.

It has lots of bells and whistles. (well, not literally, but it has lots of little and big extras).

When we bought it, it was definitely a "God thing" -- pieces falling into place in weird ways...I won't go into details, but I do believe that we are in the house that God wanted us to buy at the time.

But, over the past two years or so, we've begun to feel like maybe we shouldn't be in this house.

Maybe it's too big. Too gorgeous. Too much.

We don't make nearly as much money as we did when I was at P&G. And, honestly, we shouldn't be spending nearly so much on a mortgage payment as we are right now.

Truth is, we've got a LOT of nice stuff.

Harder truth is, as we've acquired all of this nice stuff, our lives have become more and more complicated and less and less focused on what really matters.

To be brutally clear, MY life has been less and less focused.

So, for the past two years, I've been quietly praying into this feeling. Half-asking God to will me and Nick to do what He wants us to with His money and with our family. Nick has been praying this too, only we didn't admit it to each other!

Slowly, ever so slowly, the reasons we had for staying in the house began to seem so illogical.

- The hassle of moving again
- Where would we put all of our furniture and "stuff"
- I like my double ovens
- We like our 3-car garage
- We need a kitchen island the size of our first apartment

And now, we're at a place where God has so willed us to want to get out of this house that we can hardly wait to get it sold.

And then, comes the harder part...He's willed us to let go of the house, and now we have to wait on His timing.

But, even through all of this, if I REALLY look in the mirror on this one, here's the hardest thing for me to admit...

I'm embarrassed that I live in such opulence.

I don't want people to know.

If they see the house, I explain how we got such a great deal on it and that we never would have bought it if it wouldn't have been a foreclosure, and that we never would have built something with so much "stuff" in it.

I am forcing myself to write this down...it hurts...

I don't want to tell you that I live in a house that is worth about $700K and currently on the market for a cool $599K.

I think you'll judge me. You'll say I'm 'rich' and therefore must not be after God's heart. You'll say that I value "stuff" more than God or my family. That I pursue work that keeps me away from home too many nights on business trips just to pay a mortgage, and that if I had my priorities straight, I'd make different choices.

And, you'd be right...at least in part.

I am rich. I do value stuff -- way more than I should.

But, where you'd be wrong is that I am chasing hard after God's heart for me, for my life. Standing next to Nick and fighting against everything that is getting in our way of doing what God wants us to do with what He has blessed us with.

So, the house is on the market.

We are ready to let go.

Three months it's been on the market. No one has even looked at it. Tomorrow, someone is coming to look.

Father God, help us to be patient and wait on your timing, and honor our desire to chase after you more than we chase after stuff. Thank you for willing us to want to steward your money differently. We will wait on You and Your will in humility and anticipation...and really hope that the buyer is coming tomorrow!!!

The heart is working too hard

2009-08-24T21:19:00.004-04:00

My father, Paul Gordon Lauer, was born in 1938.

At the age of 3, he was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Essentially, for those of you that don't know, in Type 1 Diabetes, the pancreas stops making insulin. The patient must take insulin in order to regulate blood sugar, or major complications can set in. In the early 40s, there was no way for patients to take insulin, so my grandparents did their best to control my Dad's diet to help control his blood sugar.

By age 23, complications began to set in, even though medication and some treatment had become available. My father lost sight in both of his eyes.

At age 30, he met and fell in love with my mother and they were married.

At age 32, he suffered stroke. The same week, he and my mother found out they were expecting a baby, and then he suffered a heart attack.

He survived, and early the following year, I was born.

A few weeks after I was born, his kidneys began to fail, and he started receiving dialysis treatment.

In July, 1971, only 3.5 months after I was born, while receiving dialysis, my father suffered a massive coronary and died.

Some other time, I'll comment on how amazing my mother is and how strong she must have been, and the amazing bond that she and I have, likely because it was "just us" for a year or so before she re-married...

But, for now...

I taught this past Sunday at church.

First time.

And, I told the story of my father.

I told the story because I realized that it had something to teach me about the body of Christ -- the Church.

In 1 Corinthians, we read:

14Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. 15If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 16And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 17If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? 18But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. 19If they were all one part, where would the body be? 20As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

21The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" 22On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

27Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

My dad's story illustrates what happens when certain parts of the body aren't doing their jobs. First, his pancreas didn't work, so his kidneys tried to make up for it.

They tried and tried, and eventually couldn't do it.

Not their fault.

They weren't designed to do what the pancreas does.

Then, his heart tried to make up for the kidneys and the pancreas.

But, clearly, it wasn't made to do the same things as the pancreas or kidneys.

It tried and tried, but eventually couldn't do it...

Isn't this how the Church body works -- or rather, how it doesn't work? A few parts trying to make up for the fact that the others aren't doing their jobs?

I'm convinced its because people don't understand three things:

Each of us is amazingly unique
Each of us is gifted for a purpose
Each of us is desperately needed

Understanding my own uniqueness, purpose and value has been a journey for me, but embracing the truth of my design has changed my life for the better in innumerable ways.

God's plan involves all of us. When we're doing what we've been designed to do, we are fully living -- just as God intended for us!

I love being part of a church body that is working to help people understand these truths.

Thank you, God, for revealing new truth from my father's story.

How to be Intimidating: Part 2

2009-08-02T15:20:00.004-04:00

So, if you just googled "how to be intimidating" or "what makes a person intimidating" and you've found this blog, welcome!

I have an idea for you...if you're looking to really be intimidating...

People are intimidated by those that have confidence in themselves.

You need to be confident in yourself...you can try to fake it, but that only lasts so long before you break down and just realize that you're not much of anything on your own.

We're all so messed up...what I mean is, everyone, every person is messed up in their own way or ways.

But, there is hope!

If you want to be confident, you have to know that you are loved and accepted no matter who you are and how messed up you are.

Jesus loves you. Y O U. Receive it. Seriously. Go read a Bible...start in the back half -- the new Testament, and read the story of what He did for you.

Then, you'll know. And, you won't need to be intimidating anymore.

Intimidation doesn't win...

Love wins.

(I originally posted several months ago about a search I was doing to try to understand how to NOT be so intimidating to people, and instead I found all kinds of advice on the web about how TO be intimidating. I blogged about it. It's gotten traffic. So, I figured, if you are reading my blog to learn how to be intimidating, I should share with you why I was searching to find ways to NOT be intimidating...)

Take a deep breath...

2009-07-28T20:50:00.003-04:00

I'm having one of "those" weeks...

Every once in awhile, I have something close to a panic attack when I look at my calendar and a growing list of things "to do" and have that sinking, awful realization that I am certainly forgetting several really important things I need to do...

It happened this afternoon.

My work schedule has been busier than normal.

As I get more and more into my role at VWS, there is more and more to do.

School starts soon, and that means appointments, supplies, open houses, registration paperwork, clothes and shoes, new backpacks, etc, etc, etc.

Soccer practice is ramping up for both Dominick and Lanie.

The house is on the market, and Nick and I seem to be doing a lot of paperwork and upkeep to keep it presentable for whenever that one perfect buyer comes along.

And, I'm neglecting the things I shouldn't neglect...

Staying in the word -- reading scripture daily keeps me centered...why is it one of the first things I let go of when things get crazy like this?
Caring for Nick and the kids -- somehow they get the brunt of my frustration and anxiety, as I stomp around feeling sorry for myself.
Caring for myself -- exercise is always a challenge, but it's about 9pm, and I just realized I haven't eaten dinner...which means I'll probably end up eating something not-so-healthy and much too late.
Sleep -- late to bed and early to rise...trying to fit it all in.
Friends -- I'm already fighting the logical solution to give up time with my girlfriends in order to accommodate soccer practices and time at home.

So, I'm going to try to set some boundaries for the amount of time I spend on work stuff and not neglect the things that I know keep me healthy and sane...and keep taking deep breaths...

A random cure for writer's block

2009-07-18T15:24:00.004-04:00

I've been suffering lately from reverse-writer's block...a few too many things on my mind...too hard to decide what to write about.

So, I thought I'd dump a few random thoughts so I can just get over the block and back to writing again...

Random thought/musing #1
I signed up for google analytics. Its a service (FREE!) from google that will analyze where your blog traffic is coming from. Pretty interesting to see where you are all reading from! But, here's something quite surprising to me...the biggest single post that has gotten a lot of traffic in the past week is the one titled "How to Be Intimidating." This was a post I wrote a while back, and it was part of my exploration about how NOT to be intimidating. In fact, if you search on google for "how to be intimidating," that blog post shows up -- as the TOP hit! Now, the good news is that if folks hit my blog thinking they're going to read about how to be intimidating, they get just the opposite; the bad news is that lots of people are searching google for help to be more intimidating! Does this bother anyone but me?

Random thought/musing #2
Anthony and I have a little ritual when I'm tucking him in at night. After we read, pray and sing a song, he always has to have a "no-kiss hug." It's a hug, without a kiss. He loves it. For months, he's been anti-kiss from mom. But in the past couple of weeks, he started asking for a kiss and asking to give me a kiss after the no-kiss hug. How sweet is he!?

Random thought/musing #3
Lanie is about to turn 8. Her newest pastime is listening to Taylor Swift. Every time I see her singing along with the words to those cute puppy-love tunes, I can't help by stare at her and realize how quickly being a little girl goes by...When I was 8, I had my first real crush...my neighbor's nephew Dennis. We held hands and hugged in the garage of his aunt and uncle's house, and we ate popcorn with melted butter while we watched movies. It was dreamy. When he sat next to me, I felt all tingly. Can she really be the same age as I was then!?

Random thought/musing #4
Dominick has a best friend. I love watching them hang out together. They stay up late on sleep-over nights and giggle. They skipped through Kroger together today. He's getting to the age where he'll start to tell Nate things that he doesn't tell me...(can you tell I'm feeling a bit reminiscent today?) I'm equal parts excited for him that he has such a great friend, and sad that I'm being replaced as his confidante...

Random thought/musing #5 (this one's for the girls only)
What is up with Victoria's Secret underwear? Every time I buy a new batch, I buy a 5 pairs in the same size and same "style"... but every single one fits totally differently once I wear them. Now, certainly there are times during the month where I might expect them to fit a bit differently, but that does not nearly explain the dramatic difference in the size and cut from one pair to another. Am I the only one this happens to? Maybe I'm too old for Victoria's Secret...

Random thought/musing #6 (last one for today...)
I'm excited about seeing old friends lately. I blogged about my friends Julie and Jill a few weeks ago, and got to see them each quite recently over lunches. It was great to laugh and remember and share with each other. Tomorrow, I get to see an old friend, Jason, who I haven't seen in probably about 3 years. And, last night, we ran into an old friend at Dave & Buster's...I'm getting good practice for my HS reunion, which is coming up in a few weeks!

Okay...I feel better now. Hopefully back to less scattered thinking over the next week or so...

This ain't your mama's church...

2009-07-08T22:55:00.006-04:00

Growing up, church...

...was a place I went on Sundays.

...was a building.

...smelled a little "funny."

...was predictable.

...was about my religion.

...never seemed to go fast enough (except for the one guy we called "Father Fast Mass"...we loved him!).

...didn't mean much to me.

...was an obligation.

These days, church...

...is a community of people.

...challenges me to grow.

...is a gift.

...is so meaningful to me.

...is something I look forward to.

...smells pretty good (I think it's the coffee!)

...is about my relationships.

I've been reading through Hebrews this week and reflecting a lot on what church really is. What priesthood really means. What I had to learn and un-learn as I began to develop a relationship with Jesus and real community with others.

How has your definition of church changed over time? What is your definition of church?

Spaghetti Logic

2009-06-29T23:42:00.007-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about spaghetti lately.

Probably one of my favorite meals as a kid; and now, as a mom, I know why my mother made it once a week -- it's sooooo easy to make!

But, that's not what I've been thinking about.

A few years ago, there was a guy that worked in my group at P&G. He is a mathematical GENIUS. Seriously. Crazy smart. His job was to create and then maintain a highly complex statistical model for predicting how much "stuff" people would buy. He worked with another guy in my group who was even smarter. Smarter guy once tried to explain to me how smart guy created mathematical models. He called it spaghetti logic. Each equation had a beginning and an end, but they wound around all over the place getting from A to Z. They intersected each other in important, although seemingly inconsequential and unplanned ways. And, in order for the spaghetti logic to work, because the model was complex, there had to be multiple strands of spaghetti mixed in together...

Really, I've been thinking a lot about spaghetti logic lately.

Hang with me, if I haven't lost you yet...

I think life is like spaghetti logic...

When I was in high school, I met this girl named Julie. I was new at school, and Julie was so nice to me. She hung out with me between classes, and we became friends. One week, she invited me to go with her to a church youth group volleyball game. This was very strange to me. Playing volleyball with kids from church? This sort of thing just did not happen at my traditional Catholic church. I was a little worried they'd all be a bunch of "Jesus freaks." But, Julie was fun, and pretty normal from what I could tell, so I went. My mom took me to Julie's house, where her dad was going to take us to the volleyball game. I didn't quite know what to think of her dad. Bruce was so..."there." He actually seemed interested in talking to me, getting to know me. He smiled and paid attention when I talked and actually seemed to like what I said. (At this point in my life, having a conversation that did not dissolve into tears or screaming with a father figure was pretty foreign to me.)

Anyway, we went to the volleyball game, and I remember not really being sure what to expect at all, but, having a great time playing. Julie was a great hostess and never left me feeling alone or awkward about being a "stranger" among the youth group. Toward the end of the evening, I remember a guy getting up on a stage -- maybe he was a pastor or the youth leader, I'm not sure -- but I remember him talking to us about Jesus. Did we want to have a relationship with Jesus, he asked...

Hmmmm...this was puzzling to me. "Sure," I thought, "who wouldn't want that." I knew Jesus -- sang to him on Sundays and often had to fight back tears when I was singing...never could understand why that was happening (that's another section of the long piece of spaghetti that is my life...more on that later, maybe). "If you want to have a relationship with Jesus, pray with me..." He said. And then he went on to lead us to pray for Jesus to be front and center in our lives. I prayed with him that night. I think it was the first time that I ever really prayed that way. Fireworks didn't go off, and I didn't tell anyone that I had prayed that prayer that night.

Months went by, and Julie and I drifted apart. I had more "important" things to do like chase boys and work and over-achieve and life got crazy. I still talked to Jesus every day, but spent many, many years fairly lost and confused.

Years later, I met a wonderful woman named Jill. She worked with me at P&G. She was a few years older; I was expecting my first baby, and she had 3 kids already. She seemed to have her priorities right and seemed to know what she wanted to teach her kids about Jesus and God -- something I had been thinking a lot about since I became pregnant. Eventually, Jill led me to Vineyard Community Church, where I found Jesus again and began a life that has become increasingly more abundant with each passing year.

The same year I met Jill, I had met a guy named Tim at P&G, almost in passing, since he left P&G shortly after we met. A year later, Tim and I worked together on a project. A year later, Tim and I were friends, and were getting together with our spouses and a few others in a small group. A year later, Tim asked me into leadership in some of the work he was doing at VCC. Several years later, Nick and I picked up our life and moved to the Westside of Cincinnati for this crazy little church plant called Vineyard Westside where Tim is the Senior Pastor. A year later, I quit P&G to take a job at Seek, because I was convinced that God had something in store for me. A year later, I joined the leadership team of VWS. A year later, we're selling our house to steward our money differently and give more of our lives to what God is doing in this world.

Spaghetti logic...twists and turns and intersections that I couldn't possibly understand, anticipate, appreciate or expect. And, I'm realizing, when I let myself be "softened" like a perfectly al dente strand of pasta, God will twist and turn His spaghetti logic in amazing ways.

When I think about the number of twists and turns and intersections and the profound impact they've each had in my life, I'm humbled. It seems, some of the events that initially didn't feel important or significant at all turn out to be major turning points.

Amazingly, I've recently re-connected with Julie (Facebook is awesome!). Her story and her life is an inspiration and a testament to God's faithfulness.

So, next time you meet someone new, ask yourself if maybe God is putting together one big plate of pasta and to help you recognize the logic of why you and this other "strand" are intersecting.

...with all diligence

2009-06-19T21:53:00.003-04:00

Romans 12:8 says "If a person's gift is leadership, let them lead with all diligence."

This verse came to mind this afternoon while I was praying for the leadership of VWS.

"...with all diligence."

Why diligence?

I looked up a few synonyms/definitions for diligence:

Earnest
Perseverance
Zeal
Fervor
Passion
Painstaking
Having a purpose and being steadily and soberly eager in pursuing it
Constant in effort to accomplish something
Attentive and persistent in doing anything

Leadership is hard. I know many, many leaders who share moments of questioning "Is it really worth it?" "Why me?" or "I'm not sure I really want to be a leader."

When the mantle of leadership is most heavy, it is then that we must lead with all diligence. If it was easy, how much breakthrough could we really achieve for God?

The world needs spirit-led leaders who lead with all diligence, persistence, attention, passion and zeal and push back the spirit of futility that otherwise would certainly limit what God wants to do through those He's gifted to lead.

Father, help me and every other leader after Your heart to be a leader who leads with all diligence.

Flame

2009-06-16T21:47:00.002-04:00

Today was a rough day.

Difficult. Frustrating. Sad. Exhausting.

So, tonight as I was sitting around moping and wondering how I could've gone from being pretty fired up a a few days ago to feeling so glum. I realized that I hadn't picked up my Bible at all yesterday or today.

I have been reading through Paul's letters to the various churches (i.e. groups of believers). I have found them to be so relevant to the struggles and challenges and opportunities we have today. So, I read 1 Thessalonians tonight. Lots of things stood out to me, but the line I kept reading over and over and over was this one:

"Do not put out the Spirit's fire." 1 Thes 5:19

What does that line mean to you? As I prayed about it, the fire that came to mind is the one that He has uniquely given to me. Ann Eileen Lauer Calcara. Me.

I'm pretty unique. You are too, but this is my blog, so bear with me for a minute here...

Today, and for the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling particularly un-empathetic. Empathy is not really my thing. I like people. I have feelings. But, feeling FOR other people...that's not me. This has made me feel less-than-effective as we have been dealing with lots of really difficult, painful stuff -- lots of people are hurting really badly. And, I've struggled because I don't always (ever?) feel their pain. And, maybe, this limits and disables me from contributing in a meaningful way during this difficult time. Or, maybe not...

I could choose to let this lack of empathy consume me...but, that would be putting out the Spirit's fire...

Instead, what if I choose to stoke the flame that is mine...and focus on what I can do and can do well, trusting that what I have is needed, and what I have to give is enough? I'm surrounded by folks who are empathetic...and my responsibility is just to use what I've got, right?

The Spirit's fire in me burns brightly when I'm using the gifts I've been given...the talents I have...and not trying to be someone that I'm not. Want to know what kind of flame burns in me?

I am a MAXIMIZER. I focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. I seek to transform something strong into something superb.

I am STRATEGIC. I create alternate ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, I can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.

I am strong in understanding and leveraging INDIVIDUALIZATION. I am intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. I have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.

I am guided by BELIEF. I have certain core values that are unchanging. Out of these values emerges a defined purpose for my life.

I am RESPONSIBLE. I take psychological ownership of what I say I will do. I am committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.

How do I know this about myself? Gallup Strengthsfinder. Amazingly accurate. These are the descriptions they give. I could elaborate on how each of these play out in my life, but that might get boring...

I hope you know the flame God has set ablaze in you. Don't put it out by believing that who you are NOT is more defining than who you ARE.

Complacency or Futility

2009-06-10T08:25:00.003-04:00

Yesterday in our VWS leadership team meeting, we were praying a bit together. I LOVE praying with that team! I often get powerful images and words and I'm trying to learn what to do with them.

We were reflecting, before we went into prayer, about the amount of "bad stuff" going on across our body. We're in a teaching series on 'fighting' that is all about recognizing when we're being led astray by temptations, bad habits, influences, thoughts, etc that can be attributed to this concept of "spiritual warfare" that I've blogged about before. And, it seems as we raise our voices about these things, they come at us even harder and stronger.

While we were praying, though, I kept hearing this phrase "a spirit of futility." As I leaned into that and prayed for some more understanding, even as I knew that a spirit of futility in our team and across our body is something that I needed to push back and pray against, I think God helped me to understand something.

Last fall, a group of us went to the Catalyst conference in Atlanta. It rocked us in so many ways! Primarily, it shook us out of a spirit of complacency. Complacency is when we really don't care to challenge the status quo...we just live day to day and "settle" with where things are/how things are. At the conference, we realized that we had been lulled into complacency because things had been going fairly well, and so we settled in. Honestly, we had worked really, really hard, and we needed a rest...but, we rested too long and too deeply. Anyway, we "woke up" at that conference and got back in the game -- working to join God in the stuff he's doing here on the Westside of Cincinnati.

Recently, the amount of "bad stuff" going on has been increasing...maybe we're just more aware of it, or maybe there really is a lot more of it going on -- maybe both. But, there's a lot of it. Marriages at stake. Dreams at stake. Futures at stake. Lives at stake and being ravaged by temptations, addictions, bad thought patterns that lead people down paths that they know they shouldn't go down, but they do anyway...It's easy to get frustrated. The work we're doing is hard work. A spirit of futility could take us over, if we're not vigilant against it.

Futility is when we just give up. We decide it's just not worth it to keep fighting for change and abundance and life. And, it's just as bad, if not worse, than complacency.

Both futility and complacency are big threats to the work that God is doing. When things are going well, complacency seems to be more likely to drag us down, and when things are tough, futility could be the happy recipient of our tattered spirits...

So, I'm praying against both complacency and futility and instead for steadfast strength for the body and leadership of VWS and every other group of people working to shine God's light in dark places.

If you're feeling the weight of complacency or futility, take a few minutes to let this word sink into your heart...plug in your earphones, close your eyes, and let it soak in...

Yard Sale!

2009-06-07T21:22:00.003-04:00

So, Saturday morning, we awoke to find that our neighborhood was having its annual community yard sale.

We weren't notified this year (I'm not surprised), so we didn't participate. I think we might have this year if we had known, but not a big deal.

Except...

A few of the neighbors in the cul-de-sac did decide to participate.

Now, you need to know a bit about the "layout" of our street. Our house sits along the curve of the cul-de-sac, and a private drive is just off of the very end of the street -- there are 3-4 houses off the private drive.

Apparently, the neighbors in the private drive didn't want to block their private drive in order to set up for the yard sale.

So...

They set up in our yard.

In. Our. Yard.

All across our front lawn. Cars parked in front of our driveway. People smoking and dropping their ashes in our grass. Our grass...that Nick was planning to cut on Saturday morning.

So, you're wondering, surely the neighbors asked if they could hold a yard sale in OUR yard.

You would think so, huh!?

But, they didn't...!!!! (is your mouth hanging open in disbelief right now...it should be!)

Nick went out to ask what was going on. They said "We didn't want to block our private drive. Are you mad?"

Oh. My. Goodness.

Okay, I have to admit, I was LIVID. Really, I'm trying to do this Love Wins thing around here, but it's soooooo hard.

If they would have asked, of course we would have happily let them have the sale in our yard. We would have joined them...made for some neighborly good times in the cul-de-sac...

I just don't get it.

On a lighter note, in a purely beautiful moment of poetic justice...

Coco did her business in the small patch of grass between one of their sale tables and the driveway. ;-) Call the police on that...

What'cha think?

2009-06-07T18:35:00.000-04:00

Of my new background?

Seriously?

2009-06-02T21:52:00.003-04:00

Check out this un-signed letter Nick and I got in the mail today...

Dear Mr & Mrs Calcara,

On behalf of the neighborhood in which you live, we would like to inform you that we are getting ready to call the police on your barking dog.

Apparently, you don't know that you are violating an ordinance of Miami Township. But, you are.

We have listened to your barking dog for quite awhile now and we are tired of it. THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD IS!!!!!!!! In addition to the neighbors being tired of the noise violation, so are the golfers. We now are going to inform Aston Oaks Golf Course, and the Homeowners Association.

How about showing consideration for others. You live in a nice house. Have you any manners? Were you not taught to show respect for others? We respect you. How about respect for us?

Now we get the police involved.

Sincerely,

The neighborhood

I re-typed it word for word here...it was typed, on plain white paper, no return address.

Seriously?

We have a dog. I've heard her bark about 3 times in her life. Someone is home about 90% of the time here, so she is rarely left here alone, when she might bark and we wouldn't hear it. I called a few of the neighbors tonight to ask if she has been barking while we're gone...no-one has heard her (that I talked to).

Who does this? Maybe the same people that told our nanny that she could no longer bring the kids to the pool because she is not a resident of the neighborhood?

This is one of those situations where we are SERIOUSLY challenged to live out "love wins" and to love our neighbors.

And, one of those situations where I'm reminded that "attacks" come in all shapes and sizes. I'm not surprised that we are being "persecuted" by our neighbors right now. Truth is, we don't know them very well, and have kept to ourselves more than we should have since we moved in. I don't believe this is any kind of 'karma' punishment, it's just that our neighborhood has proven difficult to "break into" the groups of friendships and seemingly life-long relationships that folks have with each other.

In any case, if we end up in jail for our barking dog, or whatever other rule they can think of next to accuse us of breaking, maybe a few of you will pool your money and post bail for us! ;-)

Processing Sedona

2009-06-01T22:19:00.006-04:00

Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you for the prize. Such a person goes into great detail about what he has seen, and his unspiritual mind puffs him up with idle notions. He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow. (Col 2:18-19)

Two weeks ago, I visited Sedona, AZ on a business trip.

More accurately, two weeks ago, I visited Sedona on what I thought was going to be a business trip, but what actually ended up being a very interesting part of my own spiritual journey.

First, let me say up front, that some of you may think I'm a total nut job by the time I'm done sharing some of this with you...I think I can live with that...

Second, I'm still processing all that I saw and experienced in Sedona, so I hope you'll show some grace as I stumble through this...

I flew into Phoenix on Monday morning and rented a car for the 2 hour drive north to Sedona. I've been to Phoenix several times over the past few months, but had never been to Sedona. I knew I'd be in "red rock" country, but didn't really know what else to expect.

As I drove north and into the mountains, the beauty of the red rocks seemed to appear out of nowhere. Honestly, I had never seen such amazing beauty before. I could barely drive, and if I wouldn't have already been several hours late for the "conference" I was attending, I would have stopped multiple times to snap a few pictures and stand in awe of the beauty of the landscape. I was reminded over and over again of the indescribable beauty that God creates, and I felt small and a bit ashamed that I had never ventured that way to see and appreciate this amazing beauty right in the good 'ol USA. The sun was bright and the day was exceptionally clear. It was as if the rocks were worshipping Him with their beauty!

After a couple of hours, I neared the town of Sedona. A small-ish town, I discovered. The pueblo architecture was lovely, and the vegetation was much more lush than I had imagined, but as I drove into town, I couldn't quite explain why I started feeling a "heaviness" and seeing a bit of a darkness across the landscape. Somehow the beauty that had all but over-taken me just a few miles south didn't seem so impressive or beautiful anymore...and, honestly, I was not sure I understood why at all.

I made my way through winding roads towards the conference center where our meeting was being held, and as I drove through town, I began to notice a few things...

Crystal shops. Tarot card readings. Psychics. UFO crash sites. Sedona "energy" sites.

Huh?

Every block. Every strip mall. Every shopping center. Every quaint looking shop.

It took me a day or two to get my bearings and begin to put things together...let me digress for a minute...

A few months ago, I blogged about a theory that the most stilted, criminal minds might actually be some of the most gifted and 'dangerous for God' people ever...they are simply a big target for the enemy to deceive with his lies that they should/can use their gifts to gain wealth, fame and fortune and that those things will bring them happiness...in much the same way, I began to understand a difficult truth...

In a place of such amazing natural beauty, that can only be from God, the Holy Spirit is certainly present and active...the tears and sense of awe that I experienced driving into Sedona before I got into the town is evidence of this unspoiled presence of God. But, once in the town, I realized, that where there is so much of God's presence, of course, other, darker spirits are likely to be present, and this dark presence explains the oppression and sadness I felt there.

The piece I'm still working through is that the town of Sedona seems to be taken over by new-age concepts. They talk about Sedona being a 'vortex' of energy from the earth...this energy has 'healing power' and is deeply 'spiritual.' The presence of this 'energy' is thought to be stronger in Sedona than in other places. And, it's credited to the 'creator' or the 'divine.' Scripture is often quoted, but so are the words of other 'texts' and thinkers (Buddhism, Hindu, etc). Locals are quick to reference/credit "God," but don't talk about the idea of relationship or Christianity or Jesus or angels or demons. Some consider themselves 'born again' believers that proclaim Jesus is the Son of God, but seem to believe a list of other new-age-y things as well...

While I was there, I feel like God revealed some truth to me in terms of understanding how strong and deceptive the presence of evil is in the world. He strengthened me and my armor to fight for real freedom for those who are deceived and who are deceiving others (knowingly or unknowingly) by allowing these other spirits to influence them. As I've been learning, I realize how deceptive new-age thinking can really be...maybe I'll write more on that later...it's a bit much to process through, and I'm far from knowing enough to really talk intelligently about it all...

Certainly, I did enjoy the natural beauty of Sedona...this is one my favorite spots -- Cathedral Rock, I think it's called. And, I'm so grateful to be reminded that God's beauty is all around me, but that we have to be vigilant to guard against other, deceptive spirits that are also on this earth -- at least for the time being! ;-)

I'm curious to talk to others that may have been to Sedona. What was your experience? Where else have you felt the presence of God and the presence of darkness or evil as well?

Growth, Rest and Seasons...

2009-05-19T00:26:00.004-04:00

It's been a nice, long break from blogging...

Actually, I'm lying...

It hasn't been a "nice" long break...

Rather, it's been a bit of a frustrating break.

I've been a bit "blocked" lately -- but not for lack of topics that I've wanted to write about. Quite the opposite, in fact...

Too many things I want to write about...

Today I realized I've got to start somewhere!

So, I'll share something interesting I learned about myself and about leadership today.

I'm at a conference in Sedona, Arizona (side note -- one of the MOST gorgeous places I've ever seen!). It's a conference focused on learning to lead differently.

Now, much of the content so far hasn't been that breakthrough for me, but having some time to reflect and think has been refreshing.

This afternoon, we were talking about our natural gifts. The facilitator of the session compared our gifts to "seeds" that need "soil" to grow. He asked us to consider "what soil do we need for our gifts to grow and thrive?" We each went outside for some quite time alone to consider this question.

I realize three things as I took in the beauty of the red rock area:

First, all throughout the hard, red rock walls, there were plants and vegetation growing -- flowers blooming and healthy leaves unfurling. And it struck me -- so often, we find ourselves in a place where we feel like we just "can't grow." But, is that really true? Can't we grow just about anywhere we are? As long as I desire to grow, and look for opportunities to grow, it doesn't matter whether I'm in a "rock" or soil...

Second, everywhere I looked, there were plants and animals -- little bugs flying all around, birds chirping, the plants and flowers I already mentioned. They are growing, being beautiful and giving back to the earth in their own, unique ways, and they aren't working hard to take on more responsibility or new challenges or to learn new skills (have you ever seen a bird try to learn to water ski?)...Now, there's nothing wrong with seeking out new skills, learning, knowledge, etc, but maybe sometimes I try too hard. Maybe if I just rested in my given talents and beauty, it would be "enough."

Finally, as I was reflecting on the plants and flowers again, I thought about the season -- it's late spring/early summer. For some of the plants, it's the season to flower and bloom. For others, it's a season of tremendous growth, but not for outward blooms. In several months, for most of these plants, it will be a season of outward dormancy, while the roots continue to grow and strengthen under the soil (or rock, in this case). I need to realize that seasons are healthy -- it's not always time to be blooming and "on"...with regularity, I need time for internal growth and nourishment without the pressure of production...

I consistently struggle with allowing myself to have "seasons"...the pressure to produce is strong...but, it's a choice, and I'm going to try to work on choosing to rest, reflect and pursue inward growth more often, knowing that what I "produce" will be healthier and more beautiful for the effort. I'm going to try to be content with my given strengths and talents, appreciate my own beauty, and grow wherever I am planted at the moment...

Things I never do...

2009-04-27T22:17:00.003-04:00

So, I've made it through the week! Nick comes home from Honduras tomorrow, and I've been reflective tonight about all the things the week has entailed. Here are just a few of the things that I almost NEVER do that I've done this week while Nick's been gone...

Killed three wasps in our bathroom (where the heck do those things even come from?)
Took out the trash and the recycling bin
Cleaned the whole house -- Vacuumed and swiffed the floors (Nick's two favorite chores!); and dusted, which neither of us likes to do very often
Cleaned the cat litter pans (actually, I haven't done this yet, but it's on my list to do tomorrow before he gets home)
Packed Dominick's lunch for him everyday -- not because he can't do it himself, but just because...
Planted some flowers in the yard
Swept out the garage
Took the kids to the bus stop
Took Coco for a few walks
Took the kids to get ice cream
Watched TV much less and read/reflected/prayed much more often
Cooked dinner...like 4 times!!!! Seriously, this is big...I made chicken noodle soup one night (NOT from a can!); I fried some chicken tonight (will never do that again...what a mess!); made tuna casserole one night, etc...
Ate more fruits and veggies (weird, huh!?...but, I think I know why, and it's too deep for tonight's blogpost...)
Cried...a lot...not just because I missed him, but because it was probably the most difficult and painful week I've had at Seek in the past two years...again, too much for tonight's post...
Asked for help -- when the garage door got stuck and when I needed to go to the grocery and Anthony was sleepy and cranky
Went into work late and left early, without stressing out about it
Painted my toenails
Went shopping for myself

I also did some not-so-great things...like staying up late into the night working (multiple nights); screaming at the kids (once on the way home from Dominick's soccer game when they just would not stop fighting in the car), and playing around on facebook much more than anyone should ever play around on facebook...

But, here's the really big thing...

I spent all this time this week coming up with things that I could do to show Nick how much I love him.

I spent all this time this week thinking about how much I love him, and need him and want him.

Everyone that asked got an earful about how great he is...and how brave he is to take this trip...and what an example he is for the kids...and what a great leader he is for this family.

And, eating better, painting my toenails, relaxing about work, treating myself a bit, just being "here" with the kids, talking great about him...these are the things that communicate my love.

So, why don't I do them more often? Why don't I sit around dreaming about how to show him my love when he's here?

Wow...God has just rocked my world this week. I'm so blessed and humbled.

So, tomorrow night, I'm going to put on a skirt, and makeup, and maybe even some perfume and take myself and my painted toenails to the airport and pick up my husband...

I hope he recognizes me!

Taking care of "stuff"

2009-04-22T21:39:00.003-04:00

So, Nick left yesterday for Honduras, and I've been on my own with the kids for almost 48 hours now. To most moms, this would not be a big deal, I imagine.

But, as Dominick seems quite fond on reminding me the past two days, I'm not a "normal mom."

I am the one that usually goes on "trips," according to the kids. (This is, in fact, quite true.) So, me being home with them each night, fixing dinner, taking them to practices, getting them ready for school and onto the bus -- it's all stuff I'm not as practiced at as Nick is...

Lanie and Anthony seem quite content with how things have been going these couple of days, but Dominick believes that there is "important stuff" that I'm just not taking care of...hmmm...

Tonight, as I was putting the kids in bed, Lanie and Dominick and I prayed together for Nick. (Anthony was already asleep). Lanie's prayer was so sweet...it went something like this:

"Dear Jesus, please take care of Daddy and help him to remember, that even though we're really far away from him, that we love him and miss him. Please help us to have fun and do okay while he's gone. Please protect him and bring him home safely."

Nice.

Sweet.

No sideways comments about my mothering this week...

Then, it was Dominick's turn...

"Dear God, please help us. We know that Mom is usually the one that goes on trips, and Dad takes care of things for us. Please help us with the hole that we have since Dad isn't here to take care of stuff for us. That's it. Amen."

Um...so, what "stuff" am I not taking care of? I asked him this question, and if he was worried about something not getting taken care of. He seemed worried, but unable to describe the gaping hole in "things that need to be taken care of."

In any case, I am certainly appreciating what it feels like to be a single parent, and know that this experience will help me to appreciate and empathize with Nick when I do have to travel...and hopefully the kids will survive the rest of our week. By the tone of Dominick's blog, it'll be a miracle if we survive. ;-)

Joy and Sadness...

2009-04-20T21:59:00.003-04:00

A few years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night, by a crystal clear voice telling me "You are going to die."

Mind you, there was no-one awake in our house at the time. Nick was sleeping soundly next to me, and the kids were comfy in their beds.

Still, the voice in my head was perfectly clear...and tenacious...

"You are going to die."

I protested, pled, bargained. At some point during this interaction, I realized that the voice was God's, and for awhile (longer than was reasonable, probably), I fought with Him.

Finally, I caved in. "Okay," I rationed, "I'm going to die. When?"

"Someday." The voice answered me.

"Um...could you provide a little more detail please...???"

"No, but do you see that man lying next to you?"

"Yes, of course...he's snoring and taking up more than his half of the bed..."

"Yes...He is the one I made for you.
Are you treating him that way?
You are going to die someday...will he know that you knew that he was the man for you?"

Ouch...

and

Wow...

What an amazing message from God that night.

Honestly, since that night over 6 years ago, that one vision/message has kept me going some days.

Marriage is hard work.

But, today, I'm reaping an amazing reward.

Nick is heading tomorrow on an adventure. To Honduras. On a mission trip. Six years ago, this would not have been something that he would have ever considered.

But, the man he is today is a transformed version of who he was then. I've always been humbled by his honesty and pragmatic approach to life. Such an amazing foil to my incessant strategic "what if" planning mindset...

And, in past year or so, he's pretty much 'lapped me' in the journey of spiritual growth, and this trip represents a key point in his journey with God.

I'm joyful and excited for him...and, almost surprisingly, a bit sad.

I can hardly imagine a whole week without him here. He'll be gone in about 6 hours, and I'm a mess...seriously...crying off and on all day today...trying to be brave and not let on that I'm not sure how to survive without him here...

And, I'm realizing that this trip is just as much about him finding whatever God has for him there, as it is about me more fully understanding the depth of this love that God has given me for him...

So, here's to a week of learning for both of us, from thousands of miles away from each other.

I hope you'll pray for both of us this week...

I have a theory

2009-04-11T14:45:00.003-04:00

I have a theory...maybe I'm not the first person to think of this -- in fact, I'm pretty sure that someone else much smarter and more self-actualized has probably thought a lot more about this than I have, but here's my theory...

My theory is that some of the most potentially powerful people for the kingdom of God are the ones who are currently stuck in the worst situations.

The woman who has been beaten black and blue by a husband who's ravaged with rage deep inside him,

and the husband who is beating her.

The sanitation worker who took the only job he could find so that he could pay the bills, but is eternally unchallenged and bored with his job.

The prisoner who embezzeled thousands of dollars from his company.

The child in Africa, who suffers from malaria, can't seem to get any clean water to drink, and doesn't understand how to process the big dreams that race through her mind.

When I reflect on this theory, I wonder why there is no evil force putting inexplicable effort into keeping me down...or maybe there is, but why am I so fortunate to be able to join God in the work I see him doing? How much more powerful are these folks that I see everyday who aren't as fortunate as I am?

See, if God knows about the power and vision he has for each of his children, I'm quite convinced that satan knows about it, too...and he (satan) pours out a lot of energy to keep these folks from living out what God has designed them to do...doesn't this make sense? Think about the countless "celebrities" who aren't using their fame and fortune for good...and then, think of the ones that are using it for good...God designed us all for kingdom purposes, but even those of us that are trying to pursue it potentially never realize the impact that God wants to make through us.

Can you imagine a world where folks lived out their unique design for good? Here's a woman who really "gets" this...This young woman and her work is an inspiration to me. Even more, though, I'm inspired by the guys that her organization "sets free."

Next time you encounter someone who is beaten down, unable to "make it,", seemingly trapped by addiction or rage or bad decisions, think about it...

What did God really design that person for?

Is it really so hard to believe that it was for a good and noble and really important kingdom purpose?

Kids are amazing

2009-04-02T16:57:00.002-04:00

I've told you about Dominick before...quite an amazing young man.

For a few weeks, Dominick has been asking me if he could start his own blog.

So, last weekend, we started a blog for him. Check it out!

I've always been impressed by Dominick's maturity, intelligence, focus and passion. But, nothing quite compares to reading his authentic, raw thoughts -- the ones that he feels he must share via his blog.

God is so good to Nick and I. So often, we realize the gaps in our parenting. And then, we remember...God is the ultimate parent, and He can close every gap. Thank you, God, for such an awesome kid!

Great Expectations

2009-03-28T15:47:00.006-04:00

This morning I went with my reset group to the prayer experience at Crossroads.

Even before I left this morning, I had been thinking about expectations.

More honestly, I was angry.

I've had a rough week or two. Mostly because I have allowed myself to be driven by, motivated by, and then frustrated by my perception of what other people expect from me.

Now, to be clear, I didn't reach that level of self-awareness about what was going on until wrestling this with God today.

See, I was angry because I just knew that people have unrealistic expectations of me. How dare they expect me to do, or fix, or say, or be whatever they are expecting me to do, fix, say or be? It's just not realistic to be so perfect, prescient, present...to have super powers that allow me to fix every problem immediately -- before it happens, preferably; to be three places at once; to know every detail of every situation going on around me and empathize with everyone's situation -- and find a solution that makes everyone happy.

Clearly, these people have a problem.

I should just tell them how ridiculous they are being. How they should know better. How they should think about all the things going on in my life and be a bit more empathetic and reasonable. How they should recognize and affirm how much I really am doing.

Even as I write this, it all looks so obvious, and yet, it took a while to see the flaw in my own logic and, even more, in my own heart on this topic.

How high are my expectation of others that they should know how I'm feeling without me saying anything about it? Maybe my expectations are the ones that are too high here.

This is all just a big mess. People have expectations of each other...and guess what? We'll never live up to each others expectations...and, more importantly, I realized this morning, I'll never live up to my own expectations of myself (sadly, I have to admit that, if I look at my life, it would tell me that I expect myself to be perfect, omni-present, all-knowing, merciful, yet convicting, etc...ummm, that sounds a bit lofty, don't you think?)

So, if I can't live up to my own expectations, or yours, what am I to do...

Here's what I heard this morning as I was praying...

First, let go of what I think others expect of me. I've made too many assumptions here, and even if they do expect the impossible, it's not my job to please everyone.

Second, recognize that God simply expects me to be me. Not to be Him. That's His job.

Third, maybe this quest for pleasing people by being so perfect is actually part of what makes me seem "intimidating"...

So, I'm going to jump into this messiness of being okay with me, even if I sense that people aren't so happy with me...

I'll let you know how it goes...

A big misunderstanding

2009-03-22T21:49:00.004-04:00

When I was growing up, we observed "lent." As I understood it, I had to "give something up" -- something I really, really liked. Giving this thing up would remind me of the sacrifice Jesus made for me, and when he spent 40 days in the desert praying and fasting and being tempted to walk away from the path his father had sent him on.

Most years, I gave up candy. Someone once told me about a "loophole" to this lenten rule that said that you had to give up your "thing" all week, but on Sunday, you could have the day off (you know, it's the 'sabbath')...

Each year, I could hardly wait til Easter Sunday, when I could finally enjoy the thing I had given up.

In recent years, as I've ventured farther from religious rules and more into a relationship with Jesus, I've purposely avoided the whole topic of lent...it just didn't make sense to me...it felt like a big "group fast" -- and folks seem to be so interested in comparing notes..."what did you give up this year? I gave up chocolate." "I gave up coffee." I gave up cussing."

This year, once again, I've avoided it.

But, oddly, it's been on my heart...and as I've pressed into it, I think I have a new understanding of the whole thing...

In Luke 4, when Jesus goes into the desert for 40 days, he's tempted with all kinds of great stuff -- power, money, fame, safety...and he resists, and he leans on his father to get him through it. At the end of all the temptation, the Bible says that the devil finished his temptation and left Jesus...

This has me thinking...

What if giving up something is not about me remembering what Jesus did for me? What if its really about me letting myself rely on God to resist stuff that I ought to be resisting anyway. And, what if I hear from Him more clearly because I'm relying on him instead of some other thing (habit, food, drink, whatever) that I'm probably way too reliant on? What if it's really about building up my faith and ability to resist evil?

So, I know I've missed half the "season," but I'm gonna give it a whirl and give something up.

I don't need to tell you what it is...that's between me and God...

I believe if I do this with the right intentions in my heart, He'll actually reveal something to me -- so, by giving something up, I'll get something else in return...probably something much more beneficial to my heart.

So, I'm going to lean on Him, and listen for Him and ask Him what He wants to reveal to me while I'm fasting from this "earthly pleasure."

Please don't tell me what you're "giving up" for lent...but I'd love to know what you are GETTING during lent...care to share?

A new excuse

2009-03-16T13:27:00.002-04:00

So, I neglected to get up and work out this morning...

Again...

But, I have a new excuse to add to my list...

Anthony (age 4, almost 5) came downstairs to our room around 2am and asked if he could get into bed with us.

I always thought that having a first floor master bedroom, with the kids' rooms upstairs was a good thing. Most days, I like it. I can get up and get ready for work without disturbing anyone. And, you know, there are other benefits...this is a nice girl's blog, though, so I won't go into those...

Anyway, one of the ways that it's NOT good to have a first floor bedroom is that I'm way too, well, asleep, to get up at 2am and escort Anthony back to bed. Even if I could rouse myself to get up, he's just so darn cute, I'm not sure I would. And, he the youngest, which means he gets extra favor for climbing in bed with us at 2am...

So, when the alarm went off this morning, I had to turn it off quick -- so that he wouldn't wake up...poor little guy. And, I couldn't get up and work out in our room (where the elliptical machine is) because then I'd wake him up.

Darn.

Foiled again.

However, I have to say that I was kinda upset about the whole thing. I really wanted to exercise this morning.

Oh well...

I'll try again tomorrow...

A big anniversary

2009-03-12T22:00:00.007-04:00

It's coming up on 2 years now since I left P&G to join a small, somewhat maverick little company called Seek (http://www.seekresearch.com). After 12 years of comfort, cash and status, I was wrestling with God about whether it was time for me to take a big step of faith and try something new.

A move like this was no small change.

I'd be walking away from years of credibility I had worked hard to build. A large crowd of very diverse friends and inspiring, motivating co-workers -- truly many of the best and brightest people I had ever known or had the honor to work alongside and learn from. A FAT paycheck and very comfortable pile of stock options that would certainly pay for college tuition for the kids, nice vacations and maybe, someday a house a the beach.

But, I felt and heard God calling me out. Asking me to take a risk in His name...

One day, I was driving to work, and praying about whether to accept the job offer I had from Seek, or stay at P&G. I had told the folks at P&G that I was considering leaving, and they were being so amazing and gracious and accommodating. They had asked me to consider "what did I really want" -- and I believe they had every intention of trying to deliver on whatever my answer was. So many amazing mentors and coaches there knew me very well, and wanted the best for me always.

And, on that fateful drive down River Road, God gave me a crystal clear vision that I've not ever really written down. It's about time I did...

Here goes...

A small lamb is standing in a desert. A kind shepherd is standing next to the lamb. The lamb is tentative, looking to the right and to the left -- evidently trying to decide which way to go.

To the right, a beautiful and bountiful "feast" is awaiting the lamb. Fresh fruits, flowers -- all of the lamb's favorites...prepared with utmost care, and clearly highly catered to the lamb. Every piece of the "feast" was healthy and good.

To the left, a gently sloping hill of of sand with those ripples you always see. Beyond the slope is out of view.

The lamb looks up with question's in her eyes to the kind shepherd. (Do you know where this is going yet?)

He gently nudges her to the left.

"Why?" she asks (yes, in my vision, the lamb could talk). "The feast over to the right has been carefully prepared by those who love me so much. It is healthy and bountiful and beautiful."

He again gently nudges her to the left. "Child, you can't see what's over that hill. But, I can. Do you trust me that it's even better?"

I called the folks at Seek that afternoon and said "I'm in!"

Over the past two years, I can tell you that there have been days/weeks where I felt like I was stuck in one of those ripples in the sand...but occasionally, I think I'm seeing a few glimpses of what's beyond that gentle slope. I've never looked back, and I'm amazed how God has been faithful to care and provide for us, how much I've grown, how much deeper my faith has become, and how much sheer joy and fun have come into my life in the past 2 years.

I do feel like He's showing me, step by step, a little more each day about what might be over that hill, and I'm so grateful to be along for the ride!

So, which direction are you heading? Are you taking the safe, easy route, or are you ready to follow Him, even if it means going the opposite way than what looks logical?

Excuses...

2009-03-11T21:46:00.003-04:00

I've been making excuses lately...and I need to stop it. I'm annoying myself.

Every morning, my alarm goes off at 5:30am.

Most mornings, I do actually hear it, but quickly hit the snooze.

Then, I hit the snooze again 10 minutes later when the alarm goes off again.

Then, I hit the snooze again.

And again.

This goes on for quite some time -- most mornings, an hour or more...honestly, there are often 20-30 minute time periods in there that I really think I'm hitting the snooze in my sleep (not sleep walking or talking in my sleep, my habit is sleep-snoozing).

But, most mornings, sometime around 6am, I think I start to actually wake up a little...and I start making excuses for why I'm not getting out of bed to work out...here are a few of my standards...

Nick is sleeping so soundly...if I get up, I'll wake him up. (I like this one, it makes me feel like a caring wife)
I think my blood sugar is a bit too high to work out. (that sounds medically sound, right?)
I think my blood sugar is a bit too low to work out.
I have to be a work early today because I have a lot to do...I don't have time to work out today, but I really wanted to. Darn.
I think I'm getting a headache.
I'm tired.
I'm warm and cozy and it's cold outside the bed.
I deserve some sleep...I had a rough night and didn't fall asleep until very late.
I'll be grumpy and sleepy all day if I get up this early and work out. (this is clearly the lamest and also the biggest lie I tell myself)
I'll just sleep 10 more minutes, and then I'll get up. (this one is a classic...often repeated several times, and then followed by one of the above excuses)

What do they all have in common?

They are all pathetic (except the low blood sugar, but even then, I should at least get up and check it rather than assuming!). They are all convenient. They are all helping me keep this extra 15 lbs that I've been telling myself I'm "actively" trying to lose for the past 2 years...

So there.

I thought if I confessed, it might make me feel a bit more convicted to get my lazy butt out of bed tomorrow and work out...

Oh yeah, and I think I'll move the alarm clock a bit farther away from my bed and see if that helps, too!

Writing a Great Resume

2009-02-22T10:13:00.004-05:00

People ask me fairly often to help them optimize their resumes for them. I've realized over the years that there are some common "tricks" to writing a great resume...

Given the number of people out of work these days, I thought I'd share a few of them with you...I've been a "hiring manager" in various roles for years, so I hope this adds to the credibility of my observations!

1. Use Active Verbs. Tell me what you DID, not what you were responsible for in your past roles. As a hiring manager, I'm MOST interested in the contribution that you made. So, if you were "responsible for answering phones," I'd be more impressed by seeing that you "Created a warm and welcoming environment for a heavy volume of callers, evidenced by frequent unsolicited feedback." Or, if you were "responsible for counting money in a cash drawer at the end of a shift, " I'd be more intrigued to hear that you "Identified multiple inefficiencies in end-of-shift cash drawer reconciliation process, reducing a previous discrepancy average of $450 to less than $10/shift." See the difference? Created. Led. Identified. Envisioned. Ensured. Active verbs.

2. C.A.R. Context, Action, Result. For any item that you include in your resume, provide me with some CONTEXT -- what was the environment or situation you were working in? Then, you must include the ACTION that you took (this is where the active verbs come in); and finally, the RESULT you were able to achieve. In the two previous examples:
Context: heavy volume of callers; big discrepancy in cash drawer reconciliation
Action: Created a welcoming greeting; Identified the problem and found a sustainable fix
Result: Frequent unsolicited feedback; significant reduction in average cash discrepancy
You see that they don't have to be written "in order", but often, when I'm teaching this concept, I ask folks to write them out in order, and then we turn them into a more succinct sentence or phrase.

3. Brag...a little...but be truthful. It's hard for some of us to talk about ourselves. But, if you want someone to hire you, they need to know what you can do for them! Your resume should highlight your unique contributions. It should answer the question: What would NOT have happened at this company/in this department/etc. if I would not have been there? If you were part of a team, you can say that, but cite what YOUR contribution was to the team.

4. Focus. Lately, I see a LOT of people who just want "a job." I get it...Times are hard, and if you're out of work, there is a lot of pressure to just get "something." But, hiring managers don't want generalists...they want to know why you are perfect for their job...they have LOTS of people to choose from right now. So, you may need different versions of your resume that highlight different contributions that are more relevant for the role you are applying for.

5. Details. Check your spelling. Check your grammar. Make sure that the document looks nice (margins line up, don't use 4 different fonts/font sizes, etc). Have a trusted, grammatically correct friend look it over for you! Honestly, if a resume hits my desk and it has typos, grammar errors, someone uses the same word too frequently, or it looks "messy,", I toss it out. Harsh, but true. I don't have to settle for any employee...especially not these days!

There are lots of other tips and tricks, but these 5 will certainly make a noticeable improvement in your resume. If you have other tricks or hints, I'd love to hear them!

Oh, how I'm missed you...

2009-02-16T23:07:00.005-05:00

Sometimes things just get out of control, you know?

I was doing so well there for awhile...

Had (made) some margin in my schedule....

Prioritized spending quite time with God....

Journaled/blogged my thoughts and various things I felt like God was revealing to me...

Then, as I tend to do, I let life take over and take control...

So, I've missed you all...I've been reading your blogs, but haven't done much on mine.

And, I'm not sure I've been giving God enough space to talk as much as I should...as much as He might want to talk to me.

Sometimes when the kids are talking all at once to me, and I just want to share something with them, or hug them, or look at them and they are squirming around and screaming and whining about something...I stop...and wonder...

Is this what God sees when He's trying to talk to me? Trying to hug me? Trying to show me or tell me in some way that He loves me?

Of course, I know the answer to those silly rhetorical questions. And, I realized I'm a whiner sometimes, and a squirm-er most times...

So, I'm trying to slow down and listen...But, I will share this little update...

I read Isaiah 58 a few weeks ago. I read it over and over and over and over again. Found myself getting pumped up, moved, excited, convicted, called. And then, for a few weeks, distracted.

Tim read it this week during his message at VWS....and I saw in my bible how I had underlined the whole darn chapter...

and I realized...

He's trying to say something to me...

and I need to slow down a bit, fix my eyes on Him, and listen for awhile.

So, here's to re-prioritizing...again...and remembering that I have to make an effort to make time to listen...

Overwhelmed

2009-02-05T00:40:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about being overwhelmed. I really over-use the word "overwhelmed." Lately, I've realized that I use it almost equally in two "opposite" directions -- I say I'm "overwhelmed" when I am exceptionally stressed, busy, upset; and, I use it when I'm completely awed by something amazing -- often something that God has orchestrated, created or revealed to me.

I'm going to make a brave resolution...

I'm going to reserve the word "overwhelmed" for those situations when I am truly awed by God's presence in my life -- where I feel submerged, sinking in his grace and presence...

That said, I've been overwhelmed many times in the past few weeks, ever since my SOZO experience, I've been having dreams and visions...almost too many and too much to piece it together enough to blog about, but I will soon...

I'm traveling this week...Cincinnati to Denver on Monday; Denver to San Diego on Wednesday, and home tomorrow by way of a quick layover in Salt Lake City. I've flown over the Rocky Mountains before, but this time, I was really overwhelmed by the beauty, majesty and expanse of the range. The bright sun shone on the peaks and cast shadows -- from the sky it looked at one point like a meringue covered pie, and then at another point, choppy, white peaked waves. As I was staring out the window at this glorious example of God's divine creation, I found myself crying...from the wonder of the beauty of the earth; from the gratitude for what I've been blessed to see; for the "small-ness" of me, and the bigness of God and the reality that I'll never be able to comprehend a love so big as His.

Someday, I hope I'll be able to spend a bit more time exploring the beauty of the Rocky Mountains up close. But, for now, I'm looking forward to the view from my seat at 34,000 feet tomorrow on my way home!

A gift for my year of softening...

2009-01-23T21:44:00.003-05:00

This week I had an amazing experience of God's love for me. At VWS, we have a team of prayer warriors who have been doing a form of emotional healing prayer called SOZO. I went for some healing prayer in a SOZO on Tuesday night...

Wow.

Simply overwhelming.

I couldn't begin to capture in writing all of the things that God spoke to me through this prayer session. But, I wanted to try to write down at least one piece of it, because it was so powerful in its relevance to my 2009 goal of "softening."

Essentially, SOZO aims to set one free from lies that we may have believed for many years about ourselves. When we lay the lie down, denounce it, rebuke it, we ask God to replace it with something.

During my prayer time, I didn't really feel much about being intimidating. I realized there were lies I believed about myself related to fear, doubt, need for human affection, and a few other things. We went through a process of denying each lie that the Holy Spirit showed me I had believed about myself.

And then, we asked God what truth he had for me in exchange for the lies. I'll try to explain the picture He gave me, and little about what He revealed about its meaning...

In a brightly lit white space, Jesus stood with me. He was wearing a white robe with a gold sash. I was standing next to Him, and I realized that I was wearing a white robe, too. This reflects that I am made in His image (the white color represents holiness, right standing, purity).

He took off his gold sash and tied it around my waist, and told me it was my "warrior belt." (Gold represents wealth, kingliness, majesty, etc).

I reached in his pocket and pulled out two gifts...first, a pink heart (think, valentine!). Then, a small white pillow. I asked what the pillow was for -- softness, comfort, rest, slumber, protection for my head from the hard ground -- these were the words I heard.

Immediately, I saw the connection to my year of humility and getting "knocked off my horse" last year and my desire to be softer this year...and He was reassuring me that, all along, I've been a soft-hearted, loving person; and that He's always been there to keep me from hitting the hard ground when I'm humbled.

But, up til this week, I had chosen to believe a lie -- that I was an intimidating person; a mean person in some way.

To be clear, there have been times when my behavior has been intimidating or mean or overpowering...but I am not a mean, overpowering, intimidating person...there is a HUGE difference!

So, whatever I do that is not glorifying to God -- it's the ACTION or the BEHAVIOR, it's not ME and those actions/behaviors don't have to define me! I need to confess them, work on them, forgive myself for them, but I don't have to believe the lie that they define me.

What defines me is that I am made in His image...and that truth is quite a gift!

What's in a name?

2009-01-16T22:35:00.003-05:00

There has been a lot in popular "maverick" leadership press over the past few years about titles. All over, "hip" companies are letting folks create their own titles, or giving people very descriptive titles ("Change Agent" or "Optimizer" or "Detail Driver") while moving away from "traditional" titles like Vice President or Director. Tradition is bad! Change is good! Freedom from the chains of stuffy old definitions that put people and their contributions into a pre-determined box! Let people create a title that communicates what they uniquely bring and who they uniquely are...

I have been a big supporter of this movement for quite some time...

However...I've been thinking about it a LOT lately, and I might be changing my mind a bit...

I was reflecting on big moments in my own personal growth, both in my career and in life in general. I realized that almost every time I've made a significant leap in my growth, it's been PREceded by some "title" that was given to me. Usually, I had some understanding of what the "title" meant or the mantle it carried, but never did I feel worthy of it or ready for it. In contrast, times when I've given myself a title, it's reflective what I thought I was contributing or reasonably capable of contributing at the time, but rarely something way beyond me that I could grow into.

A few examples...

"mom" -- I was given the title "mom" when I first became pregnant with my first child. Arguably, at that point, I was not doing any of the things I thought "moms" do...I was still taking care of myself, would vomit at the sight or smell of someone else's vomit, needed a good 8 hours of sleep, and thought my life was "busy." Ha! But, something about being called "mom" inspired me to begin to live up to the title.

"mentor" -- this was a big one for me...a young manager at P&G asked me to be her "mentor" several years ago. I had a pretty good idea of what a mentor was, and I certainly didn't think I was capable of being one to someone else...I was, at that point, mostly a mentee -- seeking guidance from my own set of mentors (wise people with lots of career and life experience). But, again, somehow, being called a mentor inspired me to begin to live up to the title.

"coach" -- again...same story for me. Several others: "Manager" "Associate Director" "General Manager" "Executive Director"...each time, I've not felt ready or worthy, but I had a pretty good working "definition" of what the title meant, and each time, growth came because I strove to live up to the title.

Jesus did the same thing...he gathered a bunch of wayward teenagers with grim prospects for their futures and he called them priest, disciple, healer, fisher of men...all titles that had meaning and definition and that were not at all reflective of what these guys were doing at the time, but rather what Jesus knew they could do if they were inspired and motivated.

Anyway, a bit of rambling tonight...but food for thought...and a few questions to ask myself (maybe that you need to ask yourself, too!):

Who in my care do I need to bestow a big title on?
Where do I need to embrace the "traditional" titles because they will inspire growth for me or for someone I'm coaching or mentoring?
Where might a title be holding someone back from what they could be?
Are any of my own titles holding me back? If so, even if no-one else changes them, how might my own perspective or behavior shift if I strove to be worthy of a different "title?"

Waiting for purpose...

2009-01-12T22:16:00.003-05:00

This is Dominick. He just turned 10 in December. My first born son, Dominick is a more intense male version of yours truly. Almost everything about him is just like his mom, but amped up a bit. He's smart -- much smarter than me...intensely competitive, full of passion, responsibility, an exceptionally strong will, and often victim to his incessant stream of strategic, logical thoughts and ideas.

And there is a serious battle going on for this guy. He's going to win...God is going to win, and I can't wait to see the victory.

At VWS this past Sunday, pastor Jim taught the kids about "purpose." Last night, while I was tucking Dominick into bed after another battle of wills (we have those often in our house), he asked me if I knew what his purpose was in life. He was feeling pretty bad after losing some privileges for some bad choices earlier in the evening, and he wondered, was his purpose ultimately to die? Was it to argue with his parents? Was it to make bad choices and always feel like he's fighting against the world?

As we often do, Dominick and I talked about his gift of "passion." Passion is one of those "gifts" that, when not exercised for good, can land folks in jail, chase away would-be friends, and leave one feeling intensely disappointed in oneself. When it's used for good, the results can be exponential and more far-reaching than one might have been able to imagine.

I'm convinced that Dominick's mix of gifts and talents and passion have been placed in him for a purpose. As we talked and prayed last night, I asked God to reveal his purpose to Dominick. In my heart, though, I felt like it would come in time, when he's closer to being a "grown up" when people come to know their purpose...when you're a kid, it's just about being a kid, right?

Wrong.

All morning, Dominick was on my mind...why should he, can he not have purpose NOW? And, how empowering and scary to the bad guy trying to mess with Dominick's head would it be for Dominick to live out today's purpose instead of believing the lies that he's not worth much and is just meant to die or make bad choices or be a disappointment. He's not hearing those lies from his parents...they are coming from an enemy that is trying to lie to him and wear him down...why? Because this kid is going to be DANGEROUS for God!

And, I don't have to wait to see it...I can encourage and call out purpose in my 10 year old right now, today...

I'd love it if you'd please keep Dominick in your prayers, friends. And, share your ideas about how to help kids see purpose in their lives...

People, not projects

2009-01-09T21:34:00.003-05:00

This week, I've been talking to various friends about what makes people intimidating. I've learned some really insightful things. After talking with one friend today, I was able to start articulating a few of them more clearly for myself. I'm starting to get a good idea of the things I need to work on...

Here are the newest insights...

It's intimidating when someone turns every comment or occasion for small talk into a lengthy debate or discussion. Small talk is meant to be small, quick. I need to remember that I don't have to engage on every little topic. And, when I do, it makes me look like a know-it-all, which is intimidating...and annoying.
Showing people that I fully expect and desire to learn something from them breaks down negative assumptions. This requires some balance -- i.e. if I want to be able to serve others, and not be intimidating in the process, I need to make sure that I'm open to being served -- to learning from them. People that I encounter are not projects...they're people.

Many of the folks that I've been intimidated by in the past have been people that I've looked up to...people who seemingly had achieved some success that felt attractive to me. What I've realized is that I'm not at all likely to "make the first move" and strike up a conversation with those folks (the whole "I'm not worthy" thing). So, if some folks feel that way about me, whether or not I think it's justified, I can break down the assumptions by reaching out first and "making the first move" to talk to someone, ask for their help or advice, or affirm them in some way.

So, more work to do...

What am I missing about what makes people intimidating or what makes someone approachable?

What makes a person intimidating?

2009-01-06T21:54:00.003-05:00

So, I started doing some digging into what makes people intimidating. The web is an amazing resource...you can actually learn HOW to be intimidating -- in fact, there is a lot more out there about how to intimidate people than there is about how to NOT be intimidating. Some of it is pretty scary actually. But in an effort to learn, I thought I'd explore how one might become intimidating -- maybe it will help me realize what I'm doing that makes people feel intimidated...

Here's what I learned...

First of all, to be intimidating, you must
1. Focus on yourself.
2. Have un-shakeable confidence, or "fake it."
3. Intentionally make the other person feel inferior.
4. Insult the other person -- directly or subtly.

It stands to reason, then, that to be "softer," maybe I should focus on the opposite of these things...
1. Focus on the other person.
2. Admit my own vulnerabilities.
3. Intentionally position myself to serve rather than be served.
4. Affirm and build others up.

Oddly, I think of myself as being somewhat self-aware...but as I examine these opposites and think about how I interact with others, I've got a lot of work to do!

I really do focus too much on myself;

I'm still learning about how to admit and share my vulnerabilities and fears;

I'm not sure that I consistently position myself to serve (nor that when I do, my motives are always pure);

and I'm don't always remember the importance of affirming others...

I'm on a quest to really examine this definition of intimidation, get some feedback from people I trust, and who I know will be honest with me and look hard in the mirror.

Thankfully, God loves me just the way I am and I know He'll help me take one step at a time to grow into a softer, more approachable person...

Name Your Year

2009-01-02T13:09:00.004-05:00

We had some friends over last night and had such a wonderful time. It's an amazing treasure to have friends that you can completely be yourself with...

Each of us took turns giving a "name" for 2008 and pre-titling 2009 as well. It was such a revealing and reflective exercise.

2008 for me would be titled "Humility." If you've been reading this blog, this won't be a surprise to you. So many times this year, I feel like I've been "knocked off my horse." Professionally, personally, spiritually, physically...in just about every area of my life. So many mistakes -- I'm not even sure that I made more mistakes this year than in the past, but I was so much more acutely aware of my own imperfection and my innate need for other people and for grace and forgiveness (from others, from God, from myself). Now, to be clear, I'm FAR from a humble person, but I'm working on learning humility everyday and realizing that being humble can make me a much better leader, wife, mother, friend, coach, employee...overall, a much better person.

I want 2009 to be a year of "softening." I recently reconnected with a friend from high school. He said in HS he was "intimidated" by me. He's not the first person to tell me this. Many, many people have told me this, more in the past few years -- it's often after I've seemingly broken through and actually started getting into a somewhat intimate friendship with someone that they "admit" it to me. But, I've realized that, like it or not, there is a perception that I'm kinda scary to some people.

I know (through all these lessons in humility) that this keeps me from depth in relationships. Maybe in the past, I subconsciously used this to protect me from having to be completely honest about my inadequacies (gotta let go of that in REAL relationships, right?). Looking back at some goals I set last year, I said I wanted to develop deep, intimate friendships with 2-3 women...I've started that, but I realize that part of why it takes so long is because I give off this perception...So, in 2009, I want to figure out what I'm doing, saying, etc. that is leading to this perception and "soften" up a bit...

So, Name YOUR Year...Talking through it and sharing it is such a gift...

Just 2 resolutions this year...

2008-12-31T14:42:00.004-05:00

I'm just making two resolutions this year...but, they are big ones, and they cover a lot. Ironically, I probably have NO chance of actually fulfilling them, but I'm hoping that, by "striving" for these two things, I'll live more of this year in "thrive" mode versus "survive" mode.

Here they are:

1. (Strive to) Honor God in everything I do, say and think.
2. (Strive to) See myself and others as glorious -- made in the image of God.

I've been reading Isaiah and a general theme is the righteousness of God and how He/Love is the ultimate winner -- all the time. Submitting to that feels a whole lot easier than beating myself up over mistakes and shortcomings.

I'm going to meditate on the promise in Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock eternal."

And, pray Isaiah 26 8-9 "Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, I wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of my heart. My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you."

And, finally, I'm going to celebrate Isaiah 26: 19 "But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Your dew is like the dew of morning; the earth will give birth to her dead."

The celebration starts tonight...at VWS...when a whole bunch of people declare that they are following Jesus at our New Year's Rockin' Eve Worship and Baptism celebration! I can't wait to start 2009! Happy New Year!

SQUISH....

2008-12-30T20:47:00.005-05:00

I'm feeling a bit like an ant today...

Let me explain...

I'm feeling small, insignificant and not very unique. I feel like there is a big, giant foot hovering above me, about to squish me.

Big foot probably won't feel a twinge of guilt, because I'm probably not contributing anything worthwhile anyway.

Forgive me while I ramble a bit here...I've had a difficult day, in many ways...

See, I've been here before. Trying to catalyze change and not making myself very popular in the process. Every other time, I've hit this point. Where my confidence wanes in the face of criticism and doubt and skepticism. But, I think what's getting to me more this time than in the past is the sense that people around me -- people I deeply respect, don't see me and my heart...they see process and strategy and self-reliance and force fitting of an approach that must feel like it's come from a cookie cutter or business book.

I need to work on communicating less with my mouth and more with my actions. I need to focus everyday on whether my heart is right with God. If it is, then I need to not be dissuaded...right? Why is this such a struggle for me?

God, convict me when and where I need to be convicted, and affirm me when I'm doing the work you've asked me to help with. Keep my eyes fixed on you. If I'm to "throw in the towel" on this one, will me to do so...if not, strengthen me to persevere.

Oh Christmas Tree(s)

2008-12-23T19:19:00.008-05:00

I LOVE Christmas Trees. I think some people think I'm certifiably crazy, but I just love the cozy feeling you get when a room is lit with twinkle lights on a tree. Over the years, I've added trees...this year we have 10 in our home...I'll share some of them with you...

This one is in the kitchen. It is decorated with cookie cutters, candy apple, gingerbread and candy ornaments. It is a 6 foot tree, and has orange and white lights.

These two are on a plant shelf in the family room. Our trusty knight is keeping watch over them. These are the two new trees for 2008. They are 5.5 feet trees with white lights.

This is our "main" tree -- the one that the whole family decorates together in the family room. Lots of handmade and personalized ornaments on this one. This one is 10 feet tall and has multi-colored lights, which we add to with some fun bubble lights and other crystal lights.

This lovely red and gold tree graces our dining room. I love the topper on this one...it's blown glass. This is a 7.5 foot tree with red and white lights.

This may be my favorite tree. It's in our entry and I really enjoy decorating this one with deep jewel tones. This is a narrow 10 foot tall tree with white lights.

And, finally, the one that people really think is crazy...we have a small 4.5 foot tree in the powder room. I don't really care if you think I'm insane...it looks nice and ensures that no matter where you go on the main level of our house, you'll see a Christmas tree!

The kids each have trees in their rooms...Next year, I hope to add a tree in the basement, which will be completely finished by then.

So, there you have it. Enjoy...and Merry Christmas!

Here I am...

2008-12-22T20:42:00.003-05:00

When I was a kid, we used to sing a particular hymn at my church...you may have heard it if you come from a fairly traditional background. The chorus went something like...

"Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go, Lord,
if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart."

Every time we sang that song, I'd start shaking and crying -- much against my will. I can remember it, vividly...from probably about age 9 or 10.

At the time, I remember feeling a strange mix of embarrassment and excitement, but over time, I began to "train myself" to NOT sing during that hymn...to focus on something, ANYthing else so that I wouldn't start crying and look like a dork in front of the other kids, who didn't seem to be at all influenced by the music, and were obviously MUCH cooler than I was.

Many years later, I realized with awe that God had been moving in my life, even at such a young age...calling me out to follow and to lead. To not follow the crowd and do what the cool kids were doing...somehow trying to convince my stubborn heart that the life I saw others living was not nearly as amazing as the life He had in mind for me...

I re-read the passage in Isaiah 6:8 tonight and am hearing Him again...calling me out to live an extraordinary life...as long as I don't allow myself to focus on anything other than what He has for me...

"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying -- "Whom shall I send?" And who will go for us? And I said, "Here am I. Send me."

Humbled again...

2008-12-17T23:24:00.002-05:00

So, last week I did something really stupid. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice it to say that it was dumb, and I knew it was, and I did it anyway. And, almost instantly I regretted it. It was not glorifying to God, or to my family or to my co-workers...just overall reproachful! Anyway, as I was beating myself up over it this weekend, realizing that I needed to confess to a few folks that witnessed my behavior, I was feeling pretty crappy about myself...and in the midst of all that, I had the most amazing dream Saturday night...

In my dream, I was pregnant...a little hand and foot were pressing against the skin of my belly -- like the baby was full term and ready to be born and trying to push his way out. It was so real...I could almost feel the pressure from those little limbs. I woke up wondering what it meant, and headed to church...

Tim gave a message on how God wants to use us to bring life to the world. He talked about how we're all "impregnated" by God -- not to be weird or gross, but really that he's placed life in us and wants us to birth it and nurture it in the world. (Pretty good message...check out VWS and download the podcast if you'd like).

I realized that, even through my crap and stupidity, God still wants to use me. He forgives me before I forgive myself. He was trying to tell me through my dream and then through that message on Sunday morning that He's given me a life and purpose to bring into the world!

I was reflecting this week on Romans 7 -- probably trying to punish myself a bit more...in vs. 15-24, Paul talks about the craziness of humanity where we find ourselves doing stupid things that we know are wrong, that we don't want to do, but we do them anyway. And, avoiding things we should be doing that are good...and how wretched we are. Interestingly, I remembered much of the language of this passage, but I didn't realize the ending...and the beginning of Chapter 8..."Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!...Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

So, I'm working on forgiving myself by trying to birth and nurture life, and live out the purposes He's called me to for the moment...and realizing that I can learn through my mistakes and imperfections and hopefully leverage them to make me a better, more humble leader and follower...

Working mom...

2008-12-08T23:02:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to register a thought that sometimes its REALLY hard to be a working mom. I'm in New York City this week. I left home on Sunday night to head up here for some work -- and I won't be back home until very late Friday night. This is extra stinky since I was in Chicago last week Thursday-Saturday and had less than 24 hours at home before leaving on this NYC trip.

I miss Nick and the kids so much. Someone asked me today if it's worth it -- me being here, on this trip and the business we can build here, in exchange for the time away from my family. Absolutely not, I said.

Here's the thing...I wear a lot of hats: servant to Jesus, wife to Nick, mother to Dominick, Lanie & Anthony, coach, employee, sister, daughter, member, friend, confidante, counselor, etc. There are only three hats, though, that ONLY I can wear...the one that is fulfilling the calling God has placed on my life; being a wife to my husband and being a mother to my kids.

Its not that I can't be a wife and mom while working...it's more that I need to keep in balance how much of my energy and "best effort" is going into each role. Sometimes I get it out of whack. Sometimes it's in balance, but not everyone is happy with my choices. And, quite often, I'm stuck in the middle.

So, this week, I'm praying that God helps me to be a good wife and mother, even from far away; that when I get home, He helps me make good decisions about how to spend my time and my energy; and to forgive myself for not doing it right all the time...

From bones to an army...

2008-12-01T21:33:00.007-05:00

So, Thanksgiving is over...it always goes so quick. I spend all day cooking and in less than 45 minutes, my 24lb turkey is nothing but a carcass. We pulled the wishbone off and set it out to dry for the kids. Now, you're wondering, what does this have to do with ANYthing? Well...I happen to be finished with Ezekeil (finally!) and I've been wanting to capture some thoughts about dry bones (hahahaha)...Chapter 37.

Honestly, I've heard this story so many times, but as always, when I read it this time around, I saw and heard something completely new...and so relevant to right now, and so amazing that I've been trying to unpack it ever since.

First, go read chapter 37: 1-14. Okay...now...

Here's the clif notes version for those of you that cheated and didn't follow the link to reach it...God leads Zeke to this valley full of dry bones (yuck!). It stunk and was really depressing to look at. But, God said -- dude, it's not what you think! They're not dead! I'll bring them back to life, and put my spirit in them, and settle them in this land.

Wow...there is SO much going on here...Just when they were completely dried out and dead, God brings them back to life...

...Just when I think I've got nothing left to give, he breathes life back into me.
...Just when we think those around us are void of passion or emotion or energy, God can AND WANTS TO bring them back to life.

I love this part (vs 9-10): "...Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’ So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army."

How cool is that? An ARMY...up out of a bunch of dried up bones.

I want to be in THAT army! Raised from uselessness and into life!

So, that's my prayer this week..."come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into me so that I may live and be part of your army!"

I dare you to pray it with me...are you in?

He won't relent...

2008-11-23T15:57:00.005-05:00

I was on the west coast this week on a business trip. Since our flight didn't leave til late, Lane and I headed to the beach in San Diego to look around. As I walked along the coast, the waves lapped up on my toes and I did what you always see people do -- I ran to escape the cold water. At some point, I got used to the temperature, and started to welcome the feel of the waves on my feet.

I'm always struck by the breadth and persistence of the sea. It reminds me of how big the earth really is; and how mighty and powerful our God, who created it all, really is.

At VWS this weekend, we sang a song during worship with lyrics that remind us that God won't relent until he has all of us...and, as I was singing with my eyes closed, connecting to God and his spirit, I was back on the beach again....

The waves, I realized, are like him reaching for us...sometimes hard and fast and overpowering; sometimes gentle and easy. But never, ever relenting. Even when he has "some" of me, he still keeps reaching for me, washing over me, asking for me, refreshing me.

And, I realized just how much of my life I haven't yet turned over to him. And yet, even through all that stubbornness and imperfection, the waves never stop reaching for me...I need to not run away, let them wash over me.

Thanks, God, for such a humbling and awesome reminder of how persistent your love is...

20-some years ago...

2008-11-17T22:23:00.000-05:00

Okay...so, at the risk of totally dating myself, I have been thinking quite a bit lately about something that happened to me in my Junior year of high school...20-some years ago...

I went to Milford High School (proud member of the class of '89 -- Go Eagles!).

Now, it's important to understand that, as a teenager, I was bit of a nerd -- somewhat intelligent, but under-confident, and not at all sure where I really "fit".

One day, in my Junior year, I walked through the door into an English class with Mr. Roy Ferguson. Mr. Ferguson was a wonderful, older teacher from the northeast who loved Ernest Hemingway and Herman Melville. He was confined to a wheelchair by MS, and he had a passion for teaching and counseling students that was inspiring. I enjoyed Mr. Ferguson's class, and did fairly well, but didn't think there was anything remarkable about that...nothing remarkable about my writing or my participation in the class discussions or my answers to Mr. Ferguson's questions...

But, Mr. Ferguson did notice something "remarkable" about me. One day after class, he asked me to stay behind.

"Ann," he said, "you are a leader. Do you have any experience with the school newspaper or yearbook?"

(He knew I didn't, since he was the advisor for both groups).

I shyly said "No. But, I think I might be interested in writing."

Mr. Ferguson smiled and said: "Actually, I would like you to be the Editor-in-Chief of the yearbook for your Senior year. You'll need to pull a team together and lead all of the design and production of the book. I know you can do it. I know you'll be great. You ARE a leader, Ann."

I was stunned. Affirmed. Excited. Scared. Nervous. No-one had EVER called me a leader. No-one had EVER asked me to do something so important. No-one had EVER trusted me to create a team, set a vision, complete something so big. It was a key moment in my development and understanding of how I'm wired. Throughout the next year, he gently encouraged, empowered and enabled me to lead my team and produce the yearbook. It was a tremendous amount of work, I made a LOT of mistakes and I learned several lessons on leadership that I still carry with me today.

Many years later, I wrote Mr. Ferguson a letter thanking him for calling out something in me that I didn't see. Something that sparked development and self-awareness in me. Something that has impacted my life immeasurably. A year later, Mr. Ferguson died. But, his impact remains through me and so many countless other students he developed.

Who was it for you? Take a minute and thank someone that has spoken truth into your life about the amazing way you are wired and gifted. Then, pay it forward and call something out that you see in someone else...you never know what kind of impact you could have!

Some more about the flocks...

2008-11-11T22:22:00.000-05:00

Still making my way through Ezekiel. (as a side note, my thirst for scripture is crazy insatiable...this is new for me...and pretty darn awesome).

Anyway...last post I shared this conviction about leading the flocks well...In Chapter 36, God reminds Israel of her reward and his promise to her (and things start to get a little "nicer" relative to all the warnings!). There a LOT in there, but I'll pull out one of the two specific sections that really spoke to me...starts in v 25.

"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit in you (note -- I LOVE that part!) and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." He goes on to talk about how she will be fruitful and how he'll provide for her...he talks about resettling the towns and rebuilding ruins; cultivating what was dead and barren...and he closes with this "...So will the ruined cities be filled with flocks of people. Then they will know that I am the Lord."

We are in the middle of this kind of awakening/re-birth here on the Westside of Cincinnati.

So, God, if you've really designed me to be a leader, and there's a flock to lead and this fruitful, feeling, re-built place is where we're heading...Count Me In! I'm all yours...

Shepherds and sheep

2008-11-10T08:30:00.000-05:00

Zeke is still kicking my butt...chapter 34 got me this morning.

Here's a snippet of Chapter 34: "Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? ...You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. ...So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals."

I was driving to my favorite "hiding place" where I sometimes go to get work done on mornings when I don't have too many meetings, and this small (sometimes annoyingly persistent) voice kept saying "Africa". It's been whispering the name of that distant continent for a few years now. It also consistently whispers "Price Hill"... And, it consistently whispers "religion". Why these three? One is a distant continent, one is a close, but unfamiliar neighborhood, and one is an all-too familiar place I "lived" for many years. Pathetically, I keep (mostly) ignoring these specific words from the "voice"...mostly out of a long list of fears that I won't get into today, and, perhaps a busy-ness of tending to other whispers from that same voice (or maybe I'm a little clinically insane) that seem to be giving me other really important things to do.

However, a few of those fears are starting to evaporate...quickly...then, Zeke comes along and convicts me again, just as it has been since I started reading a week or two ago.

So anyway...I'm a pretty logical gal...If I am called to be a shepherd (isn't that just another word for leader?); and God is whispering to me about a field of sheep; then...(yes, I know the answer, friends...) And, the promise later in the book seems to provide some insight into the bigger picture...God appoints David to replace the lazy shepherds so that "(the people) will know that I am the Lord, when I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands of those that enslave them." That sounds like some pretty awesome freedom to me! ;-)

Once again...CRAP! God, tell me which flock to go tend and when...isn't the flock I'm trying to shepherd here and now important...I'm sure there's a connection here...order my steps...here I am...send me...

What is God whispering to you? Is there a flock of sheep somewhere that you are supposed to shepherd? Let's pray for each other!

Be careful what you pray for...

2008-11-07T22:14:00.000-05:00

A few years ago, I began praying a pretty dangerous prayer. I knew it was dangerous, but I had finally reached a point, spurred on by my life group, where I knew I needed to pray it. The prayer went something like this... "God, break me of my pride. Knock me off my high horse and put me in my place. Don't let me ever think that I am responsible for anything that YOU accomplish through me. Humble me."

Have you ever prayed that one? Just a little hint, that's the kind of prayer He really likes to answer!

So, I'm still digging through Ezekiel. And I've realized something...much of what Ezekiel is sent to tell Israel is that they are too dang prideful. He's giving them all sorts of warnings and prophecies about the dangers of their self-righteousness and pride. He pretty much says He's going to destroy them if they don't knock it off and give credit where credit is due.

And, I'm realizing how very "knocked off my high horse" I really am these days. Thanks for answering that prayer, Dad.

It feels a little rotten, but in some ways, it feels so good. I think there's a balance I need to get to, though...I've almost let the pendulum swing too far.

Accepting thanks, praise, affirming words is difficult for me for some reason, even though it's totally my #1 love language! I feel a little self-centered to need that kind of affirmation...maybe I'm worried that if I accept it, it will quickly lead to pride once again.

I think, though, that God would be glorified if I was confident in my gifts and calling (subtly different than pride, certainly), in gratitude for the giver of all good gifts...so, I'll take these messages from Zeke and this weird "am I a leader" questioning and count them as gifts on my journey to becoming the leader that He's really calling me to be...

Really a leader?

2008-11-04T23:24:00.000-05:00

My latest crisis of conscious is around whether I'm really a leader?

It's been crystal clear to me over the past week or so, that most of what I do is not "center-stage" leadership...I tend to do my best work in service of another leader...someone who has great vision, but needs help making it happen. Someone who can point to where the ship should go, but needs someone to actually steer it.

Or, maybe those are just the opportunities that have been placed before me, and God is training me up to be some other kind of leader...sometimes I feel like I have vision. When I do, it's pretty audacious stuff...why is it that the visions I get are never the ones I put strategy behind? Is it because I'm better suited, talented, gifted to support, or am I afraid?

Crap. This has kept me from good sleep for 3 nights straight now...

If someone else brought these thoughts to me, I'd tell them to get over themselves, eat a piece of humble pie, and do the work God is putting in front of them. Who cares what it's called or what credit you get or whether ANYONE other than you knows what you're doing -- God knows at the end of any given day whether I've glorified Him, right? If I'm being a servant leader, and equipping those around me (the leaders I serve under as well as folks that look "up" to me for guidance), then I'm doing what I'm called to do, and that IS leadership, right?

My brain is on overload tonight. God, give me wisdom and discernment to tell which of these messages in my head are from you and which are NOT from you, but rather messages that are trying to knock me off track. Is this You, sending me a message on humility, or is this the enemy sending me a message about a lack of value or need for power/authority? Maybe both are going on at the same time...the tension is thick and the balance is hard to find.

Servant Leadership?

2008-10-29T22:03:00.000-04:00

I've long been a fan of the term "servant leadership" and I think I defined it in my head as rolling my sleeves up and working alongside those I lead; never asking them to do anything that I wouldn't be willing to work on with them; always putting their needs ahead of mine and making time to encourage or train or affirm or coach.

I recently read an article that I thought did a much better job of defining servant leadership, and really articulated so well the one of the keys to effective leadership. The article explained the hallmark of servant leadership as really being about equipping and enabling people. Its so simple -- as most really good definitions are! If I want to be a good leader, I can't stop at setting a vision and getting people excited about it, I have to really make sure that they are set up for success. Teaching, coaching, training -- all key elements. Equipping means that I provide the tools and resources needed -- either I provide training or support myself, or I make sure to get the right support lined up; Enabling is really about making sure that people know what they need to know to deliver on a task...very different from doing it "for them" (enabling can have a very negative connotation in some applications)...it's really about filling in gaps (there's that darn gap thing again) so that people see the big picture and how their work fits in; showing them examples to help get them started and providing practical guidance on how to move forward.

I know lots of leaders that are really good at casting vision and getting people excited, but a good portion of them fall short on enabling and equipping. I probably tend to err on the side of enabling and equipping without paying enough attention to the vision casting piece...

Now, I can choose to work on the areas I'm weak in, or partner up with leaders who need me as much as I need them...I tend to prefer the latter approach. Seems more efficient, and I just can't resist filling in the gap between a great vision and implementation! ;-)

Anyway, there's a new definition of servant leadership to chew on...let me know what you think!?

Am I a leader worth following?

2008-10-28T22:22:00.000-04:00

So, this week at VWS, Tim taught on the characteristics of good leaders. Not the skill sets of leaders or the competencies of leaders or the strength or talent of leaders, but the integrity and character of leaders. Tough stuff. Very convicting.

I'd like to pick apart each of the 14 characteristics and explore where I am with each of them over the next few weeks. I think it will be challenging and scary, but a great pathway for growth and self-awareness.

The first one (from 1 Timothy 3) is that a leader is above reproach. The message version says "well thought of"...the amplified version says "must give no grounds for accusation"...KJV says "blameless". It's easy to gloss over that, but it's a high standard, isn't it? That means that leaders don't do things like gossip, drink too much, laugh at or tell a dirty joke, talk badly about someone behind their backs, hold prejudices, the list goes on. All very human things that I do from time to time -- probably more often than I even realize because so many of those things are almost expected and certainly very accepted. But, a leader is called to rise above all that -- because all of those things are reproachable! When someone does them, we think less of that person as a leader, don't we?

My vulnerability here is so clear. I'm weak and sometimes I just want to join in and feel like I'm part of the "crowd" or the cool people having all the "fun". For the next few days, I'm going to meditate on this idea of being blameless, above reproach, well-thought-of. I'm going to think about the leaders that I've followed and those that I've deliberately not followed -- I can already think of examples of where leaders did things that may have seemed small or insignificant to them at the time, but scarred their credibility in my eyes -- an unjust reaction to a co-worker, a dis-tasteful joke, an assumption based on a stereotype (isn't that pretty close to a prejudice?), etc. How many times today did I violate this character trait around those I lead, around those I lead with, or even in my own thoughts?

Here's my thinking on this...(I know, desperately logical and a bit predictable...but, that's me!):
1. Become more aware of what I'm doing that is reproachable.
2. Deliberately work on some new patterns and behaviors to replace old ones.
3. Confess to someone and ask them to hold me accountable.
4. Allow new habits and behaviors and God's grace grow me as a leader in these areas...

Want to try these steps with me? Let me know how you do...I'll check back soon!

Standing in the gap...

2008-10-27T22:20:00.000-04:00

For the past few weeks, I've been so fired up, and convicted and messed up and excited because I sense that God is really trying to lead me somewhere, tell me something or show me something. The Catalyst Conference in Atlanta was amazing and powerful, and since I've been back, I have felt like I'm in training for some big "thing"...although I'm still not at all sure what it is...

Anyway, a few days ago, I felt called to read Ezekiel. Honestly, I've never really read Ezekiel. But, that night, I started...it worked out well, since I had taken inventory of my "busy times" and decided that time spent watching TV was better spent with God, so I jumped right into Ezekiel, thinking God would reveal something amazing and inspiring from this prophet of old...

Have you ever read Ezekiel? It's scary and dark and complex and haunting! It's basically a warning about how disappointed and angry God is with His people, Israel, who have gone off and started worshiping idols and living lives are self-consumed and deviant. He calls Zeke to warn the people that God plans to destroy them if they don't get their act together. He tells Zeke to say it loud and proud, even though the people won't listen.

Several things hit me pretty hard throughout the first half of the book...primarily around a spirit of religion that I feel all around me in my community -- that keeps people from knowing real relationship, real community and real acceptance and keeps people living apart from God, even though they think they are living the "right way" because they follow the rules. I thought a lot about taking risks for God to speak loudly, persistently, boldly, even if people aren't listening...

But here's what really got me...Zeke 22:30: I looked for someone to stand up for me against all this, to repair the defenses of the city, to take a stand for me and stand in the gap to protect this land so I wouldn’t have to destroy it. I couldn’t find anyone. Not one.

Wow...ouch...is that me? Are you asking me to stand in a gap?

Yes, He said...Stand in the gap...

So, here are two of the gaps I think He's calling me to stand in...

Between real and false community...getting beyond surface level community.
Between vision and implementation -- this is my gift, I think...strategy...there are places I need to be using this gift and closing the gap that keeps His work from getting done

I think there are some others...but I'm not sure how to articulate them yet...something about the gap between how certain people in my life see themselves and how God sees them; something about the gap between who I am and who I'm meant to be...I'm still searching for some answers...

How about you? Are you supposed to be standing in a gap? Which gap? What's keeping you from standing in it? Maybe giving it voice is the first step to standing...